Last night was quality tee-vee night at the Casita des Zapatas, and I watched the bitches and the hos, and also Gordon Ramsey in what had to be the worst kitchen in Manhattan. But I don’t recap Chef Gordon, so don’t expect details about the roaches here. In here, all is bee-yoo-ti-ful. The girls are beautiful. The boys are beautiful (and maybe just a little bit orange). The house is beautiful. In fact, let’s go there now.
DISCLAIMER: as an experiment, I took notes last night. This will enable me to recap in actual chronological order, but I found that I was funnier by just letting memory bubble up and sorting things out later. Or never.
Back in L.A., the girls are taken out to their pimped out wheels. If any of you ever had any doubts that Miss Tyra or her minions read Television Without Pity or any of the other blogs (like, ahem, Girlyshoes) and take note of what’s being dished on the interwebs, this year’s wheels should put an end to them. Because this year, instead of the stretch Hummer, or any of the other gas-guzzling behemoths that have taken the girls (and Jaslene) from pillar to post to photo shoot, we have a garishly painted BIO-DIESEL van. It is appallingly fitted out with fake grass and what one hamster refers to as recycled tires for upholstery, but she’s just miffed that she missed the season of the zebra skinned brothel on wheels. We haven’t even made it to the first commercial break, and we’ve already had a powerful political statement from Miss Tyra, i.e.: dependency on foreign gas is bad.
Off they go in their green machine to their new, green house. And is it just me, or does this house look a lot like last year’s house? That funny-shaped pool, the huge balcony overlooking the Hollywood hills? The giant floating heads of Tyra on every wall? I thought so. But, you know, fabulous houses don’t grow on trees, even in El Lay. The cat walk is illuminated and decorated with plants. It’s very nice. What isn’t very nice are the bitches and the hos, who start the girl bonding by a) jumping in the pool fully clothed, b) gang piling into the bathtub in bathing suits(?), c) doing a faux-Tyra elimination ceremony and d) immediately sensing that Heather is not like all the rest (she’s drawing by herself instead of joining in all the homo-erotic shenanigans) and, thinking that different means weak, dumb and or deaf, all start trashing her. I mean, we haven’t even reached the first commercial break and there is already a Hate Heather Club.
Next morning, the girls go to their first photo shoot, in the LA Merchandise Mart. Why? It’s the center of fashion in LA. Uh, it’s the center of ready to wear in LA if the LAMM is anything like the Miami Merchandise Mart, or the Chicago Merchandise Mart or the Atlanta… well, you get the drift. Not precisely high fashion, but not Wal-Mart, either. No, that will come later.
In the second Important Stance on Important Topics, the shoot today will show the dark side of smoking. It will be a composite shot: first the girls will do a glamorous pose in front of a make up/dressing table, and in the second they will be made up to show the horrible effects of smoking (a tracheotomy, skin cancer, premature aging, hair loss from chemo, bad teeth) and the two will be Photochopped to have the gore reflected in the mirror of the glam. Very High Concept.
Mila, the bubble headed blonde who “celebrates a new nail polish color” celebrates being bald. She just can’t get over how funny she looks and just can’t manage to wrap so much as a pinkie around the concept. Chantal, the I-was-made-to-win-this-inside-and-out blonde (and I find that phrase so unsettling, I can’t even begin to tell you… Does that mean she wants to model her internal organs for anatomy texts?) Eww. And ick. Heather and Salacious D have to pose together, which makes Heather a little uncomfortable. She has Asperger’s, remember? So Salacious D takes the opportunity to reach out to another girl and promptly says to hell with you then, beeyotch, I’ll just rock my own shot without your autistic ass.
Back in the make up chairs, Binaca and Lisa are starting to hate on each other. Binaca offers to toss a cell phone at Lisa. Lisa offers to stuff it up Binaca’s ass. I love it when the girls show that they know all about supermodels like Naomi Campbell. In the actual shoot, both Lisa and Binaca do well. This only fuels the fire of love between them, and Binaca gets all classy and just throws it out at Lisa that America’s Next Top Model is probably not going to be a lap dancing stripper, bitch. ooooo, she totally went there. She’s just sayin’, y’all. Also just sayin’ is Chantal, that Heather just doesn’t have what it takes, what with being all weird-ass and a loner and shit. This is a refrain almost all of the girls will sing at one point or another tonight. All except Victoria, the Yalie. Maybe it’s that snooty, Ivy-league education or something, but she sort of likes Heather and thinks that Heather will surprise everyone. From her mouth to Miss Tyra’s ear.
