Sep 16th, 2008

Miz Shoes Reviews: ANTM Cycle 11, Episode 2

Before I begin with the ANTM re-cap, I need to say that I am the shit. I’ve been on a roll in the kitchen, and Sunday I made a batch of the yummiest ever molasses raisin cookies. They are nice and chewy. Then last night, I came very, very close to the right recipe for my Grandma Dorfman’s potato pierogies. Just need to revise the dough recipe a little more. Maybe one less egg and roll the dough even thinner? But using the Cuisinart and the pasta roller made working the dough very easy. And they are tasty.

ANTM opens with Nikeysha interviewing that she needs to shut up. The award for most obvious statement of the season has just been won, folks. Tyra Mail arrives to much squealing: “Would you bend over backwards to be a top model?” Must be posing lessons with Benny Ninja, who is much less fabulous now that he’s a regular, but you know, familiarity and all. And yes, it is. Sheena is very bendy. The hamsters have to pose in sheer fabric tubes. It’s awful. Hannah tries hard and fails, Nikeysha has no neck and looks like she’s in pain. The girls are told to go home and practice. Instead, they go home and play Truth or Dare in the hot tub.

Sheena discusses her overt hoochiness and how she tries to hard to play it down. The award for most disingenuous statement of the season has just been won, folks. Clark is dared to kiss Elina, and she does. Elina loves it. Hannah is offended by the excess of sex and sex talk and sexy, and thinks cold showers all around would be better than the hot tub. Isis makes the mistake of getting too near Hannah, and Hannah gives Isis a shove. She then interviews that she’d never hang around someone like Isis in real life, you know, a transgendered person. Hannah’s from Alaska, right? I’m just sayin’. (CoughcoughPALINcough)

Back in the hamster house, Britney and Sheena are all over Hannah for being racist, or at least prejudiced against transgendered persons. Then they gossip about her behind her back. Someone who doesn’t have issues with Isis is Analeigh, who helps her with her hormone shots and says that she was touched and flattered that Isis would trust her to help. That’s more like it.

Oh, well. Time to go to a photo shoot. This is an audition for Tarina Tarantino, who is an accessories designer and who is wearing Britney Spears’ old hot pink wig. Nikeysha walks on to the set and announces that if she pisses herself while modeling, it’s all in the line of duty or something, because she has to go wicked bad. This does not go over well with Tarina or Benny Ninja or Mr. Jay. Or with the folks out here in TeeVee land. Good lord, they just get classier every season. Speaking of which, Sheena attempts to do high fashion by being very bendy (i.e.: her ankles behind her head) while on a settee, and placing the hot pink purse in her exposed crotch. Now, not to be too erudite or anything, but “purse” has been a euphemism for twat for a few centuries now, and someone like Sheena, who appears to have no small amount of experience in the sex trade, should maybe know that, yeah? In any event, it is an appalling exercise in bad taste and even worse posing. Yeesh.

Isis got stuck in her own head (model speak for thinking too hard about posing). Hannah worked the chandelier (I have no idea why she thought a purse in a hanging lamp would be couture. Maybe because she’s from Alaska, and never saw electric lights growing up? Sheena gets called out for having no respect for the purse, and Elina gets the win.

Another day, another Tyra Mail: this one involves climbing ladders to the top. But before we go do that, let’s sandbag Hannah. A house meeting is called for the express purpose of talking about her alleged racism to her face. She sobs in the confessional that she’s just a misunderstood piece of white trash and is NOT a racist. We’ll see.

There is a park. There is a hot air balloon. There is a rope ladder hanging over the side, and the plan is to have the girls dangle off the rope ladder, while the balloon hovers about 40 feet off the ground. Nobody has a nervous breakdown over this, so the producers decide to just use a crane, hang the girls about 15 feet off the ground and over a big old cushion. Man, I HATE when the legal department interferes in the creative process. On the other hand, Sutan, over in hair and make up is giving all sorts of advice that the hamsters aren’t listening to.

A quick synopses of the shoot: Lauren Brie looks like Dior. Elina is OH MY GOD an ethereal Angelina Jolie (insert big old ethereal fucking yawn). Sheena is hootchie, hanging on to that ladder with no hands or legs, just with one rung wedged between her butt cheeks. Mr. Jay gets a leetle flustered over that. Isis struggled with her face, and because we still like Isis, we’re just gonna let that slide. Nikeysha was awful (and talky). Hannah looked scared. Samantha had no idea what was happening with the garment, and since you are supposed to be an animated clothes hanger, this is rightly viewed as a bad thing. M’Key changed poses too fast, and by the time the photographer had his shot lined up, she had moved on.

Back at the house, there is Tyra Mail announcing that one girl will be sent home. Sheena tells the other hamsters to start packing their bags, because she is the shit, and she will be the winner. The other girls all stare at her, and even though she may have meant it as a joke, nobody is even smiling. Oops.

Judging! Analeigh has a blank face. Samantha should not wear shiny fabric. Shiny fabric is not your friend. Hannah’s face doesn’t work. Nikeysha is way too skinny. The judges think she has an eating disorder. But her face is stunning! Still, try a burger and fries, girlfriend. Lauren Brie has the broken doll look that the judges all adore. M’Key needs to hold her poses. Isis needs to look like a model at judging: dress edgier! Elina was the challenge winner and is the Angelia Jolie look alike. There is much love. Sheena has the hootchie and just won’t let it go. She’s wearing hot pants and a cropped tank top at judging. The judges tell her to cover it up. Then Paulina asks about the boobs: are they real? Sheena is offended by this and says, they sure are and they’re big and spectacular. Brittney has a career in high-end catalog work. Joslyn is effortless.

The girls are sent out so that the judges can caucus. Samantha needs her hair chopped off in a high-fashion ass whooping make over. Lauren Brie is in the top 5 ever. Sheena is vulgar. (You think?) Clark needs a scrubbing. And an ass whooping. And maybe a sharp blow to the head. Brittney is just a catalog girl. Call the hamsters back in and hand out the pics. Then Sheena interupts to say, well, you know, she lied. Yeah the tits are totally implants and she feels bad for having denied it. She gets praise for fessing up.

Lauren Brie is stunning and gets the first photo. Then Elina, Josyln, Marjorie, M’Key, Samantha, Sheena, Hannah, Clark, Brittney, Analeigh and that leaves Isis and Nikeysha in the bottom two. NOES!!! Not Isis?! And no, not Isis. She stays, and Nikeysha goes. She doesn’t ever shut the fuck up, say the judges, and to prove it, she proceeds to talk over Isis saying thanks. She talks while she’s being shown the door, and she keeps on talking as Tyra tells her to shut it, because this is Isis’ moment to cry and say thank you. Nikeysha doesn’t shut it though, she gives an exit interview that continues on and on and on in voice-over, long after the door to the Hamster House has shut and the credits have begun to roll. Sad, really.

Next week? Makeovers! Our favorite! There will be tears, there will be bad weaves and worse bleach jobs, and! A Top Model FIRST!!! Yeah!!! Meet me on the couch, bitches. I’ll have the martinis on ice.