Jungle Boogie

A caveat, if you will. Unlike the TWP folk, I don’t have TIVO. I recap more or less on the fly, taking notes as I watch the show live. I am surrounded, usually, by the RLA, my three attention-demanding pets and an assortment of Surrogate Daughters and their friends. There is usually alcohol involved, and food. Sometimes I don’t get things right, I only get my impressions. Deal with it, and if you feel the need to correct me in the comments, go right ahead. So, without further ado:

Korto opens the show reliving the glorious moment when she won immunity for this challenge. Daniel2.0 follows by reliving the not so glorious moment when he found himself in the bottom two, again. He vows that, as God is his witness, he’ll never go hungry again. Or end up in the bottom two. Way to curse yourself, dude. Don’t any of you people on reality shows actually watch reality shows? It’s called HUBRIS, and it goeth before a fall. Or an auffing. I’m just saying.

Model selection whizzes by as Korto foolishly keeps her model, and doesn’t steal Shannone. The week’s challenge will be to design an outfit for a glamorous, chic, high-powered professional woman. Stella assumes that would be Sharon Osborne. Sigh. But no, it is Brooke Shields, and they won’t be designing for her so much as for the character she plays on some Sex and the City knock-off that she’s in, Lipstick Jungle. Brooke is described as a fashion icon, author, model and actress. To me, though, she’ll always be the one who fought Tom Cruise over meds for post-partum depression… and won. To Suede, she is still the face/body of Calvin Klein jeans, and he loves her for that. I love the fact that Suede seems to have dropped the use of the third person. Brooke’s character is described as a Studio Executive, married to a musician and living a Bohemian lifestyle. Puh-leeze. Can you throw one more dramedy archetype in there? The ensemble should work as a day-into-night, office to cocktails look.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious says that he has friends who are exactly that, and he is “stoked” to be doing this challenge. Oompa-Loompa-Licious says that he has this one in the bag. (See HUBRIS, above) The designers are given half an hour to sketch, after which they will present their designs to Brooke. She will choose six team leaders, and they will pair up with the remaining designers to create the looks.

Jerell says that he really needs to listen to the challenge this week. And the sky is blue, and lemons are tart, and grass is green. Keith says some bullshit about a convertible sleeve. Kelli wants to design with an animal print because the show is Lipstick JUNGLE. Get it? Jungle? Animal prints? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ms. Obivous. Daniel2.0 is shown sketching and he can really draw. Not only is the design nice, but it actually looks like Brooke. Kiss of death, there, dude.

They present to Brooke in sequence: Suede is told to modernize his look. Kenley is selling a boat neck, and Brooke seems to like it. Terri is showing (another) pantsuit and Brooke loves the pants. Oompa-Loompa-Licious has a Bermuda short ensemble which is questionable, sort of like Oompa-Loompa-Licious. Daniel presents something and Keith presents something, and my notes say that Brooke likes the combination of textures in Daniel2.0’s work, but she may really have said that about Keith. Stella, in another quantum leap away from her usual crap, offers up a leather “cor-SET” (yes, she put the accent on the second syllable). Straight Joe goes by so fast that I can’t take a note. Korto has a palette of orange and lime green and Brooke says that’s perfect. Leanne offers up something that is comfy, yet impeccable? And Jerell shows khaki.

Before Brooke announces her team leaders, but not before they’ve seen sketches, she tells the designers that the winning look will be worn by her on the show next season. Since this is such a huge prize, there will be no immunity.

Terri, who refuses to play to her urban, inner-city stereotype, says “Oh, GURL, you don’t know what you just did.”

Keith is called first, and he gloats about it in an interview. I was FIRSTEST!!!! Then Korto, chosen for the ethnicity angle she spoke to Brooke about and which we didn’t see. Jerell, whose look was young and leggy, and Brooke’s got gams. Kelli is picked, but told to watch the use of the jungle print, that it shouldn’t be too obvious. Terri’s pants are perfect, and she was the only designer to feature pants. The last team leader is…. Oompa-Loompa-Licious. I know. We all groaned. Brooke says that she took a chance with Oompa-Loompa-Licious, and that she wants to see if he can be different without being too shockingly different. (She didn’t notice that he’s an orange little troll?)

