Miz Shoes Reviews: ANTM Season 10, Epi 5

This week we open with confessionals. Fatima is shocked, SHOCKED to have found herself in the bottom two when she knows that she’s so good. Dominique-inique-inique proceeds to eat up two minutes of my life spouting off about himself in the third person: Dominique is this and Dominique is that and Dominique has visualized himself winning and becoming America’s Next Top Tranny. Whitney tells us that Dominique-inique-inique is mind-boggling delusional, and a stank ho who never shuts up. And your point?

Whitney wanders off to the kitchen and offers some banana bread to Stacy-Ann, who squeaks that she isn’t interested in becoming “fat” like Whitney. Whitney doesn’t slap the squeak out of her, despite Miz Shoes best hopes. That brings us to the first Tyra Scrolling Excuse for Mass Squealing of the evening. You know your ABCs, but what about the three Cs? Carbohydrates, class and comprehension? Nope. It’s Benny Ninja and Vendela (supermodel star of Scandinavian Next Top Model) in a big old warehouse to teach the girls (and Dominique-inique-inique) how to pose in the big three Cs: catalog, commercial and couture. Benny Ninja asks for someone to bring it to the center and Fatima leaps forth to be first. Whitney denies that she looks like Anna Nicole Smith when Benny and Vendela try to peg her thusly. Lauren gives nothing, Marvita is all over the place with nothing. Then the drag queen and the ice queen announce that Dominique-inique-inique is the shit. Oh, great. Like he needs to hear that to pump up his head any fatter. Dominique-inique-inique says that vogueing? Posing? Something or other is what Dominique-inique-inique is all about. Enough with the third person, Mr. Bignose.

We head back to the loft for this season’s telephone drama. Big Whitney has drawn up a little roster so that everyone can get a guaranteed shot at the phone booth. We see the list, and that each person has gone in at their designated time, for their designated 15 minutes and scratched off their names. Except for Dominique-inique-inique. He’s hanging in bed waiting to be called. Only nobody’s calling anyone, it’s each model for her or himself. Consequently Dominique-inique-inique misses his time to call his child. This becomes Whitney’s fault. Of course. Which leads to much screaming and name calling. Whitney moves her neck at Dominique-inique-inique which sends Dominique-inique-inique right off the end of the plank. He says that Whitney shows him no respect, and Whitney says that’s because you have given me no reason to respect you. He calls Whitney a racist, and then confessionalizes a definition of racism that you will never find in OED. Or even the Webster’s College Dictionary, condensed and abridged.

Either way, this makes Whitney’s head explode with rage. I am from the South, she says, and calling someone from the South racist is fighting words. Also? Her BFF is Black, so back the fuck off. She’s ready to tear Dominique-inique-inique’s fat head off his pencil neck, but alas, this does not come to pass. Instead, we have this stinging putdown from Dominique-inique-inique to Whitney: You look all of 30 and you act like you’re 12. Well, snap. And also, Mr. Pot? There is a Mrs. Kettle here to see you.

Another Tyra Scrolling Excuse for Mass Squealing tells the girls to bring it to the center, and the LimoCab takes them all to the 5 Points section of Brooklyn, where they meet Benny Ninja, Vendela and the House of Ninja Vogue troupe. Work it, sisters. Like Jaslene before him, Dominique-inique-inique is delighted to be home among his own. The girls (and Dominique-inique-inique) are split into two houses and forced to have a Vogue-off, with BennyNinja calling one of the Cs and the drag queens picking the winners. The winning team will be taken to the swag tent, and the best girl on the winning team will get an extra prize.

Dominique-inique-inique squares off against Claire, and the queens declare a tie. Marvita says that Dominique-inique-inique was good, but well, also a drag queen, so you’d expect that. Lauren beats Marvita, Stacy-Ann beats Anya, Whitney drops a full split and beats Fatima (unfortunately, not about the head and shoulders) and Fatima gets all up in Whitney’s personal space with her own personal space, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Of course, the ever-elegant Fatima has this to say about Whitney: “She’s the girl in high school you hate because she’s the cheerleader and she sleeps with everyone.” Nice. Finally Katarzyna beats Aimee. And the winning team is Claire (who gets the personal best and a trip to Bora Bora), Marvita, Stacy Ann, Whitney and Katarzyna. Marvita is seriously stoked by the swag tent. Whitney is petty about Claire getting the trip to Tahiti.

