Gimme Spirit Fingers

Morning has broken, and the girls are waking. Keith is showing off his tats and hard body. Kenley is interviewing that winning and having her point of view understood by people who are important in the fashion world feels good. Good lord, but this group is insipid. Putting the exclamation point on that is a brief shot of the boys’ blackboard where Oompa-loompa-licious has changed the name of his imaginary team to Sex-licious.

We trot off to Parsons for model selection and Kenley is smart enough to keep her model, Shannone, who is, hands down, the best thing on the show this season, model or designer. Heidi is wearing a wonderful, sheer grey blouse with a cascade of ruffles down the center front. I wonder if it’s one of Christian’s pieces.

The designers are sent away quickly, for yet another field trip with Tim. Joe (who is straight and has 2 daughters, remember) is whining about not knowing their destination. Tim is querying Oompa-loompa-licious about the tanning habit. Oompa-loompa-licious says that where other (more normal) people go to the gym every other day, he goes to the tanning salon. Tim points out that this is a huge time commitment. Oompa-looompa-licious is completely blasé about the whole thing, and whines a little about missing his tanning booth.

DESTINATION MOON

Or, to be more accurate, the Armory Track and Field Center, decorated with Project Runway and 2008 Olympics banners. Suede (who thankfully, does not refer to himself in the third person a single time this week, but who, unfortunately reveals other, equally annoying verbal tics) says “Oh. My. God. It’s GI-NORMOUS!!!” (pronounced with a jay and a hard i, like giant)

The designers enter the cavernous space and see a lonely speed skater whipping around the roller derby track on blade skates. He pulls up in front of them and reveals himself to be Apolo Ohno, gold medalist in the ’04 Olympics and winner of Dancing With The Stars. Apolo is as big a reality tee-vee star as he is an Olympian, and I long for the days when athletes were “just” athletes. He’s a wee little fellow, and cute as a bug’s ear. Terri interviews that the boy is HOTT and that “he sold it.” To which I can only add, no shit and duh. Apolo Ohno will also be their guest judge.

The challenge this week is create a look (women’s wear only) for the opening ceremonies where the teams walk onto the field, representing their countries. It is always a fashion show, and one of the more colorful and entertaining parts of the meet. Tim reminds the designers that their design should represent America, and that in real life, it’s a big deal. This year Ralph Lauren has designed the Americans ensembles, and in the past names like Giorgio Armani have designed for their home countries.

Daniel2.0 reveals that he has never watched the opening ceremonies of any Olympics. Oh, great.  The budget this week is $150, and they have until midnight. There is an Olypmics museum at the Armory (who knew) and the designers get to wander around for an hour or two, all by themselves, to find inspiration from the past.

In interviews, Oompa-loompa-licious says that this is “HUMUNGOUS!!!  (which should not be confused with another word for Blayne: homunculus. Joe, who is straight and has two daughters, cackles madly that this is his challenge to win or lose, as he always watches the Olympics and he’s a sportswear designer and he’s straight.

As they go through the museum, and while shopping at Mood, the designers reveal their plans. Terri is going to create something that is classic Americana sportswear (What ever that is. I have visions of square dance costumes and bad stage productions of Paint Your Wagon. I think she meant American sportswear.)

Pop quiz: who says that they will be making some thing that is “bold, fur, progressive, leatha, aerodynamic and like modern gladiators”? Yeah. Right. Stellicous.

Jerell is going back to the 1940s and 50s for suits and blazers. Daniel whines that he’s totally into glamour and that this challenge has nothing to do with him. Is it just me or is there a lot, and I mean a metric shit ton lot more whining this year than in past seasons?

