Oct 5th, 2006

ANTM: Miz Shoes Reviews

It's Week Three with the bitches and the hos over at ANTM, and that means RUNWAY training with the ever-draggier Miss Jay. It was also the week that made me ask more questions (other than, tell me why, again, do I watch this train wreck?) than any previous season. So, why do I watch?
1.) Because it IS a train wreck
2.) Because Miss Jay just keeps getting draggier
3.) Because Mr. Jay just keeps getting orangier and bitchier and I hope he'll finally slap someone
4.) All of the above and

HOW, after seven seasons, can they still find girls who want to be runway models and yet have never learned how to walk in high heels? I'm not talking the Wind In Your Hair, I Am Camille And THIS is My Signature Horse Stomp. I'm talking a pair of stillettos. I'm talking your run of the mill Payless pumps. I mean, people, come on. Shouldn't you somehow be in training if you are going to apply to ANTM? It's not like you don't know the high heels are coming, after all.

But stumble they do, as they first try to walk a tightrope in the (literal) dark and then trot over cobblestone in the figurative dark as they don evening wear, spike heels and Mardi Gras masks the next day.

How sad a statement about me is it that I actually can see some validity to the exercise of a tightrope? I mean, it forces you to put one foot in front of the other (as opposed to the pigeon toes and duck walks of some of the contestants natural gaits), it forces you to have good posture and to look straight ahead instead of at your feet. Why in the dark? Who knows. Good video, maybe.

The next morning, after making some completely idiotic guesses about what the Tyra Mail meant (something about toeing a line and they're all like "OOOH, ooh, I know. It means we have to design our own clothing) they head out to a random location with uneven, but highly photogenic, cobblestones and are asked to walk a straight line (which has been indicated with duct tape). Our guest star walker is Bree from some previous season (frankly they are all starting to blur together for me, and, I think, for the judges and staff). I remember she was particularly annoying, and I don't remember her walk as being anything special, but I guess she was available. Hmmm. Top model, anyone? Anyone?

AJ proves to be the most adept at putting one foot in front of the other, and wins the challenge. The prize is actually very cool: she and two friends get to walk in a charity fashion show in Austin, Texas. But not just any old charity fashion show, the Dennis Quaid (aka ex Mr. Meg Ryan, and former total hottie if you are old enough to remember The Big Easy or the video he did with the always fabulous Miss Bonnie Raitt) old charity fashion show. AJ also proves to be a bitch in a good way when she picks Caridee and Megg (ROCK & ROLL!!!! head bang, hair toss) and not the totally begging to be picked Brooke, who was very unhappy not to get a free fly in to her home town. Meh. They were there for less than 24 hours and all looked like a hot mess when they got back.

Note to Caridee: a straw cowboy hat you buy in the airport is not a good look, ever. Not even a good souvenir. Please, buy the stuffed armadillo, it's much hipper.

Next up is the photo shoot, and the Tyra Mail hint is something about walking the plank. You guessed it, the B&Hs all think they are going to have to dress like pirates.

Do they put stupid in the gumballs and the water? Dress like pirates? After a week of runway practice, they don't think it has anything to do with walking on wood? In point of fact, it has to do with walking on a floating dock over a pool. I really must be doing too many martinis, because, again, I think this was a great shoot. And reality based, except for the part where the dock isn't anchored, and if they don't walk a perfectly straight line down the middle, the dock tips and they can (and Eugena does) fall into the pool. Which was also kind of cool, only I was sorry that it wasn't Moooonique. No. Really. I have seen a runway over a pool, here in Miami a few years ago at a fashion show for White Party Week.

Why wasn't it Moooonique in the drink? Well, because Moooonique was sick. Too sick to do the shoot. Not too sick to figure out ways to disgust the hell out of her fellow hamsters and the viewers, but sick. And if her girlyparts are producing fluids that stink and/or are disgusting enough even to her to be useful as a hate trick, then maybe she has something other than dehydration going on. I'm just saying. I'm also just saying, who the fuck thinks of doing shit like wiping their dirty underwear on someone else? Right. A child of God and a Princess of the Throne. I'm starting to think that Moooonique's momma was talking about the throne found in the back yard in certain areas of the developing world, and inside in houses with running water, if you get my drift.

Anyway, there is much sturm und drang, there is some amazingly good photography, there is a lame "walk with a bowl of fruit on your head" challenge in front of the judges (and AJ nails it again, and is starting to grow on me) and then, in judging there is the absolutely best thing ever on ANTM. I mean better than Darth Jader getting told she didn't know shit, better than the Italian designer asking Camille what the fuck was she walking like that for? Better than anything ever, and if I can't find it and download it off of YouTube, I just don't know what I'm going to do.

I'm talking about so amazing and funny it was worth putting up with Megg (ROCK & ROLL!!!!! head bang, hair toss). I'm talking about the impromptu gospel choir of Miss Jay, Tyra, Nigel and, yes, Miss Twiggy, as they sing about Moooonique don't want to be here no mo' no mo'. It was jaw-droppingly hilarious.

For the record, long after she was a super model, Miss Twiggy was a song and dance star and I saw her on Broadway starring with Tommy Tune in something involving a lot of tap dancing, and she was good. Held her own with T. Tune, even. The Boyfriend? Whatever.

The bottom line? Moooonique and her nasty juices got sent home, much to the relief of the bitches, the hos and all of us at home. At least Lisa took great shots, and had the "decency" to pee in a diaper and did not then stuff it in someone's bed.

Good times, people. Good times. Next week? I don't remember, but I'm sure it will include more stupidity.