Open on the LimoCab, where Dominique-inique-inique is gloating over the fact that (s)he wasn’t sent home because (s)he knows the other girls don’t like his her, but (s)he’s here for at least one more week. HA! and HA!, (s)he says. I never cease to be amazed at the size and potato-like shape of his

her nose. Back at the loft, Lauren gets a pep talk about receiving the first photo and Fatima makes sour faces at Amiss, whom she calls a joke.

Tyra Scrolling Lights elicit way too much squealing. “Turn up the heat or you’ll get hosed”. The hamsters speculate that this means they’ll be shooting at a fire station. Are the puzzles getting easier or the hamsters getting smarter? The LimoCab takes them to a fire house, where the bells ring and the firemen slide down the brass pole and the girls squeal. The firemen pile into the fire truck and it departs. The girls continue to squeal as Miss Jay comes down the pole. He tells them that they have just seen the famous quick change artistry of firemen. Well, actually, we didn’t. For all we know they were hanging around upstairs in full firemen regalia. But point taken. Today’s lesson will be quick changes and runway walks. Miss Jay tells the girls that they will have 90 seconds to change into rubber booties, black hot pants, white tee shirts and red suspenders (sort of Top Model Fireman costumes). This flips out Aimee, because she doesn’t like to get nekkid in front of people. Bad career choice, then sweetheart. The fire bell rings for 90 seconds and the girls shove themselves into their gear. Except for Fatima, who won’t put on the booties because she thinks they’re ugly—and they are—, the girls are all dressed when the bell stops.

Now, we walk. The firemen have come back to the station to be the audience. Katarzyna is first, and gives too much shoulder. Claire, Stacy Ann and Anya all pass muster, but Big Whitney looks like a drag queen. Dominique-inique-inique struts up and back, finishing with an invisible pole dance in front of the firemen. Classy. Miss Jay almost loses it with her. Miss Jay has, except for the sequined eyebrows at judging, toned it down a good deal this season, and I’m sort of liking him again. Girlfriend knows her shit, runway-wise is all I’m saying. Marvita and Aimee do well enough for guv-mint work, but Fatima has the Clydesdale, high-knee horse stomp. Cue footage of Camille and her signature stomp from Cycle, uh, 2? Lauren, despite having the height and the beauty and everything else, can’t walk for shit. Miss Jay sighs. Amiss, proving once more that there are more than several screws loose, hops and skips down the runway. Miss Jay wonders again why he’s signed on for another season.

Class over, we go back to the loft, where Aimee calls first shower. This leads to debate about the number of bathrooms and who needs to pee first in which one and why Aimee can’t get undressed in front of the other girls. To which Miz Shoes says, oh, get over yourself, honey. Unless you’re packing the she-nis or supernumerary nipples, there’s nothing there none of the other hamsters haven’t seen before. Well, except for Dominique-inique-inique and the she-nis. That might be a little redundant.

Big Whitney is over the drama and tells everyone to just let it go. She accuses the others of feeding on Fatima’s negative energy. That causes Fatima to claim that it’s really all Big Whitney stirring the shit. Dominique-inique-inique jumps on that and whispers that when she looks at Whitney, she sees, and I quote: “Southern, not cultured, white trash.” This from the girl? who dropped it like it was hot in front of the firemen and earned the sarcastic wrath of Miss Jay for doing so. Have I mentioned that Dominique-inique-inique has quite the large honker? Really, it’s like she’s always staring into a fish-eye lens, that one.

Tyra Scrolling Lights brings another round of ear-splitting squealing. “Keep your story straight or you will be out of order.” The LimoCab takes them to a converted church where they meet designer Brian Bradley (SQUEAL!) of the house of Tuleh (Miz Shoes squeals in wonderment. Miz Shoes would kill for anything Tuleh. Miz Shoes will wait while you look them up and see the price point on that particular line of fabulosity.) The hamsters however, have no clue who or what Tuleh is, and are just squealing to hear themselves squeal. We then meet Andrew Weir, the runway coordinator and Ann Shoket from 17 Magazine, and Jaslene, America’s Favorite Drag Queen winner of ANTM. She has improved her diction to the point where I can now understand half of what she says. This is a majah improvement. The winner of the runway challenge today will win a photo shoot with Jaslene for Lot 29. It will appear as an editorial in 17.



Dominique-inique-inique confessionalizes that he has to win because this has been his dream since he was way to young (and male) to be reading 17. The girls are given a whole 3 minutes to dress themselves and remember their place in the line up. Fatima admits that she sucks under pressure. Someone is shown getting dressed, but they are wearing a ratty, torn up bra… is that the classy Dominique-inique-inique? Stacy Ann leads and isn’t totally sucky. Big Whitney comes second, and manages to trot the catwalk with one boob hanging out. She opts not to correct it or look at it, hoping if she ignores it, the judges will too. Ah, false hope springs eternal. Lauren runs down and back. Fatima has buttoned her shirt wrong. She, too, believes that if she ignores it the judges won’t notice. She, too, is dead wrong and paces too fast. Claire works it and looks hott. Anya, not so hott. Amiss is, as usual, a mess, but she says that she felt GRRR-EAT!