To chose their partners, the six team leaders’ names are drawn at random from the velvet button bag. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is drawn first and takes for his partner Leanne. Keith takes Kenley, whom he says is too bossy and opinionated, but that if he can get her to shut up, she can sew. Terri picks Suede. Korto takes Straight Joe and Kelli, with some sadness, opts for Daniel2.0. She says that she loves Stella, but that Stella just couldn’t make what she, Kelli, is going for. Which leaves Stella to team up with Jerell. Jerell shows the most class of any of the designers this season when he says that he wanted Stella anyway, because he wants to use leather and he needs her skill set.

There’s a midnight deadline and a budget of $150 per team. Off to Mood, where Keith and Kenley are getting into it immediately over fabric choices. Kenley has glommed on to some nasty little floral print, and won’t let go. Tim comes over to see what the fuss is, and tells them to keep looking.

Daniel2.0 and Kelli are not happy with each other’s choices, either. Kelli is looking at turquoise/jade green with black lace over it and it looks like ass. When Daniel2.0 tries to tell her that, she shuts him up and he goes back to looking like a sad little puppy.

In the workroom, Jerell and Stella agree that they can both knock out a skirt in no time, and Jerell leaves that to Stella. Kenley is whining about Keith’s design and that she doesn’t like it. Kelli is unhappy with Daniel2.0’s sewing skills and is riding him like a wild stallion.

Suede and Terri are also having issues. Apparently Suede measures everything first and Terri just cuts. Suede has draped the top and there doesn’t seem to be enough fabric to make the skirt. Suede is not happy with Terri’s management skills. Terri is not happy with Suede. Terri says, and I quote “I don’t know what he’s packin’ there, ball or a va-jayjay, but he’s gotta man up.”  Well, alrighty, then. Way to play against type, GURL.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious claims that he’s crazy because both his parents were crazy, then they got divorced and married another set of crazy people. Crazy is in the blood. There’s therapy for that, Oomps.

Keith tells Kenley to redo something. Jerell is confident and Stella is hammering away at some chartreuse leatha. Tim arrives to give the designers a happy surprise: extra time to fit the models. Is this because we’ve seen that there are fitting issues ever frelling week this season, or just to be nice? Daniel2.0 and Kelli are still having problems and issues with D2.0’s sewing skills. The skirt he’s made is described as being half ruched, half not, the skirt itself is crooked and the zipper isn’t set right. It’s awful. Kelli is demanding that Daniel do it over. Daniel interviews passive-aggressively that yeah, the skirt is awful, but it’s also Kelli’s design and he doesn’t much care that it sucks. I feel you, Dannytwopointoh.

Terri and Suede are nose to nose, too. Terri keeps saying that the shirt Suede made is “all jacked up; that everything Suede touches is NOT gold.” Terri is ready to throw Suede under the bus, and the sooner the better. I am a little shocked to say that my sympathies are lying with Suede on this. Tim comes into this drama to check on the designers, and heads over to Oompa-Loompa-Liciousville, where the khaki Bermuda shorts are taking shape. He tells Oompa-Loompa-Licious that this is not going to work for evening, and it might even be a little too casual for business day. Oompa-Loompa-Licious tries to get Tim to say “holla atcha boy”, but Tim merely grimaces stiffly in a death-like rictus of a smile, and beats it out of the area.

Jerell and Stella have truly collaborated and the colors and shapes are terrific. The chartreuse waist cincher is paired with a not-too-obvious leopard print flowy skirt and a sort of forgettable top. To Kelli and Daniel2.0, Tim says that he’s dubious about the look. Well, the look is dubious, so that’s an appropriate response. As he comes to Suede and Terri (still looking daggers at each other) Tim asks why they are concerned with their piece. Terri asks for a reality check about the top that she thinks is so jacked. Tim loves it, so stick a sock in it, Terri. Keith and Kenley are showing a really nice skirt/blouse thing, so Tim rubs Kenley’s nose in her choice of that tacky fabric that she insisted they buy. She has to admit that she was wrong. It’s sweet. For us, the audience and Keith, but not so much for Kenley.

Korto and Joe have an orange dupioni silk tunic on their mannequin. It’s very over sized (kind of like everything else Korto does). Tim isn’t happy and Straight Joe agrees that it looks like a giant sweet potato. This sends Korto over the edge, and she and Straight Joe have to have a time out in the lounge to discuss why he didn’t tell her it sucked before Tim got there. She says that she wouldn’t let him walk into a bus, and that he should have defended his point of view.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious rubs his little orange hands together in glee and chortles over how awesome it’s going to be when he sees his look on the Lipstick Jungle… I’m going to win, my precious, he says.

