In Which I Officially Go Blind

The Miami Herald has a feature on Wednesdays, in the Tropical Life section. It is a full page photo of a local "style leader" (although often they are style leaders in their own minds only, as you can, and many people it would seem, DO, nominate oneself for the recognition). There are text call outs, where different aspects of their dress or grooming are noted.

This week, after my retinas recovered from the image, I sat down and penned the following note to the editor of the feature. I would include a scan of the wretched article, but I have already tossed it into the recycle bin, or used it to line the kitty litter box. Either are worthy ends to this mess of hot buttered ass.



(Edited 4.14.06: RJ rescued this from her recycle bin so the rest of you guys can have your retinas damaged.)
Dear Ms. Wexler,

week after week I read your "Putting it Together" feature, and week after week I swear I will never do it again. Today's featured dresser has to be one of the worst yet. Vacuous and vain, inarticulate to the point of illiterate and badly put together.

Point 1. A watch, or any other inanimate object for that matter, cannot "give a demeanor." I don't even know what she was trying to say.*

Point 2. She never washes her own hair? Puh-leeze. That just made me want to slap her. **

Point 3. Pink shoes, with a red blouse and a black and yellow patterned skirt? You're kidding me, right? ***

On the subject of shoes, this is a particularly sore point between me and your subjects. I have seen shoes that need to be polished, shoes with the toes curled up, and week after week after week, people who are wearing shoes that do not fit.

Today's model, for example. Even allowing for the fact that she has been silhouetted, her toes are clearly hanging over the ends of her shoes.**** They are too short. Or, judging by the way her arch is forward of the shoe's vamp, and her heel is nowhere near the end of the shoe, the shoes are too wide for her feet, or they have stretched, and her foot is sliding forward. In either case, they don't fit.

I'd love to see an article about how to get the proper fit and how to take care of your shoes. I ride Metrorail daily, and see immaculately dressed business men with scuffed brogues or run-down heels. I just want to tell them, "Polish your shoes!" I see women whose shoes have lost the heel tap, and the leather is peeling up from the heel. I see otherwise well dressed women wearing pants that are too long, and they are walking on the hems. Worse yet, I have seen women using staples or paperclips to alter their pants hem.

Maybe the fact that I grew up in a clothing store and learned how to fit shoes before I was a teenager has something to do with this obsession, but really. If you are going to feature people who are allegedly fashion plates, then, at least during their photo shoots, make sure their clothes fit and are in good repair.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

* Really. The subject was quoted as saying she can't live without her wrist watches because she "loves the demeanor they give." WTF? "demeanor"

** Again. Really. Her hair is done by a salon. Always, according to her, "I never wash my own hair." That is so wrong, on so many, many, many levels.

*** Oh, but not just a red blouse. A crimson, cropped-to-see-the-belly button, poet's shirt, with the ruffles at neck and wrist. She had paired it with a patchwork, asymmetrically hemmed silk handkerchief skirt (both designer and I think she said it was Cavalli) in a Pucci-esque print of ivory, ecru, yellow, black and possibly animal prints. And the pink shoes were bubble gum pink, very high heeled Dolce & Gabbanas (she said) that looked like old school Candies.

**** And not just hanging over the ends. I mean hanging off the ends like an old Don Martin cartoon, y'know? Two inches of folded over toes. (shudder)



(Gently edited to heighten the edges for ease of toe hanging discernment.)