Project Runway: Season 6, Episode 1

Designers? Introduce yourselves. Hi. I’m Ra’Mon and I went to med school and majored in Neurosurgery, so the first person who makes the “fashion ain’t brain surgery joke?” dies. Thankew. I’m Logan, and I’m from Seattle. I’m able to rebuild engines and I’m a strong pattern maker and the prettiest one in the room, boy or girl. I’m Jonny, and I have the requisite ugly tats. I’ve tried out before and I finally figured out why I didn’t get on Season 3 or 4. I was a CRYSTAL METH ADDICT! I figured out I’d have to quit that shit if I wanted to be a

fashion designer.

Girl designers, you got anything to beat that? Gordana is from some former Soviet Satellite or another and may have been part of the women’s wrestling team, judging by those shoulders. Malvin has bad hair, and enough androgyny to be included in the women’s group, although s/he’s bunking with the boys. Carol Hannah says she does wood nymphs go to cocktail party dresses and she used to sell for Gordana. Qristyl says her work is plus sexy, not plus sized. Sherin means sweet in Farsi.

Nicolas says that his friends call him the Feather Prince, and not because of his blondish Daniel Franco hair, but because he designs with chiffon, feathers, unicorn farts and fairy dust. Mitchell makes no impression whatsoever. Epperson has a set of magnificent dreads, and children as old as his fellow contestants. Christopher is self-taught and from Minnesota. Ari Fish makes transformative clothing. Which is not to say her works transform the viewer or wearer, but that you can wear it to dinner, and then take it off and use it as a tent in the park where you sleep because you are homeless. Althea is another blonde, Irina isn’t and Louise is channeling Louise Brooks to the best of her ability.

Champagne on the Roof

Althea lets us know that she did her time in the Alexander McQueen/Vivienne Westwood slave galleys. Christopher says that he always told himself that someday he’s be amazing, and that today is that day.

Tim hauls the kids off to the Disney Theater to see the red carpet where the Daytime Emmys will happen. This is to get them to think about red carpets and red carpet looks, and how many red carpets there are, with how many different audiences, but in the shallow gene pool that is Hollywood, any red carpet appearance can make or break a designer. Off they go to their new work room at the Fashion Institute of Design and Marketing, where they have 30 minutes to sketch, and 30 minutes and $200 to spend at Mood (LA). They’ll get till midnight and all the next day to create the look. The winner gets immunity. All good so far.

Christopher sketches anime style. That’s uh, interesting. Ari doesn’t sketch at all, she does a headstand against the wall. That’s uh, guaranteed to get you air time. When she stands up, she says that she will make a “bulbous tessellation” that catches the light. Is it just me, or does the word “bulbous” not sound like a good idea?

At Mood, Qristyl buys a pair of scissors and cuts her own fabric because time is of the essence and Mood only has one cutter. Wait, are they at the Jo-Ann’s down the street? Sherin is going to make something totally rare and totally new: Old Hollywood Glamor. Ra’mon is crying in the confessional and I don’t know why. Over in the work room, Jonny drapes, then changes, then drapes, then changes his design several times. Then he decides he’s overwhelmed and goes off to take a nap or something. The something is have a crying breakdown. He didn’t know it would be like this. Tim comes in and lets him cry and then gives him a little pep talk. You can do it. Hugs. Jonny goes back to the workroom and says he’s done bein’ the fool. That remains to be seen.

Work Day

Malvin is doing something with – burlap? Ari says she creates her own texture, she doesn’t buy it. Jonny says that he’s feeling better now, thank you. Christopher reveals that he’s another self-taught designer, and that he has no idea what smocking is or a godet. Tim comes around and says that whatever Christopher is making it looks funky and young and punk and if it’s styled wrong on the runway, it’ll look like a cruise line cocktail waitress.

Ari is making a hooded geodesic dress. Tim says it might look like a hooded diaper. Ari says it won’t.  Mitchell is creating a very heavy Victorian feel with tons of hand smocking out of an ombre sheer. Qristyl is piling color on ruffles on bustles on other colors. She asks Tim if it’s too dramatic. The length of the pause before he formulates a response is, that’s for sure. Qristyl understands that if Tim doesn’t answer fast, then the answer is not good news.

The models have been randomly preselected for the designers, who have been working off the models’ spec sheet. The real models come in for their fittings. Ruh-roh. Mitchell’s girl has lied, lied, lied and she is about six inches bigger than her card says. He has to start all over, and child, he does not have any fabric left except some sheer, nude-color lining materials. He is fucked in the ear with no oil, and that is a fact. We get a brief glimpse of something voluminous and burgundy on a back table. It is Epperson’s gown.

Runway Morning

Ari thought she’d have to fight for her point of view. It turns out nobody cares enough about it to challenge her. She is wearing a loud print…well that doesn’t do it justice… a cacophonous print that is a hoodie and a onsie combined. The length appears to be variable, as we see it now ending at her knees, and later, bunched up into diapers. It is beyond gawdawful.

