ANTM: Miz Shoes Reviews

Well, it was Wednesday night, so it was fuzzy bathrobe and bunny slippers night at the Casita des Zapatos. Bravo is torturing the Project Runway fans with a week of repeats, so the new CW (what ever that stands for, but I don't think it's Country/Western) came to the rescue with the two-hour premier of season 7 of America's Next Top Model. Sigh. Pour the cosmos, bitches.

I'm not going to dis the show and say that it's gotten formulaic, or anything (much) but last night we found out that there were more girls with sorrowful backstories than not. There's the girl who was in a plane crash when she was nine, and her mother's dead body kept her warm enough to survive. WHOA, doggies. Issues? A couple? You think, maybe?

There's the girl who is darker skinned than all of her other family members, and so she's the outcast for being the most colored person of color. Miss Jay, Tyra and Nigel all got jiggy wit dat. Ohhhh, I'm sorry. Slap me now. But they did. The only person on the panel who looked as puzzled as I felt was Twiggy.

There's another girl who is a cervical cancer survivor, and another one whose momma dropped her off at Child Protective Services (after they left the homeless shelter) and never came back for her. She, in her own words, went from homeless to homecoming queen. She was the Very First Person of Color to be homecoming queen in her hometown. Now, I don't remember where she was from, but children, the first Black homecoming queen in my hometown was voted in only five years after desegregation. I'm just saying. It's been a long, long, long, long time since I was in high school. I'm just sayin'.

In the role first made popular by Camille, and then improved upon by Eva-The-Diva, and continued in every season after, that of the de riguer Black Bitch, we have some ho who pretended to pee on another girl's bed, just so she could "mark [her] territory." That was after someone else had claimed the bed, mind you. Same girl also refused to take less than an hour-long shower, clean up after herself or in any other way be a nice roomie. I'm betting she gets the boot sooner than later, because Mr. Jay (who, was it just the settings on my teevee, or is he a little less orange this season?) will NOT stand for that sort of behavior on HIS sets. Hmmmph. Flounce.

Speaking of flouncing, those nasty, nasty Aswirl Twins were back, and I hope only for a two minute guest shot. Yeah... back to the bitches.

We had the stripper who wasn't a stripper, she was an ENTERTAINER, beeyotch. There's the prettiest girl in school, the delusional dog, the rocker chick. We had the mousy little good Christian girl who wouldn't do the nude shot because nobody should ever get to see her woman parts except her husband and God, and that includes herself (as one of the other hos so rightly noted). And we have our first set of twins, and as much as they have babboon noses, they turned it out in front of the cameras, and I'm betting that one or both get into the finals. The fact that they are twins confused some of the other girls who couldn't quite figure out if that made the twins one or two contestants. There's the mommy whose idea of the all-American family goes like this: I'm a model, I have two kids and my husband is in the military...in Iraq. There's an Indian girl from down the highway from me... Homestead, Florida. Indians in Homestead? Hondurans, Mexicans, Guatamalans, si... but a sub-continent Indian? How the hell did HER family end up in Homestead? And where does she eat when she's in town?

So. First we get snaps on the runway, the LAX runway. Then we do the interviews. Then we had the first rough cut and the next batch of girls get taken to an LA rooftop for some nude shots. That separates some of the chaff, but not all. Next up in our whirlwind first epi, the girls get dragged off to some warehouse or another for a fashion show. They get to see some boy models (any one of whom is prettier than any one of the girls) strut down the cat walk, then they have to take the outfits off the boys, fem them up a little and restrut. Melrose (long in the tooth) wins by a mile. This will come back to bite her in the ass. Note to next season girls: don't win in the early contests.

Short interlude where we see the cool new house, and discover that in two days these young things can make a show house look like a frat house at the end of the semester. What fucking pigs! Who raised these girls? Right. Dead mother, absent mother, and a minister.

Since we don't have Janice to kick (the girls) around any more, Tyra tried to chanel the Divine Miss D. herownself to show the girls how a real alcoholic psycho bitch diva behaves on set. Then, in what Mr. Jay claimed to be The Most Controversial Shoot on ANTM EVAH!!! (would that be even more controversial than, say... the super-hero alien shot? Or the girls on an elephant? That was pretty edgy and controversial, wasn't it?) the girls all get to be model stereotypes.

This is actually a very cool concept, and the baboon-nosed twins nail their shots of anorexic an bulemic models. The resident psycho bitch gets to be Naomi Campbell and throw a cell phone at an assistant, but can't pull it off. Go figure. Squinty-eyed rocker girl gets to be Gia (yeah, they were saying Janice, on set, I'm betting.) and cop a nod with a bottle of Jack in her hand. There's a dumb blonde (Paris?) and the girl who won't get out of bed for less than 10K, the fabulous bitch with the tiny dog and the entourage (who was made up to look like Eva the Diva, IMHO) and a handful of others too boring to remember.

Melrose finds herself in the bottom two, the other girl gets sent home. I don't remember who won. Bulemic twin? Next week, MAKEOVERS!!!!! (and, more importantly, a new episode of Project Runway.)

PS: Where's POTES over at Television Without Pity? This new guy/girl can't hold a candle to Potesie... TWOP? Call me.