I Lurve The Night Life

We open with Suede, opining about the parting of Jerry: “Any decision that isn’t Suede going home is the right decision.” Or not, if Suede doesn’t start using the first person singular in the next hour.

Stella, over in the girl’s suite, monotones about some wheat grass shake that one of the triplets is making up for her: “I’m not a cow (that’s what SHE says).  I don’t like grass.” And Miz Shoes cocks one eyebrow, and thinks, hmmmm, what? Is crystal meth more her cocktail of choice?

IN THE MOOD

Or, conversely, back to Parsons’ runway for model selection. It goes by very fast, and since there are still more designers than Miz Shoes has attention span, some names may be omitted for

brevity

lack of concentration. Miz Shoes also has no doubt that many of these names are incorrect or merely misspelled or misheard. Miz Shoes does not know how long she can keep writing about herself in the third person without having to slap herself. About now, she thinks.

Kelli keeps Germaine; Joe takes Carpacio; Blayne & Erlina; Emily/Leslie; Keith/Runa; Jennifer/Alex; Wes?; Suede/Tia; Jerell (who is bemoaning the loss of his original model) opts for Nicole; Kenley/Shannon; ?/Kendall; ?/Katarina; Terri/Xavier; DanielV2.0/Bulimia and finally Leanne picks Karalyn.

The challenge for the week is to create a cocktail dress for their model, who is also the client.  The theme is young, glamorous woman. The first twist is that the designers will be working with green, environmentally sound textiles.

Once in the workroom, Tim drops this little bomb: The models will go to Mood and shop for their own materials.  Quiz: who had this to say about that:

“Oh, great. Someone who doesn’t know anything about fabric will be buying fabric for me.” Was it Jerell? Was it Stella? Was it Suede? Really, because I wrote that in my notes, but not who said it. I suspect Stella, because I can hear her whiny monotone saying that. Or Jerell, because he’s got the catty bitch role nailed this season. The models get $75 and the designers get ten hours. The models roll out of the workroom with one of the girl clones yelling “Don’t forget closures! Zippers! Buttons!” at their retreating backs.

Keith’s model, Roona, immediately grabs peacock tail feathers, and then tries to find fabric to match. This does not bode well. Jerell interviews that he’s expecting remnants and tatters. He should.

BACK IN THE SADDLE

Or, alternately, back in the Parsons’ workroom, where the models come back and dump their fibery treasures on the cutting tables, and prove that models have no clue about fashion, or at least how much fabric goes into a dress. Not a one of them has purchased enough yardage to cover their size zero asses, as we will shortly see. Not to foreshadow, or anything. Also, they travel in flocks, and bought in flocks, so there are several designers working with the same hideous brown satins and ivory hemp/silk combos.

Kenley is handed jersey, which she thinks is so not cocktail dress. Keith has those peacock feathers, and some champagne and peach fabric. Wesley gets the brown satin and something he calls a disgusting green that doesn’t go with it. I would call it more an un-lovely, washed out pistachio than disgusting green. But that’s just me.  Suede’s model brings the silk/hemp and some scarlet jersey. Suede says that Suede listened to what his model wanted. Suede says that Suede loves bias strips. Miz Shoes says, Oh, rilly? Then would Suede please come to Miz Shoes studio and make bias binding for all of her quilts, because Miz Shoes hates the bias strip.

Kendall is earthy and organic and wants something beachy and flowy, and has brought sea-colored jersey to her designer. Unfortunately, her designer is Stella. Stella is so not about the beach (unless there happens to be an epidemic of used hypodermics washing up on said beach). Stella admits that free is not her “design aesthetic” and that she is urban and bondage and tight. In what seems to be a theme for Stella, she pronounces that having to work outside her comfort zone is confusing to her. This is not what she does. She does leather. And for the record, my dear, dear darling Paulie of the House of Gallofornia does leather, too. And he doesn’t look like a rode hard hag and he would never, ever whine about having to work outside his comfort zone. I know, let it go.

Emily is happy with the green aspect of the challenge and interviews that the amount of chemicals and such that the textile industry dumps into the environment is, and I quote, “gnarly.” Thank you for expressing yourself so eloquently, Thing 1. Korto is yapping about being African, and her model being Latina and therefore the two of them have curves and she is all about the curves, and she is going to make a dress that shows off the curves.

