Warning: This Post Contains Graphic Imagery

I was in training for the past two whole days, and as a result, exhausted. The RLA took me out to dinner last night as a reward. Our first choice was an excellent little family-owned Middle Eastern restaurant. I was looking forward to the tardig. We sat down in the pleasantly uncrowded dining room and started to review the menu.

And then it started. (Warning: do not read further if you have a weak stomach.)
There was this noise. It was coming from the table to my left, and directly across from the RLA. It sounded like... I don't know what. It was definitely WET. Slurpy. At first, I thought maybe the man behind me was blowing his nose. But the sound went on and on and on and on. Much longer than possible for a nose blow. And it was so WET, so bubbling, so liquid and viscous at the same time. And I couldn't tell if it was a noise from going in or going out.

It sounded a little like someone was eating oysters on the half shell. Very liquid oysters. Not on the half shell so much as maybe on a saucer full of brine, and they were trying to slurp up all the brine, while holding the oyster at bay with their tongue. Wet. Slurpy. Bubbly, yet slimy.

Then the noise stopped, and I looked around to see what was on that table, but I couldn't quite make out anything out of the ordinary. I went back to my menu.


What. The. Fuck. I turned around again, and the man at the table seemed to be moving his head back and forth like he was.... sucking something off a plate? But I couldn't see a plate. I finally asked the RLA, who was facing him.... What in G-d's name is he eating? What the hell makes that kind of disgusting noise?

The RLA turned a lovely shade of gray-green, and said:

"That's his nose. He's blowing his nose."

Except blowing isn't the right word. Having very, very extended, very, very wet, slurping sort of burbling exhale like you might hear in a movie if the alien had gotten it through the lungs but wasn't quite dead yet and was coming after the hero at a gallop is a better description, but still misses the unholy horror of that noise.

The RLA and I looked at each other and bolted. I don't know if I'll ever be able to eat there again.

We went to a new Cuban restaurant over on Dixie Highway, and I marched off to the loo to wash my hands. When I came back, I almost fainted, because, sitting at the next table was a man almost identical in appearance to the disgusting noise man. I looked at the RLA and he just shook his head. Nope. Not the same guy, just a little too much synchronicity and coincidence in the universe.

The pan con lechon was delicious.
Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 05/16 at 12:48 PM in Demand Civility Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 05/16 at 12:48 PM in What the Fuck is Wrong With You People

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