Ciao, bellas. We are in Rome. And before we go any further, let me give you, directly lifted from Wikipedia, the etymology of the word “ciao”, which, you will see, is more closely related to the hamsters’ relationship to Tyra than we suspected:
The word derives from the Venetian phrase s-ciào vostro or s-ciào su literally meaning “I am your slave”. This greeting is analogous to the Latin Servus which is still used in a large section of Central/Eastern Europe. The expression was not a literal statement of fact, of course, but rather a perfunctory promise of good will among friends (along the lines “if you ever need my help, count on me”). Indeed, to this day the greeting ciao is used in Italy only among peers, family members, and close friends, being considered too informal to use with superiors or strangers.
You see? They are her servants, non? Well, I digress. We are in Roma, which we know because we keep seeing the Coliseum and the Spanish Steps. Sooner or later Miz Shoes will be reduced to singing “When I Paint My Masterpiece” or at least those lyrics dealing with the Spanish Steps. In fact, I’m singing it in my head even now.
So. We are in Rome, in a bus or something, and the girls are all excited to be abroad. Whitney has never been to Rome. Anya has never been abroad. So much for teh intarweb theories about her being from Eastern Europe. Lauren doesn’t fit in. They reach some destination or another on one of the hills overlooking the city, and Anya promptly face-plants upon exiting the bus. The other girls don’t help her up, and she doesn’t seem to break anything and even exhibits good humor over the incident. Where’s the drama in that? Whitney then yammers on about how no plus-size girl has gotten this far in the competition before. While I like her, for the most part, and feel she takes some fine pictures, the girl needs to tone down the ego. Although, in all fairness, there have been some very plus-sized egos taking home the prize (ahem, JASLENE). Fatima interviews how, after being in the bottom two and almost not getting her letters of transit, she is tewtally ready to kick out the jams, muthafuckers.
Katarzyna interviews about the new digs. Huh. She speaks. She gets airtime. What are the editors trying to do to me? She says, in her completely non-accented and all-Amurikin way, that the new home is “off the chain”. And in all fairness, while that may not have been the phrase I would have chosen, it is. There is sculpture. There is a swimming pool in the living room. There are bunk beds. There is a garden. It is fabu.
The next day, Fatima wakes up sick. Dominique-inique-inique takes this as a classic opening to kick the competition when down and proceeds to opine how Fatima doesn’t have what it takes and she sucks and like that. Anya listens for a second or two, then hates on the haters and takes Fatima some chicken. Aww. Sweet. I’d ask for a food taster, first, though. You know, just in case Dominique-inique-inique had a hand in the preparation. In any event, Fatima doesn’t want the chicken, she wants sympathy because she’s come so far, against such odds, and it isn’t fair that she’s sick now and she doesn’t want to go home. Wahwahwah. Eat the chicken, bitch.
The next morning, Lauren is clomping around in her size 10 Chuck Taylors and making an early morning racket. The other girls (and Dominique-inique-inique) don’t like this at all. Whitney confessionalizes that she thinks that Lauren is over the competition. The Tyra mail (which is, thankfully, back in print) features a picture of Tyra’s face superimposed onto the Mona Lisa (Oh, no, she din’t) and says something about rolling. The girls and Dominique-inique-inique head off to meet someone or another who is the head of Gai Matiollo’s design team. They all get a Segway for a rolling tour of Roma. There is some minor hilarity as they fail to master the Segway. Katarzyna, in particular has a hard time and keeps rolling backwards. Lauren keeps falling off. Good times. They finally manage to all stay on, and head off around the city, as our Random Designer Guy points out random, yet utterly magnifico Roman women, trying to impart some style sense to our poor hamsters. At the Spanish Steps (great. now I’ve got that damn song running in my head again) they hop off their Segways (why not Vespas? Aren’t Vespas like, the official vehicle of Rome? Even though Random Designer Guy’s Segway had shiny red rims, it’s no Roman Holiday. STYLE, people!) hop off their Segways and head off to meet Gai. Their challenge today will be to emulate the effortless chic of the average Roman woman. Good luck with that. Fortunately, the girls and Dominique-inique-inique are helped by Gai’s people and not left to flounder around helpless and clueless.
