An apology if I’m late to the Project Runway recap party, for those of you who come for that. I was participating in RJ’s Share Our Strength, Great American Bake Sale yesterday. Despite a certain “Hey guys, let’s put on a show” impromptu, we raised $700 selling baked goods at Fairchild Tropical Botanic Gardens. When you put together a group of food bloggers, foodies and cooking-as-a-competitive-if-not-blood sport women, and ask them to hold a bake sale, this is what you get: strawberry jam, strawberry with an infusion of mint from the garden jam, chocolate-chocolate-chip biscotti, pistachio-cranberry biscotti, framboise brownies, lemon sweet rolls, strawberry sweet rolls using the aforementioned strawberry jam, and a raffle basket of a full pan of the framboise brownies, a bottle of the raspberry wine secret ingredient all the way from Oregon, and the recipe (laminated so you can use it to cook), chocolate chip banana bread and rum-raisin/white chocolate chip/macadamia nut cookies, zuchini bread by the loaf or slice, double chocolate brownies and brown sugar cookies, spicy cheese crackers, ginger/apricot biscotti, mango-pecan rugelech, chai tea bread in mini loaves, key lime cookies, banana bread by the loaf or slice, wheat-free/oat bran muffins sweetened with maple syrup or agave nectar or honey, in various flavors, and donations by Dunkin’ Donuts and a brand new bakery in South Miami, Sweetness. And one of my quilts for the raffle.

Next year, of course, we’ll have time to really put something together. Back to your regularly scheduled Project Runway snark.

Heidi congratulates the remaining designers, and tells them they have $9K and four months to create 10 pieces. Mila and Jay will each show three, and one of them will continue to Bryant Park and the other will not. Tim gives everyone a pep talk and sets up the home visit segment. Mila says that she and Jay are both strong, but that she’s stronger. Jay says that he can beat Mila. Emilio is smug and Seth Aaron assures us that “Fuck A, I can win this.”

Three months later, we see Tim Gunn in Vancouver, Washington, where he will visit Seth Aaron and his family. He has a lovely home and a lovely wife, and lovely children, and lovely parents, and lovely photos of himself growing up next door to the woman he married. Amazingly enough, this much sweetness and light and Tim jumping on the trampoline in his suit does not make Miz Shoes nauseated in the least. It is testament to Seth Aaron’s skillz and engaging persona, as well as Mrs. Seth Aaron telling us that the children are on notice that if Daddy wins, they will all be in therapy immediately to deal with it. As for the purpose of the visit, Tim goggles at the sheer quanity of work that Seth Aaron has produced and tells him that he’ll never win with this collection. That as good as it is, it is just more of the same that got him to this point and he needs to stretch to find another level, something new and unexpected. Tim tells Seth Aaron that he can do this. Seth Aaron holds his head and says that half the money is gone and two thirds of his time, but he’s going to Listen to Tim Gunn. Tim leaves Seth Aaron some final words of advice: “Reflect. Slow and steady wins the race.”

Next, Tim is allowed to return to New York City, where he hooks up with Emilio and his two brothers. They all have the same speech impediment. They all sort of look alike, too. Emilio gets the winner edit of how his parents were poor immigrants and he grew up in the poor part of Harlem and blahblahblah. He is inspired by color and himself. He is using turquoise, mustard and red. He has made another one of his logo prints. He argues with Tim. He says nasty things about Tim and whether he can have any knowledge of what women wear, when he does not wear women’s clothes. And Emilio does? Is that what he just said?

Back to Los Angeles, where Tim will be forced to endure Mila’s company. She has clearly had a make over, as her hair is no longer black number one, but has some tone to it, and her bangs sweep to the side. There’s a softness to her face, too, as if she’s had a little help there too, or maybe it’s just that she’s stopped wearing that stark red lipstick. Either way, she lets Tim into a black and white house, with a black and white dog, with black and white photos on the white walls, and she talks about her inspiration: stark black and white shadows. It is her intent, she says, to introduce aubergine. Tim calls it matronly, and she asks the camera if he’s fucking kidding her. It is during this confession that she says that she does not want to lose to Jay and calls him something with two syllables and an opening F. It is beeped and Miz Shoes cannot tell if she has used a derogatory epithet connoting sexual identity or merely a vulgar verb/noun. Either way, it isn’t pretty and seems to indicate that the editors don’t like Mila any more than any of the other contestants do.

Finally, Tim heads up to San Francisco to meet Jay, his parents and extended family. Jay is doing a black and white collection based on samurai and geishas. He has introduced aubergine and a dark red. Tim holds up a sleeve that is made of tabbed segments on a band (think of a fish skeleton when you fillet a whole one). Where is this woman going in this? he asks Jay. I dunno says Jay. Tim calls it koo-koo. Jay says Koo-Koo Channel, girlfriend. There is gay hilarity. Then there is a Filipino feast. Jay cries and says that he just wants to be able to pay his hard-working (and long suffering) parents back for all they’ve done.

At last we return to New York City, where Mila is the first to arrive at the Product Placement Hotel with their trademark named sleeping furniture. She swans around the suite, pretending that she’s won. Next is Jay, who will also be staying there. They are roommates. How awkward. There is an attempt at reconciliation, wherein Jay is made to feel as though he is now Mila’s friend. Seth Aaron arrives, having taken Tim’s advice and made an entirely new collection. Emilio comes in and says that he made a new collection too, even though he would rather die than admit that he took Tim’s advice.

