It’s night in Brazil, Natalie Wooden has gone home and Aminat is asking the other girls if they could imagine the outrage (in the house? on the couch? among her “fans”?) if the judges had sent her home instead. Well, actually, yes I can. The blogosphere of rabid ANTM watchers would have had a fit if the tall, beautiful girl had gone home and the hack from SoCal had stayed. I’m agreeing with a hamster… what has the world come to? Meanwhile, Celia admits that at 25 she is older than dirt and will probably have that flung in her face this week, resulting in her going home. She seems resigned to losing. I’m sorry, what show are we watching? We seem to have a little self-awareness here.

TYRAMAIL! You have to hit the ground running if you want to fly. The hamsters think this means hang-gliding or something. That’s more like it. Stupid, clueless and self-absorbed. That’s why we watch. Keep up the good work, little hamsters. Speaking of little, Fo suddenly realizes that at 5’8”, she is stumpy. She decides that she needs to model taller. The next morning, the girls are taken to the headquarters of Fashion Week Brazil, and there meet Paolo Borges, who needs an interpreter, who also needs an interpreter, and they tell the hamsters that they will pretend to be real models today, and have go-sees. They are given a list of 5 designers and about 4 hours. Downstairs there are taxis waiting to drive them around. As always, there is way too much traffic, the girls have no plan of attack, and nobody is wearing a watch. As always, anyone late will be disqualified. Celia, being older than dirt, and therefore somewhat wise in the ways of the world, tells us that she figured to go to the designer farthest away from their end point, and work her way backwards. RabbityMouthBreather is scared, because she has to go somewhere and meet someone. Aminat is stunned by the traffic. She says that it is worse than NY and LA combined, and re-donk-iless. Yeah. There’s that classical enunciation.

Wind In Her Face and Celia end up in the same place at the same time, but Celia gets through the door first, so Wind In Her Face bolts to the next designer on her list rather than wait. The first question for Celia is “How old are you?” Somewhere across town, RabbityMouthBreather is wowing some other designer with her personality. Her walk, on the other hand, “is not ready for the catwalk”. That’s an understatement along the lines of Miss Jay is just a tiny, little bit gay. Celia, who is older than dirt, but who also lives in New York City, figures out that it is faster to walk than to take her taxi. So she walks. Fo is somewhere with designer Cris Barros, who likes her just fine, except for the part where Fo only comes up to a real model’s armpit. Five foot eight inches is a freakin’ DWARF in Modelvania, people.

Over at designer Orzoco or something like that, Wind In Her Face finds that Celia has beaten her to the location again, dammit, and freaks out and flees. At Adriana Bozos, Aminat is walking and Adriana says that she’d book her for a show, fer sure. And also Wind In Her Face. She’d get booked too. Sadly, Fo is too short for beachwear. She’s a midget! This causes Fo to have a little freak out of her own. She’s good for a photo shoot, they say, but not for walking. Speaking of not good for walking, Adriana Bozos says that RabbityMouthBreather needs a lot of practice before she can stomp down a runway. With half an hour left, Aminat heads over to Cris Barros, where she finds Celia walking it out. Cris likes Celia, despite the fact that she’s ready for AARP and a walker. Wind in Her Face gets there and finds Celia still doddering around, so she calls it a day and goes back to the base. She’s about twenty minutes early. Fo is still in her cab, having made all five go-sees, but very far from the meeting place. Oh noes, Fo. Aminat arrives next. RabbityMouthBreather gets there on time, too. Celia is fourth, and blows into the room at 3:31. The other girls mock her and tell her she’s late and disqualified. Celia disputes that, saying that she was in the building at 3:30, just waiting for the elevator. I’m on Celia’s side in this one. Somewhere around 4, Fo finally drags her stumpy little ass in, and the translator arrives to tell them that the girls who arrived on time will be whisked away to meet Paolo via helicopter. For the sake of drama (and weight limits?) Celia and Fo are told to go back down stairs and take the cab. Only Aminat, RabbityMouthBreather and Wind In Her Face will ride the sky. None of them have ever been in a helicopter, nor even considered that they might one day fly in one, so there is much childish delight and glee. Over in the cab, there is much sulkiness and misery.

At Fashion Week Brazil world headquarters, they learn that RabbityMouthBreather saw 4 designers and they all thought she needed a metric fuck ton of practice walking before she could ever grace a runway. The designers all love Aminat and Wind In Her Face. The winner will get one piece from each of the five designers, and that winner is Wind In Her Face. Celia is green with jealousy over this…or maybe she’s green because she’s past her expiration date and has started to mold. Wind In Her Face is not particularly gracious, and yells at the others not to touch her swag. She ain’t sharing this with anyone. (And the others agree that it’s nice for her to win, because she had the tattiest wardrobe of them all.) Well, all of them except Fo, who cries and says it isn’t fair because she wanted it more. Honeychild, if strength of wanting equaled getting, you’d be referring to me as that bitch who’s been married to Bob Dylan for-fucking-ever.