And then we get to that tanorexic little troll, Blayne.  Blayne says that his pet name for Heidi is (and I may have to heave before I finish this sentence) Darth Licious. Because she’s all dark on the one side and light on the other or some such horse shit.  We need to talk. I loathe that little troll. I loathe the stupid knit hat with flair. I loathe the over-tanning. I hate the ‘holla’ crap. But mostly, and particularly, I hate the Licous. So, what shall we name Blayne?

Over in the other corner, Suede is talking about himself in the third person and getting on all the other designers’ nerves. Thing2 (Leanne) speaks for us all when she interviews that Suede needs to stop talking about himself in the third person. But then she totally blows her credibility out of the water by taking a perfectly acceptable, if not actually nice, dress and adding random, appliquéd shapes to it. Her basis is the same monkey-shit brown as Wesley. Korto is working herself into a tizzy by thinking that Wesley and she are making the same dress. Tim comes over to throw a little cold water on her. He looks at her dress, and makes a comment about the darts. Korto tells him that the darts are going to remain on the outside of the dress. This sets Tim back on the heels of his Florsheim wingtips. Hmmmmm. This all has to be perfection or you’ll be dealing with a hot mess, he says, and yes, that is an absolute direct quote. Oh, Timmy. You loved Christian, too. I bet Tim has the same Hot Mess, Tranny, Fierce t-shirt I do. Wesley is doing structured satin.

Tim arrives at Thing2’s work station and politely mentions that she has a whole lot of stuff going on, and that she needs to edit. Tone it down. Resolve it.  Oh, Pee Ess, the winner of today’s challenge will not be getting immunity. Rather, they will be having their dress manufactured and produced (and presumably sold) by Bluefly. Speaking of whom, get a new freakin’ ad. If I have to see that smug bitch walk naked through the airport one more time, I’m going to be tempted to stab her in the heart with those spiked heels. The other announcement has to do with the challenge judge: one young Hollywood starlet. OK. That narrows things down.

COMMERCIAL INTERLUDE

Wherein Bravo posts the following poll:

Which is crazier:

1. Blayne’s tanorexia

2. Stella’s leather fetish

3. Suede’s use of the third person

I don’t think anyone will argue with the premise that if your owners/handlers are pointing out your crazy foibles, that you are not in the running for the win.

THIS IS THE END

Back in the workroom, Daniel 2.0 is just hoping to get his garment finished. Where have we seen that before? But does he do the Daniel shuffle?

Kendall and Stella are having a fitting. Kendall is thrilled with the skin-tight, champagne colored, asymmetric, one-armed, laced-up-the-side sheath that Stella has made for her. She doesn’t mind in the least that Stella paid absolutely no attention to her desires, or even her fabric choices, because she says it looks better than what she had in mind. Playing to the stereotype of a dumb clothes hanger, are we, Kendall? Stella and Blayne get into a pissing/dissing match, then make up when Blayne tells Stella that he “loves [her] leatherface.” Nobody in the room seems to notice that he’s just called her a psychotic chainsaw-wielding murderer who makes sausages out of the dead.

Daniel 2.0 is still sewing. Wesley’s dress doesn’t fit. Jerell looks over and says that Team Ugly Brown Fabric seems a leetle panicked. Suede says that Suede will be rockin’ the show. His dress looks a little bit like bondage gear, what with all the strips and the red jersey showing through.

Out on the runway, we are introduced to our young starlet: Natalie Portman, who has started her own line of vegan shoes. So who better to judge the green challenge? Nobody. And we’re off.

Keith sends out a scalloped lamp shade in ivory something. Terri’s dress is simple, navy blue and has some interest at the neck. It is stylish and wearable. Wesely’s dress prompted the following note: “Ooof. Wrinkly.” and that wasn’t the worst of it. Jerell’s dress is blue, hemmed in peacock feathers and with side panels of something darker blue and sparkly. Wasn’t that the crap that Runa bought for Keith? My brain hurts. Whatever, it’s as ugly as homemade sin. Jennifer sends out something cute and floaty and grey and orange with color blocks and straps that look like the whole thing is sort of a jumper. I love it and would wear it. That’s the kiss of death. Daniel 2.0 sends out a totally boring baby doll with a lot of fabric in the back that makes it look sort of trapeze-y, sort of train-y and sort of not so hot.

