Miz Shoes Reviews: Project Runway, Season 7, Episode 4

In a yellow Manhattan, Anna Whomever is not surprised that Ping is gone, and she and Weepy McWeepersons are the last roommates standing. Miz Shoes speculates that in two more episodes, that room will be empty. For now though, the Nameless One and the One Who Cries ALL the Time are bonding. Jesus is going to show he deserves to be here, gosh darn it. Jesse has to come out. That’s what my notes say. Come out swinging? Come out with something amazing? Come out with a bon mot? Whatever. Mila and Maya are recreating the mirror scene between Harpo and Groucho. Or they’re just sitting side by side working on their grim bobs and red lipstick. May/la speculates that they are competitors because they are so similar.

On the runway, Heidi says that the challenge this week will be to tell Mila and Maya apart. Then she says that the hint is that Mila has immunity and Maya doesn’t. The sewing challenge will be to design a look for a Fashion Week gala. Their models will be some inspiring women. Lisa Walker, VP of Innovation for Campbell’s Soup defines the challenge. Campbell’s Soup is a sponsor of Go Red For Women, a women’s heart health not-for-profit. The Go Red For Women Gala is a big deal and top models and celebrities walk the runway in red dresses by top designers. For a gimmick, it’s ok. The Project Runway designers have to use red, Campbell’s branded fabric or create their own version of the Campbell’s logo and make a dress to wear to this event for one of these 13 randomly sized/shaped women whose lives have been impacted by heart disease. Actually she said that the women had been impacted, and one supposes that’s true in a literal and grammatically correct way, but Miz Shoes prefers her sentence structure. The winner of the challenge will have their design sold as a limited-edition on the Project Runway web site. The winner will also get to be the model’s date at the gala.

Jennifer tells Ben that her heart stops so she has a pacemaker. Jay’s model was dead for two minutes, and he just cries and cries at the drama of it all. Seth Aaron is working with Rose, who wants something “classy and sassy”. Jesus weeps with joy to find out that his model is “tiny” and so he can make pleats. Mil/ya drones in the nasal, flat and affectless way that all the grim Edith Head clones speak, that she has immunity but that, Wow. What if she could. Win two. In a. Row. Beep. That. Would. Be. Awesome. Beep. Tisha and Anthony both fan themselves, and swear that they won’t make each other cry any more than will get them air time.

One day, $100 at Mood. There are bins of Cambell’s red fabric all over Mood, or they can use other shades of red. Emilio is going to make a short cocktail dress. Jesse is wearing Logan’s old knit cap. Janeane complains that these are real women, not models and so she can’t make a pageant dress in ten hours because the seams take longer to sew when you have to make something bigger than a doll dress. May/la is inspired by the shape of the heart, so she’s going to make another sweetheart neckline. Anna Whomever is going to trace the Campbell’s logo onto red chiffon, using a darker red marker. She claims that this is because she’s been a printmaker for the last four years. Jonathan is happy to be sewing for a real woman using Campbell’s Soup branded fabric. Amy is having a hard time with the slippery fabric she’s using. Oh, honey, Miz Shoes feels your pain. Miz Shoes has tried to sew charmeuse before.

At the model fittings, Amy still hasn’t managed to get the chiffon onto the charmeuse. Anna Whomever is going to create an empowering experience, whatever that means. Anthony says that the other designers have never sewn for real women. Weepy’s model won’t shut up about how she’s had open heart surgery, and look at her, can you believe it? Blah blah blah. Shut up and let the woman pin. And then Weepy’s dress falls in a bucket of water that just happens to be sitting under the ironing board for no apparent reason, and she has to use a blow dryer and whine about her sad sack life and luck. My notes say “non-event”. (Sort of like the entire episode, frankly.)

Tim’s walkabout: Jesse is keeping it simple because his model is “full-figured” (designer speak for built like a small refrigerator) and he’s going to give the little red dress some interest with a little white jacket. Tim says that he’d better have a knock-out jacket because without that, Jesse will have nuthin’. Mil/ya or May/la says that she’s working with ivory and red taffeta and that the model is a “tough fit” (designer speak for not built like a drinking straw). Jesse’s dress is fitted and shows some cleavage. May/la is creating a swoopy, drape-y heart shaped swag across her model’s chest. Amy still hasn’t finished her foundation. Her dress exposes her model’s surgery scars like a badge of courage. (Amy, for those of you playing Project Runway Buzzword Bingo along at home, has facial piercings.) Seth Aaron has made a draped Grecian thing. It knocks Tim’s sensible brogues off, and in a bad way. Seth Aaron! he exclaims, I would never have expected this from you. Seth Aaron is not stupid. Seth Aaron abandons the look the second Tim turns away. Weepy is still whining about not being able to make a gown in one day.