Backstage, the girls are critiqued by everyone including Jaslene. You have got to be kidding me. This hot tranny mess is our new go-to girl? She asks Lauren if she really has the fire in the belly, the desire and the passion to be in the competition. Does she reawy, reawy want to be a model? Katarzya is declared the winner and she picks to share the prize Amiss and Marvita. They go off and shoot for Lot 29 while the losers go back to the loft.

Someone in the loft is voice overing how awesome it was to meet Jaslene, and how her critiques were so helpful and… And so help me G-d, they even say that Jaslene is really smart. There is not enough alcohol in the world to erase that from my memory. Lauren, however, is really stung over Jaslene’s critique of her, and is in tears that anyone would question her commitment to this competition.

My Life as a Cover Girl answers a huge question. Why the fuck do the girls throw out the first pitch for the Baltimore Orioles? Because CG is headquartered in Baltimore. There may or may not have been make up and Salacious D. Tyra Scrolling Lights causes the girls to launch into another round of squealing in an octave that makes my dogs howl. “Prove that you’ve got the chops for this competition or you’ll be sent packing.” Clearly, our destination is the meat packing district, where we are led into a giant meat locker hanging full of meat. Duh. In waltzes Mr. Jay in a white anorak with fur trim. This is going to be a highly provocative shot, he says. They will be wearing meat and posing with meat. They are also given truly awful hair and make up. Claire is grossed out by the meat, but not the make up.

Shooting today is Trevor O’Shea, who worked last season on the Modeling Wasteland shoot in the desert. Fatima is nervous and keeps making ugly faces. She can’t wrap her mind around the shoot at all. Big Whitney is wearing meat panties and a neck piece and she seems to keep making weird faces. Marvita grabs a thigh bone and works the anger. Wow. Lauren tries to channel Leatherface. She’s definitely been stung by the “you don’t want to be here enough” comments, because she’s bringing it. Dominique-inique-inique sits in a big vat of meat scraps and just loves the raw meat. Mr. Jay is sort of impressed with her commitment to the shot, but not as much as she’s impressed with herself. She asks for a hug when she’s done and he compliments her, and he practically leaps backward out of range, and says “oh, HELL no.” Aimee is completely grossed out, but not as much as Amiss, who threatens to puke.

Tyra Scrolling Lights/Infernal Squealing. Lauren confessionalizes that she’s afraid she’s going to be on the chopping block. Amiss is still sleeping while the other girls get ready to go to panel and eat their brekkies and what not. She is utterly disdainful of their rushing and primping. She points this up by not brushing out the rat weave, tying on a head band and wearing a jacket over her sleepy-time tee shirt. It occurs to me that Dominique-inique-inique looks a lot like Lisa who peed in the diaper, but with less talent, less class and a whole hell of a lot more nose.

Our guest judge today is Brian Bradley. Tyra, for reasons that will forever remain shrouded in mystery, sings the introductions. Stacy Ann has the five standard poses and is disappointing. Big Whitney looks fabulous, comedic yet sexy. Huh? Paulina comments that whoever came up with this week’s shot, it is a perfect metaphor for the modeling business: you are meat. Aimee was static, according to Nigel, and nervous according to Byran. Katarzyna was the challenge winner, and although she took risks by holding out her meat skirt like it was a dirndle, there is something missing. Fatima modeled from the waist down this week, as opposed to last week when she modeled from the waist up. Paulina asks if anyone gave her direction on the set, and then suggests that Fatima listen to and follow that direction and advice. Anya is told that this is the first shot in which she looks good. Claire is looking hot, but her shot, though good, is seen as stale 1990s heroin chic. I suddenly realize that Claire is Naima.V2.0, blonder, prettier and possibly not as vapid. Dominique-inique-inique (who has a very large nose) is told by Nigel that her shot looks like February in the Meatpacker’s calendar. HAH! I’m getting the feeling that he’s not feeling Dominique-inique-inique. Maybe it’s the stank and the honker. Lauren is crouched down with a meat hook(!) and looking HOTT! Amiss is taken to task for looking like a mess of ass at panel, and she says yeah, she looks like Axl Rose. She wishes she looked that good. She says it was her free jacket, so I think she might have been trying to redeem herself with Apple Bottom product placement. Marvita’s shot is seen as being beautiful, but empty, which may well be a metaphor for her head.

The first photo goes to Anya, followed in order by Big Whitney, Katarzyna (who’s told to try wearing her hair in a bun next week because she’s still a snooze in person), Claire, Dominique-inique-inique (most improved since last week, but still owner of the largest nose outside of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade Snoopy balloon), Stacy Ann, Lauren (told to practice the walk: if it wasn’t for that, she’d have been called first with the best picture), Marvita and Aimee. The bottom two are Fatima and Amiss. Last week Fatima was the second coming of Iman. This week? She’s blowing chunks. Amiss seems to lack focus. Does she want to be here or not? Well, it doesn’t matter what she wants, because Amiss is a mess and is disappeared from the final photo, where we see for the first time exactly how hideous Anya’s fade-away shot is.

Next week? The return of Benny Ninja and Dominique-inique-inique and Big Whitney get in a fight. Come on Whitney, that nose would be hard to miss if you took a white trash swipe at it.