Kind of a Drag

Open on the boy’s room, where a yellow stickie note reads “too much drama” (and not enough talent, snarks Miz Shoes). A quick cut to the women’s dorm reveals that Korto is kind of peeved that Kelli went home and that (in her opinion) that talentless hack Daniel2.0 is still around. Joe does a quick interview in which he dismissed Keith’s design aesthetic as “swatches”. The claws are out tonight, and we haven’t even gotten to the first commercial.

On the Parson’s runway, Heidi hold the velvet button bag. The back-lit silhouette is immense, with a set of Texas longhorns coming out of the cone-shaped head. Suede sums it up with a succinct “What the FUCK?” All is revealed as a great cackling laugh precedes the person of Chris March, dressed in full Brunhilde drag. He’s wearing disco balls for boobs, and a helmet with the above mentioned horns. He’s as fabulous as ever, and he and Heidi attempt to hug, but are foiled by the disco tits.

Quick shot of Terri proclaiming that this is the challenge she’s been waiting for, as she loves herself some drag queens. Korto, on the other hand, is overwhelmed by the visual stimuli of same. And, yes, that is the challenge this week: to design a stage costume for a drag queen. Oh, but not just any old random, off-the-street drag queens, but the Queens of the NYC drag scene: Farrah Moans, Miss Understood, Sweetie, Luisa Verde, Hedda Lettuce, Sharon Needles, Le May, Annida Greenkard, Sherry Vine, Acid Betty and Varla Jean Merman.

As the winner of the previous challenge, Keith gets to choose first, and he goes with Sherry Vine, who describes herself as NY’s Hollywood Starlet. In quick procession the designers choose their muses: Daniel2.0/Annida Greenkard, because she’s dressed in a flamenco dress; Oompa-Loompa-Licious opts for Miss Understood, who is dressed in neon colors and besides, really, it’s just pretty obvious isn’t it?; Jerell/LeMay (because she isn’t into costume); Straight Joe/Varla Jean Merman who describes her style as classic Ann Margaret drunk on glamour; Korto/Sweetie, because she likes sugar; Suede says that Suede has a head of ocean, and therefore needs Hedda Lettuce; Leanne steals Stella’s most likely choice, Sharon Needles; Kenley scoops up Farrah Moans; Terri goes for the seven-foot tall Acid Betty and Stella is left with Luisa Verde.

Chris and Heidi leave the stage arm in arm, engaged in some painful banter about going out for German food, which Heidi suggests would be beer and pretzels. Tim reminds the designers that designing for a drag queen means theatrical and over the top. No color too gaudy, no amount of sequins too many, no way to be too costumey. Do they listen? Not so much. They will get a budget of $200 and two days to work. All of the finished items will be auctioned off to Broadway Cares-Equity Fights AIDS. The designers and drag queens get half an hour to brainstorm their creations, incorporating the DQ’s personas and the designers’ styles. Then it’s off to Mood, where we see feathers and sequins and sparkly stuff. Straight Joe admits that this is way out of his league, but he’ll just imagine himself designing Halloween costumes for his daughters. Lord, I hope he doesn’t send those little girls out looking like drag queens. They’re just little girls, for heaven’s sake.

Daniel2.0 claims that he’s going to make a Glamazon Flamenco Dancer/Couture ensemble. I hear the first tolling of the iron death bell. Stella drones nasally about Luisa wants to be a lady, but she, Stella, prefers slick. Kenley is delighted with Farrah Moan, and is planning an Old Hollywood va-va-voom. Tim comes in to remind the designers that they really need to showboat this challenge, because, you know, hello? DRAG QUEENS?! And the winner gets immunity, which leads to Keith pissing and moaning about how he won the last challenge and is very not happy that he didn’t win immunity. Is it just me, or is Keith turning into a whiney little bitch who thinks he’s Miss Thing and All That and totally entitled?

Joe’s DQ has left behind her bra and boobs and there is much hilarity as everyone plays with them and they discuss the challenge of turning a large male mannequin into an even larger female dress form. Korto complains about how this challenge is out of her comfort zone. Honey? We don’t care. That’s sort of the whole point of this whole damn show, isn’t it? Terri describes her 80s look of leggings and a kimono for Acid Betty. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is wandering around with pink stuff tied over his head like a neon scarecrow (maybe he’s hoping the color will run and replenish his tan) and licious this and licious that-ing about every one and every thing. We are treated to a montage of all the other designers being sick and tired of Oompa-Loompa-Licious and his liciousness. Stella calls him cute, but all he knows is Licious, what ever that is. Leanne says that if she has to hear it one more time, she’ll barf, or maybe that would be barf-licious. Good one, Leanne.