Korto is going to use leather and linen. Kenley has a cobalt blue over-sized plaid. Stellicious has glommed onto some black stretch satin, which she is going to trim with red, white and blue. There is drama as Keith steals Terri’s op-art red and white chiffon. (Where the HELL is my chiffon?) Terri, who will never play to stereotype, delivers a “Oh, no, you DI’N’T!” with a tear in her eye and a straight face. Leanne or Jennifer says that Stellicious’ work looks like a “goth night club”. Stellicious is all “There’s a lot of bikers who watch the Olympics.” Which may very well be, but they are neither the sponsors of same nor are they competing in any sport. Unless boob-flashing, drinking and beating someone with bike chains become Olympic sports.

Tim makes the rounds, gives the designers until midnight to complete their looks, and adds that the winner gets immunity in the next challenge. He does not say “Make it work” but instead tells them to pull the stops out and work hard.

PUMPING IRON(ing boards)

Leanne or Jennifer says that she was a cheerleader because she was a gymnast. Joe (who is straight and has two small daughters who play softball) played football in Junior High, but then everybody else grew and so he never made it to varsity. He took up sewing instead. And yes, he’s straight. Really. Daniel2.0 is going to make a cocktail dress, because drinking (see above about the bikers) should be an Olympic sport. I concur, and there’s a sport where age would have an advantage. I could try out.

Oompa-loompa-licious makes some feeble joke about being an Olympic tanner and that the medals only go to bronze. Ha. Ha. Ha. He’s killing me here. Terri’s making a jacket, pants, bustier and a shirt or a dickie or something. Jennifer is making a little skirt and a short swing jacket with a Peter Pan collar. Stellicious gets teased about her choice of color: “Stella, are you using black because we’re in a depression?” (That, on the other hand, is funny.) No, she says, in her nasal deadpan, because it’s tuff. Keith says he’s doing something playful with fleece and silk. Sounds vaguely dirty to me.

Joe, the straight dude, spends a long time bitching about Daniel2.0 and Kenley having a good time and working together. In fact, this leads to a lot of the designers whining about Kenley’s laugh and the fact that she and Daniel2.0 are getting along. They think that these two are having altogether too much of a good time and that they have no consideration for the miserable demeanors of those around them.

Korto talks about coming to America as a refugee and how America is, to her, a land of hopes and dreams and second chances. She always watches the Olympics and she is using white because she says those teams dressed in white always pop during the opening ceremonies. There’s an awful lot of back story, and I have a moment of fear that we will be going the female circumcision route again. Thankfully, this is not so.

As we head to commercials there is another Bravo poll which ridicules Oompa-loompa-licious and Stellicious. Back in the workroom, with three hours left till midnight, Tim comes in to review. First is Joe, who is working in red, white and blue. He’s making a skort, and he’s created a red and blue zipper by taking a zipper of each color apart, then recombining them. Tim is very impressed by this little detail and says it shows some wit.

IT WAS 20 YEARS AGO

Oompa-loompa-licious is making something. He says he wants to be literal, but clearly has no idea of what literal means, because when Tim doesn’t understand and asks Oompa-loompa-licious to explain his meaning, he says it means athletic. Tim says that rather than athletic, Oompa-loompa-licious’ garment looks a little Sergeant Pepper. Cue the crickets. Oompa-loompa-licious has no idea what Tim is referring to. Tim tells him. Oompa-loompa-licious points to something and says it’s a 1930’s cardigan and Tim says no it isn’t and walks off, but not before Oompa-loompa-licious gets him to say “holla atcha boy” one more time. The surrogate daughters grab the knitting needles out of my hands before I can stab myself with them.

Daniel2.0 is concerned that his cocktail dress is looking a little Superman-ish, and Tim assures him for Olympic athletes, this is a perfectly acceptable reference. Tim is concerned, however, that Daniel2.0 is starting to over-think himself and beginning to unravel…sort of like he does every challenge. Oh, Daniel2.0, eat a cookie. Relax.

Jerell is working with a menswear suiting fabric and is using it to construct a skirt with horizontal stripes. Tim, ever so delicately, points out that they are designing for women athletes, who are muscle-y, and might not want to wear horizontal stripes. Tim thinks the whole look is veering dangerously into Lucy Ricardo-land. As he comes up to Jennifer, Tim says that her work is looking a little matronly, again. There’s a full, pleated skirt in gold and white stripes. Kenley is talking Daniel2.0 out of making a matching bolero.

