May 17th, 2009

Miz Shoes Reviews: ANTM, Season 12, Finale

The final three are given the script for their Cover Girl commercials. Aminat has gotta learn this. Wind In Her Face is overwhelmed. RabbityMouthBreather is going to do everything and anything to be the winner. Like, for example, stop breathing through your mouth and stop being terrified of everything? That would be nice.

They head to a studio for their shoot. M’Key is there to give them the drill on how to be a Cover Girl. The photos they take today will be the winner’s CG ad and go up in Wal-Marts every where. And they want to win this, why?

Aminat is first, and although Mr. Jay has to remind her to move her face when she speaks, she does an adorable little shoulder wiggle and girlish giggle at the end. Then it’s off to have Jim de Yonker shoot the stills.

RabbityMouthBreather has been given the winner’s edit hair and make up job. She can’t remember her lines. She’s stiff. Mr. Jay says she’s good but that he has his doubts. Jim de Yonker says she has a sort of Bettie Page look. Miz Shoes says that’s a Bettie and Veronica, Archie comics look.

Wind In Her Face looses her shit in a major melt down. She freaks, she cries, she flubs every line. She also has those weird backward top finger joints. Mr. Jay tells her not to worry, because editing will make it work. Jim de Yonks says that he liked working with her.

TYRAMAIL! One of you bitches has seen your last challenge. Time to go home and get a real job. Aminat knows that she’ll be in the final two because she was phenomenal. RabbityMouthBreather is, of course, scared. Wind In Her Face has lost her shit for good, and cries and cries in the confessional that she has lost her shit for good.

DISCLAIMER: at this point, my notes become more or less illegible as the second, and very strong dirty martini kicks in. I should know better than to skip food on ANTM night.

The judge is Rosa someone or other. After the judging, the girls will go straight to the 17 cover shot. Miss Jay’s tie is very pink and very huge. Wind In Her Face’s commercial is about thirty seconds of her crying. She cries at the judges, too. When the judges look at her still and declare it is the dictionary definition of “smiling with your eyes” she dries up the tears. RabbityMouthBreather’s commercial isn’t bad, but neither is it any good. She is expressionless (what has Miz Shoes been saying for 11 weeks?). The judges claim that her voice is more expressive than her face. Her still is commerical, and the judges call it sexy. Miz Shoes calls it pose number one: slack mouthed.

Aminat’s commercial is cute, she is a natural genius, but her still shot? Not so much. There is more deliberating, but we on the couch were busy making plans to go see the new Star Trek on Sunday morning, and so missed the rest.

RabbityMouthBreather gets the number one photo and my notes say “Fuck. Me.” Aminat has The Body, and got better and better every week (except for her face) and she had the best Cover Girl commercial. Wind In Her Face was super strong from the beginning, but completely melted down doing the commercial, which is, let’s face it, the big chunk of the Cover Girl prize. So who stays and who goes? Say buh-bye to Aminat, and What the Fuck? as Wind In Her Face gets the number two spot. Aminat can now go get a real contract with a real modeling agency.

Finally, the muthafuckin’ walk off. Wind In Her Face calls it do or die. M’Key is there. RabbityMouthBreather is scared (and come on, is she ever anything other than scared? I’m so over that walking Walter Keane painting, that I don’t know if I can last another 15 minutes) because her walk is shit. No kidding. And now she’s in a panic because it’s a swimsuit show.

What the hell is Miss Jay wearing? M’Key leads off with an awful walk. How did she win last season? Wind In Her Face is meh. RabbityMouthBreather is meh. The second pass is a samba theme and Wind In Her Face is good, and although it pains me no end to say this, RabbityMouthBreather is kind of cute. The third pass involves writhing down a runway that has become a black oil slick. Is this a statement? We’ll never know. Wind In Her Face works it like the rent was due yesterday and is flinging her weave around like a dancer in a strip joint when it flies off. She just grabs it and keeps working it.

The next scene is the girls cleaned up, back in their bikinis and in the judging room. There is some bullshit about a neck and neck competition throughout the season, but all I see is O-face and slack mouth versus some variety. And with that, and another round of Tyra blah-blah-blahing, Wind In Her Face wins season 12. Nigel shoots her with Tyra. And we are over and out.