Miz Shoes Reviews: Cycle 9 ANTM, Episode 12

Heather Mail!!!! And we miss her already. Binaca, however, only misses that there is no Heather to emotionally abuse any more. In her usual charming way, Binaca interviews that since Heather was always in her own world anyway, there’s really no difference with her gone. Have I mentioned that I loathe that beeyotch, Binaca? I have? Good. It deserves repetition. Jenah interviews that she just can’t see herself going home. Chantallobotomy can see Jenah going home, and she described the vision to the viewing audience: Jenah is just falling apart. However, and there is alway a however with the lovely yet clueless Chantallobotomy, she, Chantallobotomy is not falling apart. She is getting stronger, and more beautiful, and closer to that which is her destiny: being America’s Next Top Model. She was born to win this, even though the show wasn’t even a twinkle in Miss Tyty’s eye when C. was born. Binaca comes back in to say “Shut the fug UP, Chantallobotomy.” Binaca says that Chantallobotomy is always so cheerful and perky and happy and that just twists Binaca’s knickers into a very big and annoyed knot.

After that recap, we head out with the girls to a park somewhere in Beijing. In come a couple of pallaquins, holding Twiggy and Miss Jay. The girls are going to get a culture lesson about the four greatest, legendary beauties of China. There is the girl who made the flowers bow their heads, the girl who made the moon disappear and the girl who caused something else to happen and yet another one, ditto. Binaca pays less attention to this than I did, and makes eye-rolling what evs, and says yeah, yeah, yeah four girls/four beauties I get it, next. Kulchur ain’t her thang, it seems. So having paid little to no attention to the lesson, the girls go to their new home and find Tyra Mail and four boxes. In each box is one of the costumes from the four beauties. The challenge will be to update/modernize/accessorize these dresses and make them their own. To this end, the girls are sent off to a ginormous shopping mall and given a couple of hundred dollars. They have one hour to shop and chop and then they will have to walk a runway to show off the look.

Off they go. Binaca tells Jenah (in the previews I thought it was Salacious D) that across the street at the other side of the mall is some really hot stuff. There is only 35 minutes left, Binaca has already scoped out the other side and there is absolutely nothing nada nil over there. She says that fucking with Jenah and seeing her head off on a wild goose chase really made her feel better. Charming girl, that Binaca. Curious isn’t it that even before we knew how stank she is the name I gave her was one of an anti-stank breath spray? Stank just oozes on a subliminal level, I guess.

The guest judge for their impromptu runway is Ann Shoket from 17. Salacious D is first and she has accessorized well, and her walk is fierce. Chantallobotomy is smooth and natural. Binaca had a cute idea to hoist her skirt up with fleurchons and show off her great gams, but the overall look was a leetle too hip hop. Jenah has shortened her dress to a modern cocktail dress and unbuttons her overcoat as she comes down the runway, doing something (GASP! SHOCK!!!) that actually looks like a real model on a real runway. She is the clear winner. She is going to get a custom made traditional Chinese gown and she can include a friend in the prize. She chooses Chantallobotomy (SHOCK!!! GASP!) on account of she isn’t a backstabbing ho. She also gets private runway lessons from Miss Jay. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the prizes this year are better than in past years, even if there isn’t a $40,000 diamond bracelet in the mix. The lessons seem to do her some good.

And back we go to the gilded hamster cage for Tyra Mail.

Binaca gets more screen time as she interviews that old Chantallobotomy and Salacious D think that they are going to be in the top two, but they don’t realize that she, Binaca the Stank Ho from Queens has come here to win, and she ain’t leavin’ till she does. Ohhhh, hubris where is thy sting? Cut to Jaslene gargling something or another about her life as a Cover Girl and this is the Latina Magazine cover…. Which was in my dentist’s office in June… Still, it was a cover of something other than 17. I guess. There was some talking but, you know, it came out of Jaslene’s mouf, so it could have been Russian for all I could understand it. Speaking of Russian, what ever happened to Natasha? I miss her. She was sweet and cute and made cat noises in the cell phone for her husband. Anyway, the next shoot will be at the Great Wall of China. They will be Mongols trying to invade. They must have strong faces. Tyra will be the photographer. Salacious D says that she’s going to be Xena, Warrior Princess. Jenah says she misses her family and she’s going to cry. Chantallobotomy, predictably, loves the challenge, loves the enormous, gigantic sideways hair bun, the clothes and the model lifestyle of jet-setting around to cool places. Binaca, predictably, says the other girls can eat the corn from her shit and that she doesn’t care or think about anything but her own self.