Mitchell is still bitching about his model lying about her size. The accessory wall is from Macy’s. Meh. Still, better than Blow Fly and the smug, naked skank. Ari does her model’s hair and it is as awful as you would anticipate. Mitchell sews something onto his model. You can see through it, but she is technically covered from ankle to nape. It’s an x-rated burqa.

Judging

Our first runway, and our first guest judge is Lindsey Lohan, who comes up to Heidi’s Teutonic armpit and who is introduced as being a designer in her own right. She is wearing leggings. One suspects they are from her designer line of leggings. I can’t believe I just had to type those words together like they made sense. Designer. Leggings.

Althea leads off with Old Hollywood Glamor. Gordana sends out something bright aqua with an interesting bodice of folds, like origami. Malvin’s burlap is meh. Mitchell’s dress is there. The only thing he could salvage from his original was the high, tight, smocked neck. Louise Brooks has done something in two-tone, but it’s grey and greyer and the contrast isn’t very strong.

Christopher’s little dress has soft beige ruffles below, and a bodice and asymmetrical overskirt of bunched black/gun metal grey. He has accessorized it perfectly and it looks nothing like a cocktail waitress. Ra’Mon. Shiren has done something short and sweet with a sort of bustle. It is black. Epperson sends out a beautiful gown in burgundy with a metric ton of volume and maybe an organza shawl or portrait color. It waltzes by fast. Irina has made an ivory dress with a lace bodice and plunging back. It is effortless and Old Hollywood Glamor. Ari’s geodesic hoodie is shown with hot pants. The less said, the better.

Jonny has done something with a red false front/sack dress shape and a plunging back and black beading and I don’t know what all. Carol Hannah’s dress is bronzy-ochre and has heavy quilted boning to shape the bodice. Qristyl’s dress still looks like a multi colored ruffle threw up on a purple dress. Logan has done something stark, clean, with sharp lines and it needs pressing. It may or may not be evocative of Old Hollywood Glamor. Nick.

Epperson, Shirin, Irina, Logan, Qristyl, Ra’Mon, Mitchell and Christopher have the highest and lowest scores. They stay on the runway. The judges start with Qristyl. Which red carpet? The Emmys. Who would wear it? Miley Cyrus or YOU!, Lilo. (In yer fuckin’ dreams, thinks Lilo). The seams are pulling and the back, which is the focal point (believe it or not with the ruffle that ate Kansas City cascading down the front) isn’t going to be seen. Lindsey says that.

I have to digress here. I wasn’t expecting much from Miss Lohan. I loved her as a child, and have followed her tabloid travails and wish so much better for her. But her own fashion sense and the whole leggings thing led me to believe that she wouldn’t have much to offer as a guest judge. I admit this: I was wrong. She was concise and coherent and while maybe not blindingly insightful, pretty much spot on with her assessment of the clothes. Oh, Linds, go to FIT and quit acting. Get a life and a real job and leave this one behind you.

Christopher says that his dress is for the VMA red carpet and it is both hard and soft. While he didn’t love the color, Michael Kors did love the cute/edgy combination. NinaGarcia calls it dark romantic.

Ra’Mon’s is a safe Oscar dress. Lindsey likes the back. Ari is asked which red carpet she designed for and she says, and I quote:”The 2080 VMAs and then later that night, she’ll go pick up her Nobel Peace Prize.” Michael Kors calls it a disco soccer ball. Lindsey says (see? listen to this) “You can like it all you want, but someone else has to love it more and want to wear it.” True that.

Jonny says he’s designed a dress for a 20-something starlet obsessed with the 1920s. Uh-huh. Kors says if it was black and lacking all the whicketywhack that it would be an interesting silhouette. NinaGarcia calls it seductive, wonderful and easy. I say it looks like you could smuggle a miniature pony in there, but then, I’m not a guest judge.

Mitchell has made a Grammy dress. Kors says that he likes where he was trying to go, but let’s be real. It is completely sheer and completely unwearable, except by the fireplace with a snifter of brandy.

Lilo says that Ra’Mon’s dress was the closest to an actual red carpet design. But safe. Jonny’s dress had a cool shape. Heidi says that she’d wear Christopher’s design. She calls it elegant, sharp and with a bit. Qristyl has her taste level questioned. Ari… Is she serious or not? Is she hosing us with that shit, says Michael Kors, or are we just not smart enough to get it. Heidi says it’s like talking to someone from another world, and Lilo snickers into her hand. Mitchell screwed up by believing his model’s card. So.

Jonny did a good job and gets to stay. Christopher wins the challenge and immunity. Ra’Mon is in. Qristyl is in. Ari, we didn’t know what was going on and we don’t think you did, either. It’s one thing to aim outside the box, and another to miss completely.

Mitchell, you should know all models lie. There are no excuses. Your dress was unwearable, but at least you aren’t insane like Ari over there, so you can stay.

And we are done with episode one. Whew.