Previously on Project Runway: Kenley laughed at Straight Joe on the runway, and was six kinds of skank beyotch.

Open on the green Atlas, where Korto and Leanne reveal that they weren’t surprised to see Straight Joe auffed. Suede interviews that Suede needs to step up his game because he’s been in the bottom three times already. Is that all? And with that we are whisked away to Parsons where we have another model selection. At this point there are eight models and five designers, so there’s a large culling of the herd to be done. Jerell stays with Nicole. Kenley steals Joe’s old model Topogigio. Leanne loves her model, but thinks that Suede’s girl is better, so steals his TuhTuhTuhTia. Suede is Very Unhappy. Suede then takes Sephora, and Korta opts for Katarina. This leaves Paulina, Germaine and Karoline out. Karoline is pissed that Leanne turfed her after so many good weeks together, and she leaves the stage looking angry and teary. Hey, lighten up, it’s only fashion.

The challenge this week is to dress each other. The magic button bag works overtime as it reveals that Suede will be designing for Jerell, Kenley will design for Leanne, Korto will dress Suede, Jerell will dress Kenley and Leanne will clothe Korto. The added twist is that each designer is randomly assigned a musical genre and the clothes designed for them should reflect that genre. Got it? The next pairing from the button bag is designer to musical genre and Kenley will be pop music (she hates pop, because she thinks it’s cheesy). Fair enough, and if anyone but Kenley said that, I’d agree. But the Andrews sisters were the pop stars of their day, honey, and I’m willing to bet dollars to doughnuts that they are in deep rotation on your i-pod. If you have an i-pod, and not a portable turntable that only plays 78s. Suede is a punk rocker, yawn. Korto gets saddled with being country music. Leanne is deemed hip-hop, and Jerell gets rock and roll. Jerell thinks that Suede should be able to handle that.

The gang of five gets an hour to consult with each other, $150 to spend at Mood and until midnight to sew. Leanne tells Kenley that she wants to be gangsta. Kenley tells Leanne no. Kenley is going to make a pair of high-waisted jeans, because that’s what hip-hop is to Kenley, and if we know one thing about Kenley by now, it is that she is a stone bitch who will do what ever the hell she wants and is delusional about how right she is about everything. Jerell tells Suede that he wants a high collar and a cape. Neither Suede nor the audience can tell if Jerell is just putting Suede on. I can sort of see Jerell in an Elvis jumpsuit, though. It could be fun. Jerell is loving the idea of Kenley as a pop tart, and takes great delight in telling her that he’s going to turn her into Kenley Spears. Korto and Leanne are working on Korto’s look when Kenley comes over and tries to eat up more of Leanne’s time by having her try on some shoes. Korto tells Kenley that this is her thirty minutes and to back the fuck off. Kenley insists and whines, but knows that Korto could snap her in half and finally backs off.

At Mood, Jerell is still cracking up over what he plans for Kenley: “stretchy, netty and shiny.” Kenley herself has found some more ugly floral prints and argues with Tim about whether or not it’s hip-hop. Tim (and everyone who’s watching) thinks that it is not. Kenley of course, knows that it is. “It looks like grafitti.” Or not.

Back in the Parson’s workroom, Korto tries on a pair of hot cowboy boots and suddenly becomes Shania Jenks at the CMAs. This sets off a round of “what’s my musical name” and Jerell says that Leanne is L’il J Blige. It was a lot funnier when he said it. Korto and Jerell do a little bonding over the fact that Kenley has got absolutely no clue about what hip-hop is. Jerell says that there is nothing hip-hop in Kenley’s bag of 1950s dresses. That’s pretty funny when he says that, too.

Jerell is fawning over the two mannequins with his winning designs and asks Korto to give it up for him a little. She puts him back in his place, promptly. Undaunted, Jerell says that he wants to win three in a row, and he’s hoping that his fishnet minidress with rhinestone cuffs will do it. Kenley says that getting sexed up by Jerell is scary. Honey, you have no idea. Suede shocks us all by saying that the blue mohawk is just for show. Actually Suede is a trained classical cellist. My mind explodes a little. Suede is making stretchy jeans with a super-long leg that will scrunch up at the ankles. Did I already say yawn? Where’s the cape and the Superfly collar? Meanwhile, Jerell is still laughing at Kenley and her aversion to his sexy little pop star dress. She did NOT want to try it on, or come out from behind the dressing screen.

