There’s a Thorn Tree in the Garden

We open in the Atlas, where Korto is brushing her teeth in the kitchenette sink. Ewww. Not nice. And I love Korto, but still. In the kitchen sink? Leanne offers an interview wherein she says that Kenley should have been gone a long time ago, for her stank attitude, disrespectful demeanor and all around general rudeness to the world. And because she can’t design, either.

Kenley, however, interviews that Leanne is a bitch who threw her under a bus in the last challenge by not working/selling her garment on the runway and making Kenley look like a fool. The Number Three Surrogate Daughter and I agree that Kenley can do that just fine without any help from anyone. Kenley uses the word sabotage, even. Sabotage, from the French sabot, for the wooden shoes the mill workers threw in the machinery during the Industrial Revolution, to break the mechanical looms and retain their jobs. This ends today’s language lesson.

Jerell is sitting on the floor in what used to be the boys’ dorm, alone except for his Tim Gunn bobble head doll, and the two apples he’s named Joe and Suede. He holds the Suede apple and talks in the third person: “Suede wants you to do well today, Jerell.” As he leaves, he reminds the fruit not to rot on the counter while he’s gone. Oh, Jerell.

At Parson’s there is another model swap non-event, as Korto keeps Katarina and Seveera is sent away in her slip. Tim is waiting for the remaining designers in the lobby, as there is yet another (or last) field trip. This one finds the designers in the New York Botanical Garden, where they meet Collier Strong, lead makeup artist for Loreal Paris. He tells them that the textures and colors of nature are the inspiration for some line of cosmetics or another, and that their final challenge will be to design an evening gown inspired by nature. Specifically, the nature in the New York Botanical Garden. They get a digital camera, and an hour.

Jerell wanders around and finds a bed of purple and fuchsia roses. He’s happy. Leanne wanders around surrounded by bees. She’s not happy, but she takes lovely photos of out of focus lavender flowers. They aren’t Lavender flowers, they are merely the color lavender. Korto finds a spot that has flowers that reminds her of her mother’s garden in Africa. The flowers are spiky and range in color from cadmium orange to lemon yellow, all on the same spike. She says that she’s going to win this challenge for her momma. Kenley declares that this is her challenge because she is all about color (and ugly floral prints). She crows and caws her usual line of drivel about being the best.

Back at Parsons, the designers have 30 minutes to pick their inspirational photo. They will have 2 days to sew, and a budget of $250 to spend at Mood. Korto is using her Flamenco flower, and Jerell his roses. Kenley alone has chosen something that is not a flower. She’s focused on a purple coleus, and has a photo of a cluster of leaves. At Mood, she bolts off looking for tulle (of course) and then finds what she says is the “perfect” fabric to represent her leaves: a fuchsia fake lizard skin. It is a literal depiction of the texture in the coleus.

Korto is sweating because she has no background in evening wear. Well, she never made men’s pants before she won with her punk look for Suede, so take heart, Korto. Leanne is sketching a tiered effect using a softer, more draped version of her flaps and noodles. Kenley panics when she realizes that she left her bag of tulle at Mood. Tulle. Who the fuck uses tulle except wedding dress makers and ballet costumers? Kenley. Kenley uses it like bad cooks use salt: everywhere and in everything.

As it happens, both Korto and Jerell have tulle that neither of them is going to use. But, you know? Karma is a bitch, just like Kenley, and neither Korto nor Jerell have any intention of letting Kenley get her hands on a square inch of it. Jerell amuses himself by leaving his piles of tulle on clear display on his work table.

DAY TWO

Jerell comes into the girls’ dorm to say hi and ask Korto to give him a smokey eye. In the workroom, Kenley asks Jerell if his tulle is for sale, and he grins and says nopey. Tim discovers Kenley’s shortage, and tells her that she can hot foot it back to Mood on her own time to get her tulle, if she needs it. But for now, it’s models and fittings. We see Leanne and her soft periwinkle blue fabric. Kenley is using her faux snakeskin to make a basic tube dress.

Collier comes in and discusses the models’ makeup designs. Kenley wants a dark, dramatic eye. Jerell gets to use lime green on the eye, and purple on the lips. Korto is going gold and glowy, and Leanne delicate and flower-like. Sweet. Jerell and Korto are nose to nose and toes to toes, giggling and sharing a moment. Kenley is sitting by herself. She interviews that she’s alone. The other designers are bonding, and she’s all by herself. It’s been like this her whole life. She doesn’t know why.

Hey, Kenley? The reason it’s been like this your whole life is because you are the nastiest, meanest, rudest little snot-nosed bitch to ever grace reality teevee. Really. You make Puck look like a saint.

Kenley goes on to say that her daddy was a tug boat captain, and she spent her childhood out at sea. Raised by sea wolves? Anyway, she says, she can’t help it. “I am who I am.” You know? Sometimes, it’s just too easy. My notes say: “Insert Popeye joke here.” I’m guessing that Swee’ Pea turned out to be the bastard child of Olive Oyl and Bluto, and now she’s here on Project Runway.

Tim comes in for his walkabout, and begins with Korto. Talk to me about the lace. It’s all sleek and 2008 in the front and Catherine the Great in the back. Resolve the lace, Korto.

Kenley announces that she loves her dress. Tim is so over Kenley. He says that the bottom looks like fish scales. Kenley is delighted to hear that. Tim reminds her that this was a botanical challenge and not an oceanic. Kenley hears “blah, blah, blah, Kenley, blah, blah, blah” and is thrilled that Tim has praised her work so highly.

Jerell’s dress has the potential to knock everyone’s socks off. But it needs refining and work. Of Leanne’s dress, Tim says, and I quote: “Blerg.” He calls it Hello, Dolly. As he leaves, he tells the remaining four that he’s immensely proud of them and to work, work, work. Instead, they all cry, cry, cry. The pressure has finally gotten to them all. Leanne’s crying over how much work she has left to do. She’s wanted to show at Fashion Week since she was 12.

