MizShoes Reviews: ANTM Cycle 12, Premiere Part 2

Previously, there was much squealing, bitch-fighting and bad acting. Now, we are off to New York City with our fabulous final thirteen. Let’s review, shall we:

  • Animat, the six-foot glamazon

  • Natalie, the spoiled rich girl

  • Fo, the Blaxican

  • Allison, the Keane painting/lemur

  • Tahlia, the burn victim survivor

  • Celia, the old woman

  • Nijah, no known type-casting

  • London, the street preacher

  • Teyona, Wind in Her Face

  • Kortnie, the “plus size” girl who actually eats food

  • Isabella, the tragic disease person

  • Jessica, the ChaCha Diva

  • Sandra, the balls out beyotch

    Do you see anything missing? Yes! There is no out and out drag queen or girl possessed of suspiciously large man hands or an Adam’s Apple. This season, when we speak of the girls, we are fairly certain that they are, in fact, girls. How novel!

    We begin with the girls striding down the street, The Right Stuff style. In the middle of the pack is LondonComeToJesus, wearing, and I wish there were some eye-bleach handy, purple, sparkly, leopard print leggings. Leggings as pants. Miss Jay had it spot on when he said it was hard to tell if she were a street preacher or a street walker. Sheesh. They make it to the top of the Empire State Building (NYC cliche number one) and receive the keys to their castle from Nigel (call me) and Paulina. Celia, Rode Hard and Put Up Wet, gets the keys and Nigel tells her that means she gets to choose the first bed. Whee!

    We then get a confessional from this season’s resident beeyotch: Sandra, who assures us that she is here to win, not make friends. Miz Shoes wonders if we made a drinking game out of cliches, if the #3SD and I could stay conscious to the end of each episode. Somehow, there is doubt, because this scene immediately devolves to the bed fight. Only twelve beds, thirteen girls. Sandra picks a bed, drops her purse on it, and hies off to either take a leak or confessionalize. Celia sees the bed,  tosses off the purse and says: MINE!, which, by Nigel laws, she has the right to do. Blahblah, bitch fight. Finally, all is solved by LondonComeToJesus, who says that she’ll sleep on the floor, and Sandra can have her bed. When someone comments how nice she is to do that, she says she’s doing it for Jesus. Oh, good lord, this is going to get old fast. How soon is the nude shot, again? And will LondonComeToJesus bare her bits for the glory of Jesus?

    On to the 59th Street bridge (NYC cliche number 2) where the girls will see and take part in a REAL fashion show, for Abaete. The startlingly innovative theme is innocence and naughtiness. Tahlia is the only girl given a pants suit to wear, and she realizes that this is because nobody wants to have her show her poor, hideously scarred legs in a bathing suit on the runway. She is highly offended by this. Animat stomps. Teyona stomps. Isabella comments that the strobe lights on the runway could trigger a grand mal seizure, and hopes for the best. Cut to commercials. Here is Heidi Klum in a bra, advertising Victoria’s Secret bras. #3SD and I admit that we both have huge girl crushes on Heidi, and would watch an all-Heidi, all-the-time TV channel, even if it were her reading the phone book. We think it would probably win sweeps week. And PS? children, that is how it’s done when you really are a super model.

    Nijah walks well, AllisonKeane is scary, Sandra trips on her own feet about six feet onto the runway, and stops, poses and goes off. Celia works the runway and once more says how fashion is everything to her, how she left East Bummfuck, Kentucky to move to NYC and be part of it…blahblahblah. Cliche number 3. Back at the hamster house, the girls are too het up to sleep, and are talking about the events of the day from their bunks. This is the opening for Sandra to call them all stupid and tell them to shut it, because she is trying to sleep. Cliche number 4. (See? If we were doing shots, we’d be pretty fried by now.