Back to the house for an evening of practicing (Fatima) and drinking malt liquor (Marvita and Lauren) in memory of Amess. Fatima gets her prissy holier than thou face on again and calls Marvita six kinds of ghetto. Well, Miss Thing, it isn’t like she’s pretending to be anything else, you know. She is honest about it. Over in Baltimore, Salacious D is all stoked to be watching the make up get produced in the Cover Girl factory. She even gets excited to see a bar code. I wish I was making that shit up, but alas, I am not. Marvita wanders through the loft, being happy with the nicest surroundings she’s ever lived in and doubting her ability to stay. In a moment of self-awareness, she ponders if she is perhaps, too ghetto.

Tyra Scrolling Excuse for Mass Squealing brings us to the week’s photo shoot. Portrait. Tight close up of face, covered in garish make up, pieces of theatrical gels and dripping paint. What? It’s totally plausible.  Marvita has shown up for the shoot in a pulled down wool hat, enormous sunglasses and a turtle neck sweater. The only thing visible is the tip of her nose. This bodes badly. Fatima disses Marvita within Marvita’s hearing, because what’s the fun of trashing someone’s self assurance if they can’t hear you?

Photographer for the day is Peter Buckingham. Lauren rocks the shot and bites on her peals. Stacy Ann is reminded to bring the neck. Whitney is encouraged to be herself and to quit trying to suck in her cheeks for a shot. Dominique-inique-inique was depressingly not sucky. Fatima struggled and over-analysed everything. Marvita, despite a serious, Gurl, you gotta suck it up and compete pep talk from Mr. Jay, fades off our screen. Still another in a long string of strong Black bitches who were reduced to ashes by the steam roller of high fashion and Mistress TyTy. Remember Tiffany? Ebony?

Finally and at last, we end up at Panel, where the guest judge is the sort of rude and icey Vendela. The first picture is of Dominique-inique-inique, and Nigel calls her intellectual, which puts him on Miz Shoes shit list for a week. Everyone is surprised to see her look so soft. Hey, Photoshop and Vaseline. Works like a charm. Anya gets the squint with your eyes open lesson. See? I’m doing it now. Katrazyna is praised for being able to squint with her eyes open. Fatima is shown with one arm up and over her head, and we are treated to a furry little arm pit. I guess with her background, tender places and razors are never seen together. Well, the furry pit just sends Miss Jay, and Paulina and Nigel and Tyra into major fits. Their mood of disbelief in Fatima’s stupidity is not helped by Fatima’s explanation that she thought it could be airbrushed out. Paulina tells her that a razor costs a dollar and retouching costs a thousand.

Lauren steps forward and apologizes for being in high-tops, but her size ten pumps seem to have gone missing. Miss Jay suspects the drag queens from the House of Ninja. Tyra claims to have stolen them herself. Whitney is bashed for not being serious enough, and Claire needs more neck. Marvita’s shot is heartbreakingly sad, and Vendela loathes it, but Paulina loves it. Aimee is complimented on her photos, but told to shape up and start looking like a model at panel.

As the judges deliberate, Anya can’t carry a shot with only her face and Katarzyna is fading away. Fatima is old enough to know to shave. Whitney is boring Paulina, but Nigel is still loving her. Vendela just sniffs and says that Whitney just doesn’t have it. Period. Marvita has given up on ANTM before ANTM gave up on her. Aimee is a chameleon, but not in a good way. Stacy Ann is continuing to grow and Paulina loves Lauren.

Photos are handed out to Stacy Ann, Dominique-inique-inique (NOES! Stop encouraging him!), Claire, Anya, Lauren, Aimee, Katarzyna, Fatima. Marvita and Whitney are both lectured for a lack of seriousness, and Marvita is sent home for giving up early.

Next week? Mistress TyTy teaches a class, and the house comes down on Dominique-inique-inique, with Claire flat out calling him shady. Or is that he’s sporting a five o’clock shadow?