At the Casa de Bitches and Hos, Lisa is talking shit

about the pressure on her to remain in the top spot. We see her practicing in front of ever reflective surface in the house: mirrors, glass doors, the shine of grease on Binaca’s forehead. Honey, you should just worry about remaining in the house, is what I’m saying. Heather is eating at a table with Binaca, where, I am certain you will be shocked to learn, Binaca is engaging in her very favorite game (well, you know, other than torturing kittens, ripping the heads off baby chicks and tearing the wings off of flies) of beating down Heather to her face while pretending to be concerned about Heather’s fragile psyche. Today this takes the form of worrying about when, exactly, Heather will have a complete and total breakdown, and be taken from the house in a straight jacket. My guess would be shortly after Heather finally snaps and pounds the shit out of Binaca. Pounding the shit out of Binaca would leave nothing more than an empty skin, but where would the loss be?

Tyra Mail! tells the girls to get ready to be schooled. Doesn’t say in what, and the usual lame guesses aren’t worth wasting the pixels on writing down. Off they go in their bio-bus and end up at the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising. There they meet Neal Hamil, the head of Elite Model Management (and one of the Powers That Be that have to live with the winner for a year, and I think that after 8 seasons of winners (and I use the term loosely) like Jaslene the Drag Queen, Noxema and that other one who couldn’t talk to save her life (insert any name here), the Powers That Be have decided to participate a little more closely to prevent another nightmare like (insert any winner’s name here).

So, the hamsters see BennyNinja again, and he tells them that today’s challenge will be to become a muse to a student designer. The designers will use a particularly nasty, mother of the bride, pastel blue polyester dress & jacket and transform it (good luck, says I) into an expression of who they (the models, not the designers) are. The hamsters are teamed up with their designers and we see the designers trying to get a feel for who these vapid clothes hangers really are. Lisa says she likes to show off her legs. Binaca gets some little Asian girl who sees Cleopatra and a boat trip down the Nile. Binaca sees that this is not what she wants, and begins to show the stank face. Chantallobotomy is asked to strike a signature pose and stands with arms akimbo and the same vacuous look she always has. I suppose that a face devoid of expression or intelligence could legitimately be called her signature. Whatevs. Jenah’s designer sees a ballerina. Has the designer ever been to a ballet other than the Ballet Trockadero de Monte Carlo? Heather’s designer is a cute little guy named Justin and between the two of them there is so much cuteness and dorkiness that I think they should get their own spin off. Neither one can look the other in the eye, probably because Justin is like, two feet shorter than Heather. Heather explains who she is by saying “I’m a dork.” All righty then. When the dresses are done, there will be a fashion show and the girls will have to explain how they inspired their designers.

Backstage, Lisa is practicing her attitude and little speech. “I’m a garden party crasher.” Yeah. Binaca is telling everyone that she’s not worried about a thing, because her pictures just keep getting better and better. Unlike her skank personality, which is starting to really, really annoy me. She’s not as delusional as Darth Jader (but then, who could be?) but she is as big a bitch as pick one: Camille & her signature horse stomp, Yaya and her ego, or Moonique of the crusty undies. Boy, we’ve had some good times together on this show, haven’t we? Memories, sigh. But right now, Binaca is going off on Heather again, saying how she has a pretty face and nothing else.

For the judging, in addition to Neal, we have Ann Shoket, Editor in Chief of 17 magazine. There is a brief montage of the girls variously hating on their designers and dresses, with the occasional squeal of “This is SOOOOOO me!” from Jenah. And we’re off. Bianca comes out and declares herself Cleopatra Jones, and flounces and attitudes her way down the catwalk, daring the judges to not like her or how she’s reinterpreted what her designer told her the look was. She’s a little more Grace Jones than Cleopatra Jones, if you ask me. Heather comes out, looking etheral and then…can’t speak. She chokes big time. She chokes worse than Vinnie Testeverde at the Fiesta Bowl when Penn State cleaned the collective clock of the University of Miami on national television, after the Canes looked like fools wearing cammo and talking shit. GACCCKKK! Calling Dr. Heimlich! But I digress. Heather stands there and we get the dreaded cricket sound track. Not good for Heather. Oh Noes! Ambreal comes down in something that looks like a cross between a crash test dummy and police crime scene tape, with a neon yellow lollipop thing. But that’s OK, because she interviews that she was perfect.

Jenah was a rock star ballerina, which translates to fairy dress from Hot Topics. Lisa blows the talking part as much as Heather or Jaslene, but doesn’t get the cricket edit. She does deliver that inane “garden party crasher” drivel, just not well. Then she goes back stage and cries “No more Top Model for me!” No, no, no. That’s “no soup for you!” Get your pop culture references straight there, missy.

Chantallobotomy comes out in a sort of gauzy Barbie dress, which, actually, is perfect for her, but then she does some crappy, crabby mean-faced stomp down the cat walk and it looks stupid. Salacious D comes out in a real pixie dress, complete (at least in my mind) with wings and is just adorable. And what’s up with her weave? Why is hers still perfect and adorable (even if it looks a little bit like Kelly Osborne?) and poor old Jenah has the rat weave from hell (or Britney Spears) exploding on her head? We’ll never know. But it’s time for Neal and Ann to review the hamsters and pick a winner (who will also get to do a photo shoot for jewelry and take along two frenemies),

Ambreal rushed it and oversold it. Binaca had more attitude than anyone else (shocking) and way too much attitude for the dress. Lisa got derailed while trying to speak and it was her weak moment, unlike Heather, who totally blew up. They were very disappointed that Heather couldn’t sell her ocean dress and called her a blah day at the beach. The winner, the girl with the most sparkle, is Salacious D, who picked Lisa and Binaca to share her prize. At the shoot, Binaca continues to trash talk Heather, and Lisa looks a little rode hard and put up wet for 17 magazine. At least to me.

