The night we’ve all been waiting for is finally here: the night that we find out who will be America’s Next Top Model and mumble her way through an agonizing year of Cover Girl commercials. We open on a Tyra voice over recap… will it be Jenah, the tomboy with a bad attitude (and honestly, compared to the stank hos of this and other seasons, I still am not seeing what is so awful about her attitude. She didn’t bitch about the rat weave, she didn’t wipe dirty underwear on anyone, she didn’t torture Heather, she wasn’t an obvious pig in the house, she quit smoking when they told her to, she didn’t roll her eyes at judging, she took direction and gave great photos, so where’s the bad attitude? More like bad editing, if you ask me.  Will it be Salacious D, who has been cast as the commercial girl, even though she is clearly Tyra’s pet and the Cover Girl sponsor’s pet and the photographers’ pet? Or will it be Chantallobotomy who is so unmemorable that I can’t even remember what they said about her, but who has confessionalized at least once an episode that she was destined to be a model, that it has been her life-long ambition to be a model and that it is God’s will that she be a model.

Whatever. TYRA MAIL! Yeah, yeah, yeah, tomorrow’s the big day. Salacious D says that she’s come so far, Jenah says that going home is not an option and Chantallobotomy with the astuteness and clarity of thought that she has come to embody says that somebody will be going home. For now though, they are going to the Cover Girl shoot where they meet Brent Poer (the Cover Girl rep) and their lip gloss du jour. They also meet someone who is familiar with being a Cover Girl. That would be last year’s winner, Jaslene, so maybe he’s just familiar with being a Cover Tranny. In any event, any words of wisdom she imparts are unintelligible, so what’s the point?

First up for filming is Chantallobotomy, who says that she isn’t 100% ready. Mr. Jay tells her that her delivery is like: “I’m reading lines and I’m a dumb model.” Well, do I say thank you for the honesty or get all sarcastic about the obviousness of the observation? She is going to embody the essence of a color. She loves delicious fruity lip gloss. Uh huh. Next is Jenah who steps into the frame and promptly goes blank. We hear the crickets. After eleven takes, Mr. Jay calls for the cue cards. But Jenah says no to that, that she isn’t going to be that girl. So on the next take, she nails her lines. She is doomed, I say, because she has been given the old lady up-do, and we are seeing some major roots action. She wants to embody a happy me. Mr. Jay says that Jenah doesn’t read as shy and insecure, she comes off as a snot.

In comes Salacious D, and she is greeted by Brent Poer with enthusiasm, favoritism and a fawning show of love. He totally fluffs her. She gets on the mark and promptly sucks. She keeps bugging her eyes. On Take 12, Mr. Jay tells her that they need the bright smile and twinkle that she has shown in her photos. She interviews that she just can’t put the words together right. On Take 17 Salacious D gets sad and needs a minute to compose herself. Proving that she has taken all of Tyra’s wisdom to heart, she walks off set to cry (and not ruin her eye make up). Then she comes back and I guess does fine, because we don’t go back to the commercial, we cut to the still shoot. The photographer is Jim Deyonker and hes asking for sexy and fun. Chantallobotomy is asked to give flirty eyes. Jenah takes a nice shot, except for the horrible up do. We don’t even see Salacious D’s shoot. But we do see the judging, where Tyra says that this is the second most important judging of the season. The guest judge is Qi Gang, the designer in whose show they will stomp to the death on the runway of fame and fortune.

It is time for the annual and excruciating question: Who has the most, and who has the least potential in the house… Salacious D goes first and says that of course, she has the mostest, and that rude and disrespectful beeyotch Jenah has the least. The least personality, the least hope of winning, the least potential, the least of the least. Chantallobotomy predictably announces that she is the girl with the mostest, hands down. And yeah, that Jenah is the pits. Chantallobotomy wouldn’t want her to win, because she wouldn’t want her little sisters (or anybody’s little sisters) to have that dour old puss as a role model. Jenah respectfully disagrees with both of the other girls and says that just because she isn’t all bubbly all the freaking time, that doesn’t make her an evil person or a bad role model. And for good measure, she says that Chantallobotomy has the least potential because she is so painfully amateur.

Now the judges judge: Nigel says that Salacious D is stiff, but that she managed, despite that, to smile with her eyes. Mr. Jay reported that it required 20 takes to get a usable chunk of footage. Gang says that she makes him believe in the fruity lip gloss. Tyra shows how to give a variety of smiles, which apparently, Salacious D did not do. Chantallobotomy has natural charm says Twiggy, but Nigel says that she was technically bad. Mr. Jay says that she is so tewtally the girl next door, and completely believable. Jenah is told that she was so unbelievable that the judges think she was mocking the commercial. She was dissing the client. Once more Jenah tries to defend herself by saying that just because she ain’t spewing rainbows everywhere she combs her hair she isn’t a bad role model. She cries. She tells Tyra that she had to raise herself and her sisters. Tyra tells her that she, Jenah just had some sort of break through and just found herself, the real Jenah on the other side of the Great Wall of China. And they finish the flaying of Jenah by telling her that she took a great photo. Which she did, except for the old lady hair and make up. Commercials.

