Miz Shoes Reviews: Cycle 9 ANTM, Episode 8

After the thrills and chills of Halloween’s Recap Episode where we saw how quickly Ebony went from Stank Bitch With Attitude to Sunk Bitch Without Hope, and Chantallobotomy gettin’ all up in Binaca’s stank grill, I just don’t know if I can handle tonight’s episode.

Oh, who am I kidding, I live for this. Well, this and the accompanying martinis. So. Without further ado, I present my recap of ANTM: The Girls Work It Out With Tyra. YES! I kid you not, this week the original Miss Thing gets down and dirty with the bitches and the hos and reminds us out here in TeeVee land exactly why she can get away with the crap she does and says to the hamsters every week. It’s because she defines “fierce”. No, really, I’ll wait here while you guys go to your Webster’s and look up the word. See? Right next to the entry is a picture of Miss TyTy on the catwalk. She can stomp it out. She can create the wind in her own hair. She has fire in her eyes, and and and… well, I’m just speechless. She leads the girls across the floor and they are just feeble echoes of a dim reflection of Tyra.

But I digress. Let’s begin at the beginning, with Binaca on the BioBus, explaining that Ebony wasn’t a broke down wannabe, she was just missing her family. Unlike Binaca. In the traditional foreshadowing interview segment, Chantallobotomy tells us that she isn’t concerned about a thing (SHOCK!) that she doesn’t question herself at all (BIG SHOCK) because she knows that she is a natural at this modeling game.

Heather explains that she is doing well in the competition despite not having any natural ability or the first clue because she is a visual artist, and instead of “posing” she is making art with her body. I think Farrah Fawcett did that on the Playboy Network. Of course, with her this involved a lot of paint and a lot of nudity. But still. I’m just sayin’.

Binaca then steps up and hates on Heather. A lot. And to her face. Which, maybe it’s the Ausberger’s or maybe it’s her mental maturity, but Heather just lets it roll off her scary-bony back. Which only infuriates Binaca more, and she asks the other girls why they are so protective of Heather when she’s the competition. Oh, I dunno, and just a wild guess here, but maybe? It’s because she doesn’t talk shit to and about everyone else? And she seems pretty sweet? Unlike, say, BINACA?

And then, the girls end up in a dance studio, wearing fleshy colored unitards and dance shoes. For some skinny bitches, those girls sure look awful dressed like that. Then Tyra! comes in and tells them that she is the teacher for today and she’s going to teach them how to move for music videos and runways. And I have to point out that after a few stomps back and forth across the floor, girlfriend is pretty winded. We do runway stomp with fierce eyes! We flirt with ourselves in the mirrors to learn how to be sexy and coy. Ambreal is choppy and hokey, and allows as how since she isn’t supposed to be there, she really needs to prove herself to Tyra. Good luck with that, Am, since Miss Thing is in front of a mirror.

Next, we work on the “wall slide” which is, apparently, a Very Important piece of munitions in a top model’s arsenal. Who knew? Heather looks a tad possessed, but in a fierce and sexy way (which irks Binaca greatly) and Lisa the Lap Dancer (which we haven’t heard about lately) fails to haul her scrawny ass back up the wall using only her leg muscles. This astounds Tyra, who gives us all a little lecture about how just because you skinny, you ain’t fit. But I’m too busy trying to figure out how a stripper/lap dancer can’t do this particular move in her sleep. I mean, I thought the wall slide was de riguer for strippers/lap dancers. Right up there with the pole twirl. As usual, what do I know…

Then the girls get knee pads, and—SHUT UP!!!—it isn’t that at all. It’s about the sexy/strong tiger crawl. Chantallobotomy does her best, but Tyra says she looks like she’s only running on half a tank. Of what? Bio-diesel? Half-tanked on tequilla? Half a brain cell? Answers are not forthcoming. Binaca is seen as too self-conscious. And then Heather crawls and Binaca tells us that Heather was pure suck on dry toast, and Tyra tell us that Heather was fabulous, and Binaca’s head explodes from jealousy, anger, hatred and just general stank.

And at this point in my notes I say “I’m thinking that Chantallobotomy is heading home this week because she keeps interviewing about how good she’s doing, and how confident she is and how she was BORN TO WIN THIS!!!

Then Sarah comes on and talks about how is she a plus size or is she ain’t and she just doesn’t know anymore. Tyra mail arrives and it is found by Heather. Who stands six feet away from it, like she’s afraid it might explode, and yells for all the other girls to come before she’ll open it. Musicians love models… No kidding. That’s breaking news.

The girls arrive at a theater, and meet Jessy Terrero, a famous (I guess. If you know about those things, which I clearly do not) music video director. Today they will be shooting a music video for a fabulous, international singing sensation. One girl will get a starring role. All the girls will appear, but the “multi-platinum” artiste will get to decide. The “mulit-platinum” artist turns out to be Enrique Iglesias, who, I must admit, is a lot hotter than his dad ever was, and even hotter since he got that mole taken off his face. They are going for a vampire-esqe/Goth girl feel, and in what must be the first time any one of these guest judges ever told the whole truth, Jessy says that after consulting the record company as to what they actually want, the girl chosen to star is

Commercials and we see Jaslene in New York City, unveiling her billboard in Times Square. I hate to say this, but I think I understood what she said. Something about a New York Minute?

