Little Deuce Coupe

Well, fresh off the drag show, what could the Powers That Be at Project Runway give us that could be any better or even as good? We’ll find out soon enough. Open on a yellow/green Manhattan newsstand, with a shot of Elle Magazine. One of the Olsen trolls is on the cover. Yawn.

Kenley interviews that Daniel2.0 was her bestest friend among the designers and she’s sorry that he’s gone. Keith interviews that he doesn’t know how to behave being in the bottom two. (Miz Shoes says that Keith could have ended that sentence five words earlier.) Keith wants to change the way the world dresses. Keith has delusions.

We quickly get to model selection and Straight Joe wants to keep peace in the model world, so he keeps Carpacio/Topogigio. Jermaine and Elana go home. Heidi tells the designers that they will find their next challenge on the roof of 142 W. 31st Street. The designers sit there and wait for more information. What they get is a Teutonic MACH SCHNELL!!!

As they walk, the designers speculate. What crazy superstar will they be designing for? What crazy rooftop style? says Oompa-Loompa-Licious. (Hint to RJ, you don’t have to type his name every time, just do a copy and paste. That’s what I do.) Korto thinks that maybe they are going to Mariah’s penthouse. On West 31st? What crack are you smokin’, woman? The building turns out to be a parking garage, and this leads the designers to think that they are going to a party. I know that’s what I think every time I walk into a parking garage. I think PAR-TAY!!!! Or not. I’m just sayin’. The big-ass industrial elevator scares them all. What a fucking bunch of panty waists this group is. God. You know who wouldn’t have been scared by an elevator? My dearest, darling friend Paulie of the House of Gallofornia, that’s who. And no, I’m not letting it go.

Up on the roof is a line of Saturn hybrids, Tim Gunn and Chris Webb, who is introduced as the lead color designer for Saturn. They plug the Vue and tell us that 85% of the materials used in manufacturing the vehicle are recyclable, and since the designers all sucked using unconventional materials from Gristede’s in the first challenge, they are getting a do-over this week, using the raw materials from Saturn. They have 4 minutes and a push cart to do their best to strip the materials they can use from the cars. And as interesting as it would have been to give them crowbars and torches, all they have to do is open the cars and piles of raw material falls out. They scramble, except for Stella, who monotones nasally that it is embarrassing to rush around, and she isn’t moving. She is also less than inspired by ALL THE FUCKING PILES OF LEATHER. God. The woman is just never satisfied. All she wants to work in is leather, so when she gets it, she complains.

Terri is having a panic attack, and Kenley is bitching that these are things you make cars from, not clothes. No, I don’t know what her point was. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is snatching up seat belts. Straight Joe reminds us that he is from the Motor City and that he is straight, and that he has immunity and therefore, he is loving this challenge.

Jerell has taken a pile of dashboard decals, the cutouts that detail the intrument panels. Baroo? Suede uses the “word” whackadoodle, but does not refer to himself in the third person. It’s still not helping with his curb appeal, if you know what I mean. Leanne admits that she is clueless.

Back at Parsons, Tim tells the designers that they have till midnight and the winner will get immunity. Tim reminds them that the key to winning this challenge will be innovation. He exhorts them to have fun. Korto is clueless. Straight Joe is still into it, and has a carburetor. That’s … interesting. Keith continues to bitch and moan about how the judges have no appreciation of his fabulous designs and that he’s getting tired of sending out this magnificent work only to have the judges ignore him. Keith considers himself to be a pretty special snowflake, doesn’t he?

Suede goes back to referring to himself in the third person AND uses “whackadoodle” AGAIN. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Suede. Stella pouts and decides that using leather would be too predictable for her, so rather than do something fabulous and amazing and true to her vision and skill set, she decides to make something “pretty”. Judging by how she dresses herself and how she works her hair and makeup, I’m guessing that Stella and I would have very different definitions of pretty. We’ll see. Suede talks about some more dead relatives. Getting as old as the use of whackadoodle, there, sport.

Keith has stopped whining long enough to design a pencil skirt, although I would debate whether design is the right word when speaking of a straight skirt. I mean, it’s a straight skirt. And tight. That’s sort of the definition of a pencil skirt. There is nothing to design. Cut a pattern for, drape, maybe. Design? Not so much.

Korto is weaving the seatbelts into a heavy fabric, and she is going for an everyday coat. Kenley is sneering at the other designers who are using seatbelts. She claims that she is being innovative because she’s using a magic marker to draw a zebra pattern on the air-filters that she’s using to make a peplum. Didn’t Kelli do that with bleach and coffee stains on the vacuum cleaner bags in the first challenge? Oh. Sorry. Persistence of memory is a bitch. Sort of like Kenley.