Morning! Workroom. Jay and Mila have to share a work table. Awkward. Tim looks better than ever. It ‘s his collar. He’s wearing a higher collar. It isn’t a Karl, but it’s higher and tighter. Mila and Jay have three hours to put their three looks together and send them out to be judged. Jay’s shin guards won’t zip up. Mila’s going to do a smoky eye. Does she ever do anything OTHER than that damned smoky eye? Hofuckinghum. With five minutes to go, Jay cries and Mila pretends to.

Our judges are only Heidi, Michael Kors and NinaGarcia. Mila sends out a sharp grey coat over a black and white, stripes and herringbone sixties shift. A horrible fish scale (black and white) paillot disco dress with an attached black patent leather dog collar, and something else black and white. Stripes. Bat wings. 60s. Jay puts out a purple tunic/minidress with black leggings and sculpted shoulders, a pair of pants with a silver top and a bolero in black that looks like football shoulder pads, but in a totally new and sorta hot way. A jacket and the thigh-high spats that he’s made out of that fish-spine technique over blood red leggings/pants. So hot. So innovative. So very, very, very hot.

Mila talks about her shadow inspiration. NinaGarcia and Michael hate her styling. It’s OK to be retro, they say, but make it a little modern by styling the models to look less like you.  NinaGarcia says that separates are good, but this is just the same old same old, and she isn’t seeing anything new. If she had to put out six collections a year, says NinaGarcia, and all she uses is black and white, what could she possibly do? Michael likes the fingerless gloves she had made.

Jay points out his Samurai influence. You really pumped up the volume, says Heidi. Can I have that purple mini-dress, please? Michael Kors is totally stealing the gaiters. He’s finding them to be very hot. NinaGarcia says that the tailoring is impeccable, but the taste level… Nothing retro here, says Michael Kors, pointedly. Nothing but of its own time.

The judges have one last pass, with the designers off stage. Michael Kors says that this went to Jay. Heidi says that it went to Mila. NinaGarcia says she can’t decide. Michael says that Mila is nothing but retro, and all black and white. The only word he can use for Jay, though, is ungapatchka, Yiddish for all over the place patched together. Who do we want to see more of? Michael Kors looks so pissed when they say that they’ve made their decision, that Miz Shoes knew right then what happened: apparently the Powers That Be decided for NinaGarcia, because inexplicably, the win goes to Mila. Both NinaGarcia and Michael Kors tell her that they have one big tip for her: style young for Bryant Park.

We open on the men’s dorm room, where three of them are singing a morning song in falsetto, whilst Seth Aaron clutches his head. MizShoes feels his pain.

Mila, despite having devoured Maya’s soul and sent her fleeing for her life, is still droning on and on in an atonal manner devoid of affect.

“Blahblahblahvisualizingbeingthefinalistblahblahblah.”

Heidi tell the designers that they will be taking one last field trip to a tent which is not in Bryant Park, but will get them there… or at least, only three who are still in the competition. The reality is different than the reality show, so let’s pretend that she’s right.

Coney Island! The Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus!!! Tim in the center ring! Designers of all ages clapping their hands in delight and wonder. Water! Feathers! Acrobats! Clownsare going to eat me! Miz Shoes loves the circus, despite the presence of clowns. Today, the designers will be treated to a special show (lucky bastards) and their final challenge is to design a high-end runway look inspired by the show. Mila claims to have been hoping that they’d be going to the circus. Jay is mesmerized by the well-muscled, well-oiled torsos of the half-naked male acrobats, as well he should be. Seth Aaron is mesmerized by the motorcyclists whizzing by each other in the Wall of Death, as well he should be.

They have half an hour to sketch, $300 at Mood and a final two days to sew. Emilio is going to go with stripes, polka dots and scale. He was in the theater, you know. He has an edge, you know. Mila is inspired by the ringmaster’s costume and so is going to make another basic pant, another basic top and one last coat that will constitute the entire look, no doubt in black and white and color blocked. Anthony loved the girl on the high rope, and wants to bring that sense of weightlessness and movement to the runway. Jay returns to his personal well, the pants with volume on the hip and thigh, although in this instance he claims inspiration from the clown pants, and a jacket. Seth Aaron is in his element. Tim tells Anthony to pump up the volume.

In the workroom, Emilio and Mila are annoying each other. Emilio is all blahblahblahI’mthebestblahblahblah and Mila is rolling her eyes and going, what an ego you have Mr. Kettle, and Emilio is making choo-choo train noises and gloating over his string of wins and blahblahblah. MizShoes thinks those two deserve each other. Anthony looks around the workroom and he’s the only one using blue. Jay gets a foreshadowing edit of “Oh, would it suck to get this close and not go.” Emilio is doing something with stripes that he thinks is brilliant.

Tim comes for his walkabout (engage with me) and has to clutch his pearls when Seth Aaron tells him that he’s thinking of making a top hat to go with his ringmaster-inspired coat. Emilio is engineering (choo-choo) his black and white look with a Watteau back (cut to Mila rolling her eyes, because she didn’t think of saying something classically referential first). Tim chokes and asks how Emilio could go to the fucking CIRCUS and come out with a look in black and white. Where is the color? Emilio disses Tim and tells him not to worry, little man, I’ve got this. BlahblahLISTENTOTIM,ASSHOLEblahblahblah. Tim tells Anthony to let his viscera rule. Anthony blinks rapidly.  Mila is doing shiny. A shiny coat over a shiny pair of tight pants. She’s planning on using ivory at the neck and Tim tells her to ditch it and use the stripes instead. She immediately sees how she can color block stripes and so listens to Tim. Jay explains his clown pants and military jacket and there is gay merriment as he and Tim decide who’s the good bitch or the bad bitch.