Jaslene gargles her way through a recap of her year as a Cover Girl, and we see that she has made great strides in learning to talk, which means nothing because going from 20 marbles and a mouth full of oatmeal to only 5 marbles and a mouth full of oatmeal still means that you can’t understand a word she says. She is also wearing a pair of the hootchiest, chonga earrings this side of Little Havana. I see that her personal style hasn’t changed an iota. More’s the pity. Back to the judging room, where the final two will be determined.

Chantallobotomy gets the first picture, and she weeps that she’s been dreaming of this moment for a long time. Snore. Salacious D and Jenah step forward. Salacious D, you came in with experience and yet girls like Jenah here totally outshone you. But we believed in you, and we kept you and you got stronger. Jenah, you came in with no experience and took amazing photos that rival today’s top working models. Today you had a breakthrough in now we know the real you. There’s a career out there for you that can be kick ass. Leave us now, and go get real work, because Salacious D is the

other girl in the top two.

Yet another photo shoot, this time for the cover of 17 magazine, and the editrix, Ann Shoket is back to bore us senseless with her innocuous babbling. But first, we have to listen to Chantallobotomy do a rundown of her greatest hits: meant to be here, my destiny, God’s plan, blahblahblah. Give it a rest, already. And finally and at long last, we get to the fashion show. It will be held next to the Forbidden City, and there will be a cast of extras dressed like Ching Dynasty warriors filling the enormous courtyard. The runway is long enough for a 747 to take off from. Backstage, we see that Jaslene will be in this show too, leading off. She is sitting in a make up chair, fanning herself. Please, girl. Salacious D and Chantallobotomy ask Jaslene for some words of wisdom. Confucious-like, she tells them that when she first won, she’d be in the bathroom before a show, talking to God. Here is an exact quote: “I’m like oh my god, God, I’m still weeping in fear before a show.” Words fail me.

Salacious D has some great hair and make up, as does Chantallobotomy, who also has the better dress. Chantallobotomy declares that this is her moment, and Salacious D says that no, it’s now her destiny. The show opens with Miss Jay, Twiggy, Nigel and Tyra (former top models and/or runway coaches all) strutting the runway to their thrones at the other end of the courtyard. Nigel, pervy though he may be, still has it. So do Miss Jay and Twiggs. Needless to say, Tyra throws down some serious shade for her proteges to try and live up to. Jaslene goes first and works it, at least according to Tyra. Salacious D is looking good. Chantallobotomy is meh. Salacious D does her second pass and confessionalizes that people watching her? is the best, and I quote: “People watching me? Life just don’t get no better than this.” The Number One Surrogate Daughter notes that Salacious’ grammar, however, can and should be better. Chantallobotomy comes out in an amazing dress with about six miles of train, and promptly ensnares one of the stilt walkers who are accompanying the models down the runway. He takes a major tumble. She cries, but continues walking. She cries about her destiny again. She says that she “broke character”. Who knew that models, when they stomp down the catwalk, were in character. You mean to tell me that the vacant stare and bitch face is character, and not nature? I, for one, am stunned by this revelation.

And it is time for the final judgment. Miss Jay says that Chantallobotomy took baby doll steps and walked too fast on the runway. Twiggy says that Chantallobotomy got too nervous, and that Salacious D owned the runway. Nigel calls Chantallobotomy weak. Tyra says that Salacious D was using too much shoulder and booty, as opposed to Chantallobotomy, who was too stiff. Miss Jay says that Chantallobotomy has a high fashion body, but can’t work it. Salacious D can control her body. Tyra says that she didn’t think either of these two would be finalists, she thought that they were too commercial and would go home early. Tyra says that one of them came from Austin and the other from LA, and that explains their inner beauties. Hey, listen, I gave up trying to understand Tyra years ago. And so, the winner of this year’s ANTM is (and I know that all of you are as shocked as I) Salacious D, aka Baby Tyra, graduate of Tyra camp, believer of all things Tyra, and chosen winner somewhere around week three when the guy from Elite met her and said she had the total package.

As she weeps for the final time, Chantallobotomy tells us that God still wants her to model. And God want Miz Shoes to ridicule the shit out of people like Chantallobotomy, so we’re all fulfilling our destinies, Luke.