We cut to the sewing room, where we see Daniel2.0 working away on a machine, surrounded by about a dozen other machines, which are not in use. Joe, who is straight and used to play football, immediately starts in on Daniel2.0 for being on HIS machine. HIS machine is HIS machine because he’s been using that particular machine for a couple of days, and furthermore, had threaded it with white thread before wandering out of the workroom to do something else. Joe, who is straight, is escalating this argument into WAHmbulance territory. Suede does not refer to himself in the third person, but does interview that fighting over machines is “whackadoodle”. MizShoes gets misty-eyed, reminiscing over the good old days when Suede referred to himself in the third person and refrained from using words like gi-normous and whackadoodle. And then, with absolutely no self-awareness whatsoever, Joe (who is straight) interviews that the reason there is SO. MUCH. DRAMA is because there are “too many queens around.”

RUN, RUN, RUN (A)WAY

It is morning in the boys’ room and Jerell is moisturizing his thighs.

It’s runway day and the tension is high in the work room. Kenley and Daniel2.0 are using the same blue fabric, but for some reason, Kenley thinks that Daniel2.0’s is going to look purple on the runway and hers won’t.  Straight Joe has gotten over his little snit enough to say that he’s going to win, because the judges are going to be looking for red, white and blue and he has a background in sportswear. That made no sense, did it?

Also making no sense is Oompa-loompa-licious, who says that Jerell’s picture hat, pencil skirt and secretary blouse look like the fashions on the Titanic. In fact, they look like Dior’s New Look, only tacky and ill-made. Oompa-loompa-licious absolutely no sense of history, fashion or otherwise. Korto says that the room looks like the past, but she looks to the future.

On the runway, Heidi is wearing something, short, shiny and tight and looking fierce. So much for NinaGarcia’s cautionary statement about that combination. We meet the judges.

Korto’s look is a nice vest with some color detail like epaulets on the shoulders and a high-waisted, very well-fitted pant with super-wide legs.

Suede’s got a micro roller skating skirt (in satin)with a racer-back top. Kelli has done something that looks like the 50s (again). Blue pencil skirt with white detailing, secretary/rockabilly blouse with a big, floppy bow.

Joe has made a nice little skort with USA actually appliquéd down the side. The two-tone zippers are a very nice detail. The consensus in the living room is that this works perfectly for the challenge.

Leanne has made some kind of shapeless white top with a huge, fluffy peplum and an ascot-looking red/white/blue collar and shorts. Daniel2.0’s cocktail dress has the buttons from Mickey Mouse’s shorts down the front and looks like a 1960s stewardess uniform. Coffee, tea, or a 100 meter dash?

Jerell has made something truly ugly and truly awful with an absolutely abominable polka-dot hat and has stuck freaking Capri-length leggings under the skirt, just to add a little sartorial insult to sartorial injury.

Stellicious’ black stretch satin looks an awful lot like the crap she made last week: there is a vest, this one belly-revealing, and with semi-cap sleeves, and skin-tight Capri-length pants/leggings with an exposed zipper accenting the crotch. She’s accessorized with an ugly pair of bronze booties from the BlueFly wall. For a hard-core rocker, this look evokes nothing more than the “bad girl” costume Olivia Newton-John wears at the end of Grease.

Keith has made a micro-bubble skirt in a navy/white plaid, and paired it with a white, hip-length sleeveless blouse that has a huge, popped color. This is accessorized with a pair of long scarves: one navy, one red.

Terri’s red, white and blue bustier barely fits, but that problem is concealed by the cascading ruffles of her ascot/dickie/scarf made of the contested chiffon (which appeared nowhere in Keith’s outfit). The white pants are fitted, and have color detailing in the outside seam. The cropped blazer is really cute. Again, the living room is happy with this look.