Day of show and the men are all wearing twee bow ties and faux hawks. ALL of them. Except Jesus, who is wearing a scarf. Anthony says how horrible it would be to be one of their own models, being all struck with heart disease and shit, and now you gotta come out and have Michael Kors, NinaGarcia and Heidi Klum tell you that your designer has also made you look awful, too. Someone in the workroom says that things are looking more cooter than couture. At least, that’s what my notes say. Anna Whomever is rushed. Mil/ya and her model are thrilled with their gown, a red shiny thing with a giant white star inset around the hip, and other stars else where. Emilio snarks that it looks like a cheap flag, and Miz Shoes says that isn’t far from the mark. More catty talk behind each other’s backs. Running around, irons hissing, designers spitting steam. Finally, it’s time for the show.

Tonight’s judges are NinaGarcia, Michael Kors and Georgina Chapman, one of the founders of Marchessa, and so a legitimate judge who might actually say something meaningful.

Jonathan has made something in a deep tomato-soup red, not the kitchy red of the soup can itself. It has tiers, and reminds me of the Monique Lhuillier that Drew Barrymore wore to the SAGS, but with a couple more tiers. Emilio has done a strapless mini. May/la’s dress has that swag/swoop/heart shaped thing and it looks from the couch to be a wee bit Wonder Womany and a wee bit window treatment at the Hollywood Western Musical Saloon. Amy’s chiffon has finally been sewn onto the foundation, and it is a very pretty goddess gown. Jesus has made something very short and very tight and it has rhinestone straps. It is every bit as horrifying as it sounds. Anna Whomever’s short version of a goddess gown is NOT flattering. Someone has sent out a sweetheart neckline and a train. Jesse’s little red dress is covered by a great little white jacket. There is something about the way this guy uses color and cut so that what looks like a trim or an accent is revealed to be a full under layer with interesting details. He can be a pill, and not in the endearing way that Christian was, but there’s something there. Ben has done something using gold, and it looks a little Wonder Woman around the bodice, too. Mil/ya’s giant stars elicits an all caps and underlined “GACK” in the handwritten notes. Janeane made an asymmetrical bubble hem. We’ve never seen that before, and hope never to again. She’s made a silk flower out of the branded fabric. Seth Aaron has put a black skirt on that draped bodice and his model works it. It may be a bit short.

Mil/ya and May/la, Anna Whomever, Amy, Jesse and Jesus are the top and bottom designers. Mil/ya says that in researching the Campbell’s dossier, she gravitated to the star icon. Georgina, inexplicably, says that it made her smile, that it was fun and classic. This woman started Marchessa? NinaGarcia says that it is a brilliant incorporation of the star. Really? Has NinaGarcia started smoking crack again? Jesse says that he tried to make something that worked with his model’s body. Michael Kors says, really? because it looks like a majorette costume to him. NinaGarcia says that the neckline is beautiful and that better fabric would have helped. Georgina snarks about white at the waist, but she loved May/la’s clown suit, so what does she know.

Michael Kors tells Jesus that he has hit the Project Runway Trifecta: he’s made something short, shiny and tight. And he has committed an additional sin by adding on rhinestones. Heidi says that Jesus may be able to sew, but that his taste level is questionable. (Anybody have BINGO, yet?) Amy says that her model wanted strapless to show off her scar. NinaGarcia tells her that the fabric is perfect. Georgina says that it moved beautifully. So the woman is two for three. Michael Kors says it’s elegant and modern. Anna Whomever has used ivory to create a not-a-very-good illusion racer back and neckline. Mother of the Bride on Ice? And it’s short. MK says it is not flattering. Georgina points out the obvious and says it isn’t an evening dress. May/la has draped well and made something that flattered her model’s body, but the judges feel a little guilty liking it. (Miz Shoes thinks that could be because of the previously mentioned resemblance to the drapes at the bordello frequented by Adam and Hoss and when Ben Cartwright finds out that the two older boys took Little Joe, too, consequences must be paid.)

The designers leave the runway and the judges say what they really think: Jesse’s outfit was great from the waist up, taste is something you just can’t learn, JESUS. Anna Whomever tied a belt around a bag and missed the point of the challenge. (That’ll be on next week’s downloadable Bingo cards.) Mil/ya gets high praise for reasons that totally escape Miz Shoes and always will. Except, if she had to write a paper about it for an art history class. Then, there would have been a certain whimsy in Mil/ya creating another 1960’s pop art reference, when the patron saint of all things 1960’s pop art is Andy Warhol’s CAMPBELL’S SOUP CANS!!!!! Oh, the cool, hipster irony of Our Grim Miss Brooks kills us, rilly. Hand me my black turtleneck.

Amy handled the fabric well. Wait. Didn’t we see her struggle? Maybe she used tissue paper between the layers of fabric and between the fabric, the presser foot and the feed dogs. That’s the method we use here at Tante Leah’s Handmades. Liking May/la’s work made the judges question their own taste levels. So… May/la is in. Amy is the winner. Good for Amy. It is a pretty (and easily reproduceable for sale on the Project Runway website, remember) little gown. Mil/ya is in. Jesse is in. Anna Whomever made serious misjudgments and created something unflattering. Jesus had lousy taste. Jesus is history. Man, we’re going to miss the Jesus wept/slept jokes around here. Jesus is shocked to have been eliminated, proving that he was also your “clueless about his own ability” character.

Next week someone says that the designers have used three ingredients that leave you feeling nauseous. Can’t wait for that.