The industrial sewing machines in the Parson’s workroom are having a hard time on the truly industrial materials, and tension is going off, threads and needles are breaking. Oompa-Loompa-Licious decides to sew by hand. He’s making a princess line dress out of the seatbelts. It actually looks like a dress. And it actually looks sort of nice. Huh? Does Oompa-Loompa-Licious actually have some design chops?

Jerell says that the other designers are having problems, but he’s just whistlin’ Dixie. I’ll let RJ speak to that issue.

Stella has ripped open a headrest cover and is calling it a helmet. She says she’s going to use it on her model for the runway. She says it looks like Planet of the Apes. She sticks it on Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ head, and he does a pretty good Darth Vader “LUKE, I’m your father.” Despite myself, I find him cute and funny at that moment. The Number Three Surrogate Daughter and the RLA both rush to slap me back to consciousness.

Tim comes in with the models for fitting, and tells Kenley that her model, Shannone, had to drop out, and that she’s being replaced by Germaine. Kenley pitches a fit, and whines at a level that would do Keith proud. Kenley claims that Shannone bailed on her and Jerell (it’s off camera, but I think it was Jerell) says that Shannone probably got a real job that paid real money, and that it is hard to be a model in New York. Kenley sympathizes with that and says she was sorry for being such a self-involved bitch. Actually, she doesn’t. She says that this is all about her and she has a right to be pissed if she wants to be.

Tim does his turn around the workroom. Oompa-Loompa-Licious says “Hi, Timlicious” and Tim looks like he has a toothache. He is as surprised at what Oompa-Loompa-Licious is working on as we are. Jerell has taken the car seat leather, but turned it inside out so that he’s working with the rough, suede side. He’s using the decals and lining them with black leather. It’s sharp.

Korto has made a swing coat. Tim tells her not to loose the 60’s mod sophistication. Leanne’s is well-executed and has a very daring silhouette. She has taken bits of either seat belt, or fabric seat cover, made tiny swatches and frayed the edges to create an eyelash fringe. It’s pretty amazing (ahem, KEITH). Speaking of whom, Tim visits him next and is bored senseless by Keith’s whining and blahblahblah, clean look. Tim escapes the workroom with a final word of advice: “Don’t lose your trajectory.”

Terri interviews that Korto’s sleeves are awful and that Korto’s work is awful and that it looks like some horror movie or another and cracks herself up to the point that she’s rolling around on the ground. Jerell says that “Terri’s got two faces and four patterns. Don’t trust the bitch.” Well said, Jerell. And, sting. In the sewing room, Keith is being a pissy little bitch to all and sundry, enough so that the other designers opine about his ability to handle stress. And it’s night. Cut to the Atlas/Gotham, where ever the hell they live these days.

Stella is talking to her boyfriend Ratbones. Rat. Bones. Yeah, I know. I can’t. I’m just gonna let that one lie where Jesus flung it.

Morning of the show, and Korto says that if she’s called in the bottom three, then it is on. She is not going without a fight. But with whom would she fight? Would she pull off Terri’s rat weave? Would she kick Heidi in the knee? Slap the orange right off of Michael Kors? Have a throw down with NinaGarcia? This could be fun, except that I like Korto and don’t want her gone, just yet.

Tim comes to the work room and tells the designers to work like there’s no tomorrow, because you know, for one of you there won’t be. Nice. I think that Tim’s over this group, too. Keith’s got some major fitting issues with his model and tells her not to sit down. Then she heads off to hair and make up. And comes back with ten minutes to show time. She has, in fact, had to sit for the stylists, and Keith just unravels. I ask her to do one simple thing, he shrieks, and she can’t even do that. Well, you know, if you are 6 feet tall, it is a little difficult for someone to do your hair if you are standing up. Think about it, do-rag boy. Stella is back in her Dr. Suess on bad acid leggings. Please make them go away. 

The Bravo poll is who would you rather hop in the back seat with: Oompa-Loompa-Licious or Kenley or all of the designers. The consensus in the Casita de Zapattos is that there should be a none of the above, or death option. The smug, naked bitch is still naked and advertising BlueFly. Come on, buy something already, skank.

On the runway, Heidi is wearing a short, shiny and tight little dress by Rami of the Heavenly Arms. We have two guest judges today. Sitting in for NinaGarcia is my old favorite Laura Bennett, who is still fabulous, and who was robbed. That grey and chartreuse gown still needs to be hanging in my closet. Our other guest judge is Hollywood stylist to the stars Rachel Zoe, the woman who single-handedly made most startlets orange and carry a handbag larger than Tom Cruise.

Jerell’s look starts the show, and the hair and makeup folks have taken his futuristic look and run with it. She looks amazing, and the cutouts and decals and suede have combined into a nice little dress, very modern and wearable.