DAY OF SHOW

We see Jerell ironing his clothes, and dress in a towel. Now he’s crying. Korto is praying and crying. The only one not crying is Kenley, and that’s because she’s too busy saying that she hates everyone else and their work sucks, too. In short, her opinion is that she doesn’t like anything Korto does. Jerell throws a bunch of glamorous shit together and it looks like crafts projects and Leanne does pleated details. Hofuckinghum, seen it all before.

Whereas, nobody’s done retro WWII dresses, ever.

Leanne is still sniveling that this isn’t going to be her best work. Korto is stressing. And with that, we hit the runway. Tonight’s guest judge is Georgina Chapman, founder and designer for Marchesa.

Korto’s dress is, well, uh, boring, actually. Leanne’s lavender is interesting and asymmetrical, but the dark blue fishtail in the back looks like an afterthought. Jerell’s dress is draped and fitted in the front (albeit frighteningly low across the bust) and has a sac back. There are layers of color in the front. Kenley has stuck a little black patent leather belt around the waist of her dress. It is a simple, skin-tight tube with cut-away armholes. At the bottom are layers of flaps with satin edging. It looks a lot like my Barbie doll’s Solo in the Spotlight dress.

Beginning with Leanne, the judges are impressed with her work. The bodice is great, says Chapman. NinaGarcia says that it’s feminine and soft. Michael Kors is distracted by the dark blue bustle (See?) and Heidi says that the dress is pretty.

Korto’s flamenco flower dress is dismissed as “pageant” by Michael and Heidi. NinaGarcia thinks that it’s overworked, and not sophisticated. Korto tried too hard to impress the judges, and lost her taste.

Jerell’s dress makes Heidi want to jump up on the runway and hike the girl’s bodice up about 4 inches. NinaGarcia finds it “messy but youthful”. Chapman asks what Jerell would have done with extra time to make the workmanship better.

And then there’s Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong. Georgina says that it isn’t organic. NinaGarcia says that it looks like a reptile (and as Kenley interrupts to say thanks for the compliment, you get me, you really get me) NinaGarcia continues her sentence with “and not in a good way. It is not young or hip or cool at all.” Michael Kors tells Kenley that it’s clichéd and she tells him it isn’t. Heidi remarks that the dress isn’t very elegant, and Kenley snarls that “I wasn’t GOING for elegant, HEIDI.” It is truly an amazing performance. The amount of self-satisfaction combined with complete and utter incapacity for criticism and knowing one’s place is stunning.

So. Heidi asks the final question of each designer: Why you, and who else do you think should show at Bryant Park? Jerell is up first, and cries and cries and gets all twitterpated, and finally arrives at the answer that he should be joined by Korto and Leanne because the retro thing that Kenley does is old. Kenley interrupts him to bitch at him and Jerell stops crying long enough to tell her to stuff a sock in it and she’ll get her own turn to speak. Yeah for Jerell.

Leanne promises not to be boring and wants to see Jerell and Korto with her, because they are at the same level of talent, unlike Kenley who only has the same old same old. Korto wants to show because she’s the oldest of the designers and she wants to prove that it’s never too late to achieve a dream and she wants to show a little of her cultural heritage. And yeah, Leanne and Jerell are really sweet human beings with really fine designs and should be the other designers in the tent.

Needless to say, none of this sits well with our little nest of vipers, and Kenley shits on Korto the most, saying that her work is boring and although she would personally, rather not see any of the others at Bryant Park, if forced to choose, she’d grudgingly accept Leanne and Jerell.

The judges agree that this was not the best show of the year. NinaGarcia makes a face that matches the “blerg” Tim uttered in the workroom. Georgina Chapman says that she would like to see more of Leanne’s work, and that she finds Jerell’s work intriguing. There are concerns about his finishing techniques, but his point of view is young and exciting.

Korto’s final dress was too pageanty and clichéd, but her workmanship is impeccable. Her color sense is also applauded. Kenley? Not so much. Chapman says that she saw nothing of Kenley’s promise or the style that the other judges swore she had. And then Miss Kors delivers. Forget what her clothes look like, he says. She’s rude. Can you imagine her if a buyer said he didn’t like a sleeve? What would she do? Take a knife out and kill him?

With that we cut to the last freaking Bluefly commercial of the show and I truly, deeply hope that smug bitch gets some clothes before next season.

Heidi tells the designers that this was the closest runway they’ve judged in 5 seasons. Only three will compete at Fashion Week. Leanne and Jerell had the highest scores, and Jerell squeaks by with the win. All four designers must go home and create a collection, and all four are still in the running. The final three will be determined when they come back to New York for Fashion Week. This means that Jerell can still be eliminated.

Backstage, Tim calls for a group hug. Kenley interviews that it’s annoying that the other designers hate her, but it just makes her want to beat them into the dirt. This attitude may be why they (and we) hate you so, Kenley. You are a rude, insensitive, self-absorbed skank bitch. And your designs suck, too.

One last preview shows Jerell, Korto and Leanne sitting together in the hotel as they return for Fashion Week. Kenley is heard in voice over saying that it isn’t worth even talking to the others, because she’s never going to see any of them ever again.

You know? Probably not so. For sure you’ll be trotted out together for reunion shows, and guest appearances. And if, as you all so deeply desire, you make it in the fashion world, it’s a pretty small circle. Most likely scenario is that you will see them and they will cut you cold. Like the flounder you are.

Next week? It’s Erev Yom Kippur, you idiots! I’m going to have to go to RJ’s as soon as services let out, because she’s the one with TIVO.