ANTM: Miz Shoes Reviews

At the Casita de Zapatos we are down with the bitches and the hos. It was all B & H, all the time, last night, what with new epis of both America's Next Top Model and Project Runway. I stayed awake for both, but would somebody please remind me why?

Last night was Make Overs on ANTM. The B&Hs were driven in their embarrassingly blinged out stretch ... uh... stretch... white limo* to some nondescript diner for brekkies with the Two Jays**. In what has become something of a tradition, one of the girls announces that you can just shave her head, because she has great hair, it grows out fast, and she don't care. Right. They give her a Halle Berry muy short boy cut, and she cries and cries and cries and hates it and fights it and whines and cries... and like that.

In fact, pretty much all of the bitches bitch about their make overs, to the point where the bitchiest of them all (that would be Little Orange Man, Mr. Jay) walks off the set, hands to Jesus in despair. But not before he lectures the girls on manners and gratitude. Which lecture, we will soon see, went in any number of ears and drifted out the others.

Kim2.0 got the boy cut and bleach job. Ashram or what ever her name is, got her hair line lifted and her hair layered. She did not complain, even when getting her forehead hair yanked out in clumps. Jaeda of the she-nis, did complain, see above. AJ (aka whoever- that-evil-corn-toothed-bitch-was-two-seasons-ago-lite) got the Linda Evangalista longer boy cut. The twins got two different shades of red. Michelle got waves, Amanda did not.

And Oh. My. God. I can't believe I've already memorized their names. I am pathetic.

Uh, yeah... the blonde with the chin went brunette. Melrose went blond (but not without a panic attack or three, and dry heaves and crying fits and whatever. Eugenia (I don't find you likeable) got one of Tyra's old wigs. Meggggg the Annoying Rocker chick got more hair to toss.*** Some other hamsters got some other looks. And then the diva of all divas, the most unlikeable of the unlikeables, the Camille of Season Seven, Miss Thing Her Own Self, Moonique, got extensions. To get them, they had to take her old ones out. This caused Much Distress. For everyone. It was about then that Mr. Jay had had enough and pointed out to Mooo-nique that she was dissing the hair designer, who is someone that people hock their houses to have do their hair, she was dissing him, dissing Tyrant, dissing the universe, and looking like ass while doing it.

They had a very cool challenge that involved Cover Girl Make Up (imagine that) and also riding an elevator, changing clothes, riding an elevator, and meeting Queen Latifah and her personal make up artist. If you missed the elevator, you were automatically eliminated from the challenge. One girl missed the lift on the first floor. Oops. Mooo-nique missed it later, and she was peeeesed. All the other hamsters allowed as how they'd be avoiding her like the plague as a result.

Unfortunately, that wasn't possible. She locked herself in the phone booth for three hours, and talked to the dial tone for at least one hour. Ashram was the only girl with the cajones (she's from Homestead, people) to walk in and hang up the phone. And also, judging by the beeped out dialog, they both cursed like longshoremen. Good for them. Didn't help, because that was done after the second hour, and Mooo-nique went on talking to the dial tone for another hour and a half after that.

Then they did Hair Wars shots. I have to say, that this season's shoots are the best yet. They actually look like real photo shoots, and are truly challenging. Can you wear the hair, or will the hair wear you was the challenge to the girls. Melrose redeemed herself from last week. Mooo-nique had mean little squinty eyes. Eugene wouldn't take direction. The twins rocked it. Jaeda, not so much. Annoying Rocker Chick, meh. Ashram, great. Kim2.0? Went home.

And that was that, except for some random heinous behavior from Mooo-nique. The two girls most likely to come to blows this season? Mooo-nique and Melrose.

*Escalade? Hummer? Who knows, who cares.

** There's a chain of really good delis in SoFla by the name of TooJays. Mmmm. Now I want chopped liver.

*** Headbanger's Ball. I bet she l-u-v-s Poison.