WHEEEEE!!!! Back wit da bitches and de hos.
Where does the time go? It seems like only yesterday we were cheering on Big Whitney, and dissing the other hamsters (whose names we have already forgotten), and here we are, back on the sofa, cosmos in one hand, notebook in the other. Shall we begin?
We are in El Ay, and there is a bio-diesel bus and lots of very skinny girls. They are being taken to the Top Model Institute of Technology, where they will be molded into potential top models. Or just reality teevee fodder. Either way, yo? There is much silver, and bad special FX and Miss Jay in a white blonde wig and Mr. Jay in a really cute set of short extensions, giving him a tousled look. We love it.
The girls fly by: Sheena is Asian and from Harlem. Elina is a vegan and into animal liberation. This is a cause only someone with an IQ below room temperature can get behind. Does this mean I shouldn’t have a house cat or spay or neuter it? Because surely keeping the Ming inside is alien to his widdle kitty nature. As is neutering him. I’d better stop now before I digress to far into that train of thought. There is Isis (I had a Russian Blue named Isis) who can’t walk to save her life, and Clark who claims that her walk is intimidating. I think she means imbecilic. Joslyn twirls around for no apparent reason.
The 2 Jays reveal the Glaminator 11.0 which is a large box, and after they shake it around, out comes the Tyra-Bot. This entire set was designed by someone who thought the sets on the 1970s-era Dr. Who were too sophisticated. And who also found the original Star Treks too well written and acted. TyraBot and company demand to be beamed up fiercely.
The hos reveal their secrets to the panel: Joslyn says that her mind was opened. I’m not sure by what. Some blue-eyed blonde claims to be exotic. Only in Syria, babe. Clark reveals that she is a mean-spirited, manipulative cunt. Casey, who is Black, tells Tyra and the Jays that she is white because she has white friends…who aren’t really her friends because they don’t understand why she won’t go swimming with them. CLUE: It’s the hair. Marjorie is French and although she came to America as a seven year old, still talks like a French Canadian with a mild speech impediment. She’s got the Agynss Deyn thing going on and seems to live in black tights. It’s kind of cute…now. Veronique is a Mormon. Those people are like belly buttons on reality shows: everybody has one. Isis was one of the extras in last year’s homeless shoot. She was homeless and living in a shelter. And she’s a he. With an Adam’s apple and a man’s voice. She’s pre-op. Sheena has a tongue stud which we see whenever she talks. Clark’s really a self-involved bitch. Hannah is from Fairbanks and didn’t have running water, electricity or indoor plumbing until she came to LA for the show. Joslyn has auditioned at least three times each season, which, by her tally means that she’s tried out at least 30 times. No wonder they let her on. Get over it, already.
Elina explains herself a little more. She’s not just a vegan, she’s a bi-sexual vegan who wants to convert all the hamsters to Sapphic love. And with that we cut to Big Whitney’s first Cover Girl commercial. She’s cute, she enunciates and has inflection to her voice. It is the first ANTM “my life as a cover girl” commercial in 10 seasons that does not make me throw things at the teevee. RJ and I just stare at each other in dumbfounded amazement.
Brittney S (There are three Brittneys in the running) has red hair of a color not found in nature. She is really, really pretty and a cage fighter. RJ and I have high hopes of a smack-down somewhere around week 5. Susan is a Harvard grad, with a double major in English Lit and something else. Tyra asks her who her favorite English Romantic heroine is and the crickets come out to chirp. She does not know from the sisters Bronte, from Dickens, from Austen. She can’t even summon up a brain cell for Jack London’s White Fang. Hell, I would have been amused if she could have done Soupy Sales’ White Fang. She does nothing for Harvard’s rep.
Samantha wants to “change the industry” and cannot name five designers or models. We are in the idiots who will only get air time to prove we do have a vetting system portion of the evening. The models have been winnowed down to 20, and the only way they will find out if they are in or out is to place their hand on the sci-fi scanner. If they are in, they will be granted access to the next room. It’s sort of cruel, which is why we like it. They have 5 minutes to get into their metallic cat suits and do their own make up. Then, there will be photos. The TryaBot and the Alpha and Beta Jays beam fiercely for the second and I hope last time.
