Back From the Shadows Again

It’s the Reunion Show on Project Runway, that zany episode where all the auffed contestants get to come back and talk shit to the finalists, and we get to see all the really crazy shit that ended up on the cutting room floor.

The show starts with Kit Pistol and Elisa talking about the fan mail they get from kids. Of course Kit would be the favorite contestant of the eight and under crowd. She looks like she still dots her “i’s” with little hearts, and probably carries a Hello Kitty purse. In fact, she’s wearing opera-length fingerless ivory gloves. Elisa, on the other hand, says that her fan mail comes from little girls who tell her she’s shown them that they can be different, and it’s O.K.

She says that. I don’t know that I believe her, because (jumping ahead a little here) when she gets her five minutes of flashback, never-before-seen footage, we realize that the editors were actually being kind and generous in their portrayal of her in the footage that did air.

When she says she took a blow to the head, I’m thinking it wasn’t the Porsche in London, but maybe she was dropped on her head as a baby. Girlfriend is scary out to lunch. Remember the spit marking? They didn’t show us that there was an incantation that went with it. Or the anti-bad vibes spritzer she used on her clothes. Or the vast and complex language of grunts and fwooshes and twitters and whatnot that she used…to Tim Gunn. But I get ahead of myself. Sweet P says that the best part of being on the show is being recognized and talked to by celebrities. Which celebrities? Jack Black, who told her she was his favorite. How cool. Jack Black watches Project Runway. Jack Black has the good taste to love on the P.

Anyway, out come the four finalists, and Christian is first. Heidi teases him about his hair, and he admits that he did it four times before he was happy with its fierceness. Jillian flounces out in patterned hose and a cute little mini-dress. Rami does some weird snaps behind the scrim and sweet, Chris March just shambles out.

We are treated to a replay of the final challenge when Rami and Chris learn that they will have to go mano a mano against each other, and there is a close up of Rami sort of stroking the back of Chris’ hand. In fact, there is a lot of touching and stroking throughout the hour between the two of them. Now. I love me that big ole’ Sweety Bear Chris, and my love of Rami’s Heavenly Arms is well documented. Did the two of them become an item behind our backs? I would love it. Because, really and come on, stank attitude or not, Rami is a hottie, and Chris, while sweet and loveable, is not. Wouldn’t it just be the best for Chris to score with the likes of Rami of the Heavenly Arms?

Recap of Jack (speaking of heavenly arms) leaving, and his propensity for sleeping in the nude, to the chagrin of Kevin, who is still straight, and would like to remind everyone that this is so. Montage of Kevin being straight moments. This brings us to the “you have no fucking idea exactly HOW whack Elisa is” montage. The crowning moment of which is the revelation that she writes backwards in her journal because of her childhood crush on Da Vinci. She tells Heidi that “Project Runway” backwards? Is YAWNER. That’s right, she repeats, in case we weren’t clear on how dissed we were getting: YAWN-UR. And cut.

The next montage is of Little Emo Boy Ricky and his stupid crying and his even stupider, little twee hats, one of which he is, of course, wearing for the reunion show. It looks like it was made out of Raspberry Fruit Leather. With black patent trim. It is, if it is at all possible, perhaps the ugliest, twee-est hat yet. Amazingly, even though we are all forced to watch him weep and cry and leak tears for at least five solid minutes, not a tear is shed (at least by him) on this night. He also defends his weepiness by saying that the waterworks surprised him as well, as he didn’t know he would get on teevee and “cry like a woman.” Hmmph. No? Well, you break just like a little girl. Rami, trying to prove that the Totally Stank Attitude was a fluke of stress, and that he really is sweet, says that he finds beauty and something or other in Ricky’s tears. Salt, Rami, and it reminds you of the Dead Sea, back home.

The closest we get to drama comes next, when Heidi or Tim asks the designers how they felt when they finally saw what the others said about them. Proving why they said what they did about her, Carmen gets all snippy about how nobody was sorry to see her leave. The designers try to be nice and suck up. Too little too late huffs Carmen.

Long montage of Chris’ laughter, with side notes of Jillian saying that his laugh got old fast, and other designers (and Heidi) trying to duplicate it. There is a shot of him in the Temple of Dendur, and boyhowdee, in an empty museum space of such volume? That shit echoes.

NinaGarcia and Michael Kors stop in for a little face time, and we get to see MK lose it over the wrestling divas.  It’s pretty amazing. He could not get it together and keep a straight face for a minute. I understand. The designers get to explain their wrestling diva names and signature moves. Then Heidi asks Tim what his diva name would be and he says (wait for it…) Polly Syllabicus. Miz Shoes howls with laughter as the crickets sound and the designers look blankly at Tim. NinaGarcia tells us that she has been called Meana Garzilla when fans of the show meet her in public. Well, that’s a little harsh, non?

Proving that he’s as good a sport as anyone, we get to see what Michael Kors looked like in the 70s and 80s. Holy tousled blonde curls, Batman, what happened to him? Too much time at Studio 54? Not to be outdone, Heidi gets her own greatest hits reel, and we see that she still has a hard time with English. And maybe speaking in a register that human ears can hear.

The rest of the reunion is even more drama-free and boring. Finally, we get to see who the fan favorite was/is, and it is Christian. By a landslide, says Heidi. Rilly? That annoying yet enormously talented little twit was the fan favorite? Eh. I would have thought Sweet P or Chris, which is why Miz Shoes does recaps on her virtually unknown blog, and not on Television Without Pity. Previous fan favorite, Mychael Knight (who has gotten his braces off and is launching a fragrance) presents the Big Check and then it’s Christian’s montage. We see him trying on every flouncy, puffy-sleeved thing he made. We see him annoying the other designers. We see him say “fierce” at least one hundred times. Fierce, Fabulous and Flawless, he says.

P picks Rami for the win. Steven goes with Christian or Jillian. Carmen says she thinks it’ll be Rami, not because he’s the best but because he would be the most palatable to the American public. Snap! And that’s why nobody missed you, Miss Thang. Kit opts for Jillian, Victorya for Christian, Marion for Rami. Jack is last and says it’s anybody’s game, and y’know? It just might be Chris. Miz Shoes kinda hopes so.

Next week: Tim visits the designers at home, and Rami and Chris have a muthafuckin walkoff.