Jenah is first and Tyra asks her what’s on the other side of the wall for her. Jenah says that Jenah is. That she’s losing her sense of self. She is wearing the same sideways bread loaf bun that Chantallobotomy is wearing. I’m just going to throw this out here: In the disappearing girls photo, Jenah and Chantallobotomy are standing next to each other. They are wearing the same color wraps. They were given the same make overs. They are being given the same hair and make up here. Do we think that there are going to be two winners this year? Did the show get such mileage out of the twins that they made a set? I’m just asking.

Binaca comes out and sucks. Tyra and the Little Orange Man say that the first 40 shots were “painful” but that the last 20 were good. Ish. Salacious D rocks the house, jumping and posing and looking edgy and fierce. This is her best shoot evah, and she even used the environment…whatever that means. Then, Tyra gets all four models together and does a group shot. Salacious D says that she kept telling herself that she had to stand out. Binaca says that Salacious kept sticking that damned bun in her face and blocking her from view. The world out in teevee land says, Thank you Salacious D. But alas, this absence of stank doesn’t last, because we are back at the house and there is Binaca, psyching everyone else about how scared are you guys about going home because I’m not scared at all. Chantallobotomy isn’t scare either, because she is sure that this is her birthright. Her destiny. God’s will. Binaca, having lost Heather, now starts up on Chantallobotomy and Salacious D. She has this to say about Miss Salecia: She has a lot of experience, so for her to not be outstanding really sucks for her. Jenah just says, tearfully, that she is not going home.

And, panel. There are Jenah and Chantallobotomy in their matching custom Chinese robes. Except (is this a hint?) Jenah’s blue dress has a magnificent stand up collar, sort of like the evil queen in Snow White. Ann Shoket is the guest judge. Jenah is first, as she was the challenge winner. Tyra says that even though Jenah did a good shoot, she (Tyra) couldn’t remember a thing about it when it was over. Except that Jenah looked like the costume was wearing her. Not good. Jenah cries and talks about missing her family and wanting to be a role model for her two baby sisters. And for baby sisters every where. Sniff, sniff. Girl, you don’t cry at panel, you are supposed to cry in your one on one with Tyra before the fashion show, and then tell her how she has changed your life. Do you girls not watch this show?

Miss Jay says that Binaca was as stiff as the wall, and almost scary. The main thing that Tyra took away from working with Binaca was that she is so NOT a natural model. Chantallobotomy was perfect, and she was the only one who really understood the concept. My head just exploded when I typed that. Ann tells her that she’s (Chantallobotomy) is so pretty and happy. Binaca seethes in the background, and you can almost see her head explode. Salacious D was great with a capital G and she jumped around. And she looked at the camera.

In the group shot, each of the four judges found a different girl to be the standout. Tyra likes Binaca and says she looks sort of like a boy. Do you think it might be the shaved head? Twiggy likes Jenah, and Nigel says something really pervy about why couldn’t you look at ME like that about one of the two blondes. Time to discuss who’s getting the boot back to the US of A. Nigel says that Jenah’s little speech sounded like her swan song, like she’d already lost in her head. Twiggy says that Binaca is the least natural model she’s ever seen. Chantallobotomy has begun channeling her inner diva, but Miss Jay says (and redeems himself with me despite that dopey Afro he’s been sporting) that she looks like a boat show model. You know, the girl who stands around and points to the Evinrudes. Salacious D has finally found the high fashion model inside her.

And the winner this week is Chantallobotomy who gets two pictures: the group shot and the single. Salacious D is second. Jenah and Binaca are the bottom two. Jenah was strong from the start, but is starting to weaken. You didn’t sound like a winner when you talked to us today. Binaca, this has been a long journey for a girl from Queens, but we feel that the only way you can do a fashion shoot is with constant coaching. You still have your training wheels on. You can’t do it on your own. So go the fuck back to Queens, you stank ho. Jenah, we’re giving you another chance.

And so it is the two dim blondes and Salacious D. I think it’s too early for another Battle of the Blondes (Carideemented and Melrose who wuz robbed). Unless they are going to give us a twin win, it’s Salacious D in the cat bird seat next week.