Miz Shoes Reviews: ANTM

Last night the most amazing thing happened: the RLA watched the show with me. It took a while for him to figure out the players, because he said they all looked the same. That said, he was quick to pick up the following: Renee is a beeyotch. Jael is peculiar. Saying “Just cuz” to Mr. Jay is going to get you sent packing.

Another day dawns with mist on the swimming pool at the House O Hamsters in the LA hills. And that, dear readers, is why the swimming pool in Spain was icy: they were saving budget dollars for this year’s pool heating to get that mist to rise.

We open with Renee getting all up in Whitney’s face, asking her with “sweet” sincerity if she (Whitney) really truly believes that a fat girl will ever grace the cover of Vogue. ‘Cause, you know, rilly she just wants Whitney to face reality and not get all bummed out and all. She’s just asking. Whitney shows that she’s the real deal classy babe by not punching Renee’s skank ass out. Diana wanders in and gets pissed off for both of the fat girls.

A sidebar, if you will: please remember that by “fat girls” we are talking about women who are NORMAL by all other standards; they wear size 10s, not XXXXLs. OK?

After seeing the girls in some of their own clothes at judging, the PTB have decided that this is the week to give them lessons on style. Thankfully, we no longer has arbitrary assignments of personal style that they will have to learn it live it love it. Just, you know, a little bit less skank.

In what is my favorite scene to date, the girls are dressed up and asked to evaluate their looks to the head of Elite Models and one of her real working girls.

No crickets chirp, but they all gamely announce that they luv-luv-luv what ever the hell has been thrown on them. HAH! Fooled you! These are all TERRIBLE Fashion Mistakes. Natasha explains to Miss Elite Models that they all said they liked the clothes because as working models, you have to believe in what ever is tossed on your back. (Like her. By her mail-order groom. And please, if there is a God, do not show any more footage of her talking on the phone with him and playing sex games involving meowing. It just skeeved me out. But then, all the hamsters, once they wrapped their collective mind around it are a little skeeved by that marriage. Of course, some of the hamsters are less skeeved than just bitchy gossips, WHITNEY! But I digress)

There is a little round of clothing swappage, and the girls now look less awful. Except for Diana, who really, really, really needs to put on a little lipstick and wash her hair now and then.

After they learn about Bauhaus art theory as it relates to the fashion industry (Less is Still More, hos.) they are sent off to their challenge. In a warehouse somewhere, they find lots and lots of high fashion clothing from Sears, three platforms and two male mannequins. Renee thinks that they are terribly life-like, and they may very well be. Since they are actually two male models. They said they were identical twins, but either one of them was wearing lifts, or they weren’t all that identical, because boyfriend on the left was a couple inches taller.

The challenge consisted of getting separated into teams, and nobody was at all happy with their team or their team members. Each team had a few minutes to put together three looks (that had to work separately and together as a group), some props, and pose on the platforms. Dionne the Dentist used to work in retail, so she pulled the looks together for her teammates Renee and Sara. Natasha, Jael and Whitney called their look Afrodity’s something or others and when the twins pointed out that the hamsters has spelled Aphrodite wrong, Natasha stepped up to the plate and explained that when you make up a name you can spell it any way you want so there. Phhhhhtt.

The final team was composed of Diana, Jaslene and whoever I can’t remember and needs to go home. Right! Brittney! Brittney and her ratty weave that looks worse each week.

The prize this week will go first to the group who does the best, and then to the individual girl. The prize is getting to take all your challenge photos, then review them with Mr. Jay, and then re-shoot. I have to say, that’s a fucking GREAT prize. PS: If you aren’t in place when the boys say time, you will be disqualified. You know it. Someone isn’t on point. Want to guess who?

The winning team is determined to be Jael, Natasha and Whitney, except for the fact that they weren’t on their posing platform when the boys said time. Natasha, who really, really stepped up her game this week, was all but yanking Whitney up to the platform by her arm. Maybe if girlfriend was one of those anorexic hos, she could have pulled her into place. But she isn’t and she couldn’t and so Whitney, who would have been the Number One girl two weeks in a row became just another also ran.

That meant the second runners up were the winners. Sara, Dionne and Renee were the winners. Sara was chosen as the best of the three and won the prize. And, OH. MY. GOD. the stink face that Dionne put out was astonishing. Renee, of course, opined that she was the best, yadayadayada, and should have won something or another, because after all, she was the one who picked the accessories for Sara. Dionne, though, she picked out the outfits, and so Sara shouldn’t have won dick. Boy-howdee, were those two girls miffed. Big time. Dionne wore a puss for the rest of the show.

The other three? Chopped liver.

The photo shoot this week was the season’s gender bender, where the girls (and Jaslene) had to dress as boys. The twist, and it was funny… OK, I know I keep saying that this show has jumped the shark, but I gotta admit, this is the best season yet. The shoots are good, Mr. Jay is adorable, and Miss Jay is out of the picture most of the time (except during judging when he’s wearing that ever-growing clown ruffle). But I digress. The twist. The twist is that they are going to pose as men, with women. The women in question are drag queens. That’s right, throw those little cluesless hamsters to the she-wolves, and see who can keep the camera focused on them.

Jael was cast as a boho, and really had a great time and threw around a lot of poses. Dionne had to be a powersuit. Whitney was a f(r)at boy. Britney was a redneck (best quote: Hi. I kill things). Sara was a glam rocker and totally channeled David Bowie. Jaslene was one half of a pair of chaty-yachtys and Diana was a red-carpet star (HAH!-not. She looked stiffer than the giant paper mache Oscars) Renee was a rocker… but she was no Brian Setzer. The star of the shoot was, no kidding, Natasha. She had to be a hip-hop guy, and she even made her own grill out of chewing gum foil. Insert Soviet Union joke here. It was awesome. She was chillin like a villain. She was down wit it, dawgs. She was stylin’.

Jay said something inane like, no wonder the Russians take home all the gold at the Olympics. She’s competing. She brought her A-game. While he was trying to get something, anything out of Diana, Mr. Jay asked her why she was there. Her depthful reply: “Just cuz.” That’s when the RLA said: she’s history, and in the next scene, at judging, she was.

When it finally came down to Whitney and Diana, and Diana got sent home, Jael ran over and jumped on her, throwing her legs around Diana’s waist. It was awesome. I love me some Jael.

Next week, Jael finally bitch slaps Renee. Is life great?

Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 03/29 at 02:03 PM in ANTM

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