TYRAMAIL says something that we weren’t paying attention to. But it comes out to mean the beach shot. Needless to say, this is something that frightens RabbityMouthBreather, because she doesn’t think she has a beach body. It turns out that Nigel(!) is their shooter today, and it will be a crowd shot. Nigel tells them to drop all inhibitions and show him what they got. Bring it, babies!!! Fo’s ready. Aminat comes out first, and my lord. That woman has a body that could make strong men weep. Or weak men. Or me. Nigel loves her, but Mr. Jay says that she just doesn’t have the best control of all that amazing stuff. Fo comes out and does some weird hunchy stuff, and frustrates Mr. Jay by posing, not modeling. She doesn’t interact with any of the extras and Mr. Jay calls her shoot remedial modeling 101. RabbityMouthBreather is scared by the size of the bikini (smaller than anything she’s ever worn in her life) and wanders around the set, alternating her slack-mouth with her blow up doll O face. Nigel is so astounded that she does better than he’d ever expect, that he hugs her and tells her she did well. Nigel scares her. Wind In Her Face rocks the shot…of course. Winner’s edit, anyone. But there is no denying that she very quickly learned how to hold her face and mouth so that she didn’t scare children or look like a denture ad. She “knows her angles”.

Celia has been backstage, practicing all day. When she finally gets to the set, it is not what she had in her head and she loses her focus and any remaining semblance of modeling talent she ever had. It is so bad, that Nigel (who was a top male model in his day, remember) puts the camera down and shows her how to work the set. It is always such start contrast when someone who knows what they are doing works the shoot next to the contestants. He still has the mojo. Celia, sadly, does not and blows the shoot.

TYRAMAIL! Down to the final four, bitches. Enjoy what may very well be your last night in Brazil. Fo’s nervous, but sure that someonecoughcoughCELIAcough did worse. At panel, Tyra is wearing a wig that is so far beyond whack that it looks like it came from the discount Farrah Fawcett wig line back in 1973. And has been in storage since. The guest judge is Cris Barros, who is not only a designer, but a former Top Model. First up is Wind In Her Face, wearing one of her winning dresses and looking like a million dollars. She saw three designers and all three would book her. Nigel says that she held nothing back on set, and Cris says that Wind In Her Face is the perfect Brazilan model. Celia booked three out of the four designers she saw, but she was LATE, and so disqualified. Nigel says that she wasn’t easy to shoot because she was so distracted. Celia admits that she was thrown off stride by having spent hours practicing for a non-existent set. Paulina, Cris and Tyra are all horrified to hear that she was rehearsing backstage. Now you know. You have to go in cold and use the fear and surprise to work the set.

Aminat only booked two of the three designers she saw. Nigel tells her that she was pretty good, but that she still needs to emote with her body. Tyra and Miss Jay tell Aminat that she has a body that could compete with Naomi Campbell on any runway, but that she’s wasting it by not knowing how to use it. Fo made herself look chunky on set, and not one of the five designers she saw would have booked her because she’s too short. She needs to stand on a chair just to keep the hems from dragging on the floor. Stumpy McStumpersons, that’s our Fo. RabbityMouthBreather surprised Nigel by not totally sucking. But she only booked one out of her four go-sees, because she can’t walk without knocking into the furniture or her knees into each other.

The judges judge thusly: Wind In Her Face is just amazing. Celia is pose-y and unnatural. Aminat isn’t natural either, or maybe a better word would have been effortless. Fo was one short little Faux Pas. She hadn’t a clue how to work a set and she was just an all-over disaster. RabbityMouthBreather was freaked out by Nigel’s praise, and Nigel mocks her in a heartless and dead-on way, making a bug-eyed and rabbit-toothed googly face. Makes me wish I had Tivo, just to grab a screen shot of that.

Predictably, our winner is Wind In Her Face. RabbityMouthBreather comes in second, much to the universal disgust from the denizens of my couch. Aminat is third, and the bottom two are Stumpy and Ancient. Who stays, and who goes? Celia is allowed to stay and get thrown off next week when she’ll be told that she’s too much of a crone to sell make up to 17 year olds, and Fo is sent back to Albuquerque, where, she says, she is ready to finish high school. You go and get that GED, girl. Next week, Tyra is the photographer, and one girl will be told by Paulina, without the slightest sympathy or pity, that their samba lesson was hardly their shining moment. Ouch. I’m hoping that the girl with two left feet is that bug-eyed freak, RabbityMouthBreather. As G-d as my witness, if she wins, I will never watch ANTM again.