MizShoes Reviews: ANTM Cycle 12, Episode 6
Hang on, sweetiedarlings, this is a long, and particularly pointy review.
Prologue
Back at the Casita des Hámsteres, Tahlia is discoursing on the nature of the universe: i.e.: what it feels like to be stabbed in the back by a competitor on a long-running reality television show, where research has determined that there will ALWAYS BE A BACK STABBING BITCH among the cast. Duh. She is angry and hurt.
Over in the other confessional, Celia, AKA The Bitch Who Performed Said Back-Stabbing, is admitting that she stirred up drama, but does not regret what she did. Of course she doesn’t. The key word in that confession is DRAMA of which there need be a gracious plenty in the Reality TV Universe. We now have our protagonist and our antagonist. Stage is set for act one.
Act One
Sandra lies outright and tells Tahlia that she knew nothing of the planned shoot out at the OK Judging. We see footage of her sitting there in her Mammy do-rag along with the rest of the mean girls. Tahlia says that Celia made herself look “hella low”. Hell-low-oh? Wind In Her Face and Aminat, mean while, ask if Tahlia is going to say anything to those hos downstairs and when Tahlia says no, Wind In Her Face asks if Tahlia would mind if she went downstairs to attend to some bi-ness of her own. And again, Tahlia says you do what you gotta do. Aminat and Wind In Her Face then bound downstairs to take on the triad of Celia, Natalie and AllisonKeaneLemur.
Wind In Her Face (from the stairs): Can I ax? Don’t you feel a fool?
Allison: Huh? Wha? Get outta my face. I’m not getting this kind of air time unless I can’t help it.
Tahlia (From the stairs behind WIHF and Animat): Oh, I’m not going there. I have seen the mountain top. I have been praised in panel and gotten the first photo. I am not afraid of you. (ad lib ad nauseum)
Allison (safely in confessional): That crap from Tahlia was too Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul to be believed. (rolls eyes) I’m so sure. (exposes bunny teeth)
Back in the kitchen, Aminat and Natalie are on opposite sides of a granite counter.
Aminat: You are stupid. Let me spell that out for you S-T-U-P-I-D.
Natalie: Yeah, bring the A game, beyotch.
Aminat: StupidStupidStupid
Natalie: That all you got?
Aminat: Big stupid stupid head. Stoooo-pid.
Natalie: I’m loving this, I’m getting to do my Sly Stallone/Vin Deisel impersonation on television, viewed by millions. Totally worth looking like a moron.
Aminat: Stupid.
And cut.
Act Two
TYRAMAIL! Cut it out. I don’t want to see any more blank faces. Aminat decides that this is going to be acting class. It is not. It is Face Posing class. Also known as having an expression.
Mr. Jay is in an alley, surrounded by his faceless and less shiny sister mannequins. Mr. Jay explains the personality problem to this year’s crew (again). Nobody can tell you mindless twits apart. Today we are going to look like something other than a clothes hanger, OK? Today we are going to try to project a thought or emotion. To help teach this lesson they have Howard Stern’s wife: Beth Stern, A Model. Examples of her modeling flash on the screen, each one as plastic and as the same as the one before. Could be her, could be Ivanka Trump. Could be Ivana Trump.
The Mean Girls and the Hurt Innocents get lessons in front of a mirror as Mr. J and Mrs. Stern critique them. Celia gives a good mystery. Tahlia is a good sensual (and we get another lecture on being confident from The Girl With The Medical Issues.) Fo can be alluring. Sandra is not so much mysterious as vaguely threatening. Natalie is totally a Victoria’s Secret model, and you know that is totally what she aspires to.
To become a true icon, says Mr. Jay, you have to give all types of expressions and you have to nail them. The challenge will be to figure out what face the Icon Miss Tyra was giving when she took the shot in each of these five live-size enlargements. You will have noticed that there IS no face. We have cut those out. You will stick your head through the hole like a drunk at a Coney Island photo booth, and try to replicate what you think Tyra was doing. There are five shots, you will each pick two.
Miz Shoes thinks this might be a gentle reminder to the girls that their hostess is the Alpha Bitch in this dog pack. Yeah. Let’s see how you look compared to me. Mano a mano, bitches. And then tell me who’s got the right to say who’s all that and who isn’t.
Celia is up first and tanks badly. Fo is awful. Wind In Her Face is awful. Sandra is not quite as awful. Mr. Jay says that Sandra is disappearing. What personality she had has gone. Aminat. Allison (Mrs. Stern says “That’s just sad.” Mr. Jay says, “I’m not getting anything.”) Natalie gets it both times. LondonCometoJesus is also good. Tahlia, meh and meh. Celia focused too much on the body (which wasn’t visable anyway). Sandra just isn’t real. Allison looked like a scared
little kid. Natalie was committed and gave real expressions. She nailed it. (the word “bitch” appears in a thought balloon over each of the other girls’ heads.) She wins an extra 50% more frames than the rest of the girls at the next shoot.
TYRAMAIL! You’re all looking a little pale. You need color. Um, anyone? Anyone? Celia and Tahlia have a heart to heart up on a mid-air hallway.
