Surrogate Daughter Number Three on the couch? Check.
Wine poured? Check.
Brocolli rabe simmering in olive oil, garlic, lemon juice and white wine, waiting to get tossed over pasta? (Carbohydrate loading is important when viewing anorexic girls) Check.
Why, it must be time for the bitches and the hos! And we open on a view of NYC at night. Really, I cannot play a drinking game while watching ANTM, or I’ll die of alcohol poisoning. I can’t even keep track of the cliches. Let’s just assume that it’s all trite, and move along. AllisonKeanetheLemur is confessionalizing about something or another. I couldn’t tell you what, exactly, as I was utterly mesmerized by her beige mummy wrap which she had spiraling around her head. In the kitchen, Sandra and Animat are having a throw down over breathing each other’s air, or something equally inane and pointless. Sandra is wearing a Mammy-style head wrap. What is it with the do-rags on this batch of hamsters? Sarah flounces off, saying that she ain’t paying anyone else no nevermind, because “it is all about me.” Huh. Who’d a thunk that?
Tyra Mail tells the girls something about turning heads. They have no idea what this means. As ever. In the morning, they hit the street to find their new ANTM chariot awaiting: it is a pink stretch limo. So much for the going green of yesteryear. One of the hamsters describes it thusly: It’s pink. PINK!!! And it has these lines going all over it. That would be called “Plaid”, darlin’. It’s an old invention. You might want to brush up on some of that technical fashion lingo. In her defense, Miz Shoes would probably have been struck dumb her own self, faced at that wee hour of the morning with a pink stretch limo with lime green and purple plaid, like Lilly Pulitzer on bad acid.
Cut to the Two Jays at Bergdorf Goodman’s. They are engaged in some painful dialog with Miss Tyra over a badly animated i-phone, in which the conceit is Mission Impossible. There are dossiers. There is gaggingly bad acting. There is no need to linger on this memory. The girls arrive for their make overs, and are taken to John Barrett’s salon, somewhere in Bergdorf’s. They are told that they will not know what they are getting until they’re done. OK, let’s go.
Jessica gets edgy, shorter hair with a wave and a little red undertones. She takes another awful picture. Sandra gets her head shaved down to fuzz and bleached blonde. It pains me to say that she totally rocks it and doesn’t bat an eyelash. AllisonKeanetheLemur gets a big blonde weave and looks like a Walter Keane painting of Heather Graham. She says it makes her feel like a mermaid. OK. Nijah, who is really beautiful and doesn’t get any airtime admits that she hadn’t washed her hair in two weeks. The guys at the sink say that they’re going to have to toss the sink. Ick. She gets a long weave. Fo is too cute, so she gets a short, short boy cut. She sobs. Celia’s cheekbones need to shine, so her hair gets chopped into a Bridget Neilson sort of high faux hawk. Someone voices over that her hair was as dry as Gandhi’s sandal. Pretty funny. Animat’s fro turns out to be a weave, and it is cut off. Miss Jay waltzes around the salon wearing it like a bolero. Instead, she is given the Naomi Campbell, Cherokee Nation Cher long, straight weave. It takes her beauty down about twenty notches, and makes her look like the love child between Danielle and TiffanyfromtheHood.
plus
equals
Kortnie is too tan, so she gets red hair. It actually looks good. LondonComeToJesus gets some short, yellow blonde Twiggy cut, and rocks it for Jesus. Natalie has a melt down and cries and cries and says that she can’t let them cut her hair and has a freak out and then, GOTCHA!!! They weren’t going to cut her hair at all. Or dye it. Or do anything at all to her, they just were testing her desire and trust levels. Creepy. This pisses off the rest of the hamsters who don’t get why Natalie is considered “perfect” as is. Teyona gets a slick Jeri Curl weave. Tahlia gets a lion’s mane big blonde weave and it sucks.