And we’re at Day Two. Jerell says that walking into the work room, there is no doubt that they are designing for drag queens. (It’s a hot tranny mess up in there.)There are sequins and feathers and glitter all over. Suede tells us that he had a vision of his dead grandfather, looking over his design and telling him, “Suede, you need some seeds.” From this epiphany comes little lettuce heads, which he sews up the sides of the lime green opera-length gloves. Keith is doing something with fringes. Keith’s definition of fringes is very broad, encompassing any old shred or swatch of fabric he sticks down on a garment. He called last week’s skirt fringed, and it was scales/petals of chiffon. What ever. The other designers are as over his “fringes” and “swatches” as they are of Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ little verbal tic.

The queens come in for fittings and adjustments. They are not in drag, and none of the designers recognize these drab men as their fabulous muses. Only Hedda Lettuce keeps the persona going when out of costume. She’s fierce. Korto has made sort of a jester collar in flame colors and a huge strap-on (OH, get your minds out of the gutter, people) overskirt for Sweetie. Sweetie loves it, but I think it looks a bit like a sequined tomato on steroids. I do love the collar, though. Speaking of collars, Jerell is having issues with LeMay, who isn’t too keen on the deeply ruffled portrait collar he’s constructed. Straight Joe and Varla Jean look at the hot pink, sequined jump suit, and Varla says that it’s a little too Elvis. Maybe, she says, as she smoothes down her collar, we could make it a little more sailory? And the Miss Ann-Margret does the Love Boat look is born.

Hedda Lettuce is raggin’ on Suede, who is wearing an unfortunate pirate striped do-rag. She’s feeling a leetle Godzilla-ish she says, as she pulls on the lettuce covered gloves. And then she asks if Suede made gloves instead of sleeves cause he’s a lazy sack of shit. Suede is not happy with this line of questioning, and rightly flounces off in a huff.

With a mere six hours to go, Tim bring in Chris March to review and critique the designer’s work. Korto explains that her concept was “a woman in heat” and it certainly is. Oompa-Loompa-Licious has made something neon (again) with big, but not big enough, cone-shaped shoulder pads? wings? appendages? on the back that trail streamers. Tim tells him that it looks like a Pterodactyl from a gay Jurassic Park, and Oompa-Loompa-Licious gets all twitterpated and squeals that Tim has given him the greatest compliment, ever. Uh, no. No, he hasn’t you little orange troll, and even though you scored points with me last week, you have already lost them and dug further into my pit of contempt with your shenanigans this week.

Straight Joe has totally understood Varla’s persona and Chris and Tim are charmed. Suede tells them about how Hedda was such a bitch to him, and they tell Suede not to let her get away with that behavior. Tell her to wear it and work it, baby. And PS? That outfit is way cool, and she’d better work it for you. Keith’s pile of grey, white and black shreds is awful, and there isn’t a lot Tim or Chris can say. Daniel2.0 has made a pretty prom dress which has nothing to do with drag. Tim tells him to step up the drag and drama, and Daniel2.0 ignores him. Ask not for whom the bell tolls, Daniel2.0, it is tolling for thee. Oompa-Loompa-Licious, in an astonishing flash of insight, interviews that Daniel2.0 has made an evening gown, and a plain one at that, and not a drag queen’s costume. Jerell says something random about having to sell his dress like vacuums door to door.

The girls come in for the show, and hair and make up, which they don’t really need. Keith and Stella argue about the fringes and whether or not they need to be trimmed. Suede takes Hedda out to the tool shed and explains how he’s not happy with Hedda’s diva act, and how she needs to work this on the runway. Hedda, who is flawless, apologizes and all is sunshine and bunnies on team Suede Lettuce. Stella’s model says that she looks like Liz outa rehab, but I think she’s leaning a little toward Liza, myself. Also outa rehab. Stella, with an amazing lack of irony, claims that “these broads (referring to the drag queens) aren’t classy.” As we head into commercials, the quiz of the day is “who would you rather see in drag, Tim or Michael Kors?” The unanimous answer at Casa des Zapatos is Michael, although we suspect that he may not be a stranger to it.

Finally, we get to the runway. Heidi is in something short, shiny and tight. The guest judge is RuPaul, who is looking rode hard and put up wet. I have a dislike for RuPaul that goes back to her being vulgar and mean to Uncle Milty at the end of Berle’s life, and also to her being a bitch one year at White Party, so just maybe RuPaul isn’t aging as badly as I think. Or she is. On with the show.