With four hours to go, Tim comes in for the walk-about. He starts with Jerell. He loves it. It’s a beautiful silhouette, but Tim isn’t sure about the cobalt blue fake fur that Jerell intends to make into a mini vest. Of Leanne’s C&W, he says that it might be too subtle, and tells her to watch the proportions. Leanne takes his advice, and turns a purple trapeze blouse into a sleeveless classic cowboy shirt. Korto’s punk look for Suede is deemed to stereotypical. Tim tells Korto to push it more. He tells Suede the same thing: rock and roll should be over the top, and he needs to ramp up the visuals. I love the fabric that Suede chose for the shirt. It is very much Jerell, a sort of muted purple and brown tie-dyed charmeuse. Kenley sneers at Tim that her designs of a micro leather jacket and high-waisted jeans are totally hip-hop, and that when he thinks oversized, he’s thinking 80s hip-hop. She omits making a big “L” sign on her forehead, but the tone implies it. Tim tells her to remove the sarcasm, and that although she might think he’s being “snarky” (Yes, our Miss Gunn used the word snarky), he is merely attempting to give her advice and direction, which she would do well to take (if she weren’t an insufferable know-it-all bitch). OK, he didn’t say the last part out loud. But I heard it clear as a bell, especially when Kenley interviews that (and I quote) “What does Tim know about hip-hop, anyway?”

With one hour left to sew, Leanne tries on her hip-hop jeans. They are awful. The crotch does not, by any stretch of anyone’s imagination, fit. Kenley says that she’s thinking Alicia Keys. Even your reviewer here, the impossibly white Miz Shoes is aware that Miss Keys is not hip-hop. She is R&B, and Soul, and hot beyond all sensibility, but she is not hip-hop. Korto and Jerell try to tell Kenley that Alicia Keys is R&B, and she tells them that they are wrong. I bet she wouldn’t have told Terri she was wrong if Terri tried to tell her who was or was not hip-hop.

Korto is frantically bleaching Suede’s jeans. Seude’s getting nervous. Jerell admits that he did think about sabotaging Suede… it IS a competition, y’all. Kenley makes her weekly prognostication: “I’m confident. I LOVE my outfit. It’s the bestest. I’m going to win! I’m not changing anything ever, ever, ever for Tim “what-the-hell-can-he-tell-me” Gunn!” Speaking of which, her jeans still fit Leanne like crap. Jerell and Korto are watching as Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong digs her own grave, styling Leanne with ever more inappropriate items. This is hip-hop, right? she asks. Oh, yeah, say Korto and Jerell, and roll their eyes. It’s the finest moment yet, this season.

Suede isn’t happy with his neon extensions. Kenley looks, in her own words, like Brittney Spears-The Good Years. She does, actually.  It’s sort of scary, in fact, how much she does resemble our favorite train wreck. Once more, Kenley announces that she totally nailed the hip-hop look for Leanne and she is going to win. Or, maybe not, because it turns out that no less a hip-hop royalty than LL Cool J is the guest judge tonight. This, the RLA and the Number Three Surrogate Daughter agree, is going to be good.

Korto comes out and is country. Kenley Spears is flawless as a pop star. Leanne comes out and is embarrassed to be there. Kenley voices over that she’s furious with Leanne, because Leanne is NOT SELLING IT. (Because it sucks, sweetheart.) Suede works the runway. Who knew? He’s throwing devil horns and sticking out his tongue, and slouching all over. The distressed jeans fit beautifully, even though Suede does not have a model’s willowiness. Jerell, who does, gives us the most lack-luster walk of the evening. Jerell used to be a model, remember? Well his catwalk is a textbook example of how not to do it. But the outfit Suede made for him fits like a glove. Is this Jerell’s sabotage, after all?

Korto explains her look: punk, metallic denim that she bleached. LL says that this is right on the money. NinaGarcia says that Suede looks like Marilyn Manson, and that the pants fit well. Korto can tailor, that is a certainty.

Suede designed a rock and roll look for Jerell. Jerell says that his idea of rock and roll is Aerosmith. While the judges love the vest, they agree that subtle doesn’t work for the stage. LL says that you want to keep the audience interested and surprised throughout the entire show. And I agree, but idiot little rocker girl that I am, I thought that the best shows were the ones where it was the music, not the costumes that did that. Take for example, Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band (Bruce turned 59 earlier this week. Happy birthday, Bruce). The Boss and the entire band dress in black. Oh, maybe Little Steven will have on a dark purple paisley gypsy shirt, but by and large, the guys (and Patti and Suze) wear black. Black jeans, black shirts, black vests. They are almost invisible on the stage, and what hits you is the power and the glory of their music. Even that fop Tom Petty wears a pair of jeans under that plum velvet blazer. Rock and roll is about the music, LL. Unless, you know, you suck and only have theatrics to prop up the show, like KISS. But I digress. Heidi makes the astute assessment that Jerell looks like Jerell, and not a rock star. True dat. But everything fits.

Jerell has made a pop tart out of Kenley. Kenley is clearly uncomfortable in her little fishnet mini with the built-in rhinestone bra. But she looks totally pop. Sexy, not vulgar, exposed but not naked. Michael Kors loves it. And everybody sees that Kenley looks just like Brittney Spears. There is something so delicious about this. Almost as delicious as what comes next: Kenley defends her hip-hop look. I made a classy, expensive hip-hop outfit she announces. After a moment of stunned silence, Heidi says “Those are the worst pants I have ever seen.” Someone utters the dreaded “mom jeans”. Kenley looks to LL for expiation, and pleads, this is hip-hop, isn’t it? And LL Cool J says, flatly: NO. Sweet.