Keith’s halter top and pencil skirt don’t even deserve this many pixels. Terri has made…wait for it…. tight pants! (that would be pattern number 1, eh, Jerell). Kenley’s design is a black leather halter top with an air filter peplum over a pencil skirt. Leanne has made a bubble skirt? A skirt with hip bustles? A very daring and exaggerated shape, and a tight bustiere with that seatbelt fringe along the sweetheart neckline. HOTT!

Suede has made a bustiere from the floor mats, and a short, silver fringed skirt from the sun shields. It actually looks like something Keith would have made, if Keith could make an actual fringe as opposed to swatches. Korto’s coat looks amazing. I don’t know how much steam she used to make it flexible, but it looks like a million dollars walking down the catwalk. Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ dress fits like crap, which is unfortunate, because for the first time in this competition I can actually see what he was attempting. He’s shattered a rear-view mirror to make spangles, which he’s applied to the neckline. The princess seaming could have been attractive and stylish, but it doesn’t fit the model, and as she moves, the gaps and fitting issues move with her, now gaping in the arm pit, now bunching at the breast. Straight Joe has produced a sort of motocross dress and done some color blocking. He’s the only one to have found red leather, and he’s used the part that says “VUE” as a sort of breastplate. It’s a very clean, very automotive look, and I can absolutely see this at an auto show, on the salesgirls as they stand on a revolving platform pitching the new model year offerings. I was right. Stella and I do not have the same idea as to what constitutes pretty. She’s made a mummy wrap/pencil skirt and topped it with one of her usual racer-back leather vests. Ho-fucking-hum.

Terri, Suede, Straight Joe and Kenley leave the runway, safe for another week. Oompa-Loompa-Licious, Jerell, Keith, Korto and Leanne wait for the axe to fall on one of their dreams.

Jerell’s futuristic look with the resin molding is hailed by Rachel Zoe for his tailoring, and his styling is loved by Michael. Heidi thinks it’s wearable.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious is called out for his fit by Laura (who would know about fit and evening gowns). Michale hates the carwash hem, and Rachel says the whole thing is the wrong length.

Korto is lucky that Rachel, Laura and Heidi don’t rush the stage and engage in a little hair-pulling over who gets to take the coat home. They all want it. Even Michael says that it has great, restrained drama. And it does. And not to be a nay-sayer here, but it also has the same damn, oversized silhouette that she always shows. Which is nice the first four or five times you see it, but is starting to get stale.

Leanne has the judges in fits over her innovative and risky look. Words like “chic” “interesting” “FAB-ulous” “well-crafted” and “beautiful” are tossed at her like confetti. Remember Thing 2 or Thing 1 who used to say that she was all Holly Golightly meets Salvador Dali? and who was as boring as dry dust? Yeah. Bitch. THIS is what goes with that description, not the crap you were putting out.

And then there’s

Maude

Keith. He starts by saying that he didn’t want it to look like car parts. Rachel notices that there is a big hole in the back of the skirt. Was it intentional or bad sewing? Laura says that there doesn’t seem to be a concept anywhere. Keith says “You should have seen my other designs.” Laura gapes, smiles politely, if somewhat frozenly, and says “Excuse me?” Keith takes the opportunity to rage against the machine. He’s been sending amazing work down the runway, and nobody has appreciated it. His model sat down. Michael Kors is a mean old meany. “There’s criticism and then there’s insult,” Keith grouses, “and last week I was told my dress looked like a chicken.” Michael tells him to put on his big-boy panties and sack up, ho.

The poll results are back and a full 37% of voters want to hop in the back seat with all of the designers. Presumably because they can stuff them into the trunk if they fold down the seat? The judges deliberate and Heidi, Rachel and Laura do a quick rock, paper, scissors to determine who gets Korto’s trench coat. Then the producers tell them that it’s the property of the show and to get on with the voting, already.

Jerell is in. Korto is in. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is in. Leanne is the winner. Pretty good for the drab little girl who said she was clueless as she looked at her materials. This leaves Stella and Keith in the bottom two. Stella’s look was boring, too simple and disconnected. Keith had a chance to be innovative, but he was boring. And he blamed the model and the judges for his failure. And he was a pissy little bitch. Keith is sent back to Salt Lake City. Keith cries like a baby and says that his biggest disappointment (other than going back to SLC) is that he’s being sent home for something that wasn’t even his vision. Really? Did SATAN put it in your head? Did SATAN make you sew that crap? No? Then I guess it was yours. Own it, you big baby. And p.s., loose the bandana head bands. Really. You’ll thank me one day.

Next week, legendary designer Diane Von Furstenberg, the woman who invented the wrap dress, comes to torture the designers. It could be fun. Or it could be as exciting as a freaking wrap dress.