Miz Shoes Reviews: ANTM

Last night was the penultimate epi of ANTM, wherein we find out who the final three bitches and hos will be… can we stand the excitement?

I know I could.

We are still in the land down under, and this is the week of native dance. The girls (and Jaslene) meet some Aborigines and are treated to a dance by young girls. It is bitter cold in the out back, or so we are told by the women of no discernible body fat, although the Aboriginal girls are bare foot and seem to have no problems. But, then, they have body fat.

So. See a dance, learn the theory, make up your own story dance. And don’t forget the body paint. Renee, who seems to be really happy to keep calling herself NeNe… and may I digress a moment?

Back in the day, there was a girl among the crowd I was in with who went by the party name of Neigh Neigh Vibrato. I’m sure with a little imagination of a sexual nature you can figure out how she came by that. For me, the name NeNe really doesn’t work, although girlfriend does have something of a horse face.

Anyway, NeNe tells the story of how she was an abused child, and she has sisters and she wants to be a role model for getting above and beyond the abuse and win this for her family, because they are poor and living on a beach in Hawaii and like that, that we’ve heard a million times from her already. Fortunately for her, this is all new material to her audience and they eat it up.

Jaslene (who is now Jaz, at least to NeNe Vibrato) tells the story of his life, which isn’t so much the story of his life as it is the story of how he wants nothing in the world so much as to win this season and become America’s Next Top (Not Quite A) Tranny Model and this is his destiny, Luke. OK. Maybe I made that last part up.

Dionne of the eternal puss face opines that she don’t do no dancin’ she don’t tell no stories, and it’s cold and she ain’t happy one little bit so she is gone do a 20 second “dance” and be done wit it. Dionne seems to me to have an awful lot of “I don’t be doin’ thats” in her life. We have already seen that she don’t be kissin. She ain’t no fuckin’ lesbo (but she did like kissing Kim). She don’t dance. She don’t tell stories. She don’t touch other men. She don’t smile. She be one skank ho, is all I’m saying.

Her dance is short. It refers to her momma gettin’ shot, her sisters and their babies, and she has a big yellow blob with a little pink blob in the uterual region of her dress, which she explains is her spirit and her baby. Yeah, what ever. She gets absolutely no applause.

Natasha actually uses props. She tells the story of how she was a weak child who went into the forest for comfort among the trees. It’s a nice story, if a bit far fetched and totally inaudible. Another woman in my past used to do that same thing. She thought if she whispered in a little baby voice while she was running a business meeting that it made people listen harder to what she was saying and made her more powerful. She, like Natasha, was dead wrong. People thought she was a total flake and whack job, which was absolutely correct. In both instances. Natasha gets some polite applause.

NeNe Vibrato wins, and gets to pick a friend. She picks Jaz to share her prize. The prize turns out to be some a-fucking-mazing South Seas pearls, and it grinds me no end that NeNe wins it. Beeyotch. No mention of how she’s going to hock this to help her family. Not like when she DIDN’T win the $40K diamond bracelet that fatty whatsername took home. No, then she was all boohoo, I needed to win that to get my husband off the beach, wahwahwah. Tonight it was all, I’m so beeeyooootiful in my princess pearls and doncha wish yer girlfriend was hott like me.

The girls (and Jaslene, but not Natasha, who is coming down with pneumonia) decide to go out and party and blow off some steam. Unlike past seasons, there is no vomiting, no random acts of sexual nature with random strangers or each other, no embarrassing moments of excess drunkenness. How much fun is that?

Instead of that, they plot how to send Natasha home, and in what must certainly be a total shocker to you, NeNe Vibrato is the ring master of that plan. She goes on in the confessional and interviews about how Natasha is a total phony (oh, yeah? Excuse me, Mrs. Pot, but there is a Mrs. Kettle on the line for you.) and how nobody even knows the name of her husband, or has seen pictures of her alleged baby, and how she doesn’t wear a wedding ring, and a whole other load of self serving crap.

OK? We, the viewing audience know her husband’s name, it’s Stuart, and she’s said it more than once. We’ve also seen pictures of her baby, and as I said then, it was much cuter than NeNe Vibrato’s floppy one, or Dionne’s unremarkable one. So stuff it, Vibrato. And you know what else? You hos have been on about her being a mail order bride since day one. (So have we out here in TV land, but then, we aren’t sharing living space with her, so fuck off). And so what if she has kinky phone sex with him? Honestly, who among us hasn’t?

