Mar 23rd, 2007

Miz Shoes Reviews: ANTM

So it’s week four or five already, huh? How time flies whether you’re having fun or not. I know that I missed reviewing the make-over episode, but that was because it was so boring and lame that I just didn’t care. Well, except about Jael, who got the bad make-over, complete with do-over (Tyra changed her mind. Sorry about the pain of getting a weave and the eight hours in the chair. We’re just going to cut everything off and dye your hair brown.) And then she found out one of her friends O.D.d. And then they made her get naked and frolic with ice cream.

This week, however, there is much more going on in the house. What things, you may ask? Well, to start with Renee has decided not to be a bitch any more. (Or any less, either, but it’s the thought that counts.) To that end, she draws a really nasty picture of Jael in a straight jacket, but see? The sleeves aren’t fastened, so that makes it a positive drawing. I know, right?

Jael, sweet but gently bewildered thing that she is (but is she a sistah solja, beautiful bi-racial butterfly?) takes the drawing and pretends to loves it so much that she sticks it up on a shelf with some Asian dog or pig or cat or something.

There is some house action which I cannot remember, mainly because these hamsters are so unforgettable. But then they all pile into the big, vulgar, gas-guzzling Hummer and go for a ride to a park. The limo is stopped by a police person who is directing traffic like s/he’s a Bahamian tourist-trap photo-op…on crack. S/he then executes a couple of John Cleese funny walks and admits that s/he’s not really a traffic cop. Yeah. What was our first clue? (Of course the hamsters all thought it was a real traffic stop. Or at least Renee did.) Turns out s/he’s Benny Ninja of the House of Ninja, and">POTES’; dream comes true as one of the founders of vogueing and one of the stars (I think) of Paris Is Burning comes to ANTM and attempts to show the girls (and Jaslene) how to pose. And let me say right now that Ninja beats the pants off the contortionist from last season. He immediately pairs the girls (and Jaslene) up and has them do a muthafuggin’ face-off. Renee is unfortunately not awful. In fact, most of them are not awful. It’s sort of disappointing.

They next have to put their lessons to the test by vogueing their way through one of those LAY-zer mazes/theft deterrent devices so popular in movies like Mission Improbable. And then, the most wonderful thing happens.

Renee confessionalizes that she rilly, rilly needs the prize (a $40 THOUSAND dollar diamond bracelet) because she and her husband (and, one supposes, the son about whom she Would.Not.Shut.Up. in epi one, and whom we have not heard the first word about since) are dead broke and all but eating out of dumpsters and living in their car and she rilly, rilly wants to win to help out her family.

Now, in the world that I live in, helping your family financially means things like, oh, I don’t know, taking a stab here, GETTING A FUCKING JOB! Or, you know, WORKING! Or even sucking it up and going to one of those federal job training programs where you end up with a skill and A JOB!!! But I suppose going on a television reality show is better than using the lottery as your retirement plan. I guess. Maybe. Possibly.

So. Off they go, one at a time, with ole’ Benny Ninja sitting behind a table with a video screen and a big ass buzzer and every time the girl (or Jaslene) breaks a laser beam, he hits that buzzer and makes them go back to the beginning. One by one, with various skill levels (who knew that Dionne-the-Dentist could drop a split like that? Sure made Benny Ninja’s jaw drop. Jael has fun. Sara does good. Natasha makes a few errors but still gets to the end before running out of time. Every single girl goes through and gets a key to a jewel box…even the plus sized girls make it through the limbo sticks. The last girl up is Renee. Our Lady of the Perpetual Whine proceeds to blow it. Totally. Doesn’t finish. Doesn’t get a key. Doesn’t get 40K of bling to pay off her family’s debts and buy her son food. And there goes her resolution to be nice. Bwahahahahahaha. Sorry. Whitney (one of the plus girls, and I’m beginning to think all the speculation about this being a plus sized girl’s season to win may be true) takes home the ice. She notes that although she has taken a semester off from Dartmouth (take that, you skanks) to do this (and she’s not on financial aid) she thinks that she’ll keep the bracelet rather than using it to pay back her pops the 9K she’s costing him by being on TV. To which I say, you go girl. Props to you. And also? My daddy was from West Palm Beach, so way to represent.

The girls and Jaslene go back to the house and Renee gets on the phone and proceeds to have a break down, calling her husband and crying that she doesn’t want to be there any more, and he should come and get her, and all the other girls (and Jaslene) are just awful beeyotchs who can’t hold her crusty undies (Hey! Where’s Moooonique, now? She could teach you something about crusty undies.) and so on and on and on and on and on and on…. until a couple of the other girls (who, I’d like to note are smoking like chimneys this season, much more so than previously) notice that 1)Renee’s not around, and 2) she’s actually hogging up all the phone time. The usual confrontation occurs, and Renee breaks her resolve to be nice (I’m SHOCKED!).

The next scene is the week’s photo shoot. Sur-prize, sur-prize sur-prize, in what must certainly be nothing more than a co-inkydink, this week’s theme is “Death By…” (Sort of like season whatever when Kahlen’s friend gacked and they had to go be the seven deadly sins in the bottom of a grave. The only saving grace here is that they don’t actually make Jael portray an O.D. So.

Renee is up first as death by poisoning, and does unfortunately well. Jay raves. The photographer raves. I rage that they didn’t actually poison the bitch. Renee smugly tells Jay not to tell the other girls how well she did, because they all hate her. Too late. Why, he asks, all innocence and shit. Renee leans into his little apricot-like ear and whispers coyly, “Because I’m a bitch.” Well, alright then.

We get stabbing and shooting (really creepy) and throwing off a building and tossing down the stairs (again… just like I didn’t understand why there was both a bad girl and a ho in high school, I don’t understand why getting thrown from a roof is dynamically different from getting tossed down the stairs, but that’s why I’m not art directing these shoots.) Natasha (who, by the way, did get the Boris and Natasha make over, schnort) is drowned. There is death by electrocution and death by vivisection, death by strangulation and death by (I just looked on the WC site and it seems that three girls got tossed to their deaths…)getting thrown off another building.

The hamsters are all a little skeeved by the realistic make up. Jay is disappointed by Jael’s sadness and poor performance and claims that he didn’t know about her dead friend. I’m a little skeeved by the whole death is fashion thing. I thought that sort of misogeny went out of vogue (HA! Get it?)with Helmut Newton back in the 80s. (Oh, shit. Those terrible 80s again. Will that decade never die?)

At judging, the choice comes down to Dionne who is beautiful but doesn’t know what to do with it and Felicia (aka Baby Tyra) who is just coasting on being pretty and looking (Tyra finally admits) like Tyra. Big surprise, Baby Tyra goes home.

Next week? I’ve already forgotten the teaser. I’m sure it’ll be fabulous, though. Especially if we could fire Miss Jay and hire Benny Ninja.