Kenley’s dress is a silver, sequined column with an enormous portrait collar of black and white ostrich feathers. I think I’ve seen Carol Channing in this, wearing it with no irony whatsoever. Meh.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ model’s wings are drooping sadly. Oompa-Loompa-Licious says he doesn’t want the judges to think it was poorly made. It was. Varla Jean comes out in her hot pink pantsuit and works the runway and her outfit to within an inch of both their lives. She’s magnificent. Stella sends out another leatherette and plaid Vivienne Westwood homage. Ho-fucking-hum.

Hedda Lettuce does herself and Suede proud in her little green dress with the overjacket and gloves. She gives it her all, and everyone is happy. Daniel2.0’s Anneda Greenkard does her best, but it’s all hair and nothing else. Boring, boring, boring. And we never want to bore NinaGarcia. Terri’s Kabuki Samurai is AMAZING! The hair and make-up are perfect, the kimono and thigh-high boots with a red patent leather corselette/obi are fierce. The look is frightening and fabulous. The boots have been modified so that they are not identical. Acid Betty works it.

Jerell’s dress is weak, and Stella Needles isn’t feeling it. Sweetie, however, is feeling it, and she works that spangled tomato to death. She pulls off the overskirt and flashes her gams. Keith’s limp pile of “fringe” looks (HE says) like Tina Turner. Defensively, he adds, “Yeah, I used fringe again. So what? It’s totally different.” The last look is Leanne’s Jetsons-inspired mini. It’s all full of spiky folds and angles. It’s pretty damn cool.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious, Kenley, Suede, Stella and Leanne are sent away, safe for another week. Korto, Terri, Daniel2.0, Straight Joe, Keith and Jerell are the best and the worst, and stick around on the runway, waiting for the final tolling of the bell.

Terri’s design is loved to death by all. It’s Gene Simmons/Dianna Ross. Michael Kors says that he needs the boots. Told you he was a big old tranny. RuPaul loves the look.

Keith claims that his look is Sex Kitten. Heidi says it’s messy and Keith replies that rock and roll is messy. RuPaul asks “And did the dingos eat your baby? because you are all full of excuses.” Michael says that it doesn’t look like rock and roll, it looks like a “sad, molting gray chicken.” Michael Kors is brilliant. I want to go hang out and drink with him. And are the designers getting mouthier with the judges, or is it just editing? I remember rumors of Santino making NinaGarcia cry.

Jerell gets no love from the judges, either. RuPaul says that the proportions are wrong, and MK says that it looks a little bit Thoroughly Modern Millie Under The Sea, with a side of my auntie would have worn that to a bar mitzvah. Surrogate Daughter Number 3 suggests that MK is getting more Jewish every week. Korto, however, is lauded for her work with Sweetie. RuPaul loves the flattering shape. MK says that it gives Sweetie a Heidi Klum body, and he hears Victoria’s Secret calling. Sweetie squeezes the girls and sighs, oh, if ONLY they made a 44D.

Daniel2.0 is asked by NinaGarcia why, for the love of G-d did you NOT use sequins? And Daniel2.0 says that doing so would have made him vomit. I think that’s the final tolling of the bell, there, sport. The judges all howl that his work was too normal. They say “normal” like it’s a bad thing, which, when designing duds for drag queens, it totally is.

The judges deliberate, and it isn’t interesting enough to repeat. The results of the poll say that 54% of the respondents would rather see Tim Gunn in drag. The Surrogate Daughter and I agree that he could probably rock a drag Mary Poppins. Or the banker’s secretary from the Beverly Hillbillies.

Terri is in (and none to happy with coming in second). Damn, that’s a puss face. Straight Joe wins!!! As well he should. Varla sold that outfit and it fit her like a glove. She tee-hees, and oh, yous the judges and flutters her false eyelashes. Straight Joe gets immunity for next week. He goes to the back and sits next to Terri, who glares daggers at him, and you know that she just wants to cut a bitch. Korto and Jerell are in. Daniel2.0 and Keith are on the bottom. Daniel2.0 is taken to task for not listening, and not delivering anything but excuses. Keith is told his work is random, unpolished and getting old. Keith is left in to bore Nina another week, and Daniel2.0 and his impeccable taste get to pack up their pins and needles and go home. Good-bye, Danny boy. You were never as interesting as Daniel Franco, anyway.

Next week, the designers work with auto parts or something and Laura Bennett is our guest judge. Whee!