Sarah trash talks Fo for crying over her hair. Then Fo gets in the confessional with yet another freakin’ do-rag and sobs and sobs and says that she’s never felt ugly a day in her life, even when she was living on food stamps in a shelter with her moms, but now, she has to hide her hair to feel pretty. Miz Shoes just wants to know how these girls have all managed to get to this point in their lives without ever having a bad hair cut. If Miz Shoes had cried over every bad hair cut she had as a child, she would have been dehydrated until she was 18 and in college, when the shag first reared its choppy head. It is the shame of Miz Shoes’ life that the shag, in all its variations, including and particularly the Roger Daltry in the 80s version, has always been the best hairstyle she’s ever worn. For the shag alone, Miz Shoes is accepting of the 80s revival.
The Challenges
Then Jessica confessionalizes that there isn’t anything that anyone could do to make her ugly. Except, one supposes, film her egocentricism and broadcast it for the world to see. That seems to be doing it for me. Moving on, we see Sutan (who’s looking good this season) and Elyssa Starkman, the Cover Girl liaison. They explain to the eager little hamsters that since there isn’t a WalMart in Manhattan (thank you Jeebus) they have brought the Cover Girl/WalMart make-up display to the girls. Their challenge will be to wander around in whatever part of town they have created this display set, grab a total random stranger who embodies the Cover Girl gestalt, and drag her in and sell her the new line of eye-color enhancing mascara. Which, to my further shame, sound interesting enough to try. The girls are broken into teams, and the winning team will get a photo shoot and ad somewhere. I don’t know where, because the pasta water was boiling, and the brocolli rabe needed stirring, and I was in the kitchen. The teams are Sandra, Animat and Celia, and there is surprising little drama in that combo. Fo, Kortnie and Wind In Her Face; Jessica, Tahlia and LondonComeToJesus, who have the best make up skills, but Sutan tells them that this isn’t America’s Next Top Make Up Artist and their sales skills were dismal. The last group is AllisonKeaneLemur, Natalie and Nijah. They are critiqued as taking the make up to the girl, not dragging the girl to the make up display. If you’re paying attention, this means that the Sandra/Animat/Celia team is the winner.
Next is the obligatory dinner out scene. They go to an African restaurant, which means that Sandra is lording it up. Animat is of legal drinking age, and wants a glass of wine. This prompts warnings from Sandra not to get drunk, and devolves into yet another Aminat/Sandra girl fight about class: who’s got it, who don’t. It’s sort of a draw, in that Sandra is saying that Animat is all trashy, which is blatant. A classy girl would just sniff that Animat is “interesting, bless her heart.”
Tyra Mail: How many girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb? All of them, because none of them have the slightest clue what this might mean, other than another photo shoot. They head off in the ghastly pink plaid Barbie Limo to a dark alley. There, Mr. Jay throws a light switch and tells them that the shoot will be all about lighting. They will have to light and direct themselves. The photographer is our own Nigel Barker (call me). He tells them that it’s a rock and roll theme, which means big hair, Trash and Vaudeville clothing, and a lot of eye make up. The girls are handed light bars (technical note: they are slave units, which means that when Nigel shoots, they are triggered by photo sensors which detect the main strobes going off) and told to work it. They will be shooting in groups. AllisonKeaneLemur is up first and Finds The Camera.
Nijah is disappointing to Nigel, because she has no passion. Jessica is underlighting herself. Mr. Jay explains it as holding a flashlight under one’s chin to make a horror face when telling ghost stories around the camp fire. She continues to do it, anyway. Nigel says that she didn’t understand the concept and couldn’t feel the light. (The pasta was done at that moment, and #3SD took over the notes). Animat takes risks and gives a crotch shot. (NICE. Missed that) Celia is in the background, and upstages Animat. Sandra stands smirking in the background. Celia understands the concept and how to work the lights, and does the best so far. Sandra (of course) is overthinking and looks bored. She needs more attitude, but ends up giving more character.?