Jay gets another loser edit as he talks about the faith his friends and family have in him. Emilio sews ruffles. Seth Aaron isn’t sure about Mila’s shiny, shiny, shiny. Anthony thinks that there is a lot of costume in the room, and goes over to Jay to tell him that his jacket looks like a Michael Jackson jacket (which it does, but, dude, play nice, eh?). Mila says it looks like a Michael Jackson jacket, but nobody expects her to play nice.

Morning of the show, and Mila pretends to show emotion by playing back the “I’m nervous as hell” chip on her speech program. Emilio says blahblahblahwhimsysexydramablahblahblah. Mila says that Jay and Anthony need to go home. Jay says that Mila doesn’t have what it takes to do a show, but then he loathes her as a human, so that may have colored his opinion somewhat. With 10 minutes to show time, Seth Aaron is freakin, Mila is atonal and Emilio is insufferable.

Heidi comes out in a giant print that probably couldn’t be shown on teevee in prime time, or maybe that’s just my Freudian interpretation of those hairy pink vertical ovals. Something about a double elimination tonight. Judges are Michael Kors, Ninagarcia and Cynthia Rowley, who may or may not be wearing the same pink satin pillowcase Heidi was wearing when she announced the challenge.

Jay’s model walks out in tight black pants and a Michael Jackson waiter’s jacket. Mila has paired her hot pink cigarette pants with an electric yellow tank top and a black and white striped ringmaster’s long-tail coat. The coat’s stand up collar is backed in the same hot pink satin. Anthony’s blue dress has an unfortunate line of gathering up the front of the model’s stomach, a plunging neckline and oversized ruffles for sleeves. Except for the sad attempt at ruching, the skirt is pretty much the same as last week’s black and white cookie dress. Emilio sends out a Moulin Rouge (Jose Ferrer version) can-can dress with stripes and polka dots and a short front and a Watteau back and more stripes and declares that his look is not costume, but couture. Seth Aaron’s version of the ringmaster jacket is black and white stripes with yellow trim. The sleeves are great sweeping, swooping bells that extend a good foot beyond the model’s finger tips. The pants are red leather.

Heidi loves Seth Aaron’s look. Ninagarcia finds it a tad costumey, but loved the fantasy elements of it. Cynthia Rowley finds it interesting. Michael Kors calls out the crazy crotch and suggests that Seth Anthony could fill it out better, if you know what he means. Miz Shoes DOES know what he means and finds it a little creepy that MK went there, if you know what she means. And then another Project Runway first. Michael Kors is so appalled at the fabric that Anthony used that he goes up and feels it. Dropping the fabric like it was hot, he shrieks: it’s POLYESTER!!1!!, which prompt Heidi to run up and feel it, too. And with that, the entire world knows that Anthony is so not going to Bryant Park.

Mila gets a little love from Michael, but Cynthia Rowley thinks the color should have been toned down and Ninagarcia simply says that she hates it. Emilio gets petted and fawned over as Heidi finds the dress stunning, and MK says (echoing exactly what Emilio predicted in the workroom) that it is his favorite garment of the entire season. Blahblahblahgushgushgushblahblahblah. Next the obligatory why should you go and who should go with you segment. Seth Aaron says he’s well-grounded and can design and he’d want Emilio and Jay to go with him. Jay pleads that he really can do this and that Seth Aaron has a strong point of view and that he’d need to share the moment with his BFF Anthony. Sniffle, sniffle. Mila is strong and thoughtful and it’s her time and she doesn’t want to throw the fight and get a one-way ticket to Palookaville.

She’d like to take Emilio and Seth Aaron, and in a fair fight, she might win, if she uses her android strength. Emilio thinks they should just anoint him the winner already because of his genius and skills, but to throw a sop to the requirement of another two episodes, his majesty will graciously allow Seth Aaron and Mila to continue. It doesn’t matter what Anthony says, because he used polyester.

The judges continue to ponder. Emilio was sophisticated, but Seth Aaron not as much. Still, Seth Aaron never played it safe. He was innovative. The judges are all curious as to what he would do as a collection. It wouldn’t bore Nina, whatever it was. Anthony used polyester. Michael Kors says that Mila’s work is flat (sort of like her voice and her hair). She isn’t always relevant, but she can tailor. Jay’s work is a matter of taste and who is he as a designer? Miz Shoes says, he’s the guy who wants to put turkey legs on women everywhere.

In the biggest shock of Project Runway, ever, they declare Emilio as their unanimous favorite. Emilio says that he’s humble, inside. Seth Aaron has shown time and time again how creative he is, and his tailoring is consistently good. He goes backstage and engages in a pillow fight with Emilio. Miz Shoes is mesmerized. Back on the runway, Anthony is told that he won some good challenges to win, but that DUDE, POLYESTER???????? Go home and consider your sins. Mila was impressive throughout, except for tonight, when she was disappointing. Jay played it safe when he shouldn’t have. So, instead of a double elimination, we’re going to have you both create collections, but only one of you will show and compete at Bryant Park. (Remember, this is a reality show, not reality.)

