The Tide is High (and so are the judges)

Acid yellow LA morning: Ra’Mon is whining and moaning that one decision could be the mistake that sends him home, and he doesn’t want to go home. The other designers (most notably DanielFranco Lite) are ragging on Mitchell about being the perennial bottom. He grins, boyishly and (he thinks) charmingly and says that he wouldn’t wish the bottom two on anybody else. He’s really sort of simple-minded, isn’t he?

Heidi greets the designers on the runway and tells them that they will be going on a field trip, and to pack the sunscreen. Wild guesses all around as to their destination: the beach, the other beach, or that other, other beach? The thought of seeing an actual ocean gets Christian (Hey, I’m from Minnesota, eh?) all tingly. They arrive at a beach, only to find Tim Gunn in a summer-weight suit and sandals, having forgone the tie at gunpoint. Hah! I made a gun/Gunn joke. Laugh while you can, dear readers, because the only entertainment to be had from this episode is this and all the other snarky recaps on line. Tim has a back-up group of wahinis and surfboards. Mercifully, he does not say “duuuude.” He does, however, announce that surf culture is one of the many LA exports to the design community, and the world at large. There is no surf guitar music in the background, and MizShoes finds that to be an enormous failure.

The challenge will be to design a “fun and fashionable” surf look. They must focus on craftsmanship (coughMITCHELLcough) and style. They will be working in teams of two. This does not make Ra’Mon any happier, and he whines something or another about team challenges. Shirin, as last week’s winner, is the first team leader. The others are named, and then they pick their teammates in the same order. It goes down thusly:

Shirin/Carol Hannah; Logan/Christian; Nicolas/Gordana; Mitchell (who confessionalizes that he chose someone who could “carry me”) picks Ra’Mon, much to Ra’Mon’s continued misery. Althea/Louise; Qristyl/Epperson and a gracious Jonny is happy to be left with Irina. They will have to decide which of their two models to use. They will have 20 minutes to sketch/consult with the wahinis—remember the wahinis?

The surfer dudettes offer blinding revelations about what active girls like: comfort and function over fashion. Tropical colors. Ra’Mon bitches that working with Mitchell is the equivalent of having a target painted on his head. Beats the do-rag, I suppose. Qristyl is already pissed that Epperson is talking to the surfer girl and sketching. Nicolas has no clue what the surfer girls are saying, but he’s game for the challenge.

Off the beach and on to Mood LA, where they have a meager fifty bucks and 15 minutes to grab and go. Qristyl is picking garish nastiness and getting overruled by Epperson. They are not a happy couple. And then, DRAMA!!! But not on Project Runway. On Miz Shoes’ couch, when the power flickers and the cable goes out for a minute. When it comes back, Irina is laughing at Jonny and chanting boho chic, boho chic. Well, duh. That is the obvious answer to this challenge.

DanielFranco Lite is proposing an amazing silhouette, with a wrap around pant. He’s going to hand-dye the white and black print so that it no longer looks like zebra. No animal prints. He and Gordana are going to do a woven/macramé top.

Qristyl and Epperson are fighting over Qristyl’s chosen lime green fabric (remember her purple print barf ruffle? Girl is either color blind, or tasteless, and I’m leaning toward tasteless. Epperson interviews that their tension is just fear of failure based. He’s very calm. Over in the other corner, Ra’Mon is complaining that Mitchell is just floating along and making him be the

captain of the team. They are another dysfunctional TV family, playing it all out for airtime.

Jonny refers to Mitchell as “she”. Is it just me, or is this group more fey and over-the-top out than ever before? It’s a veritable Village Persons of gay stereotypes in that workroom. Tim wanders in and announces that the judges didn’t think that there was enough pressure, so they are requiring the designers to come up with a second look. It should work with the first, but be avant-garde, and both looks will walk the runway. Ra’Mon (who is getting way too much air time to make Miz Shoes happy) bewails their fate: “Capital WTF”, and (excuse me while I look in my thesaurus for yet another word that means whine, complain, or bewail …aha!) snivels that he’s just got his hands full trying to keep Mitchell focused and on-task. There are only 3 hours left in the workday. Tim tells the designers that tomorrow one member from each team will go back to Mood with $200 to buy supplies for the second look.

