Miz Shoes Reviews: ANTM Season 10, Epi 11

We open with a lovely montage of Rome and highlights (or lowlifes) of our time there with the bitches and the hos, and end in the limo with the final four. Big Whitney is all twitterpated because she’s been in the bottom two twice now, and usually the second time means an exit interview. She is both stunned and relieved to find herself still here and Katarzyna gone.

Anya is riding high on her multiple challenge wins and assures us that she is not worried, and knows that she “brings it” on set. Brings what, she does not say. Coffee for the crew, perhaps? Donuts for Mr. Jay? Back in Ca Trya, the artwork on the walls has been switched to all Salacious D, all the time. Perhaps to remind us who won last year? Or perhaps to give Dominique-inique-inique the segue to this monologue: “I knew as soon as I laid eyes on her last year that she’d be the winner. She had it all. I’m the Salacious D of this season.” Uh, no. Unless you mean saddled with an unfortunate make-over. In any event, Dominique-inique-inique says she has a headache (She says that a lot. Maybe she actually listens to herself talk, because she sure gives me a headache.) and wanders out of the room. The other three take the opportunity to play the how-do-we-dislike-Dominique-inique-inique? Let-us-count-the-ways game. She’s a tranny. She’s a know it all. She’s delusional. She’s a secret eater. She eats off other people’s plates. She eats candy in bed in the middle of the night. She’s annoying. She also thinks that she is the most improved “girl” in the house. Well, if by that you mean…no. There is no way that can be true under any circumstances.

Next we have Fatima confessionalizing her own mission on this planet, which is to win this competition. To which I say, meh. If I were you, my first mission would be to find a dermatologist and follow her instructions to the letter. And bringing up the rear of the praise be to me train in Anya, who says she is so impressed with herself and her multiple wins. And I’m either getting used to her weird ass speech impediment, or she’s secretly been practicing her elocution, because I understood what she said. Not, of course, why she would say it, but what she said.

Finally and at last, the long dark night of the soulless models is over and we come to the next morning and Tyra Lisa mail. “Take a picture, maybe you’ll last longer.” Hmm. Sort of the whole plot of the series, right there in seven words. The hamsters squeal, a little half-heartedly and haven’t a clue as to what this might mean. Katarzya was the brains, wasn’t she? Off we go to a park. Trees. Grass. Paulina. Paulina posing for photographer Francecso Licata. His job today will be to teach the girls (and Dominique-inique-inique) how to take shoot with an SLR. Paulina says that this knowledge of photography can be helpful when one is on the other side of the lens. I wish Lauren were here for this. She’d kick the other hamsters’ asses to the curb. I mean, have you seen her artwork? Fierce. And I say that with all sincerity.

To begin, the FinalFabFour all shoot each other, but alas, there are no bullets in the cameras. Dominique-inique-inique and Fatima spend most of their time tearing each other down. It is boring and lame. Ann Shoket and her nose arrive to tell the hamsters the nature of this challenge. They will each get five minutes to shoot Paulina. The winner of the challenge will get an extra 50 frames at the next photo shoot. We know from past seasons how great a prize that is. It usually ensures a win. Fatima says that she absolutely has to win this and get those extra 50 frames. She goes first.

Anya says that Fatima was good at giving direction. Paulina says that Fatima was strong, and led her along by the hand toward a vision and that she (Paulina) wanted to go on that trip. Dominique-inique-inique is next and takes advantage of the fact that Paulina is a pro and tells her to do what ever she wants. What she wants is to stand there and make Dominique-inique-inique give her direction. Unfortunately for all concerned, this leads to posing in front of a random cactus. Actually, it looked like a Spanish Bayonet, and those have some wicked sharp points. I hope Paulina wasn’t hurt. Anya says that Dominique-inique-inique had no vision. Paulina says that Dom wanted to do something great, but was clueless as to what or how.

Whitney gave Paulina direction while keeping in mind that Paulina is a judge, and a pro and can make or break her career. Or at least her time on ANTM. Dom opines that Big Whitney came across as professional. Paulina says that Whitters was fun to work with, and didn’t hesitate to take control of the shoot.

Anya has ideas, all of them awful. One idea involves Paulina throwing a pile of leaves in the air and watching in wonder as they fall around her. Another involves Paulina looking at a flower and tugging on its leaves in wonderment. I feel that a lot of Anya and her childlike wonder of the world around her is coming through here. I’m just saying. Well, you know what I’m saying. Big Whitney says that Anya was all over the place. Paulina is more delicate, suggesting that perhaps, just perhaps, Anya might want to try to focus.

Ann Shoket and her nose return to give the final critiques and announce the winner. Whitney’s beauty shots were perfect and Paulina liked working with her. Anya was the most fun to work with, even though a lot of her ideas didn’t work. Fatima gave the most options, and Dominique-inique-inique had lousy compositions, i.e.: lots of cactus hats. (snork) The winner is Fatima. I don’t know why, since everything sounded like it would be Whitney. Fatima, naturally, assures the world that she deserved the win. Gracious in victory, that one.