Next week, Tim visits the designers in their homes and tells Seth Aaron to rethink, Mila that her work looks matronly and Emilio tells the audience that he doesn’t give a rat’s pattootie what Tim Gunn says about anything. Oh, please. ALWAYS LISTEN TO TIM GUNN.

Last week, I dug my prized possession, a 1986 Nikon F2A out from the bottom of my closet. I was shocked at how much dust coated the Domke bag. When I opened it, I got a nasty shock: the lens cap and skylight filter were shattered, but the lens itself was ok. I can’t remember the last time I put a roll of film through this camera. But the meter worked, and the solid thunk of the shutter sounded right. Then I looked at my lenses. Every one of them had mildew and mold on every element. I dragged everything down to the local pro shop, and they looked at me like I had grown a third head. First of all, no. They did not sell used equipment anymore and had no interest in even looking at my gear for trade. Second of all, it would cost more to refurbish the lenses than they are worth. Third, go down to this guy, they said, he buys film cameras.

At first, I thought I was in the wrong place. It looked like the seediest of pawn shops. But it wasn’t. It was, it is, a camera grave yard. There were cardboard boxes stacked six deep in the aisles, and every one of them was filled with camera bodies and lenses. Nikons. Cannons. Minoltas. Twin lens reflex, medium format. SLRs. So much junk. My body alone had cost me $800 back when it was new and I had to go to New York City to the camera district to get that deal. I had a 300 tele that my parents brought me from Japan. I shot more concerts with that equipment, more grip and grins, more parties and family reunions than I can remember. But I sucked it up. This is not my bread and butter anymore. I am never going to have a darkroom in my house. I will never shoot film again. I have switched to digital. I can let go.

I left with an empty camera bag signed by some of the musicians I shot over the years, and a $50 bill, not even crisp. To say that part of my soul died would not be an exageration, but not from the dingy bill, from the sight of all those cameras waiting to be sold for scrap. The only people who buy film SLRs these days, said the man as he shoved the money at me, are students.

On the heels of realizing that a technology I loved and practiced was dead, I got a box in the mail from Gallofornia. In it were two packages of GettaGrip Sewing Clips, a couple of t shirts and two bags, a big red canvas bag (perfect for my knitting) and the cutest little blue velvet purse you ever saw. I am so psyched! I Skyped Paulie when I opened the box and he had some fabulous news: the clips have been featured on Sandra Betzina’s blog, AND she’s putting them in her newest book, coming out in the fall. I cleared out the sewing area of my studio this past weekend, so watch out. With my GettaGrips in hand, and my sewing machine in the clear, I’m going to be sewing up a storm for the rest of the year.

As I tried to explain to someone earlier, my bestie invented the GettaGrip, a hot new sewing tool, or maybe, my bestie IS a hot sewing tool, but either way, check him out and BUY A SET!!!!

Isn’t he hot?

It is quiet in the Atlas, now that Anthony is gone, says Seth Aaron. Too quiet. In the women’s oda, May/la is making toast for Mil/ya. They eye each other. May/la is wrung out, and Mil/ya says that’s because she is the youngest, but that she herself, is older and wiser. Older, for sure. 

On the runway, Heidi digs it in that at this point in the competition, things just keep getting harder. Their challenge today will be to create a look for a celebrity known for being opinionated and headstrong; one who knows clearly what they want. Then she laughs at their concerned faces and tells them how glad she is not to be in their shoes. Nice.

In the workroom, Tim expands on the challenge. It will be a red carpet look for a celebrity. And that celebrity is… HEIDI! And here she is. Heidi tells them to keep their own point of view, but to look at her dossier. She will be post-partum, she says, so keep it simple and keep her on the best-dressed list. They have thirty minutes to sketch, and $300 at Mood.

Seth Aaron says that this is a challenge one wants to win. May/la looks at her sketchbook and walks out. Jonathan is so freaked by his place in the bottom of the pack, that he throws all of his design sense out the window and panics. He says that he’s living in opposite world, where his work is seen by the judges as ugly, so he’s going to make something ugly today so that the judges will love it. Miz Shoes speculates that that only works in Silver Age Superman Bizarro World, and wishes Jonathan good luck. Mil/ya grumps that she doesn’t DO red carpet. Emilio reminds the universe that a red carpet look has to be BAM-WOW.

Tim and May/la come back into the workroom, looking solemn. May/la has decided that she’s had enough. She’s leaving the show. She says that she’s too young and not ready to show a complete collection, that she doesn’t have a point of view, yet. She doesn’t even want to one last challenge. She is done. And that, dear readers, is the answer to the Mayan Mystery. She just left. Jay is sympathetic to her and her youth. Emilio pulls out the old “winners never quit and quitters never win” platitude. Seth Aaron, though, our lovely, sensitive Seth Aaron recognizes that this is a grueling endeavor and that we in the viewing audience have no clue how grueling. We cannot sit here on our sofas and judge her, says Seth Aaron, and he sums it up with a final admonition to just Fuck. Off. Tim tells the shell-shocked remaining designers to “Rally” and off they go to Mood.

Jonathan is looking for a print that he can use for his cut away technique. Mila is leaving her comfort zone of black and white to use gunmetal grey and gold. Seth Aaron is using black, of course, but says that half of the fashion in Heidi’s look book is black, so it isn’t a stretch for either of them. Besides, he could still get sent home next, NOT.