Now it’s Qristyl’s turn to cry and she does, gnashing her teeth that she’s the captain, dammit and Epperson is acting like he is. She’s insulted and says that he treats her like a student, like she can’t sew, like she has no taste. To which Miz Shoes shrugs her shoulders, remembers that purple nastiness and says to the teevee, “and your point is…?”

Ra’Mon is going to make an avant-garde look based on a wet suit. Mitchell is fantasizing that he has wonderful ideas. DanielFranco Lite comes back from Mood to find that Gordana has almost completed the macramé top, but he’s worried that his avant-garde look might be a little too tranny. Epperson is trying to talk to Qristyl, but she’s all “talk to the hand” and won’t have any civility between them. Mitchell thinks he might try to finish the bathing suit and let Ra’Mon do everything else.

Tim comes in and says that he’s the prophet of doom. The designers are not amused. Carol Hannah’s model has decided to take a paying job instead of coming in for a fitting. This is supposed to be drama. CH is like, fine, I’ll go with one of the other models that was sent home. Buh-bye little model, who was originally Ari’s model and could have been auf’ed with the disco soccer ball, but was apparently saved during an epi of Models of the Runway which MizShoes has not, nor does she ever intend to watch. Buh-bye. Good luck with that career thing.

Gordana is watching DanielFranco Lite do something with lace, and says that well, it’s a bit provocative for her taste, but she’s sure that Nicolas knows what he’s doing (and he’s the captain, so on your shield or with it, fella). She doesn’t sound that convinced, and as we see the lace cat suit with no in seam, just sort of gartered on, neither are we.

Ra’Mon is kvetching about his frustration with the dim-witted, but happy-go-lucky Mitchell, who can’t focus long enough to thread a sewing machine. Nicolas is only too happy to offer to pack Mitchell’s bags for him when he’s auffed, and tells him so.

Tim comes for his walkabout, and sees Jonny’s over-sized macramé avant-garde top in brown. Epperson and Qristyl’s surfer look earns raves, it’s a bikini top with a corselet over a voluminous skirt (that’s sort of Epperson’s thing, we’re thinking) and then the model whips off the waist cincher and Tim gags. It was so nice, as a one-piece he says, and so tasteless as a bra top and wrap skirt. Logan has made a hat, and Tim is impressed. Nicolas and Gordana have created something beautiful with their macramé top. What’s up with the macramé this episode? Why? And why all the brown?

Speaking of brown, Ra’Mon is working on his wetsuit cat suit and we see Mitchell’s surf attire next to it. It is that same brown and blue ombre he was working with the first episode and it’s all floaty and drapey. Tim says that it looks like Greek Goddess meets cartoon super hero and that the two looks need to work together and they don’t. Ra’Mon scraps the jumpsuit.

Speaking of not working together, we see Qristyl and Epperson continuing to loathe each other. More to the point, Ra’Mon resents having to carry Mitchell (who chose Ra’Mon to do just that thing). The RLA asks why we haven’t seen any footage of the other teams. Because they aren’t fighting, obviously.

Morning of the runway show finds Mitchell acting like a little girl while Nicolas laughs at him. Qristyl is being arrogant. Logan and Christian are happy with each other and each other’s work. See? No drama, no air play. Tim comes in and says they have two hours to finish, fit and do hair and makeup.

Ra’Mon id dyeing acid yellow neoprene and having a nervous breakdown in the corner. Tim tells him to man up and that there’s on 35 minutes left, so make some thing to send down the runway. With a mere 15 minutes left, Ra’Mon is not giving up and is stapling his model into something made of blotchy neoprene. Qristyl is rehearsing her speech wherein she throws Epperson under the bus, and she is hoping that isn’t a metaphor. Mitchell comes down off his cloud long enough to realize that he’s been in the bottom two twice already, and there’s only been two episodes. Hmmmm, he thinks, this might be problematic.