Lisa the Lap Dancer…and Heather, because she was just too good to pass up. Binaca head blows up again. This may be my new drinking game. Jenah and Heather stand in a doorway as Enrique walks in. Jenah is supposed to give him the vampire come-hither, and Heather just gets to grab him. Nobody is surprised at how good she does that, or how fierce she looks while she does it. Chantallobotomy opines as to how bad it sucked not to win because she has all this natural talent and stuff. The director says: Chantallobotomy was a stiff. Ambreal (the musical theater major) gets to do a wall slide, and does it totally hootchie, which is exactly what Tyra told them not to do…except in a music video. We will hear more about this later. Lisa’s big scene is to stop Enrique with a leg across the wall, which she (using her talents as a lap dancer) manages to also sort of twine around his waist. Salacious D, Sarah and Binaca are all in a back room, supposed to be giving Enrique the old vampire come-hither, en masse. Sarah is just too freaked out by being the big girl in big-ass open mesh to do anything more than whine about being too big to be mostly naked. To which I say, Sarah, come to Miami and check out how big you can be and still wear ass-floss on the beach. I did that a few years ago, and went back to bikinis, since even though I’m the size of a Mini-Cooper these days, I’m still a LOT smaller than most of the women on the beach. Yep. If you don’t wander into Euro-trash territory over on SoBe, the beaches of Miami can do wonders for a big girl’s self esteem.

They are finally filming the final rave scene and it’s hot and it’s late and it’s hot and nobody has thought to have a caterer on set apparently, because all of a sudden Heather turns whiter than usual, and takes a face plant. The diagnosis is that she hasn’t eaten all day and it’s hot, and it’s late and girl has no stores of body fat to turn to in situations like this (lordy, you could saw a tree down with the points sticking out of her back). She gets some Gator Aid and a lecture and the BioBus back to the Green House. Salacious D makes the astute comment that she doesn’t think that Heather goes out clubbin on high levels of adrenaline too often, and so doesn’t know how to dance all night on empty. Binaca, on the other hand and this will amaze you, takes this opportunity to say that Heather just doesn’t have what it takes to live the model’s life. Which, it goes without saying, she, Binaca, does have…in abundance.

Back at the Casa De Bitches and Hos, the girls are all tucked in their beds, contemplating who will be sent home. Chantallobotomy once more states that she isn’t nervous about judging, because SHE WAS BORN TO DO THIS, and God gave her this face and body for a reason… as an apology for forgetting to install brain cells? Ambreal is nervous because she isn’t even supposed to be there anymore.

Judging. Finally. Jessy Terrero is the guest judge. Miss Jay’s afro is getting scary. Lisa goes first and Nigel tells her that if she could turn out that energy and hotness in a still, she could go far. Big freaking IF, Nigel. Ambreal’s wall slide is dissed as being hootchie, and she even (heaven forbid!) Licked. Her. Lips. The horror. Jessy, though, says he thought she was HOTT. Ha! Salacious D and Sarah were told that Salacious D popped and Sarah looked wicked, except for the part where she looked embarrassed. Nigel tells Sarah that she’s disappearing and she was brought on to be a plus sized model and to, for god’s sake, eat something. Beef up, ho. Don’t be ashamed of the T&A.

Jenah and Heather are called up and their footage reviewed. Jenah was smiling, and vampires don’t smile. She wasn’t evil enough. Evil light. Heather, though, rocked the evil fierceness.  Chantallobotomy was supposed to be checking out Enrique, but instead she was giving the “I’m hot” model pose, and not the “you there, come to Butthead” that she was supposed to be broadcasting. Binaca was too choppy, kissy and stagey, and not fluid.

There is discussion about Sarah losing weight, about Chantallobotomy being too flat and a dissppointment, Binaca being choppy but bad ass. Jenah can’t control the sexy, the camera loves Lisa (and good thing, because none of the rest of us do) and Heather is awkward and coach-able. So. Names are called in this order: Lisa, Heather, Salacious D, Binaca, Ambreal, Jenah. Sarah and Chantallobotomy are the bottom two, and in what must be a first, the foreshadowing and hints were a ploy to throw us off. It is disappearing Sarah who disappears, and Chantallobotomy who gets the second chance. Sarah cries more than any girl ever in any season, and Tyra gives her hugs and comfort. See? If she’d just made a couple of bacon and grilled cheese sammiches, who knows how far she could have gone.

And another week on the couch comes to an end. See you next week, when we play the “Binaca’s head explodes, time to take a shot” game.

Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 11/09 at 12:24 PM in ANTM

(2) Comments
#1. Posted by gigi on November 09, 2007

OK ~ I’m coming in for Lisa, who I think is stunning and absolutely rocked that whole vampire/Linda Evangelista/Sophia Loren thing she had going on there.  I would argue that a gorgeous lap dancer with no muscle control is precisely what we’re looking for here in ANTM Land~ if Jaslene, the vicious tranny with marbles in her mouth can do it, so can she.  Like Chantal, I have faith.

Of course, my last pick was Brit, the I-have-No-Short Term-Memory-due-to-this-Metal-Plate-in-Head girl, so I’m no judge.

I love that Chantal thinks that God gave her ‘this face and this body’ to become ANTM.  WWJR? ~ Who would Jesus rep? ;D

#2. Posted by teren pretabil resedinta on February 29, 2008

HEY! How did ANTM get back on the air and me not know?

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