Back in the workroom, Tim is waiting to tell them that they still need six designers for this challenge, so the last one off will be asked back. In comes Anthony, and immediately begins to chatter like a magpie. He calls himself chocolate pudding and asks who WOULDN’T want Anthony back? He’d want Anthony back. He LOVES Anthony. Emilio is cranky and begins his litany of why one cannot make a red carpet gown in one day. There is an under structure of boning and such, and wahwahwah. Tim comes back in and calls Seth Aaron out into the hall.

Mila is so disturbed by the loss of her MiniMila, that she cannot focus. Seth Aaron comes back in to say that he’s lost his model because she has had the chance to work a Dona Karan show, and you know? Good for her and her career, he’s just gonna have to suck it up and work with whoever the last model thrown off was. She’s an entirely different size than his old model, but he’ll just make it work.

Heidi’s in the house! For the First Time Ever! on Project Runway, she comes into the work room. She begins with Seth Aaron and tells him that long, black and simple is OK, but she wants a show stopper. Anthony is working in black and white. Emilio is doing a mermaid hem in a coppery shiny fabric. Jay has a bodice of a thousand horizontal pleats. Much hilarity ensues when he says that the shape of the bodice allows for the space between her breasts, and she points out that she has no space between her breasts, that they, in fact, collide and proceeds to pull down her neckline to show him. Awkward.

As for Mila’s dress? Well, it isn’t bad, but she must ask herself, are the other dresses better? Not in Mila’s world view. Poor Jonathan. She hates his cut away work all coral under beige and silver and tells him it looks like curtains. Curtains for Jonathan, maybe.

Model fittings! Seth Aaron has to take inches in on his dress. Emilio continues to complain. Jay is pondering his dilemma: Heidi has said that his skirt is going to make her butt look big. Does he change it to suit the client, or stay true to his vision? Jonathan has no such problem. Heidi hated his work, so he pitches it and makes another dress, all swoopy and swirly and drapey, just like she asked for. He hates that one, so he starts on his third dress with whatever scraps of fabric he has left.

Morning of the show and Mila has doubts after Heidi’s critique. Someone (Jonathan or Emilio) points out that it’s always good when all of the designers are in the same horrible, sinking boat. Anthony has rushed through his bodice and isn’t happy with it, so he starts again, rather than trying to fix the first one. Jay just wants to finish, Jonathan is just over it all, and wishes he’d left with Maya when he had the chance. Mila throws shade on Jonathan. Emilio trashes Seth Aaron’s look, down to hair and make up. Jonathan hates his dress and hopes that means the judges will like it.

Runway! Six now, five later. Judges are Michael Kors, NinaGarcia and Jessica Alba. Jay’s dress is silver grey with that fitted, pleated bodice (still with the seashell cups with three fingers of space between them) and a vertically ruffled tutu over the hips and butt. Mila’s dress is short and color blocked and a big snooze with a wide v-neck and narrow straps. Anthony’s black and white cookie of a dress is backless, and moves beautifully on the runway, with a slit that shows leg when the model walks. It is sexy and glamorous. Seth Aaron’s black, tank top dress has some studs or straps or something, but is forgettable. Jonathan’s dress is pathetic: badly draped, badly hemmed and shorter even than Heidi would wear. Emilio’s used coppery Mylar dots to make a strapless column dress with a half-bow handle on one boob. It is well structured and looks a lot like his winning Harlem evening gown.

The judges address Seth Aaron first: too Seth Aaron and not enough Heidi says NinaGarcia. Michael Kors says that this would be worn by the girl who carries the statuette, not the winner. Heidi says not sexy enough. Anthony tells them that his dress is a canvas to be accessorized. Michael Kors loves it. Jessica Alba loves it. NinaGarcia calls it stunning and red-carpet appropriate. Mila claims her dress is sleek and sexy, but the fit at the bust is criticized by Jessica. Heidi says that it is not a show stopper, and that it is too simple. Predictably, the judges all fall off their chairs over Emilio’s sequins, or more accurately, over the execution of the under-armature. Jay’s corset is beautiful, but how many times do you have to be told that NO WOMAN WANTS A BIG BUTT. (This has caused all sorts of blogosphere yapping about cultural sensitivity and how some cultures/ethnicities do, in fact, want big butts, but that is a debate for another blog.) Miz Shoes falls squarely on her own fat ass in the Do NOT Want camp. Jonathan’s dress is too short, and the back draping is good, but the front sucks. The judges catch on quickly that this was his third dress, made of equal parts desperation and fabric scraps.

The judges talk behind the designers’ backs. Seth Aaron was too safe and not body-conscious enough for Heidi’s body. Jessica wants Anthony’s dress, and who wouldn’t’? Jonathan made an unfortunate, dull pillowcase. It looked amateur. More culturally insensitive yammering about the big butt. Emilio is the only one who knew how to do an understructure that enabled him to drape stretchy Mylar sequins without looking cheap and tacky. Mila’s look is dismissed as “Housewives of New Jersey”. Heidi says that Mila is talented enough, but do they really want to see any more from her? Miz Shoes says that she hasn’t wanted to see more of Mila since about episode three, but nobody asks her.