Back at the house, Lisa and Salacious D make a dive for the showers, completely ignoring the fact that Heather had first dibs. Sort of like in week whatever when Binaca literally walked over Heather to take the phone first. This must happen a lot in the house, because Heather totally looses it, runs in the shower and just screeches at the other two to quit dissing her. Salacious D could care less about this, and naturally, if there is shit being stirred, Binaca has a spoon it. We are saved from seeing more by commercials, where Jaslene is signing autographs and being unintelligible at a Wal-Mart. Ah, nostalgia for Noxema signing autographs at Walgreen’s wafts over me. Is Walgreen’s a step up or a step down from Wal-Mart, do you think?

The next morning, the hamsters get an early wake up call and are hauled off into the middle of the desert in the bio-bus, which, having dropped them, then leaves them stranded with nothing but their wits and the camera crew. Slim pickins’ I say. But from out of the shimmering heat comes a man. Not an interesting man, like maybe, Clint Eastwood in a serape, but the Little Orange Man. Who leads the girls across the salt plains to the bio-bus and today’s shoot. A Model’s Burning Wasteland. Sort of like a Teenage Wasteland, but without Roger Daltry. Or Pete Townsend. Or guitars. Or a point. But with a burning car. Little Orange Man tells the girls to give him, and I quote: “desperation fabulosity”. Lisa tells herself not to over-think things, because then they go wrong. The photographer today is Trevor O’Shawna… the guy who shot the krunking klowns on the roof, where in Darth Jader sort of rocked the shot. Bianca goes first and wears Jay out with her fabulousness. Oh, Jay, please don’t feed that particular fire.

Chantallobotomy is in a baby doll dress that keeps flapping up and she works the frustration with the dress. She also tells us that she craves being in front of the camera like water. I think there’s something missing in that sentence, but I can’t quite put my finger on it…like, maybe, the other half of the simile? Salacious D has to get frustrated before she can get a good shot. Ambreal is told to stop posing. Jenah allows as how her emotions in the photo were real, because she really was hot and miserable. Lisa got all stumpified some how, and didn’t work the garment. And here, I have to say that this season, they actually are trying to teach the girls to model the clothes rather than model themselves. Sort of. And we’re done with this segment.

Back at the house, Heather is all bummed out about her performance this week, so Binaca stirs the turds a little and asks her, Oh, Heather, what’s wrong. Sweet baby Jesus, Heather: STOP TALKING TO BINACA!!!! No good will come of it. No good will EVER come of it. She’s evil. She’s getting in your head. And then Binaca gloats that Heather wasn’t perfect this week. And Ambreal says how everybody’s been babying Heather, and now she’s having to pay for that. And Chantallobotomy says how they are all in the house together, for each other, together, by which she means that she’s there for herself and everybody else should be there for her, too.

Tyra mail announces the week’s judging, and Heather is sure she’ll be sent home, and was that a cobalt blue garden gnome on the table next to the Tyra mail? In the judging room, Miss Jay’s Afro is now bigger than anything Diana Ross ever dared to sport, and I keep seeing Chinese dragons pop up in the background. Then a dragon comes out, and in one of the worst scenes ever on ANTM, Tyra pretends to talk to it as it wags its tail and bats its eyes, and then Tyra shouts with more falseness than her eyelashes, “What you say? We’re GOING TO CHINA!!!!” Much squealing.

Jenah gets her evaluation first, and Nigel and Twiggy are all over her in a good way, and Miss Jay gives his highest approval: she looks like a broke down doll next to a broke down car. Heather is loved by Twiggy, but not by Tyra and Jay. Heather says how she was off this week and the Elite guy says that her talk was directed at him because he was so hard on her, and Tyra explains how to compartmentalize and turn off your soul for the pictures. Salacious D is called pretty, but not striking. Tyra says she took chances, but not enough, she needed to commit to the chances. You know what? My brain hurts just typing this shit. Chantallobotomy is told by Nigel that this is her best photo to date, and Twiggy says yeah, what he said. Ambreal is beautiful but the clothes are lost and she’s got stumpified legs. Binaca looks like she set the car on fire and is challenging the viewer to do something about it. Miss Jay compliments her on showing the dress off well (I didn’t think so, since she was behind the freaking car door). Nigel says Lisa was dramatic, but managed to make herself look squat and short. So. On to the discussions.

Jenah and Heather get love. Neal from Elite gives it up for Salacious D, saying that she’s got the whole package, and that she’s a fun girl that people will want to book her. Chantallobotomy is compared to Cheryl Tiegs (ha. In dreams) and everyone agrees that she’s pretty but not a super star. Ambreal is not special enough. Binaca is rising… to which I say that cream may rise, but shit floats. Lisa gets the harshest critique though. Miss Jay says that she didn’t do so great this week, but she’s still one of his favorites, and Nigel says she’s shrinking and sinking and Neal from Elite says “she isn’t fresh enough”. This makes Tyra mad, and she says something about youth, and Neal says, not youth, freshness. I said she looked rode hard and put up wet. She makes last season’s Renee look positively dewy by comparison.

And the photos go to: Binaca (oh, she’s just going to be insufferable now), Jenah, Salacious D, Chantallobotomy who scrunches up her nose in a sickeningly cutesy way and Heather. Lisa is already crying and she and Ambreal go forward to hear which is doomed. There’s no sexy snot ‘stache, but she ain’t pretty. In any event, Lisa gets to stay and Ambreal is sent home. Just in case we ever forgot that she was a musical theater major, she dances off. I’ll miss her. Next week: Shanghai.