Project Runway: Miz Shoes Reviews

Episode three offered us a plethora of cliches from which to choose:

1. It's a dog's life.
2. Going to the dogs.
3. Walkin' the dog.
4. Dog eat dog.
5. Every dog has his day.
6. What a bitch. (oops, maybe not)
7. Dog in the manger
8. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

That last would be Laura, whom I do so want to adore, and yet, conversely, whom I am coming to loathe for the very same pretentiousness and twee that so appeals.

To be specific, when she thought that the year's hottest fashion accessory was going to be a horse (!?!), she immediately changed into riding boots and jodphers. She had riding boots and jodphers in her Louis Vuitton cases when she moved into the Atlas? She, or the producers, are definitely streching the limits of my credulity with that one. But. It's Laura, so, maybe she did.

When she found out that the accessory is a micro dog, she got all squeamish and put it in a purse so that she wouldn't have to touch it. She has five kids, and she can't physically touch a dog? Puh-leeeze. That dog has got to have a better pedigree than her kids, and is certainly as clean (if not cleaner) than an under-5-year-old boy.

Which brings us to the subject of old dogs/new tricks. Her design, while yes, very chic and all, looked almost exactly like her cocoon coat with the giant fur collar from episode one. And her palette seems to be all down there in the white/beige/grey/tan/ecru/mushroom/taupe/toast/greige neighborhood of totally boring. If she doesn't come up with another shape and some real color in the next challenge, I see her leaving sooner than later.

As for the little bitch fight between her and Keith? Excuse me while I snore, even through her painful attempt at a little ghetto-tude while explaining that she was protecting her man. Or boy. Or what ever.

I loved Kayne's ensemble, and his matching little doggie cape. The model's coat alone was a masterpiece of construction, with the lining made from the skirt material. I thought he should have won, since his was the most matchy-matchy of all the designs, and seemingly the most meticulously made.

Robert is still going through Barbie withdrawal, I think, what with the treacly pink boucle. Still, he nailed it perfectly when he said he was going for a Jackie O slash Barbie look. His little dog suit, with the constructed slot for the leash/halter was also perfectly acceptable.

Uli's look is another one-hit wonder. Again with the rope straps. She stole the back from Vincent's Miss USA (not Miss America as I said last week. RJ was outraged that I didn't know the difference between Miss America and Miss USA. Hey, I have enough addictions, pageants are not one of them. So sue me.) The three tapering bands going to the middle of the lower back? The very features that Miss Vera Wang and Miss USA loved the most about Vincent's olive green slip.

I will grant Uli major color sense and an ability to do pattern on pattern as well as the masters of the form: kimono designers. But how many times can I see a rope neck and a halter top before I spew?

Katy made the perfect little dog hoodie. Was there a dress too? I didn't notice.

Alison's piece was edgy and hip, I could see (and I'm sorry to have to say this... I may have to punish myself) the Dread Paris Hilton trotting around in it with her matching little rat dog. Of course, it was much too long for Paris, seeing as how one couldn't see the models "pink stuff", and we know that would never do for Paris. And the material wasn't trashy or see through or a horrible color, so that would have to be redone. But if you squint enough, you could see Paris wearing that.

Vincent's design was deadly dull, and his affection for odd hats and large sunglasses is beginning to pale for me. I think I'm the last person in all of PR fandom to actually have a soft spot for Vinnie the Tool, but, hell. He may be a burn out, but he's my kind of burn out. The hat on the dog actually made me laugh a little. The part where the dog did the catwalk rubbing his head the whole way, trying to get the damn hat OFF was fulling entertaining, and exactly what one wants from one's reality TV.

Michael's set of matching dresses was under represented. We didn't see him sketch, shop or sew. There was no lingering camera work. I for one wanted to see more of that. What was up with the interwoven neckline pieces? How did that work? What kind of fabric was he working with? Why don't we get more of Michael? And was that little doggie in the matching dress not adorable?

Bradley. What can we say about Bradley? He needs a shower. He needs to shave. We saw all that trauma of Bradley not getting anything together, (and who needed that claptrap? I would rather have seen Michael.) only to have the judges rave on the runway. And over what, exactly? A blue and gold version of Daniel V's "orchid inspiration" from last season. That bubble/balloon top over a pencil skirt? Pardon me while I stiffle a Very. Big. Yawn. I hated it when Daniel V did it, and it isn't making me any more appreciative this year.

Jeffrey did another raggy, asymetrical, overly long-sleeved schmata. Done and done again. For such a freakazoid ("All I know about pageants is Jon-Benet Ramsey"? EWWWW) he really doesn't have much in the way of an out of the box vision. Maybe it's the pin-point pupils that make it hard to have one.

Finally, I come to Angela and Keith. Holy shit. Which one of those two assholes is bigger? Keith, he of the My-Shit-Don't-Stink Brotherhood, or Angela, I-have-a-story? A story? Angela had an entire series of American Girl books in her head. Or not. Maybe not American Girl, maybe more like Nancy Drew on bad acid. Which could also explain her designs.

Keith refused to dress the dog. Flatly refused to participate in the challenge. "MY girl doesn't dress her dog like a baby doll. MY girl has an exotic breed and it doesn't NEED any dressing up." Well allrighty, then. Which was a pity, because that dress really was a magnificent piece of work, and even making a wide collar out the orange fabric would have been an acceptable solution to the challenge. But no. He refused to play with others. Heidi and Nina were not happy. Miss Vera Wang was not happy. Did we get to hear Ivanka Trump tell him "you're fired?" (Admit it, that would have been great.) No. They sent poor lumpy Katy home, and she at least dressed the dog. In a HOODIE! This refusal to participate really made me miss Michael Kors. You just know that he would have ripped Keith's head off and (figuratively) pissed down his bloody neck stump. Sigh.

Let me see if I can relate Angela's opium dream. It went something like this. My girl is an English headmistress at a summer art camp for children. In Paris. And she's throwing a big picnic for her dog's birthday. The children are very young, 5-8. (Question: if she's English, are the children English, too? Because I think even the Brits would balk at sending junior to sleep away camp in Paris at that tender age.) So Angela made a million billion little hand-stitched yo-yos and applied them on a purple version of her ubiquitous bubble skirt. (Ditto for doggie shirt). This skirt, unlike Alison's entry, WAS short enough for Paris-the-girl. Hardly what a British headmistress (even at an art camp in Paris-the-city) should be wearing while out with the tykes. It had a blouse. The blouse was sleeveless, belly-bareing, and breast exposing. Hardly what a British headmistress (even at an art camp in Paris-the-city) should be wearing while out with the tykes.

The fact that even Ivanka Trump knew that it was inappropriate attire says a whole fucking lot. And Nina gave the unhappy "We are concerned about your taste level" statement that does, and should, send ice coursing through the veins of the designers. Miss Vera Wang looked like she would have been happy to send Angela back to the "off the grid" organic farm she lives on. Again, I have to ask, where was Michael Kors when we needed him?

Until next week, keep your scissors sharpened.