And we do not have a winner this week, we have two winners. Heidi says that Emilio won and she can’t wait to wear his dress on some random red carpet or anther, and Jessica Alba says that Anthony won, and if he wouldn’t mind, she would like to wear his dress on some red carpet, and he just claps his little hands in elfish glee and says damn straight, woman, you better believe I want to let you. Hell’s bells, I went from out the door to co-winner; you can wear what ever you want whenever you want. Emilio gloats about his three consecutive wins (two of which were joint wins, but he doesn’t mention that). Seth Aaron is in. Mila is in. Jay made something that was not red carpet, nor was it flattering, and he didn’t listen when Heidi told him to take the volume off the bottom. Jonathan just delivered another mess that fell short of his talent. Jonathan goes Aufsie Daisy and Jay gets to try again next week, when Michael Kors says that something looks like a giant blue condom. But is it a giant, blue DISCO condom, Michael?

Atlas morning rituals. Jonathan misses Amy. Game on. May/la is jealous of Seth Aaron’s win. She sulks about being safe all the time. Emilio is full of himself. Runway. Heidi gives a clue: more than just picking fabric. Seth Aaron speculates that this means pocket elves to help them sew. Seth Aaron, did you just make a joke about the production company?

Into the workroom for this week’s infomercial and celebrity product shill. Computers, software and Vivienne Tam, in order. The challenge, and Miz Shoes’ speculation last week was correct, to design their own fabric, and then create a look from it. They have one hour to design the fabric, two days to sew, and a field trip to Mood to get supplemental fabric and findings and notions. Miz Shoes would love to see the button selection at Mood.

Seth Aaron is jazzed, Anthony doesn’t like prints, Mil/ya is doing giant paint drips and Jonathan is doing the same thing electronically that he does on real fabric: layering and removing layers. He calls it subtractive. OK, that’s cool. The program interface lets you use an actual paintbrush against the computer screen. No mousing around, no mechanical device that attempts to feel like a pencil in your hand, a real fucking brush that would give the user actual tactile feedback. REAL DRAWING. Still not enough to make Miz Shoes give up her Mac, but dude. Put that shit in the Apple and the world would change. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah. Project Runway.

Emilio is creating a graffiti-inspired logo. May/la is making red/orange stripes. Seth Aaron is doing a pop-art design that he calls a British take on pop-punk. The designers get paper print-outs of their fabric designs to take to Mood. Jonathan’s is so pale that nothing prints. Mil/ya has purchased a ton of some garish yellow. Anthony is going to do separates, including his first ever jacket. Bad. Idea. Meanwhile, Emilio has a robin’s egg blue leather bustier that he is not happy with as he views it on his mannequin. He clutches his head in his hands and listens to his viscera. His viscera tells him to scrap the piece, so he does.

May/la thinks that she’s in trouble, because she never uses prints and has no idea what to do. Seth Aaron gets the loser edit and is seen talking to his wife on the phone. The fabrics arrive in the workroom, and Mil/ya hates Emilio’s print and says that he has no taste.  The designers all love their own fabrics, though. May/la is troubled, because she can’t be sculptural with print fabric. Mil/ya is going to make a tent dress with tepee canvas and her giant paint drip print.

Tim works the room, beginning with Emilio. He can’t read the print and thinks it says something about Seth Aaron. He hates the twee heart that makes the “O” in Sosa.  ES?SA. Emilio gets all huffy that Tim is “mocking” him and says that he is over listening to Tim Gunn. He’s doing a 1940’s silhouette swing-back jacket over a simple sheath dress. Miz Shoes idly wonders how many simple sheath dresses have come down the runway over seven seasons.

Tim isn’t sure about Seth Aaron’s print. May/la confesses that she has designer’s block this week. Anthony’s work isn’t ambitious enough. Wait! Did we just get a glimpse of Jay working with something black and electric green? Where’s that footage? Jonathan is doing his same-old, same-old: soft and hard, sweet and edgy. And pale. Really, really, pale. May/la continues to whine. Time for our first trash-talk round robin. Emilio starts by saying the Mil/ya has made a white tepee and how can she call herself a designer when she can’t use color. Mil/ya counters with the opinion that her color sense is stellar, but that Anthony has questionable taste. Anthony himself says that his bodice has given him a “conundrum” while Seth Aaron continues to be jazzed. And confident.

Runway morning, and May/la hasn’t slept. Jay is wearing electric green pants that match what we may have seen to be his fabric, and Anthony tells him that he looks like a gay Christmas tree ornament. Says the gay in the Member’s Only jacket. Jay changes his pants. Mil/ya is droning something about her chance of getting to Bryant Park by dint of her consistency (hobgoblin of little minds) and her ability to do something every week. Well, there was an adjective in there, but it wasn’t anything accurate. Round robin two: Anthony says Jonathan’s work is too pale and Jonathan says Mil/ya’s dress is too stiff. We see her model unable to walk in it. Seth Aaron is still sewing when Tim calls the ten minute warning.

Heidi is on the runway wearing a chain around her neck, each link of which is about the size of a croissant and made of something as thick around as Miz Shoes’ wrist. Wow. Just. Wow. The judges are the orange Michael Kors, the NinaGarcia and the unintelligible Vivienne Tam.

Seth Aaron’s look leads off, and it is, as usual, impeccable and interesting and cool. There are pants with a detail up the front of the leg that could be a zipper, and the hip little blazer made of his fabric, which he has set on the bias, so that his little cartoon blocks are not squares, but diamonds. Not for the first time, Miz Shoes wants to wear what Seth Aaron designs. Jonathan has covered up his little dress with a gold leather wrap jacket that wraps backwards. The dress has a sweetheart neck over a grey chiffon racer-back top with a big floppy bow on the neck wrap. May/la has made a simple sheath dress, but used her own print as side panels and made a center panel of black ruched fabric, with a deep v-neckline filled with high ruffles of black and the print. It’s part clown collar and part Elizabethan ruff.

