May 17th, 2007

Miz Shoes Reviews: ANTM

Ah, another season of ANTM slogs to a close. In the words of my beloved husband, as the credits rolled and I groaned over the winner: “Why do you even watch this?”

Because it’s a train wreck, honey. A train wreck and a morality play all in one. Where else can I see people so delusional, and yet allowed to roam free? Where else can I watch drag queens without paying a cover charge? And where else but Greek tragedy does hubris get rewarded so generously?

Ahhhh. So here it is, the final three are Natasha the Mail-Order Russian Bride, Jaslene of Dubious Gender, and NeNe Vibrato, she of the beach-living husband, floppy baby and nonstop bitchiness.

There is some recapping, and we finally(!) see Natasha’s husband and baby in one photo. Let me just say that he doesn’t look twenty years older and the three of them make one gorgeous family. Whoo-hoo.

Then it’s off to their final photo shoot: the Cover Girl cover slash beauty shot. They are on their own here, since Mr. Jay will be off with the tv spot shoot, where the girls have to ad-lib a commercial. So that they shouldn’t be flying solo, last year’s winner, CariDeemented arrives to give them advice. She won, despite asking Nigel about the stick up his ass, so yeah, I guess you might consider taking her advice. Or not, like if you wanted to win.

Jaslene has a hard time looking soft, commercial and pretty (and you know, that is such a cheap shot that even I will forgo the obvious joke). She also interviews that smiling makes her face hurt. OK, now I have to go there? That is totally a line from Rocky Horror and one delivered by my previous favorite tranny, Dr. Frank N. Furter. But whatever.

Natasha is good at smiling, and looking soft, commercial and pretty. But then she gets flustered and embarrassed and is even cuter.

NeNe waltzes in and just carries on like she’s already the winner, perhaps because Carideemented has been giving her advice that starts “after you’ve won”. NeNe, not being the brightest but certainly the most egotistical of the lot, probably took that to mean that she had, in fact, already won. So she preens and smiles and preens some more. Everyone on set jokes with her about acting/looking like she’s already won, and that just adds fuel to her fire.

Then we have the unscripted tv spots. Natasha is backstage at a photo shoot. She has written and memorized a script for herself. The Cover Girl flack and Mr. Jay tell her to scrap the script and just wing it. The resulting commercial is cute and incomprehensible.

NeNe Vibrato is out in Sydney Harbour, and starts her commercial by saying, “Nine months ago I had a baby and I thought my life was over.” The CG flack and Mr. Jay, look at each other and simultaneously shriek CUT!!!! Let’s not go there, sistergirl. Let’s try it again, a little more upbeat and positive, ok? So she gets all cute and happy and waves her arms around and delivers.

Jaslene is in a limo, and gives a sing-song freaky face version, but nails it by talking about how the product matches 97 percent of all skin tones, including hers, y “soy latina”. The CG flack just comes in his chinos. ChaCha Diva does good, in an awful sort of way.

Interviews and confessionals follow, and NeNe Vibrato is full on Cuntie-Pie ala mode. She’s on and on about how she’s got this in the (ho)bag, how she hopes the OTHER finalist isn’t Natasha, because (and I’m pretty much quoting this) she “walks like a pigeon-toed duck with poop coming out of his butt.” And then she smirks and smiles and is so proud of her analogy. She just giggles over what a cute, but oh-so-naughty girl she is.

Judging. Nigel brings it home, and reminds us why he is our favorite male ex-model turned internationally renowned fashion photographer/pervy judge. He takes NeNe Vibrato’s photo betwixt thumb and fore finger, and holding it at arm’s length like the reeking piece of shit she is, says well, she’s beautiful, yes, but she is hardly the freshest face in the box. She photographs old, and her look is old and I’ve seen this face a million times. This is America’s NEXT Top Model,  and we’re looking for something new.

The rest of the judges all nod sagely. The critiques are sharp, and Jaslene is called to task for her appalling delivery of her commercial. They applaud the fact that she managed to hide her Jay Leno jaw long enough to be photographed looking pretty and sort of soft.

Natasha is just Natasha, and Twiggy and Nigel and Tyra all love her to death. So does your viewing audience, peeps.

The girls come back in to face Tyra (wearing a set of false eyelashes that must do double duty as weight training for your eyelids). She gives a photo to Jaslene. She gives her usual wahwahwah, so who goes home. NeNe is holding Natasha’s hand. Who’s two-faced now, you old hag? Natasha gets the picture and NeNe almost drops dead. She was so sure she had it in the bag. See? Morality play. Hubris. Good times.

Back to the house, where NeNe opines about how she’s glad she didn’t win, because she has knowledge and something inside. Yeah. It’s called bitterness. Classy to the end, just like so many other LOSERS. I guess she’s going to have to hock that big-ass pearl after all. HAH!

Then Natasha comes in to find Tyra waiting on the couch. It’s face time. She talks about her years at university in Moscow, where she had nothing. NOTHING. She talks about how she’s an American, now, and how America is a melting pot, and she represents all Americans with accents. Like me? I come from the South, y’all.

Next is Jaslene, and cries and cries and kisses Tyra’s fat ass. Aiee, ju have shanjed mi vida, Tyra. This has been a life-altering experience. Ju know, cuz last season, I dint get nowhere and now here I yam inna top two. Weepy, weepy, snivel.

I turned to the husband, and said: he just won.

And then the fashion show which is lame, but not as lame as the bride of dragula that they did last year, in which Carideemented totally robbed Melrose. As in years past, there is drama on the catwalk, when Natasha’s skirt just slides off her butt. She calmly steps over and out of it and keeps catwalking.

Finally, though, all good things must come to an end, and so after much deliberation, the judges decide that Jaslene will be…. America’s Next Top Tranny.

Really. Did you SEE the size of his wrists? I’m just saying. I can’t wait till next year when they have to use subtitles for his MLAACG commercials. Because, you know, I’ll be on the couch, cosmopolitans in hand, watching the train wreck for another season.