Kortnie bores Nigel to tears, and he rips through the required number of shots without comment or direction or feeling. LondonComeToJesus complains that having to light oneself is Not What Models Do. Wind In Her Face is a genius and throws down some amazing poses. Fo is too nervous, and has completely lost her mojo with her hair. She actually cries on set. Mr. Jay asks Fo if without the sassy do she feels like a Plain Jane, and she says no, that she feels like Plain Jane’s brother! Sting! Natalie takes beautiful shots and gets lots of compliments all around.
Panel/Judging
Prizes. Judges. The guest judge today is Nole Marin who used to be a judge back in the first couple of seasons. He does not have his little dog with him today. Miss Jay’s schtick this year is going to be her stupid bowtie. It’s going to get bigger and have more layers each time a girl goes home. Good lord. No. Please. Just. No.
Fo is up first and given a beat down for letting her make over get the best of her. Tyra explains that only girls with beautiful faces get short hair. Miz Shoes will let that slide, and not review every slag she’s put into a boy cut. Nole tells Fo to step it up and swallow the tears. Kortnie lit herself poorly and wasn’t feeling it. Maybe she needs a pit crew. Nijah is wearing a pink blouse that Nigel/Tyra/Miss Jay and Nole all gag over. She’s told that she looks like she’s wearing her nightshirt to panel. Then they tell her that she has dead eyes in her photos. LondonComeToJesus is “willing to go there” whatever that means. Ah. It means her photos are good.
AllisonKeaneLemur is the poster girl for looking like an alien is beautiful. If they say so. Her photos aren’t bad.
Paulina gets her licks in at Sandra, whom she states “radiates dullness.” Schnort. There is no tension in her poses. Tyra demonstrates tension. Celia works it, displays tension in her photos and took fierce pix. As much as she’s older than dirt, and sorta smooshy faced, girlfriend knows her fashion shit. She always comes to panel dressed to impress. She knows how to take a picture. She could go all the way, except, you know, she has talent and we don’t much care for talent on ANTM. Jessica gets a put down from Nole who says she may be a novella star where she comes from, but not here. Snap! Tahlia isn’t modeling, she isn’t giving tension, she’s just a girl with… (and here my notes end. A girl with big dreams? A girl with big scars? A girl with a light stick?) Natalie comes to panel wearing a dress with doilies for sleeves. Nole proves that Tyra was wrong when she let him go (and needs to bring him back stat!) when he looks at this and exclaims “Do you girls even look in the mirror before you come here?” Wind In Her Hair totally rocked the shoot, but seeing the Jeri Curl weave, Tyra is not happy, and tells her that the weave will have to go. Animat got lost in the crowd in her pictures.
The judges deliberate thusly: blahblahblah, Paulina is disappointed in how dead Nijah photographs. Sandra has no personality. (Sure she does. It’s just stank.) AllisonKeaneLemur fierce alien. Celia is always on the catwalk at panel. Paulina is not convinced that Tahlia can model. Jessica is a “disaster, disaster, disaster” (that must have come from Nole). Wind In Her Face is fantastic on set. Animat is so awful (that weave, people, it stole her mojo) that Nole can’t even look at the pictures.
12 Beautiful Girls, 11 Photos
Wind In Her Face (Teyona) gets the first photo and the news that the Jeri Curl has got to go. She’ll be looking different next week. Celia. AllisonKeaneLemur. Natalie. LondonCometoJesus. Nijah. Tahlia. Sandra the Drama Llama. Kortnie the Pit Lizard. Aminah (bring tension!!) and Fo and Jessica are the last two. Who will stay? Will it be poor Fo who lost her mojo when they cut her hair and she even (gasp!) cried about it on set? Or will is be the pretty girl who doesn’t translate to film and who relies on pretty? Oh, come on. Like you can’t see this coming a mile away? How many seasons have we been watching this train wreck? Of course the pretty girl goes home to learn humility and fierceness, and the sobbing wreck stays to sack up and make a come-from-the-bottom redemption.
Next week? Miss Jay’s Charm School. One can only imagine.