Our final selection is: Sheena, Analeigh, Nikeesha, Marjorie, Samantha, Elina, Brittney R, Brittney S, Brittney B, Hannah, Lauren, Isis, Clark and Josyln. One of the girls has a pair of lucky ANTM panties. I hope she goes home first.
PART TWO
The first thing we have to do is make two of the Brittneys change their names. My girl crush cage fighter becomes M’Key. Brittney B is Shauron. Isis is causing much confusion and concern among the other hamsters. How does she hide the junk? Tape. M’Key is totally into Isis and bonds immediately. Clark and one of the other nameless, faceless, brainless hamsters, however, are disturbed by the presence of a “man” among the mice. Honey, she isn’t into you. She don’t want to use the junk. Accept this person as the greatest gift Tyra has ever given you, and consider her your biggest competitor. DUH. No, they are all about the hate, these two. And then Clark rags on my girl M’Key. I’m not feeling the love for Clark. I hope she gets a shitty make over.
The hamsters are taken to the Magic Castle Hotel and Private Club for Magicians. There they meet some hack who pulls Nigel and Paulina out of another box. Time for some introductory face time with the judges. Marjorie answers Nigel’s question: Who’s your favorite fashion photographer correctly: You, Nigel. Nigel interviews that the only girl who knew anything about the industry was Isis. HAH! And then Nigel finds out she’s packing a little extra.
The hamsters get home to find some basics: black pumps, skinny jeans, plain t-shirts. Unfortunately, nobody has yet to tell them that the chonga earrings have to go, and they are ALL wearing the chongas.
Their first shoot will be a politically-themed one. Mike Rosenthal, one of Tyra’s favorite shooters will be on deck. Marjorie takes on Immigration. She shows some variety and some awkwardness. Brittney does the Military and doesn’t suck. Clark has no idea what her word means: Bureaucracy, but when she sees all the red tape on the set, she thinks she may have a hint. It doesn’t help her. She’s stiff, plastic and Barbie. M’Key fights for the Environment. Literally. Little boxer stance. But pretty. Big Whitney gets A SECOND AD. And it doesn’t suck either. RJ and I are charmed
Hannah has to deal with Nukes. She isn’t sure how she feels about the issue. Isis has Privacy as her assignment and Clark and another couple of girls are used in the background. They spend their time behind the screen telling Isis she needs a shave and making other hateful sniping. Isis sucks it up and does beautifully. Classy kid. Isis is my early favorite. Well, Isis and M’Key. Sheena/Energy; Joslyn/Unemployment; Analeigh/Health; Sharaun/Homeland Security (and she bitches and moans); Samantha/Economy; Lauren/Education; Nikeysha/Cloning. They pretty much all suck.
At judging, Miss Jay’s schtick for the season is going to be giant blinged out numbers on a chain. It looks like it came from Flava Flav’s House of Bling. Nigel and Paulina start arguing immediately. Nigel sees nerves when he looks at Marjorie and Paulina sees a brain. Sharaun couldn’t pose. Clark was awful and didn’t understand the concept. Elina is hailed as the second coming of Katherine Zeta-Jones. I think by me. Nikeysha’s legs look lumpy and she argues with the judges and makes excuses.
Samantha is clocked for looking like she “went crazy at the mall” when she dressed. Joslyn is made to loose her accessories, too. Hannah is told to lose the “Gossip Girl” headband. Isis is told to take care of her raggedy hair, but her photo was perfect.
Miss Jay makes up a new word for Sharaun: Fladunkasauress, but it’s Clark who is called the worst in the bunch. The best picture of the week goes to Marjorie, and in an effort to work the nerves of the house bitches, her photo will be on display for the week in the house. Nice. Isis gets the second photo.
The bottom two are Sharaun and Nikeysha. Nikeysha is called touchy and argumentative, but Sharaun is just bad and uninspiring. She is out. And drops like a rock to the ground and moans and weeps and howls. Wow.
Next week, Elina kisses Clark in the hot tub and Hannah isn’t sure if she’s a racist.