Back at the Casa De Bitches and Hos, everyone is soaking in the hot tub and Lisa and Binaca sort of make up. And there, on the rim of the tub is a pack of cigarettes. Important Issue Statement acknowledged, Tyra. By sort of, I mean that Lisa sort of says she’s sorry they fought, and Binaca makes the sort of apology that my ex-husband, the anti-christ used to make: I’m sorry you got upset at what I said. Not, you’ll notice, that I’m sorry I was a tactless ho and called you names. Then Binaca confessionalizes that she only said that so she wouldn’t get a Tyra smack-down at judging. Class. All class.
Commercials, and it’s Jaslene’s Life as a Cover Girl. I have absolutely no idea what she said.
In the morning, Miss Jay comes by the house to give the girls an idea about style and taste. Amazingly, he is actually displaying both, and no ginormous corsages or clown ruffles. In order to get themselves some model basics, the girls are going to go to Old Navy and stock up on one outfit, which they will then wear to judging and be judged on it and their photos.
The third indication that Miss Tyra or her minions read TWOP and the blogosphere is that Benny Ninja of the fabulous House of Ninja is on hand to help the girls shop. He does this by telling them to accessorize, not to look like everyone else, and be flamboyant and colorful. This is, of course, a trick, because Miss Jay told them to be vanilla and invisible. In ten minutes, the 13 girls manage to completely destroy the store, and at least one third of them all get the same tacky necklace and another third opine that Heather is stylistically dyslexic in addition to being autistic and weird. (And drop-dead gorgeous, but they forget to mention that).
That night, as the girls relax at the house, drinking hot water and pretending it’s soup, they all relive the day and continue bashing Heather about everything except her shoe size. Kimberly-from-Ocala (Seminole Indian for “one horse town in the middle of nowhere”) reveals that she’s been purposely rude to Heather, pushing her away because she just knows that as the competition gets tougher, that weird, autistic girl would no doubt cling to her like a leech, and she is all about no leeches.
Finally and at long last we make it to the judging room, and there we find Miss Tyra looking fly, Miss Twiggy looking like the British matron she is (but still fabulous), Smarmy Nigel looking all hott and Miss Jay looking freakishly nappy. I’m just sayin’. I’ll do this quickly: Chantal was over-accessorized, Jenah can’t dress herself, Ambreal is wearing some giant chonga earrings (so is Lisa), Victoria dressed well, Lisa not so much, but her photos were good, Mila is a terrible dresser and her photos were awful. Miss Jay says that she looks like she’s farting. And he has a point. Also? Her legs look immense. Sarah’s clothes are OK, Binaca is well dressed, but she’s too posed in the pics, Janet looks just like young (and was she ever?) Angie Dickenson but needs to lose the noose she’s wrapped around her neck, Ebony has chosen a color that looks good on her (butter yellow), but is too stiff in her pix, Kimberly works the hootchie, Heather layered two wife beaters and was told she only needed one, but her pictures were great (so much for Salacious D’s devious plan to make Heather look like poop), and finally Salacious D wins the clothes challenge in a short, simple dress and good shoes. Whew. For this she wins a one thousand dollar shopping spree at Old Navy, and say what you will about their clothes, that 1K will go a loooooong way. And she gets to be in an Old Navy ad. Good prize.
Miss Tyra reiterates the Important Message that Smoking Is Bad, and to emphasize the point, bans smoking from the house for the rest of the season. That ought to bring some drama out fairly quickly. All too soon we have the judging where the big reveal to Nigel and Twiggy is that Heather has Asperger’s and the photos are passed out. Remember way back in the beginning of this recap when I said from Victoria’s mouth to Miss Tyra’s ear? Well, hos, read ‘em and weep: Heather gets the first photo. And that is why I love this show. That and the fact that the two bottom girls are Ebony (she who was declared in need of a good Top Model Ass Whoopin’ by Tyra & Co. during auditions) and Mila. One of you can’t take criticism, EBONY, and the other is incapable of understanding it, MILA. So who goes home? Not the designated torturee, so buh-bye to the airhead. Now, I missed this, maybe because I was taking notes, but the close up of Ebony weeping, included a close up of her glistening, glamorous mucus mustache. MJ opined as how that was just her excess humility, leaking out.
Next week? Lisa and Binaca slap some sense into each other. Or, maybe, they just get into a slap fight. I’ll be on the couch with the martinis, bitches, join me?