Anyway. The girls and Jaslene actually come right out and talk about how they need to work a plan to send Natasha home, so that it can be the three of them in the finals. They trash the poor little Russian girl up one side and down the other. When they get back to the apartment and read the Tyra mail, Jaslene, especially is a total ball-cutting snot to sick little Natasha. What do we think will happen tomorrow? We’re going to judging and SOMEONE (meaningful emphasis and daggers) will be going home. Bitches and ho, people, bitches and hos.

The next day is photo shoot day, where there is more body paint and native dancing. Natasha is so sick she is falling over, coughing and with a runny, red and swollen nose. She tries her hardest to pose and can’t. She is awful beyond awful. Little Orange Man tries to give her a pep talk, and it’s sorta, well, other ANTM contestants have been sick and still brung it, and Tyrant has been sick and brung it, and we just can’t milk this story line one more season, so suck it up and bring it. I’m a little sorry that she just doesn’t bring up her breakfast all over him, but she tries and fails to look hot.

Nene Vibrato rocks it again, damn it. She really does. I wish she weren’t so Naomi Campbell though. What a skank ho rat bastard she is.

Jaslene gives the same old same old fierce face and egocentric reportage he always does. And this is duly noted by Little Orange Man.

Dionne is coaxed, pampered and babied into delivering something other than her puss face frown. It’s a little scary and yet bland, but it does resemble a pleasant smile. The fact that she still has no clue how to pose without constant coaching is also duly noted.

Finally, we get to judging. This is the week where the judges ask the girls who has it and who doesn’t. NeNe Vibrato is first, and she says she’s the shit and did you notice that she’s wearing her big-ass pearl prize that she won this week for being the shit? And that, well, quite frankly, Natasha is a ho-bag two-faced phony and we all hate her and she should be getting the boot tonight, thankewverymuch.

Dionne is up and says, oh so graciously, that NeNe is the shit and that Natasha is a fake piece of Russian trash who needs to be taken out. Thankewverymuch.

Jaslene allows as how, no, really HE’S the shit, and that this is the one thing in his life that he wants more than anybody or anything else in the room and he better fucking win or someone is gonna get cut. And, oh yeah, that Natasha? What a loser. Send her home.

Natasha gets up last, and says that while she appreciates what the others have said about her, actually, she must disagree and say that she has the most potential, because, really, have any of you people looked at a runway lately? It’s ALL Eastern European women who look like her. She’s got the look that everyone wants this year. I don’t even remember who she thought should go home. The judges all jump on the “why does everyone else hate you?” question, and my girl says, hell, if Giselle Bundchen was standing in the room she’s dis her, because that’s who would be her biggest competition. Connect the dots, folks.

There is some very interesting debate from the judges, wherein they talk about how hot NeNe Vibrato is, even though she photographs like a hard and ravaged old hag. Jaslene has one look, and they pull up his first S&M death penalty shot to prove it. Yep. Just the same. As are they all. Then they talk about how having one look can get you a lot of bookings, but after one season, you are done, done, done.

Dionne is recognized as being a puss-faced yak who can’t do dick without heavy art direction. And can I digress a moment to say she should have been called on the carpet last week when at every go-see she asked to KEEP THE CLOTHES!!!! What kind of just-out-of-the-backwoods hick is she? CAN I KEEP IT????? One person cracked that he thought she was going to try to steal the dress, and the final designer, very frostily told her she could BUY what ever she liked. But sweet baby Jesus drinking gin from the cat dish, where did she ever learn her manners or professional etiquette?

Well, that leaves Natasha, whose photo was The Worst In ANTM History. Or so the judges said. Worse than the fishy thing that used to be the worst? It doesn’t matter, because at least she takes direction and tries and showed a huge amount of class in the face of everyone talking shit to her face.

The judges decide that she probably was the victim of a plot to get her tossed out, or else why else would all three of the other girls say exactly the same thing, and anyway, she’s a damn sight nicer and prettier than Dionne, so, bottom line?

The last three standing are: NeNe Vibrato, Jaslene the Tranny, and Natasha, the sweet Russian Mail Order Bride.