Kelli and Daniel2.0 make a new skirt and the girls all get together and have a good laugh over the fact that they think that Daniel2.0 wouldn’t know high-end glamour if it sat on his lap and called him daddy. Then Jerell trashes Terri while wearing a stupid, twee and obnoxiously bright green (and too small, sitting on the side of his head) hat. Tim comes in and tells the designers to “appropriately” borrow from the BlueFly accessory rack. Hmmm, do you think somebody noticed how badly the designers are styling the models this year? They are styling themselves badly, too. Oompa-Loompa-Licious appears to be wearing a micro-vest. Leanne has on a huge, folded, pleated, asymmetrical collar that is attached to another mini-bolero thing. Jerell is wearing a white dress over his pants. Stella has on the jacket that matches her Dr. Suess on bad acid stripey leggings, but thankfully not the leggings. All in all, this is a motley crew.

On the runway, the models are not faring a whole lot better. Korto’s tunic has been belted and looks smart. Then the model takes off the tunic and there is a flesh-colored, strapless column dress with a wonky cut out in the back. It doesn’t fit. Anywhere. Kelli and Daniel2.0s ensemble is cut too short on the bustierre thing, so that there is belly showing between the top and the top of the plain skirt. It’s just awful on so many levels, especially the tacky leopard print with the tiny bra-cups of teal. Ick.

Jerell and Stella’s outfit is amazing. The skirt flows, the proportions are great, and the colors and patterns all work. They have put a zebra skin belt over the chartreuse waist-cincher, and it needs to come live in my closet. I know. I can’t believe it, either. Terri and Suede’s model looks like a giant inverted triangle. She’s wearing skin-tight pants, and a flow-y top with a super-wide, ruffled boat neck, and falls to a belted waist. It is reminiscent of the thing she did that won, except it doesn’t fit as well. Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ has made very low rise Bermudas, paired with a jersey top with some strappiness going on at the shoulder/neck/sleeve and a teal Forever 21 cotton top over it.

The teams of Jerell/Stella, Kelli/Daniel2.0, Keith/Kenley and Oompa-Loompa-Licious/Leanne are asked to stay, as they represent the best and the worst. The other designers (who?) are sent away, safe. For now. Brooke tells Jerell that his combination of textures and patterns is perfect. Michel Kors agrees that the silhouette is flirty, sexy and NOT cheap. Heidi loves it. I love it. The Surrogate daughters love it. The RLA loves it. Safe to say that it won’t win.

Brooke is horrified by Kelli’s design. “The shape is the truly unfortunate part,” she says. “It’s cheaper than I thought it would look.” And MK delivers a “slutty, slutty, slutty.” Heidi asks Kelli who should be auffed, should her team lose. Daniel.20, says Kelli without skipping a beat. Daniel2.0 is miffed, and says that he has impeccable, high-end taste, thankyouverymuch, and Kenley about pisses herself laughing out loud at him. What’s so funny,? asks Daniel2.0 with wounded dignity.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious is told that it was a leap of faith to make him the team leader, but that she, Brooke, liked how inspired he was, and how willing to take a chance. But this look is not appropriate for her character. Leanne is asked how she could have let Oompa-Loompa-Licious go so far wrong. Heidi says that the model looks like a woman who got dressed in the dark with no mirror. Schnort. And then, a miracle happens. Heidi asks the who should go question to Blayne, and he says that as a matter of integrity, he should, because he was the team leader. Well played, Oompa-Loompa-Licious.

The judges deliberate a little more, and agree that Jerell and Stella’s work was impeccable (the word of the night) and that they did a terrific job working together. Keith and Kenley made something inspired and sophisticated and completely appropriate for the show and the character. On the other hand, Daniel2.0 and Kelli did what Kelli liked. NinaGarcia is doubtful about either of them having taste. She points out that Daniel has yet to display the wonderful taste he keeps talking about. Of Oompa-Loompa-Licious, the consensus is that he’s a bratty little snot who didn’t listen, and that Leanne has lost her confidence. (And her mind, if you look at that neck warmer.)

Brooke announces Keith/Kenley the winners. Stella and Jerell come in second. Leanne and Daniel2.0 are safe. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is given a stern talking to and left in, and Kelli is sent home, but not before she delivers a sort of snotty exit interview.

Next week is the return of Chris March and the challenge to end all challenges: Dress a Drag Queen. Need I mention that my darling, dearest Paulie of the House of Gallofornia would win that with one hand tied behind his back and the other eating pie? I didn’t think so.