Tahlia: I was humiliated.
Celia: I was a cold-hearted bitch who just wanted Tyra to hear that you wanted, in your weak moments, to leave. I’m sorry.
Celia: (to camera) I’m sure that I’m going home. But I’m going out with my head up, giving it my all, wanting it more than anyone else. And I better see that everyone else wants it just as much as me.
And cut.
Act Three
Keith Major is the photographer who is going to capture the spirit and essence of the colored powders that the girls will be doused with and have to tell the story of.
AllisonKeaneLemur is first, and she’s been doused in hot pink. She is thrilled to be girly! Girly!! Whee!!! And, we note, a mouth breather. She is very afraid to give a real emotion.
Aminat is earthy greens. And gorgeous. Tahlia is purple. She’s Confident. And at the end, when she starts making eyes at Keith Major, she gives some good face. Wind In Her Face is yellow and needs to never ever smile in front of a camera if she doesn’t want to scare the children. She has a lot of teeth and gum. Fo is fabulous as red. I think that Fo is over the Trauma of the Haircut. LondonComeToJesus is blue and blah. Natalie gets and needs her extra frames. As orange, she’s flat. Sandra is white and says that it’s all in her eyes. She is peaceful and angelic. Celia knows that if she doesn’t wow the tan off Mr. Jay, she is going home for sure, so she hits one out of the park. She is grey and she is giving more looks and poses and using her hands and you know, girl friend has it going on. Just sometimes you can take the girl out of Scratch Ankle, Kentucky, but you can’t take the Kentucky out of the girl. Celia thinks she won’t be going back to Kentucky tomorrow, but you never know.
TYRA MAIL! One of you bitches is out of here tomorrow. Only eight will continue the cat fight. Celia is picking out her wardrobe for tomorrow’s judging. She says like it feels she’s picking out clothes to be buried in. In which case, Miz Shoes wishes she were thin enough to be buried in the full and pleated skirt Celia chooses.
The guest judge tonight is Keith Major, who, coincidentally just shot Miss Tyra’s Ebony cover. Aminat’s green is the first photo, and the judges love it. Natalie’s orange has no depth. Let’s call her NatalieWooden. (I can’t believe it took me 6 weeks to get there.) No angles. Tyra advises that NatalieWooden figure out where her bones are. Tahlia is told to lose the standy-uppy hair back in a clip thing over her forehead, and the judges regain their concentration to say that she took a great shot. Nigel picks at the scab a little and asks her how she felt after getting stabbed in the back last week. He tells her to just keep shining in panel.
Celia is praised for looking so sharp at panel, and for being so hot looking in her photo. Keith says how much he enjoyed working with her. Wind In Her Face was able to keep her mouth shut long enough to take a great shot. Paulina (or Nigel, either one is capable) says that the photo doesn’t even look like Wind In Her Face, but in a good way. LondonComeToJesus has taken the same shot as last week this week. Allison has no range at all, says Keith, she just stands there with a slack mouth. Sandra’s photo is weak, and Tyra says that’s because she promised Nigel to show him a full-face shot of Sandra for the first time. It explains why she always shoots in profile. Fo is Majah! Hott!!
Our Cover Girl in Action is Big Whitney, who is looking hotter than ever and bigger than ever. Go Big Whitney. Woot!
The judges judge thusly: Aminat is amazing. There is much love. Paulina does not like NatalieWooden or how she photographs. Tahlia has given an amazing glamour shot. And she has. You see her green eyes glowing out of the lavender powder and it is fierce. Celia has the best sense of personal style that they’ve ever seen in 12 seasons of ANTM, but Nigel says that she was so stank he doesn’t even want to look at her or be in the same room as her. Wind In Her Hair is beeeeeyooootiful. LondonComeToJesus looks like she puked blue and died, says Paulina, who might know. AllisonKeaneLemur has saucer eyes and bunny teeth and Nigel can’t stand looking at her, either. I hear you Nigel. Call me. We’ll talk about it. Keith says that he loved shooting Fo. Tyra holds up Fo’s picture and says: See? This is what I keep trying to teach these hamsters: Smiling With The Eyes. This is what it looks like. Get it?
The photos go to: FO! (Smiling With The Eyes! Tyra likee.) Wind In Her Face. Tahlia, Aminat, AllisonKeaneLemur, NatalieWooden, LondonCometoJesus. That leaves Sandra and Celia, the two short-haired blondes. Sandra is wearing her red Mickey Mouse shoes and her bloomer shorts. That alone is reason to send her home. Tyra explains that Sandra only has one look, unless she can learn real fast how to face the camera. Celia take the strongest pictures every week. She has the strongest sense of style. But what she did last week was ugly enough to get her tossed. Tyra explains how she had a fellow girl mess with her money for years. And how it is a personal hot button for Tyra when a girl throws another girl under a bus for the money. (Cough Naomi) Tyra will Not Tolerate it among her own girls. Does Celia understand? Celia does and begins her redemption arc, and Sandra goes home.
Epilogue
Her final interview is this: I’m the best and they were crazy to send me home. Ah, the delusion loser exit. All is right in the Reality Television Universe.