Oct 14th, 2006

ANTM: Miz Shoes Reviews

First, a little business announcement: I am moving this blog from Movable Type to Expression Engine. The primary reason is EE's built-in commerce module (I said I was going to start selling my quilts and the RLA's paintings on here, and I mean it.) The second reason is its better spam commenting protection.

Anyway, until I master the new software, we're going to be losing the hot pink shoes, and entries may be sparse. Just so you know.

But never fear, I'll be back with the snark full-on by the Project Runway finale. In the mean time, here's a little something 'bout the bitches and the hos over on ANTM.

ROCK & ROLL!!!! Head bang, hair toss. That would be Megg, happy to see the last of Moooonique, who turned out to be unique in her delusions, her psycho bitchiness and her total lack of focus on the modeling portion of the competition. It's hard to focus on modeling when you are so completely focused on being a psycho bitch, plotting to rub your crusty undies on the girl you like the least.

This week the girls learn to pose like contortionists, helped by an actual contortionist and one of Canada's Next Top Model Judges. S/he claimed to be a top Canadian runway model, but that was one scary individual.

The girls all try to stick their feet in front of their faces from over their shoulders, and other very attractive, edgy, editorial-style poses. Anchal proves to be the most flexible, despite also being the only girl with hips, tits and body fat. This pisses off Melrose, who has, with the departure of Moooonique, stepped up her bitch game and taken the position of alpha-delusional bitch. If AJ is Another Jayla (but without --at least so far-- the loathesome personality and yellow teeth), the Melrose is channeling Lisa, but without the humor the quirky charm and the ability to take a fierce shot.

So. Melrose gives Anchal all sorts of unwanted advice about exercise, body fat, charm, beauty, quantum physics, posing and anything else that runs through her mind and out of her unregulated mouth. Anchal takes it with the sort of grace we have seen her display before: she tells Melrose to shut it.

Dinner with Twiggy. This a very short sequence, because unlike the divine Miss Dickenson, Twiggy doesn't get falling down drunk or abuse the girls. Melrose sucks up, big time. The other girls all glare at her and talk trash about how she's always sucking up.

Next is the challenge, to put into practice what they have learned. They trot off to an art gallery, where they are stuck in some really bad hair and hats, and told to pose on pedestals, to show off 30K worth of jewelry. I don't recall the jewelry at all. Did we even get to see it? (really, really need to stop pounding down those cosmos during the show)

Eugena wins, which means she gets all the jewelry. This makes her very happy, and pisses off Melrose (imagine that). Melrose responds by giving the girls another modeling lesson, a la Tyrant, in which she insists that two identical faces are dramatically different, if only you had the eyes to see.

At the house, there is much trash talking about Anchal, who cries and needs ego-boosting as a result. Her extreme neediness is going to get her tossed soon, you just watch. There is unwatchable drama. There is the visit by Tyrant who tells thinly veiled stories about how mean Naomi Campbell was to her when they were baby models. Melrose sucks up. The other girls glare at her.

The next day's photo shoot is somewhere out in the sort of junkyard waste land that can only be found in proximity to abandoned movie lots. It's a turn-of-the-century (last turn-of-the-century, not the one four years ago... we're going to have to come up with another way to say that soon, or people will start getting confused, you know?) broke down circus theme. The girls are all going to be side-show freaks, so this ain't going to be much of a stretch, is it?

Caridee gets an elephant snout, which means that everyone gets to blow air and pretend their arm is a trunk at least once during the episode, even Tyrant and Miss Jay. Anchal is the giant lady, Jaeda is the strong man, Megg (ROCK & ROLL, head bang, hair toss) is the bearded lady. AJ is a cannibal, Eugena is the bird lady, Melrose (are the art directors mean or what?) gets to be the 100 year old lady face with a rockin' bod. The twins are, shockingly, Siamese twins joined at the head. There are two more girls and I can't remember what they were. That's a bad sign, girls. Brooke and... Brooke and....and the guest judge is the editrix of 17 magazine. She has jet black hair and a chin that puts Jay Leno to shame. She scared me.

AJ rocks the shot, so does Melrose, to everyone's dismay. Ditto Caridee and the twins. Eugena sucks, but not as badly as Megg (ROCK & ROLL, head bang, hair toss). Which is really a shame, because she, Megg, has the biggest, bestest smile ever. She just never smiles on the set. In fact, she doesn't do anything on the set except suck. This is noted by all the judges, and she is mercifully sent home at judging.

And while I'll miss her big old smile, I sooooo will not miss the endless ROCK & ROLL, head bang, hair toss.