It is morning, and we see the designers in their un-natural habitat. Stella is attempting to make coffee. It seems that she has never done this before and is using a giant pot-stirring wooden spoon to measure out the grounds. She refers to it as a tablespoon. I fear for her. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is sticking his little arm in a tiny patch of watery sunlight and attempting to photosynthesize. I fear for him, as well. Suede is complaining that Keith’s auffing has forced him, Suede, into the remaining suite with the rest of the boys and he’s not happy about it. I suspect that they are not happy, either.
At Parson’s, we are forced to endure another week of the winning designer not changing models. There are air-kisses, there are good byes. There is Tim Gunn, coming around the scrim, to tell the designers about their next challenge. They will be designing for a fashion legend. To find out who that is, they must follow him on yet another field trip.
As they walk, they speculate as to who this legend might be. An older celebrity? Oompa-Loompa-Licious hopes that it will be Mary-Kay Olsen, because he lurves her and wants to marry her. Oh, good lord. Does that mean Oompa-Loompa-Licious is straight, or that he wants to borrow her clothes because they wear the same size? Fortunately, this idle chatter is cut short as they arrive at their destination in the meat packing district. They enter a show room. It has pretty colors. It has a stairway made of glass that goes on forever. And descending the staircase is their legendary fashion figure: Diane Von Furstenberg. And descending. And descending. This gives the designers plenty of time to get all worked up, and Kenley lets loose with the tears. Jerell declares it a dream come true.
The challenge? To design a look for her fall collection, which is based on the Marlene Dietrich classic film “A Foreign Affair.” DVF gives them a 45 word plot synopsis, and half of those words are locations. Berlin. Shanghai. Paris. New York. Fabulous. Glamour. Where’s Daniel2.0, now? The designers will be allowed to ransack her workroom and use the actual fabrics she’s using in the fall line. The winner will get their garment manufactured and sold exclusively to American Express card holders, due to their sponsorship of the show, and DVF’s contract with Amex. This gets me a touch excited, because, hey! I have an American Express card. Here’s hoping that DVF makes clothes in sizes larger than Princess Puffysleeves does for Bluefly.
The designers have 15 minutes to grab all the fabric they can from the workroom. Jerell recognizes that this isn’t cheap crap and says that he is in heaven. Kenley cries. Stella can’t reach the bolts of black cloth that she wants and asks Tim to get it down for her. He tells her to figure it out, get someone else to do her heavy lifting, or find other fabric. Terri has glommed onto some black mohair from which she intends to make a jacket, some silk with an ugly, fireworks print and then interviews that she’s got the goods to make a pair of (and I quote, really. RJ went back and forth with the TIVO for at least three minutes to be sure) “sickening” pants.
At Parson’s, the designers have about 10 hours to review the look book from DVF’s fall line, design and construct. Leanne is relieved to have immunity in such a hard challenge, but she’s gunning to win again, any way. Straight Joe is doing layers and anticipates making 2 or 3 pieces. Jerell is doing a jacket, top, skirt, gloves and a hat. Kenley is crying. But she’s also going to do just one piece: a flawless, perfect dress that is the embodiment of 1930s Shanghai. She says.
Suede, who learned everything he ever knew about pre-war Berlin from repeated viewings of Cabaret, is going to do a masculine/feminine mash up with a camouflage-like print dress and a herringbone tweed vest. He interviews in THE THIRD PERSON (A-Fuckin-Gain) that “Suede is just focused on what Suede is here to do…hoping DVF adores it” and makes a widdle heart out of his fingers. There is sudden mass retching as MJ, RJ, The Number Three Surrogate Daughter and I all try not to lose the cosmos MJ has made.
Oompa-Loompa-Licious is working with black and has a pile of neon colored fabric at the ready. He interviews that he is a risk-taker, and he’s going to go out on a limb, and not just make another pair of pants like someone he could name. And he rolls his googly eyes. Speaking of the devil, Terri has made some high-waisted pants out of a tweedy, mens-wear fabric.
Stella, Leanne and Terri take a break to have a snack. Leanne asks Stella what she is going to make, and Stella gets very tight-lipped. She doesn’t want to reveal too much to the competition. Stella interviews that she isn’t telling anyone anything because she doesn’t trust Terri. Terri is badgering Korto about what she’s planning and Korto throws down that she’s making a vest. You wanna make a vest, Terri? Go ahead and we’ll take ‘em down the catwalk and see what happens. I’m thinking that nobody likes Terri.
Jerell is working with a dark blue fabric. Korto is saying that she wants to just blow DVF away. Stella, it turns out, is making a vest, a pair of pants and a cape. How this is different from everything else she’s done is yet to be seen. Straight Joe is working magic with a dusty rose fabric. He’s made a backless, wrapped blouse with a high, Asian-influenced collar and black frogs down the front. RJ and I love it.
Leanne is showing a cropped, oversize trench coat over a long evening gown. Her drawing shows a jacket that is so cropped, it looks like a trench bolero. I’m concerned. More disturbing is Leanne’s spy playing that involves skulking around corners and well, more skulking. Suede says that Suede would love to be a spy, but that the blue hair might be a give away. Terri talks trash about Kenley’s little dress. Kenley is still crying.
Finally. Three hours to go, and in comes Tim for a walkabout. He starts with Suede, who is still delusional about what camouflage looks like. Tim has concerns, Suede has crossed fingers (literally) that Suede is going to Bryant Park.
Leanne’s dress is sublime, he says, but edit the jacket: it looks sloppy. It is nothing like the cropped little drawing. Straight Joe’s Shanghai Lil ensemble is found to be ambitious. Tim is concerned about the amount of work left to do in the time remaining. Korto’s using a black and white print and a lemon yellow for accent. There’s a peek of the yellow along the armholes, and she’s piling it on as an underskirt to her evening gown. Tim first thinks the yellow looks like bra straps, then comes around to Korto’s point of view.
