Take everybody in charge to a spa. It's my deep felt belief that if you forced all our world leaders to a really good spa, gave them all manicures, pedicures and facials, that you could end warfare. Who can feel like dropping a bomb when they've had their pores steam cleaned with lavendar and sage? Or had their feet massaged with coco butter and exfolitaing salts, followed by a hot towel wrap... well, I should say.

Give Saddam a facial and a foot massage and he'd be putty in the hands of the next diplomat to come by.

Please note: this is what passes for humor. Do not send me e-mail calling me an idiot and a freak. Do not take this to mean that I really believe this is a viable plan for world peace. If you can't stand the jokes, stay out of the blogosphere.

Thanks.

Here in my office (and I use the term loosely to describe the institution) there is a game we play. Who can get out the last e-mail of the day, or the last phone message. Here's how it goes. Just before you leave, say at 4:45, you fire off an e-mail that requires action on the part of the receiver. The next morning, you check to see if the person read the message yet. If not, then they left earlier than you did and you can continue the game by either: sending another e-mail, or calling the person. If they aren't yet in, then you can have even more pleasure by letting them know that you A) work later and B) come in earlier.

It doesn't matter if the job that needs to be done has been sitting on your desk for a week or two. What matters is that you got in the last e-mail of the day.

The spoiler to this game is when the person not only receives the message, but does the work, and sends you an e-mail back with a time stamp of something hellish like 7 pm.

It's almost 5 and I just got tagged. Someone from purchasing sent a report that needs to be converted to a PDF and placed on the web site. If I don't do it now, then tomorrow morning I'll get another nastygram, insinuating that I'm not doing my job. If I do it now, I'll be late for a board meeting on the other end of town.

I'm going to the board meeting. But I'm going to throw a high stick here and tell purchasing that I got their request and will do it in the morning. That way they can't complain. Well, they can, but I responded, so neener neener.

It's the end of the world as we know it, it's the end of the world.....

Or not. Just because America is going to do the unthinkable and start World War III. Or maybe just the Millennial Crusades. You know what? This is just too depressing for me to find any humor, no matter how sick, dark or twisted I let myself get.

I'm going over to my other blog, the PeaceBlog Project, and do some ranting, instead.

Last night: TV was on and I was doing a little hand sewing. I hear Bob Dylan's voice and music coming from the TV. I look up. It's an ad for Victoria's Secret.

I shake my head and check the contents of my glass, but no. I am sober and I am straight and that is Bob Dylan being used to advertise women's lingerie. For the past 30 years my friends have ridiculed me for my lewd fantasies involving me and the Bob. Is it possible that someone out there in advertising land thinks that 61-year-old skank is sexy? And sold the concept to a multi-million dollar industry that is, essentially, selling sexual fantasy? Because, let's be honest, Vicky's Secret makes stuff that barely fits and doesn't last. Bob Dylan? Sexual fantasy? To someone other than me?

Frightening. Very, very frightening. Disturbing, even.

Today on the train, I saw a new low in public grooming. A man. Shaving. Not once, but at least three times during the trip, this older gentleman (and I use the term sarcastically) took out an electric shaver and ran it across his face.

Is he obessive-compulsive, that he needed to do this more than once? He looked pretty close-shaven when he got on the train. Does he have Alzheimer's and just forgot that he'd already shaved? Three times?

I gave him the gaze of arched eyebrow and disdain for public grooming. He gave me a cheery smile. I fished for my camera, but he finished before I could get off a shot.

Bob? Dylan? Victoria's Secret salesman?

What a world, what a world.

Not me, personally. We're doing O.K., thanks. But I'm behind in my fundraising. I'm on the Board of Directors of an AIDS service organization, and it's time for the annual AIDS Walk. On beautiful South Beach.

First of all, you need to know this about me: I do not break a sweat for anybody. I despise "Walks". I don't walk for MS, for breast cancer, for the March of Dimes, for the zoological society.

But I do walk for AIDS. I walk because I have lost so very many friends to this disease. I walk as a member of the team comprised of the Board Members of Care Resource. Care Resource is the oldest & largest HIV/AIDS service agency in Florida. Since 1983, more than 60 million people worldwide have become infected, including 28 million who have already died. 15 of those who have died were friends of mine. Two of those were brothers, and friends of mine from childhood. Scotty and Richard Neail. Others were friends from college. Others from work.

The majority of those newly infected are under the age of 25. Florida continues to have the 3rd highest incidence of reported cases in the nation and Dade & Broward counties rank 1 & 2 respectively in the State. While new treatments allow people to live longer there is still no cure and Care Resource?s ability to meet the increased demands on its resources is strained.

I implore you to support me as I participate in the 15th Annual AIDS WALK MIAMI ? RUN, WALK, BLADE FOR THE CURE on April 13TH. You can do this by joining me on the walk or sponsoring my walk.

Through the support of volunteers and contributors like you, 86% of each dollar raised goes directly to our programs and services offered free of charge to the community affected by HIV/AIDS. The 15th Annual AIDS WALK MIAMI helps finance important programs that Care Resource offers like the Riccardia Family Program, YouthNet, Care Management and Partners in Faith Program.

Please follow this link to go to my Walk page, and make a pledge of support. Any amount is appreciated. Thank you for helping me honor my fallen friends.

Oh, all right. I'll make it interesting for you. The page has a photo of me. A racy! photo of me. And if you all pledge enough money, I will wear what I have on in the photo to actually walk. And if you help me reach DOUBLE my goal, I'll even post photos of me in this outrageous condition, actually walking!! In the Florida heat. On South Beach. In my flower-covered bustier.

Now. Click. Pledge. Raise money.

Lynne

If looks could kill, today I would be surrounded by little piles of ash. I would unleash the sneering face of scorn and death on those around me.

What do you mean the Herald has a calendar of events with information in it that I never gave you for the web? Send me a link to the paper.

I don't know what they would do without me. Can't even find the freaking Miami Herald web site and a calendar. Of course, navigation on the Herald's site could be dificult. After all, clicking on Local Section - Neighbors might take you anywhere. Not just to the section it says it'll link to. And from there, to find a calendar link? Well, you might have to look and read. Much easier to demand that the information be driven right to your fat, lazy nose.

Really. Maybe I should have just stayed home today where I could stay out of trouble.