Emilio’s 1940’s bed jacket is worn over a 1960’s wiggle dress with a black inverted triangle at the neck and a black belt. Mil/ya scowls at her model, who has had the nerve to haul the dress up on one side so that she can actually walk down the runway. Anthony’s made a plain little nothing dress out of his fabric and topped it with a micro-vest/bolero/shrug thing in black. Before you can focus on it, Jay’s military jacket over a black catsuit with a turtleneck that covers the models chin has come, gone, been declared safe and sent off screen forever.

As so often happens when the judging begins, Miz Shoes wants whatever they’re having, because the judges all just fall off their directors stools for Emilio’s logo print and bed jacket. Heidi wants it. Michael Kors coos over the logo. NinaGarcia calls it chic. Mil/ya calls her fabric a painterly print and Michael Kors tells her that there is nothing interesting in her look at all, and did she not notice that the model couldn’t walk? Heidi complains that Mil/ya is stuck in the 70s and Vivienne says that the print and the design don’t work together. NinaGarcia tries to get Anthony to put a name to the shrug thing and he starts to spin a song and dance and NinaGarcia tells him to put a sock in it.

Seth Aaron is called impeccable, adorable, well-made and charming, and so are his clothes. May/la created a romantic warrior, according to MK. Vivienne likes it. What none of the judges like, however is Jonathan’s backward wrap jacket, or Michael Kors’ disco straight jacket. MK says that Jonathan’s print looks like a dirty table cloth and Jonathan takes umbrage, saying that that description is preposterous. NinaGarcia puts an end to the bantering by saying the look was a full-on catastrophe, period, end of story.

Anthony never shuts up and always does the same silhouette with different trim. Mil/ya took the easy way out and made either a striped tepee or Michael Kors’ mom’s patio dress from 1972. Jonathan could be as peeved as he wanted over it, his fabric was too conceptual and looked like dirty table linens. Seth Aaron is the shit, always designing something polished on no money and with no time. He is true to himself and whimsical. Emilio invented the wheel, or made a logo, pick one. May/la designed a really great new form of striped fabric! It was the bestest print ever!

Annnnnd, Emilio wins his third challenge and becomes even more insufferable as a result, calling himself a force to be reckoned with. Seth Aaron has done another great job. May/la and her best print of the challenge are merely in, as is Mil/ya. Anthony is chastised for doing yet another simple cocktail dress. Jonathan made something BEE-zaaahr and sad. It was a complete misfire, but good for him for taking chances. He gets to stay, and Anthony has to decide whether to sing Bye-Bye Birdie or Shuffle Off to Tupelo. In any event, he says that he doesn’t need a crown to be a queen (no duh) and that we shouldn’t cry for Anthony, but toss one back for him.

Next week, they will design for a bitchy celebrity and there is stunning, shocking news that turns their world upside down. Does this mean that the Mayan Mystery will finally be solved?

The challenge clue is “New York State of Mind” which leaves Anthony with a slightly blanker state of mind. L’Oreal spokes shill, Collier Strong, sells some line of makeup at us in the form of a challenge. The designers will make something based on their experience of one NYC neighborhood: East Village, China Town, Upper East Side and Harlem. And, oh, work in teams. There is much eye-rolling, oh-please-Jesus-don’t-make-me-work-withs, and weeping from the designers at that pronouncement. It only gets worse for them: two looks (day and evening), $300 and a day. There is a round robin of button picking from the bag: first the team leaders, then the team leaders go around again and pick partners, then in reverse order pick locations, so that the leader stuck with Mil/ya will at least get to chose where to go.

As it works out, Anthony, Amy, Emilio and Jay are the team leaders. Anthony picks May/la, Amy opts for Jonathan, Emilio can choose between Seth Aaron and Mil/ya, and being no freaking idiot, he grabs Seth Aaron and his mad tailoring skills like a magnet grabs iron filings. That leaves Jay with Mil/ya. They loathe each other, apparently, and every other designer knows it. Emilio is very proud of his maneuvering, as well he should be. If only he could cackle like Dr. Horrible. Jay then gets to chose his part of town, and goes for the East Village. Emilio goes to Harlem with Seth Aaron. Amy and Jonathan, those free spirited sprites decide to go the Upper East Side, perhaps hoping to run into Carrie Bradshaw. Anthony and May/la are left with Chinatown. This results in some horrible footage involving Anthony, roast ducks in windows and a whiff of Steppin Fetchit. They are mesmerized by the souvenir store windows, which are mesmerizing.

Up in Harlem, Emilio and Seth Aaron are bonding. This is going to be good. Everyone is in denim. They examine some cool mosaics. Jonathan and Amy are unhappy on the Upper East Side, finding it static and stark. They think a shirt dress epitomizes the gestalt of the area. Miz Shoes’ notes say (Bad. Idea.) Then they discover the black wrought iron gates at street level and below and decide that Jonathan can create some more of his challenge-winning cut-away fabric.  In the East Village, Jay and Mil/ya are miserably planning each other’s unfortunate accident. They loathe each other.