Finally, we get to the actual runway, and meet the guest judges. Max Azria of BCBG and Rachel Bilson, who is billed as an actress/designer. We start with Epperson and Qristyl and that green patterned dress, and it is wonderful. The fit is marvelous and the avant-garde look is… a mystery to yours truly, because the power surges and blows the cable again and we don’t get the picture back until Shirin and Carol Hannah send down something that whips off to reveal an ACTUAL BATHING SUIT! I’m so stunned I don’t even care what they call avant-garde.

Althea and Louise have done something with a top similar to Althea’s maternity gown. Their attempt at avant-garde is a blue evening gown with swoopy things. DanielFranco Lite’s “macramé” top is beautiful, the wrap pants boring and too long. I don’t even want to talk about the lace cat suit with the cutout thighs.

Logan and Christian have done super skinny white/gold jeans that may be leatha. The model is wearing the beach hat. Their avant-garde look has an over-sized top with a voluminous skirt (need the thesaurus again) and the top sports an asymmetrical neck/collar and it’s all pretty fabulous, actually.

Shirin/Carol Hannah, Logan/Christopher and Althea/Louise are safe. Off they go. Nicolas/Gordana; Ra’Mon/Mitchell; Epperson/Qristyl and Jonny/Irina are left. They have the highest and lowest scores, and will now be raked over the coals.

Jonny’s sportswear look was sporty. There is a soft sweatery top with a macramé panel in the back to add interest, and a flippy skirt. The companion piece (Miz Shoes cannot force herself to either type avant-garde or grace these garments with that appellation) is brown evening gown with a big old pile of fabric along one shoulder that they all keep referring to as more macramé.

Ra’Mon says that their inspiration was a pile of seaweed that washed up on the shore while they were at the beach, and is promptly clocked by Heidi, who says that he wasn’t the captain, and what does Mitchell have to say. And what, exactly, was it that Mitchell actually sewed? The bathing suit? That nobody even sees because it’s under the dress? Riiiight. NinaGarcia, meanwhile, has been smoking crack in the back room, because she is just blown away by the blotchy, ill-fitting, stapled together neoprene dress.

Qristyl preemptively hurls Epperson under the bus, talks over him on the runway, defends her nonexistent taste level and continues acting like a modern day Battling Bickersons on the runway. The green leaf print dress was gorgeous. The other thing, which is brown with a big lump of Qristyl’s electric green fabric sort of eating one side, not so much.

Nicolas and Gordana get the love for the macramé top, not the floppy pants. The lace cat suit, the less said of which the better, is not classy. So.

Jonny and Irina did work that was solid and the two pieces tied together. Mitchell and Ra’Mon, well, see. There’s the problem. Ra’Mon did everything and Mitchell did nothing and how can the judges judge someone who didn’t sew? Nicolas needs to tame his Feather Princess tendencies, but the swimwear portion of the two looks was nice. Max Azria, who is subtitled, notes that Qristyl was weak, and Epperson took advantage of that. Again, the fit and style of the print dress is remarked upon and that was all Epperson. Qristyl’s being an ass on the runway didn’t win her any points with the judges. Back come the designers.

Ra’Mon is the winner for that monstrosity. Or he got the sympathy vote for dealing with Mitchell. The judges claim that his neoprene dress was fresh and beautiful and closest to the ideal of the challenge. I guess NinaGarcia was sharing the crack.

Irina, Jonny, Nicolas and Gordana are all safe. Qristyl and Epperson are taken to task for having such a bad marriage, but Epperson’s coolness is rewarded with “you’re safe” and he leaves the runway.

Qristyl had zilch in the way of leadership skills, but Mitchell is just a jerk and completely inept. Heidi says that he left the judges disappointed and confused and Never in the History of Project Runway has this ever happened before, but you, the team leader, are auffsie daisy.

Mitchell interviews that gee, maybe he didn’t try hard enough. And thus ends the worst episode of Project Runway, ever. Blergh.