Gai comes out to do the judging and the hamsters do a short up and back on an imaginary cat walk. Fatima, he says is elegant. She is also coughing, just so everyone knows she sick. A-hem, a-hem. Good lord that woman has a collar bone looks like somebody stuck a couple of wooden hangers under her skin. Eat the chicken, Fatima. Dominique-inique-inique is natural, but not fresh. No. You think? Honey, the expiration date on that thing was last century. Katarzyna is beautiful. Anya is blonde, skinny, young and fresh. (He likes her, non?) Whitney is so American. She can go far with her beautiful face. Lauren, says Gai, with delicacy, is very tall and has some great legs. (Too bad she’s still working out how to use them for walking.) Gai says that the winner of the challenge will get one of his red-carpet gowns for her next red-carpet event. As much as he would like to give one to each, there can be only one winner, and that winner is Anya. Whitney’s head explodes.
Back in ça Tyra, there is Tyra Lisa mail announcing something in Italian. Katarzyna is able to translate this into “easy, breezy, Cover Girl” and from there, extrapolate that the next challenge will be the Cover Girl commercial, in Italian. She’s the brains of this operation, Katarzyna is. Lauren melts down in a series of crap, crap, craps and says that this is the moment she’s been dreading. The moment when they try to make her beautiful and white bread, because that just isn’t her. Which of course, begs the question what the fuck are you doing here then, competing for a Cover Girl contract if you don’t like it and don’t want it? Miz Shoes rolls her eyes at this so hard that her left may now be her right. In any event, after a good night’s sleep, we see Lauren snoring like pig, getting woken up for the day’s events. I love Lauren. I do. And the fact that she snores has made it true love. She confessionalizes that she would very much like to run away now, but seeing as how she’s sort of stuck in the middle of Rome, can’t. Dammit, Beavis, she’ll just do her best and hope.
At the shoot, Brent Poer is telling the girls to memorize their lines, and Mr. Jay is giving Lauren shit because he sees how this is going to go down for her. Piersandro Buzzanca is their director for the shoot. He walks them through, showing them where to hit their marks and when to deliver their lines. He advises them to play with attitude. Anya tells us that this is going to be vewy hawd, because they have to walk AND apply lipstick! Oh NOES! Scary! Hard! They will each get thirty minutes to try to do this. And we’re off.
Anya is up first, looking like a cheap Gwen Steffani knock-off. Mr. Jay says she looks lost. She gives it her all, then says to the crew: “Grat-zee-yah!” She is then advised that would be Spanish, not Italian, and not particularly good Spanish, either. NEXT! Katarzyna speaks many languages and is able to fake the Italian pretty well. Her delivery, though, is flat at best.
Dominique-inique-inique tells us that
s
he is gonna be the Cover Girl, so
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he is just gonna have FUN! with this shoot. If
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he doesn’t know it,
s
he’ll just make it up. And so
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he does. It is frightening.
S
he is all over the place, and all over awful. Lauren is petrified. She can’t move. She’s so awkward and uncomfortable that Mr. Jay says she’s hard to watch. Fatima is losing her voice, she says, A-hem A-hem, little cough, but she’ll soldier on. Her face is purple compared to the rest of her. I can’t believe how bad the make up is on this shoot. Sutan needs to get her eyes checked for color matching. Our director thinks that Fatima is “a goddess. Her Italian is the best.” Meh. Since they all sucked, this is faint praise, as far as I’m concerned. Big Whitney comes out and just goes so over the top that even Miz Shoes, who is a fan of Big Whitney, wants to slap the smug and the smirk and the fake right off her face. Mr. Jay HATES her and tells her that she’s so fake it’s coming off as bitchy. This makes Miz Shoes very sad.
