Miz Shoes Reviews: ANTM

It is the end of the line for the bitches and the hos. The final three are Eugena of the dismal personality and bad skin, Everybody Hates Melrose and CariDeeMented. It just doesn't get any lamer better than that, does it? Well, yes it does. In order to coach the girls on their Covergirl shoot, we have a "real" covergirl come to visit. Is it Heidi Klum? Is it Tyrant? Is it anyone you've ever seen on a cover of anything? No. It is last year's winner, Dani(elle). I loved Danielle or else I'd say that this is not only self-referential, but just pathetic.

We have our Covergirl commercial and our final runway show. They all blow chunks in the commercial, which is somehow cobbled together to make something watchable, if not memorable or good. CariDeeMented's eyes dart left and right throughout her shoot. Melrose has a big-ass smile. Eugena tries (and fails) not to have dead eyes and a deadlier persona.

Then we shoot stills. There is some foreshadowing when the photographer gives high fives to Melrose and CariDeeMented and wishes Eugena good luck.
Unfortunately for Eugena, the good luck wishes aren't enough to keep her going to the final two, despite all the footage we get of her and CariDeeMented snuggling with each other and whispering how much they want it to be just the two of them in the finals.

CariDee and Eugena cry in each others arms when Eugena is sent away. CariDeeMented murmmurs sweetly to Eugena that she'll "bring this home for you, baby." and sweet tap dancing Jesus I wish I was making that up. But I'm not. Didn't CariDee have a boyfriend at the beginning of this show? Before she nailed Dennis Quaid, the random Spanish model guy and anything else that showed up available during shooting.

Anyway, now that Eugena is out of the way, we are treated or subjected (take your pick) to the Battle of the Blondes. Eugena opines that a "natural" blonde should win. I'm not going to venture down that road of how she knows, but I will point out that it wasn't Melrose's choice to go blonde.

The runway show is another freakfest. It takes place after dark in an Antonio Gaudi building. The theme is Bride of Dracula. Each trot down the runway gets darker and freakydeakier until the girls are running and shrieking (but still looking fierce and fabulous) down the passageway lit by candles.

Melrose-the-Loathed absolutely rocks the runway. She is fierce, she is beautiful, she can walk, she never loses sight of the fact that she is modeling clothes. She twirls, she stomps, she gives CariDeeMented a serious up and down stink eye when they are supposed to dis each other in passing. She uses her flamenco lessons to her advantage as she brings up her arms. She is amazing, even in white face. She is amazing even after CariDeeMented (maybe) accidentally rips Melrose's train to shreds. She still whips that fabric around and works it.

All of a sudden Miss Jay gets up out of the front row and disappears. Is he going to tell Melrose to get a grip and ignore the hateful little CariDeeMented's antics? We wish. He is off to join the runway show and drag queen along in a black bride of Blacula wedding dress, showing the girls how to camp it up for the final pass.

Melrose is perfect. CariDeeMented is perfectly deranged. She flails around. She makes really ugly, contorted faces. She bunches up the wedding dress so high and so tight we almost see her lady bits (and wouldn't THAT be special). She shrieks, she camps, she's awful.

Final judging. There is some talk about how all the girls hate Melrose and Tyra says maybe they hate her because she's just that good. Nigel mouths some bullshit about how Melrose is perfect, but only because she's a perfectionist and works too hard at it and maybe isn't a natural talent. He disses her for her know-it-all aspect.

Mr. Jay shows that he's got cojones, after all and points out (quite rightly) that what Nigel is dissing Melrose for is exactly what they are constantly bitching at the rest of the girls for NOT having: a personality, a clue about personal style, a working and pretty comprehensive knowledge of the fashion industry and a ferocious work ethic.

She's toast.

Despite the fact that she is just batshit crazy, despite the fact that she asked Nigel if the giant stick he was holding came out of his ass after a previous judging, despite the fact that all of the judges acknowledged that her runway walk was a disaster of horrorific proportions, CariDeeMented was crowned America's Next Top Model. Proving that she is NOT all that, and did NOT deserve to win, she tries to use Danielle's patented Mommy, I'm a Covergirl line. It doesn't work.

Cut to Melrose crying and saying she was robbed (which she was). Fade to black. Has the show finally jumped the shark?

Between this and Jeffrey-the-Pinheaded-Shmoo winning Project Runway, I think I have finally had my fill of "reality" teevee. In the immortal words of my grandpa: "Feh."