Stella explains, nasally, that she’s doing a pant/vest/cape. Maybe a small shirt? She’s wearing the Stupid Twee Hat of Doom. Don’t these people watch the show? The Stupid Twee Hat is right up there with Not Listening to Tim Gunn in the “guaranteed-to-get-you-thrown-off” category. Nevertheless, twee hat firmly perched askew on her black number one hair, Stella dismisses Tim’s advice that the judges found her work to be less than cohesive last week with this amazing exchange:
“They were clueless. That stylist with the oversized muumuu dress and waistband didn’t know any better.”
“Sorry, Rachel Zoe, we mean that in the nicest way poss..”
“No. I don’t. I meant it.”
“TIME!”
Kenley shows Tim her simple, beautiful silhouette with tears in her eyes. Tim warns her that that very simplicity could go either way for her. Kenley interviews (weeping the entire time) that this is Just. So. Big. She’s never designed for anything more high end than K-Mart or Wal-Mart. It is at this point that I realize that Kenley and Stella have the same, grating nasal voice. Not that K-Mart has anything to do with nasal.
Stella grates on about her perfect vest, which we on the couch can clearly see is not perfect, having fit issues and style issues and technique issues that are apparent to us, even in the soft glow of cosmos. She says that she isn’t going to listen to anyone about this. Knock, knock. Who’s there. Foreshadowing. Foreshadowing who? Foreshadowing that this is Stella’s last day at the rodeo.
We have made it to the morning of the runway show, and are rewarded with a shot of Jerell in his boxer/briefs, and just as quickly punished by a shot of Stella in her skin-tight leathers. In a small mercy, she is not wearing those damned Dr. Suess striped leggings. Hair and make up. Bluefly accessories.
Tim tells the designers to knock those pumps right off of Diane Von Furstenberg’s fabulous legs. Did she pay him to say that, do you think? We all notice that Kenley (who is still teary-eyed) is wearing pretty much the same dress as her model, but with large, fuchsia feathered epaulets. There is debate as we try to figure out if those are the fascinators she is so fond of wearing, or actual sleeve things. We finally agree that we don’t much care, and release the TIVO from its pause. This allows us time to watch the designers panic, diss each other and sew right until Tim shoves them out the door.
The guest judges tonight are Diane Von Furstenberg and Fern Mallis.
Joe’s design comes first, and from the couch, we’re loving the hooded shawl and wrap top. Leanne’s evening gown is perfect 1930s glamour, complete with a ruffle down the back seam. The micro-grey flannel trench coat is a little iffy. Terri sends out a furry trench coat thing, with the usual blah blouse and tight pants. Snore. Jerell’s concoction includes one of those Nehru hats he’s always wearing and a bunch of layers of stuff with a skirt that’s a little too short. Korto’s dress and jacket have lovely proportions and the color just pops against the black and white print.
Oompa-Loompa-Licious has made knickers. Or golf pants. Or something. It’s awful and we quickly move on to Suede’s fur-lined vest and faux-camo evening dress. Stella’s cape is sort of nice, in a British bobby sort of way. The vest and pants don’t fit, though. Last out is Kenley’s simple little dress.
Terri, Jerell and Oompa-Loompa-Licious are sent away as safe.
Korto’s look is free. DVF loves the yellow, and the Shanghai influence in the kimon-style wrap.
A close look at Straight Joe’s design reveals a lot of flaws in the workmanship. A lot. Michael says that the whole thing would land a woman in the “What was she thinking?” column in the fashion pages.
Kenley’s dress was colorful and chic. She stops crying long enough to say “I nailed it, didn’t I?” And the answer is no. Heidi says it’s pretty, but had nothing to do with DVF’s look book. Kenley says that’s because it was missing, and she filled in the blank. Diane very dryly thanks Kenley for her astute assessment of what her line needed. Kenley doesn’t recognize sarcasm when it’s wedged that far up her ass by DVF’s fine pumps. Michael allows as how it was beautifully made, and Fern Mallis likes it.
Stella is taken to task by Kors on the fit of every piece. She doesn’t care. Fern gets in a lick with “Stella wasn’t stellar.”
Leanne wows everyone. DVF loves the ruffles. Fern says that the whole look is a whole lot of good design. Suede, on the other hand, is loathed by everyone. The herringbone and print is derided. The skirt is torn to shreds. Michael throws the “Did she get dressed in the dark?” dish on Suede. Suede sort of whimpers that he didn’t think it was that bad. Suede is wrong.
The final results are: Korto is in. Poor Korto, always a bridesmaid, never a bride. I’m thinking she’ll be in Bryant Park, though. Leanne wins her second challenge, and does so going in with immunity. Way to go, little one. Suede is allowed to stay. That leaves Straight Joe and Stella standing in the spot lights. Straight Joe’s look was confused and the back a disaster. There was too much going on. Stella’s work was three pieces of ill-made crap. The entire look was bad, and she is told to leave. As she bends down to kiss Heidi’s cheek, Stella says that her ego was too big for this competition anyway and she never should have been there.
She goes into the back with the other designers and basically tells them all that she’s thrilled to be leaving and that the judges can all go suck eggs. Tim is only too happy to tell her to pack her bags, and she is more than delighted to oblige. And that, my dear readers, is that. Except for the final, nasal “fuck you if you don’t like my stuff, I’m a rock star” that Stella delivers. I rather think that if Jeffery-the-Pinheaded-Shmoo had been kicked off, this would have been the exit interview he gave. The two of them should get together.
Next week? Terri loses her mind.