Back to ça Tyra, where the girls are reliving the day. Lauren says that she sucked so hard she could be going home. Big Whitney says that she gave energy, but in a bad way. And she looks so cute and acts so sweet right there. Why can’t you bring that to the judging panel, huh? Speaking of which, there we are. In the judging room. Tyra explains to the girls and Dominique-inique-inique that in Italian, high fashion is translated to alta moda, and that the biggest fashion show in all of Italy is held on the Spanish Steps. (Fine. But you made me do this. “Oh, the streets of Rome are filled with rubble, Ancient footprints are everywhere. You can almost think that you’re seein’ double On a cold, dark night on the Spanish Stairs. Got to hurry on back to my hotel room, Where I’ve got me a date with Botticelli’s niece. She promised that she’d be right there with me When I paint my masterpiece..” There. Are you happy now?) Tyra informs us that she has walked in that show FOUR times. PHHHHBBBT.
Our guest judge today is Piersandro Buzzanca, the commercial director. Let’s see the best takes, shall we? Fatima and her purple face are icky, and she’s kinda sleazy/sexy. Not to mention those collar bones. Put a flag on the end of those things, before you take someone’s eye out. Whitney is just ghastly. Paulina says that she was fake from beginning to end and that she (Paulina) particularly hates the finger to the cheek and the breathy laugh. Tyra says that she was over the top, but that she (Tyra) liked it. Anya, according to Miss Jay, is horrible, too. Tyra says that her commercial is just pure D-dookie. The director says, well, yeah, but she LOOKS like a model. Dominique-inique-inique is so unbelievably horrendous that Miss Jay is practically pissing herself from laughing. Trya is horrified by it, and Paulina scared. Piersandro tries to be nice by saying, well, she brought energy to the set?
Lauren is pathetic, and prompts a Hell to the No from Miss Jay. Nigel is disgusted and tells Lauren that she just threw it away and didn’t even try. Paulina is completely disappointed and says that she was afraid that this is what Lauren would do, and she did. Piersandro says that Lauren was terrified on the set. Katarzya starts by instructing Tyra on how to correctly (after 10 weeks) pronounce her name. The judges note that she’s actually talking. Katarzyna says that yes, after last week when they told her that her personality was disappearing, she thought “Oh, no you din’t” and Tyra promptly teaches her how to say that correctly. She is critiqued with a bringing the boring back to sexy and Tyra thanks her, mispronouncing her name again. Katarzyna tries again to get Trya to say her name correctly and Tyra just gives her a finger wiggle and says “you’re dismissed.” Yah. Don’t push it Kat.
The judges deliberate. None of the girls or Dominique-inique-inique could do a commercial to save their life, so starting with low expectations, Fatima looked beautiful (but purple). Whitney is a big old Fakey McFakersons. Anya looks like a model, but, as Nigel astutely points out, you can’t understand a word she says in English or faux-Italian. Lauren produces the best still photos but completely melted down on set. Katarzya did well on set. Dominique-inique-inique is so not a Cover Girl. Miss Jay says that she thinks Dominique-inique-inique is a brother, and Paulina agrees whole heartedly. All the judges agree that he makes them howl with laughter, and not for the right reasons. SO. Tyra hands out the photos in this order:
Fatima, Katarzyna, Anya, Dominique-inique-inique (you were a mess, but you had fun and didn’t give up). Whitney and Lauren stand side by side, and Miz Shoes calls bullshit. Dominique-inique-inique clearly should have gone home, but is too much fun for the judges to toy with and the audience to hate, so he got to stay. That means that Lauren or Whitney has to be sacrificed tonight. Whitney takes gorgeous pix, but everyone thinks she’s phoney. Even Miss America doesn’t want Miss America anymore, says Tyra. Lauren on the other hand, couldn’t hide her real self if they handed her a tarpaulin and told her to stand under it. She takes amazing pictures, too, but gave up at the commercial shoot. Who should stay, and who should go? (Miz Shoes already answered that, Tyra. Dominique-inique-inique should be given the ticket back to palookaville, thanks and both these beauties should stay). So home goes Lauren, much to Miz Shoes sorrow, and Big Whitney gets to stick around for the redemption arc (a la Eva the Diva) and probably the win.
Next week? Martial arts and a fight in the Colliseum. Will Dominique-inique-inique be fed to the lions? One can only hope.