Joe is another designer saddled with that ugly brown satin, and he has made an ugly brown slip dress with a stupid rhinestone-rimmed circular cut-out just between and below the boobs. Suede’s bandages have a tulle miniskirt. Kenley (Thing3) sends out something with an enormous, face-eating neck ruffle that looks like the dress that Thing1 (Emily) sent out last week, except without the color or dingleberries. Kelli’s dress is skin-tight and has a color-block bodice and a fauxlero with a ruffle.

Thing2 (Leanne) has produced a hot mess, just as Tim predicted. It’s way too short, it has pockets on the bottom hem, flounces and shapes and attached pieces and it’s wrinkly. Satin is the devil for wrinkles, ask the Fug Girls.  Stella’s dress is well made and skin tight and as much as I want to, I can’t hate it. I don’t love it, but it doesn’t suck, unlike, say, The Little Tan Troll’s asymmetric slop of a hot pink dress with a neck/sleeve combination that looks like someone tried to rip the dress off the model and only partially succeeded. Emily (Thing1) also has a baby doll dress, one which barely covers the model’s tootie. But that isn’t her fault, since it was the model who bought an insufficiency of fabric. There is some braiding. Is it Terri from last week, Rami of the Heavenly Arms from last season, or Santino from Season 2? Don’t know. Don’t care. Don’t love it, even if it were longer.

Korto’s dress of mustard colored something or another is immaculately constructed, and badly designed. But it fits like nothing else on that runway. Except, maybe, and it pains me to say this, Stella’s one armed banshee.

YOU SAY GOODBYE

Keith, Terri, Jerell, Jennifer, Daniel 2.0, Joe, Kelli, The Little Tan Troll and Thing 1 (Emily) are all safe and sent off the runway.

Kenley: NinaGarcia says that it is adult glamour. The black detail at the waist is declared chic. The judges declare that she’s the only one who handled this fabric correctly.

Wesley: He claims not to have had enough fabric. Heidi claims it is overworked. Michael Kors advises that satin, to look good, must look as though no human hands have touched it and Wesley’s dress looks like 20 sets of human hands have had their way with it. Also? Crazy short. It is at this point that NinaGarcia reveals the Universal Truth: “Shiny, tight and short is the quickest way to look cheap.” Word.

Stella: Michael likes the lacing and the fact that Stella’s personality comes through. Miz Shoes thinks that Michael hasn’t seen the footage of Stella’s personality enough to make that judgement. Queen Amidala says that she’s not fond of the asymmetry, but that the dress is nicely done. During the judges’ confab, MK says that Stella can make the Bicker Chick Chic.

Korto: The bottom is off balance and the flanges look like ass wings. MK says that even curvy girls don’t want fins on their asses. He would know. But, he says, that the inside-out darts were genius. Well, he liked them.

Suede: Natalie loves the dress and says she’d wear it. Heidi says that if she were 10 years younger, she’d wear it too. Miz Shoes has no clue in this world what it is about the dress that makes Heidi think she needs to be younger to wear it, since in this past year Heidi has worn a dress that showed her ass-crack, many dresses that are much shorter, and many dresses that were cut much lower. I think it may be the tulle skirt, which Queen Amidala says does NOT look like Ballerina Barbie, although it could have.

But look at this close-up, which I stole from the Project Rungay boys:

You call that well made? Uneven, lumpy, and messy. The bias strips are all pulling. That neckline is a disaster. I can’t believe that the judges didn’t jump all over this shit. But they didn’t. No, they rewarded it with the win. Because Suede can rock it. He is as gracious a winner as the Pencil-Necked-Shmoo ever was, and crows: Yeah, Suede fuckin’ won. Whoo-fuckin’ Hoo, says Miz Shoes, who can’t wait to see how that gets interpreted by the BlueFly group.

Leanne: Her model kills her by saying that it isn’t what she had in mind. Michael says that it’s five, five, five dresses in one, and that none of them were very good. Editing is a skill, and one she needs.

In the end, Leanne (Thing 3) is allowed to stay and try to learn editing, and Wesley is sent home for making something unflattering and a lousy fit. And for wearing red suede scuffs with a cut-off three-piece suit. Please, girl. You were cute, but nobody is that cute.