    The next morning finds the girls in Central Park for a photo shoot. NYC cliche number 5. Mr. Jay rolls up on a bicycle wearing a sort of Robo-Cop bike suit. Tyra’s cause of the year is “girls growing up too fast, or, teens just want to have babies” and so the shoot will explore children’s games, played by adult little girls, with bad girls in the background. Yeah. Awful as it sounds. Our photographer is Fadil Barisha. Fo is jazzed, because she is a pre-school teacher, and she can rock the ring around the rosie. Is it just me, or does that sound really dirty? LondonComeToJesus does a tug of war and face-plants in the mud. Tahlia is stiff at tag. Sandra is stiff and stiffer. Animat does a London Bridge while Sandra trash talks her. Nijah has musical chairs. AllisonKeaneTheLemur does some double dutch and fears that the jump ropes will decapitate her. No such luck. Wind In Her Face plays hop scotch. Celia works a hula hoop. Isabella has no clue about dodge ball, and looks like she’s playing volley ball, and Mr. Jay laments that the more he directs her, the worse she gets. Jessica has never played jacks, and Sandra announces that she’s not going home because she was so fly on the runway and she always looks good in pictures. Cliche number 6, aka Hubris.

    Finally and at last we get to panel. Sandra is up first and denies that she stopped short on the runway. Tyra talks about her talk show and the horrible, no-good fact that when they did a survey (of girls who watch Tyra’s show) that one in five teen girls wants to be a teen mom. Ewww. And by the way? Sandra, your hide and see shot sucks. Celia looks good at panel, and even though she is older than dirt, and hardly commercial, her hula hoop shot is right out of 17 magazine. Fo. Aminat has to take off the earrings that are the size of bracelets. LondonComeToJesus is rocking a leopard print jacket and some wild-ass hair. She is asked to remove the one and tone down the other, and then revealed to have taken a good shot. Jessica’s shot shows her good angles, but has nothing to do with jacks. Actually, most of the girls are all in the same jumping in the air pose, that, if memory serves me well, was called a “stag jump” among high school cheerleaders. Wind In Her Face has a great shot for hop scotch. Isabella is soundly dissed by Nigel. Nijah’s musical chairs looks more like hop scotch. Kortnie is too majorette. AllisonKeaneTheLemur is praised for looking like a puzzled alien. Tahlia’s tag is another stag jump majorette shot and Natalie is told to take off the little brow band she’s wearing. This leaves a red groove in her forhead and Nigel explains that is precisely why a model doesn’t wear shit like that to go-sees and castings. DUH.

    Send out the clones and evaluate the herd. Sandra looks lost. Fo is cute, but has no neck. Animat is brilliant on the runway, but is she a one-note model? They’ve taken two pictures and she’s the same in both. LondonComeToJesus has lousy proportions. Jessica relies on “pretty” (Cliche number 7) Wind In Her Face gets her nickname. Isabella disappears in person (Cliche number 8, and we are now drooling drunk, or would be if we’d played shots). Nijah hasn’t had enough face time to say anything witty about her. Kortnie is charming, but not going to win. AllisonKeanetheLemur is “otherworldly”, by which we mean disturbingly alien to look at. Tahlia wants to be a role model, but can she be a model model. And Natalie has potential, but has taken bad pictures.

    Photos go to: AllisonKeanetheLemur, who had the (unanimously) best picture, which make MizShoes think that maybe the judges were playing the shot game. She walks back to the pack, and Tyra teases her that she must never have watched the show, because she’s supposed to go to the other side. There is much hilarity over this error, which reinforces the whole drinking thing. And the rest of the pictures go, in order, to: Fo, Wind In Her Face, LondonComeToJesus, Celia, Nijah, Kortnie, Natalie, Animat, Tahlia and Jessica. Isabella gets lost on set. Sandra is Miss Jay’s biggest disappointment. Who stays? Who goes? Oh, come on. Like there is even a question? Epilepsy-law-suit-waiting-to-happen goes home, and Miss Thang Beeyotch stays. At least until they go to their foreign destination, because she brings the drama llama. Isabella gives a very composed and gracious exit interview.

    Next week? Drama, bad photos and a girl fight.


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