Next stop, Mood, where Emilio dissuades Seth Aaron from using black denim for daytime. Really, dude. EVERYONE knows that. May/la finds Anthony’s textile choices dicey. In the workroom, Tim says that even team leaders can get sent home. Mil/ya hates Jay’s daytime pants design, and bitterly sucks it up.

Team Emilio is going for old-time Harlem glam, Cotton Club, style. It’s slinky. Anthony and May/la are having control issues. Jonathan is throwing everything into his night time design: insets, pleats, pleated insets, and May/la is doing another million pleats by hand. Back to team Emilio, where Seth Aaron doesn’t sketch and works lightning fast, and makes changes every time Emilio turns around. Emilio says that Seth Aaron just keeps “piling on”. Jay and Mil/ya are working in icy silence, which Jay attempts to spin as “acting professionally” by which he means nobody has gone face-down in the sewing room with a seam ripper in the back…yet. Jonathan and Amy are loving each other’s textures and starting to realize that neither of them is capable of finishing their look. FLOP SWEAT!

Make up advertorial for the over-used smoky eye. Tim’s walkabout! Loves Emilio and Seth Aaron’s work. Tells May/la that Anthony’s fabric choices are better than hers.  Jay’s pants are turkey legged, and Tim is not pleased. Mil/ya is back in black and white and Tim informs them that based on what he’s looking at, one of them is going home this week. Jonathan’s arcing pleating and cut-aways are all too much look for Tim and he tells them to edit. Anthony refers to himself in the third person.

Model fittings! Jay and his model talk shit about Mil/ya. They both loathe her. Jay hasn’t started working on his top and Mil/ya is all up tight. Emilio is stilled mighty please with himself for having set that pairing up. Cackle, cackle. Rubs hands together in glee. Jonathan and Amy aren’t even close to done.

Runway day! Not enough time for anyone to work. Every one is a wreck. Mil/ya is nervous. Amy and Jonathan can’t finish. May/la is concerned that she used too much black. Emilio thinks that there may be blood on the runway before the night is over. On cue, Mil/ya and her model discuss how to throw Jay under the bus while Jay tells his model that that is what Mil/ya plans to do. Jonathan and Amy do not, in fact, finish.

Heidi is wearing a skin-tight zebra print dress and working the hell out of the fertiliy goddess thing. Judge NinaGarcia is joined by Molly Sims, an actress and sitting in for Michael Kors tonight is Francisco Costa of Calvin Kline. 

Anthony & May/la have gone outside the box for their Chinatown looks. The daytime skirt is black with inverted red-lined pleats and the top is evocative of pagoda shapes. The evening look is brown, with a cascade of beige honeycombing, a technique that was used in every paper dragon in every souvenir window.

Jay & Mil/ya send out jodhpurs and a sleazy tank top and something black and white. The model throws devil horns at the end of the runway. Jonathan & Amy have used orange/peach to create a voluminous shirt that is supposed to be a shirt-dress but is at best tunic length. The dress that was inspired by black-painted wrought iron has become a coffee-colored slip dress with visible seaming and overlays. Seth Aaron’s model is rocking a Superfly collar on her spiff denim coat. There is a hat, part baseball cap, part tam o shanter, part African head wrap, part denim, part plaid. The jacket has lots and lots of studding and seaming and styling and look. Lots of look. Emilio’s evening dress is a dark sweep of satin with a zipper that seems to be functional as well as the edging trim along the neck and hem.

Jay & Mil/ya, Amy and Jonathan have the lowest scores, and leave to think about their sartorial sins while the judges heap praise on the competition. Emilio’s dress is a Billy Holiday homage, that still relates to the modern street style that Seth Aaron has laid down. NinaGarcia thinks that his jacket could be a bit more tasteful, but that it is pretty fly for all that.

Anthony tries to bring up the ducks in the window but nobody wants to hear it, and nobody laughs. NinaGarcia loves their collaboration. She loves the styling and the subtlety. She loves the origami, but would have liked to see more color. Anthony and May/la agree that they loved working together, even though May/la is a big ole Bossy McBossersons.

Amy’s Upper East Side brickwork is seen as not looking like the Upper East Side at all. Despite NinaGarcia hating it, and Heidi calling it an eyesore, they say that they still loved working together. Jay’s look, which was supposed to be East Village, and which he refers to as Lower East Side, (which excuse me, is another neighborhood entirely), is not so good. NinaGarcia loves the night look with its black and white coat and red tights, but not Jay’s pants or his lousy tank top. When asked, Jay says they worked together professionally, while Mily/la bites her lips and rolls her eyes.

Amy’s Upper East Side looked like the East Village in the 50s, and she misses the big picture. Jay’s work sucked and Mil/ya’s tailoring was impeccable. Emilio and Seth Aaron worked well together as a team. A real team, with one part balancing out the other and a mature point of view. NinaGarcia sulks that Emilio could have made a better evening dress.

Nevertheless, Emilio is the winner, and so is Seth Aaron! Another Project Runway first!! May/la and Anthony are safe, and Mil/ya and Jonathan are both in. Jay is told that his tank top was ill-fitting and didn’t match his pants, which also sucked. Amy’s shirt dress was bad retro, and she got lost in her concept. She’s Aufsie-Daisy.

Next week, they get to do something designers all dream of doing and rarely get the chance. Is it design their own fabric? There seem to be a lot of big bolts in the workroom. Whatever it is, the result allows Michael Kors to say that it looks like a disco straightjacket.