Back at the apartment, Fatima practices her walk while Dominique-inique-inique tells her that she sucks and doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing. Fatima replies “I’m rubber, you’re glue; whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.” And also, “neener, neener, I won and you didn’t you big old secret eating loser.” Dominique-inique-inique goes off into the confessional to drone on and on about herself in the third person, while Anya interviews that Dom sucks all the energy out of a room and then clutches her head and says “I’m melting…” It is one of the high moments of this season.

Salacious D has her moment of life as a Cover Girl. It involves walking in a Tibi fashion show.

Back in Rome, there is more Tyra Lisa mail, and the requisite squealing (albeit somewhat half-hearted at this stage of the game) ensues. Blah, blah, blood, blah, blah, fame. Blah, blah, no clue. But wait: here IS a clue. Dominique-inique-inique interviews that she isn’t sure if Big Whitney is going home this week, but better Big Whitney than Dominique-inique-inique.

The shoot this week is a night shot. The hamsters will be dressed up like movie stars from the 50s. They will be paired with a random Italian male model and the concept is that they are ducking down a staircase in the dead of night, only to be surprised and shot by the paparazzi. Nigel (swoon, drool) will be their photographer, and he’ll be shooting the whole thing: paparazzi, movie stars, stairs. The word of the day from Mr. Jay is “cinematic”. He should have explained what that meant, because none of the hamsters get the concept at freakin all. Anya assures us that she can take direction and give energy. She can also look like a wax copy of Gwen Steffani. Mr. Jay resorts to calling her name and distracting her in order to get a decent shot. Actually, her best shot is one where she is stepping out of her shoe and slipping. Luck be a lady.

Fatima comes to set with her usual stank attitude and says that she has a huge advantage because she won the challenge and has 50 extra frames. After 11 weeks, the girl still has a hard time facing into the camera and/or the light. She hears, but does not take, Mr. Jay’s and Nigel’s directions. She needs all fifty of her extra frames, and still sucks wind. Nigel snarks at her “Honey, that stuff isn’t inspiring.”

Big Whitney takes the set and echoes of Tyra’s “play down the hootchie” still ringing in her ears, she plays down the glamour. No one is impressed. She interviews that she didn’t do her best, but hopefully she looked pretty?

Dominique-inique-inique is ghastly. She’s stiff and stagey. Mr. Jay keeps telling her to move it around. That this is supposed to look like a still frame from a movie. Crickets. Mr. Jay interviews that the whole evening was awful, that nobody got the concept or took a decent shot and that Dominique-inique-inique even took steps backward. All the hamsters pick up on this vibe and are nervous going into panel. The guest judge is Ann Shoket and her great honking nose.

Anya gets the first critique. She looks good, but didn’t bring STAR! Big Whitney looked stunning, but also a little stunned. Paulina says she looks gorgeous, but stiff. Dominique-inique-inique arrives dressed like a cheap cocktail waitress on a morning run to Wal-Mart for diapers. Paulina takes one look at the photo and cries “TRANNY” then backtracks and says, but beautiful tranny. Miss Jay rolls her eyes. Fatima took a romantic shot, a Cover Girl shot, which is fine and dandy, but not the assignment. She tries the old, “I don’t know nuffin’ ‘bout having a boyfriend” schtick and Tyra calls foul. Oh, no, says Tyra. Don’t even go there. As a model you are paid to do and be things that you have never done and never were. Nice fucking try, beeyotch. Back to your place in line.

In the judging, Anya is credited for lucking into a great shot. But she wasn’t in control of it. Ann says that Anya oozes glamour. As opposed to say, Fatima who oozes stank and Dominique-inique-inique, who just oozes. In her photo, Fatima looks beautiful, but not startled. She came off snotty on set, and everyone agrees that she doesn’t listen. Ann thinks that Whitney isn’t using enough hootchie. Tyra neglects to mention that this would be because she’s been telling Whitney to play down the hootchie for 11 weeks. The whole make up contract thing is seen as problematic for that big old snout-nosed tranny Dominique-inique-inique. Miss Jay gets the best line of the night by saying (in a basso profundo) that that’s why it’s called Cover Girl, because it covers up the man in you. Bwahahahahaha.

The photos go to Anya (strongest in a weak bunch, and then only by luck) and Whitney (quit trying so hard). This leaves our protagonists, Dominique-inique-inique and her best enemy Fatima in the bottom two. Who stays? The tranny who started out bad, then got better and finally sucked so badly even the judges couldn’t ignore it? Or the pimply-faced egotist with the dreadful past and a total inability to take direction? Hmmm. Hard call, and they can’t send two girls home tonight, so Fatima gets to stick around for another week.

Next week? A Cover Girl commercial and a muthafuckin walk-off.