Miz Shoes Reviews: Project Runway Season 10 Episode 9

Day 5 of The Duquesne Whistle is not as enjoyable as Day 1. In other news, previously on Project Runway, designers were forced to busk in the streets of New York City for their budgets, Boris and Natasha almost came to blows, Crunchy Granola went home and Sanjay won by a jacket.

Pillow fight in the boys room. Mini MiCo is scared. Boris is thrilled today the last week is over. Miss Gunnar declaims. Boris disses Natasha, and Natasha disses Boris, and we see the obligatory generalized male bashing. On the runway, Heidi comes in appearing to be wearing a rubberized romper or strapless latex onesie. Miss Gunnar tells us he has plans for his winning money: Miss Gunnar needs to buy his momma new pair of boobs. Stay classy, Miss Gunnar, don’t ever change. Each of you will have a different inspiration. Whatever, as long as there are no teams and no clients, say the designers.

MONDO! It’s the HP product placement challenge. You will create your pattern inspired by your own cultural heritage, since we can’t trust you all to come up with a concept on your own, apparently. Roll video of Mondo’s

tearful coming out on national television. Miss Gunnar accepts the challenge to tell a dramatic, teary heart-rending back-story. Oh dear G-d that is not going to be pretty. We have prepared a dossier on your cultural heritage for each of you (anybody other than Miz Shoes find that a touch creepy and stalkerish?) to be delivered by special delivery. It’s the friends and family visit! Natasha’s mother is stunning. Ven may have a twin sister. Flavio has a boyfriend, Boris has a bestie, and Miss Gunnar is shocked to see his mother wearing a dress.

Everybody was cute as little children, everybody used to be happy, and then life happened to them. Aesthetic! Take a shot! Aesthetic! Take a shot! Boris comes from a long line of artists. He will use elements from traditional costume. Sanjay is doing tribal. VV2X4 is going to use hibiscus flowers. MiniMiCo can’t focus. Melissa is yammering about bloodlines. Miss Gunnar says that his heritage is being bullied. Miss Gunnar does not know what heritage means, unless clueless victim is an ethnicity choice on the next census.

Print aside, Miss Gunnar is going for an equestrian look which he says plays a large part in his heritage. Ah, so that would be half clueless victim and half horse’s ass, then, asks Miz Shoes? Mini MiCo says that lady bugs swarmed his gramma’s funeral and will be his inspiration. Sanjay’s working on pants that wow and Boris says that he knows better than to make another dress, so he’s working on separates where his textile will be the accent and not the focus. Mini MiCo is struggling. Sanjay says commit. Fit is everything.

Communal dinner. Family. Strong Ukrainian wooman. OMG! OMG! OMG! All of the designers are happy with their prints, but MizShoes and the RLA roll their eyes and agree that not one of those shown can make a repeat pattern. But then we see Boris, who has made a black, red and white Ukrainian Easter egg, even though he is from Belarus, which to hear him and Natasha snarl at one another one would think were far removed.

Natasha has made something that looks like scribbled martini glasses in lavender, lime and navy blue. Flavio shares that his scribbles are supposed to represent copulation, the source of everything. VV2X4 has giant pink blobs on white, about one per square foot. He’s going to create something totally unexpected: a cocktail dress with an accordion pleated fleurchon. And snore.

Miss Gunnar continues to emote about being beaten up as a whiny, annoying little boy. Weak shit, dude. He puts a bird on it. And then, OMG, Miss Gunnar and Mini MiCo finally kiss and make up and have a bonding moment. Melissa has family issues, Boris has fitting issues, Miss Gunnar has taste issues, and Mini MiCo is having a crisis of faith and needs a Tim Talk(TM). Totally getting the winner edit. On cue, Tim comes in for walkies and dispenses wisdom where needed, mainly with Ven, who cannot see that he has created an homage to menstrual cycles and maxi-pads. Tim is right, of course, and what has been seen cannot be unseen.