Jennifer’s Peter Pan-collared navy swing jacket sits over a full, pleated gold and white skirt. It is very, very preppy and very, very cute. It is had nothing at all to do with sports, unless one intends to wear it to a polo match, or to dine on strawberries and cream on the grass at Wimbledon.

Oompa-loompa-licious has cranked out yet another one-sleeved, asymmetrical snooze fest. The pants are skin-tight, the top looks like a Flashdance remake. Kenley has used her immunity in this challenge to make a high-waisted, skin-tight skirt out of her large-scale plaid, which she has sewn on the bias. There is a high-collared white top with a large collar. As the model turns around, I see that the plaid doesn’t match, or even come within a shot-put throw of matching on the center seam.

WE WHO ARE ABOUT TO DIE

Heidi calls out Suede, Kelli, Stellicious, Leanne, Keith, Blayne and Kenley. These are the designers who are safe. The surrogate daughters and I exchange incredulous looks. We want what the judges are smoking, because we can’t believe that the designers who are left represent the best and worst. But the judges say they do, so what do we know?

Terri’s work is praised by Apolo who says that the colors pop and the look is American. Michael Kors says that it’s very Lauren Hutton, 1970s. NinaGarcia says that a team dressed in that outfit would be sharply dressed, indeed.

Jennifer claims that her look was inspired by a track suit from the 20s, but Heidi says that it is neither American nor Olympian. It is not strong, nor does it exude confidence. Furthermore, it is completely missing any athletic component. Well. That’s harsh. Accurate, but harsh.

Straight Joe, on the other hand, is praised for the zipper and the little athletic details. Apolo says that the look is very body-conscious and appropriate for athletes. Straight Joe glows with pride.

Daniel2.0 says that his look is modern. Apolo says that may be, but it is not athletic, at all. NinaGarcia says that there is nothing about the look that says USA and questions the color of the fabric, which looks purple on the runway. MK delivers the best line of the night when he says that the color is the least of the dress’ problems. Where is she from? He asks, putting his note card in front of first one eye and then the other, the Republic of Cocktail Land?

NinaGarcia loves Korto’s use of the super light weight leather and linen. It is, she declares: chic. Heidi loves it, too. Apolo says that it’s unique, comfortable and very modern, very ought eight.

Jerell is wearing something ridiculous: there’s a Nehru hat with stuff on it, and combat boots with his pants legs tucked in and lots of wicketywack on him, which perfectly (?) complements the over-the-top silliness of his outfit. He claims it is unique. MK almost chokes and says something like, yuh, but not in a good way. Apolo points out that it would be more at home on a movie set than in a track and field arena. NinaGarcia calls it Mary Had a Little Lamb. MK gets the last word, and that word is meshuggana.

As the judges tally up the scores, Terri gets all of Michael Kors’ love for sportswear separates. Joe, they say, made it look easy. They all love his athletic aesthetic. There is not so much love for Jennifer. Kors’ says her look represents a prim, romantic athlete who is bashful about her body, or, in other words, Jennifer can’t get past her own issues. About Daniel, they say that if your sport is drinking, the dress was perfect. Schnort. Does this mean I get a dress?

The gold goes to Korto! Huh? What happened to all the Terri and Straight Joe love?

They get the silver and bronze. Jerell is in. Why? The bottom two designers are Daniel, who missed the concept completely and is told that his sad little purple cocktail dress was “slutty, slutty, slutty” (what about the belly-baring stretch satin from Stellicious? That wasn’t slutty enough for you?) and Jennifer, who is stuck in the past as a designer, when the whole point of this show is the future. Needless to say, Jennifer goes home. And as she leaves, she reminds us once again that she was a surrealist. Jen? Honey? Go back to art school, and figure out what Surreal means, because it isn’t a Peter Pan collar. Unless you’ve painted one onto a giraffe… in a bathtub… and called it Pan-Nationalism.

Till next week, let’s keep the scissors sharp.