Gunnar needs a miracle, Melissa needs parental approval, and Mini MiCo is expecting the worst. Off to hair and make up where the word of the day is strong: strong lip, strong brow, futuristic Joan Crawford. Off to the runway, where the loved ones will be on hand to watch their humiliation. Miss Gunnar’s mommy likes his work, Melissa’s mommy loves her work, Ven loves his own work: another origami napkin bodice. On the runway, Heidi makes another dubious fashion choice. Our guest judges tonight will be MONDO! and that stank chick who couldn’t set in a sleeve.

Sanjay’s pants fit like a dream, and her draped black jersey top is the perfect counterpoint, but that red, white and blue print is tribal in a very Pacific Northwest/Inuit sort of way. And meaning no disrespect to Inuits, not in a good way does Sanjay’s pattern remind Miz Shoes of Inuit artifacts. Natasha has made another color-blahked hostess jacket. Mini MiCo just hopes that the judges are so smitten by the exposed zipper that they’ll give him a pass.Aesthetic! Take a shot! Ven is pleased with himself. Flavio’s trousers are fluid and effortless, and he’s hidden his unattractive print under sheer black organdy in the chic little jacket. Melissa’s dress is stunning. The all over print is flawlessly matched where it is so perfectly tailored that not a seam or shaping is visible. Miss Gunnar sends out a fencing jacket covered in dead birds and skeletal hands, which, now that Miz Shoes sees it spelled out like that, might have been a very cool pattern, done in a much larger scale by a person who could draw, and executed in the manner of a French toile. You’re welcome. Send me yardage.

Boris sends out some thing sharp, geometric, still screaming Ukrainian Easter egg, but that jacket. AMAZING JACKET IS AMAZING!

Natasha and Flavio are safe. Melissa explains her concept: Polish family, Polish flag, blood is thicker than water. MKors calls it uptown girl and admires the fit. Heidi misses the cool, but NinaGarcia declares it chic, smart and sexy. Mondo loves the dress but not the styling. Venny is pleased with himself, but Heidi calls it a Hawaiian airline hostess. One of the worst. Not good. MKors calls him a fabric florist, and they all ask him how is it that nobody has mentioned to you that you are boring Nina? Has nobody said to you that the origami flower is dead to us? Mondo gives good critique. Venn blows around the room backwards as the air is expelled from his punctured ego. Boris says his father and grandfather are both artists. The judges are blown away by his construction skills, his use of the patterned fabric to such strong effect: he only used a little bit, but it was essential to the success of the design.

Miss Gunnar blathers on and on about the immense tragedy of being an insufferable dweeb as a child who was bullied and ridiculed and blah blah blah. When he pauses for dramatic effect, MKors jumps in to say yeah, really tragic back-story, but not as tragic as this suburban baton twirler. NinaGarcia says, well you fully embraced your narrative, but that is one sad piece of crap and nobody wants to buy sad crap. Sanjay says her inspirations were tribal, American and black, cause well, duh. Cool, young, chic, elegant, perfect. MKors compliments her tailoring and her impeccable print matching in the crotch. Mini MiCo dutifully trots out his ladybug story and the judges pat him on the head and tell their little pet that everyone has an off day, and not to worry, they still love him, it isn’t his week to go home.

Time for a little chat. Melissa. Boris. MKors and NinaGarcia agree that the suit could be an easy $1,500 retail and no greater praise or admiration will you ever hear from those two. Sanjay’s outfit also looked expensive and impeccable. Mini MiCo had a bad night. Miss Gunn’s was crap. Venn Diagram? How could this be? How could Tim not have told him? Bring me the head of Tim Gunn. Tim delightedly dishes with the judges about the homage to maxipads, and, one suspects, aspects of Ven’s personality that are equally unpleasant.

Melissa is in. Boris wins at last! He listened to the judges and didn’t make another dress. How bout dat? he asks the camera, and about fucking time, he says to the other designers. Sanjay is in, Mini MiCo is in, as if there was any doubt. Ven, you missed the mark. Gunnar, we admire your attempt to provide us with dramatic content, but that was weak tea, man, and besides, do you not own a mirror? You. Have. No. Taste. You are out. Ven promises to take the last chance to wow Nina, and Miss Gunnar milks her last five minutes of fame with a more drawn out and hammy exit than even William Shatner on his worst/best day could deliver.

Next week? We learn that Las Vegas cheerleaders are not as classy as the Rockettes.