Leanne has gone for a vintage Dolly Parton with a modern sensibility. Or something like that. NinaGarcia says that the country look needed more glamor. Michael thinks that it looks like Korto is going out for a plate of ribs. ? Heidi says that the skirt fits like a glove, and LL leers appreciatively at the junk in Korto’s trunk.

The judges have their final confab and agree that Jerell nailed the pop look, as did Korto and the punk. It felt authentic, according to LL. Kenley’s outfit looked like a bad mall purchase, and Suede’s rock and roll was a grocery store run. Leanne made something good, but too quiet. So. Does Jerell go for three? Nope. Korto finally gets a win (although I think she should have won for any of a number of other challenges, and not this one). Jerell has his third win stolen, but gets a pat on the head for doing well. Leanne is safe. Kenley and Suede are the bottom two. Kenley is told that she had no glamor, no bravado and missed hip-hop completely. Delusional bitch. Suede played it safe, and that is the one thing that rock and roll is not. Suede is out. Suede delivers his final monologue in the third person, and finger guns it that “Madonna, I’m ready to dress you up in Suede.” With that groaner, we cut to previews where we see Kenley sneer at Heidi. I’m thinking that isn’t going to go over well at all.

A moment of silence for Paul Newman, please. A fine actor, a fine human being and a fine looking man. I got to see him race once at Limerock. He was a fine driver, too.

In other news, it seems like Senator Obama actually read the Rude Pundit’s play book regarding the first debate. At one point, I even high-fived the RLA for the way Obama made McCain get a little squirmy.

Finally, regarding America’s Next Top Model: with the departure of Isis, the show has lost all appeal for me. Sorry, gentle readers, but there will be no further Miz Shoes Reviews of that show. You’ll have to get your laughs from Potes on Television Without Pity, instead.

We start our week with confessionals: Brittney is sad because she is just too damned pretty, and not high fashion. This is a trial for her, because she hates it when people call her pretty, and they do, all the damned time. Analeigh thinks that she needs more personality. This may be true, because I didn’t know who the hell was whining.

And then, just like in a fairy tale, Tyra appears in the living room of the hamster house. She has ordered pizza (which looks to be very old and very cold) and there are goodie bags and plastic tiaras all around, which is exactly the sort of party every gang of women over the age of, oh, say, six wants. Needless to say, TyTy has a giant tiara, and it’s probably real. The hamsters have little baby princess tiaras. Tyra tells the girls how when she started to grow booty, her mama ordered pizza and refused to let her starve herself skinny. Instead, they reinvented her career from runway to cheesecake Victoria’s Secret model.

What follows is an embarrassment to everyone involved: hamsters, the Two Jays, Tyra, the camera crew and editors, and us, the poor viewing public. I refuse to acknowledge the scene. Suffice to say that Number Three Surrogate Daughter and I marked the calendar as the Day ANTM Officially Jumped the Shark. Hell, they didn’t just jump it, they beat it to death.

The next day, the girls go to the salon to find out what Tyra’s vision has decreed for their new looks. It has to be a surprise for all involved, so the mirrors are covered. Marjorie loses her Agnyes Deyn and goes chestnut brown. She’s still cute. Joslyn gets a wavy weave. Elina gets the Ruh-Roh edit as she confessionalizes that she is very careful about her image. Drab, uber-serious animal liberation activists are Serious like that. Samantha gets a short blonde boy-cut. Hannah gets straight bangs and a bob. She’s no Anna Wintour. Clark gets dark brown hair and LaurenBrie goes blonder. Sheena gets highlights like Tyra. Analeigh gets blonde layers. Elina says that she doesn’t want any sort of drastic changes. Ruh-roh. Foreshadowing, thy name is ANTM. Elina says she’s skerred, and Miss Jay says she should be. Then he tries to comfort her by telling her that the Weave Master of the known universe is here to work on her head, and says that this is the Most Dramatic Makeover Ever in Top Model History. It’s a giant red Bozo weave, and it looks a lot like Brittney-Who-Had-Brain-Damage. Remember her? She lost it on go-sees and cursed like a longshoreman?

M’Key gets an awesome short, black do. Isis gets long Cher hair. Brittney, who is just too catalog, gets a heavy, wavy black weave. She cries to Miss Jay that she hates being too pretty. He tells her to try harder. Yeah. See, people who don’t get called “pretty” day in and day out, we don’t have sympathy for the hard life of those who do. Go cry on someone else, bitch.

The hamsters arrive home, only to discover Tyra mail, telling them that they’re going to have to work the night shift. At Wal-Mart. They are met by Big Whitney’s Cover Girl display, Sutan and Mrs. Nigel Barker. Mrs Nigel is on hand to give them instructions: they’ll have to ad-lib a 30 second commercial for Cover Girl right after they do their own make up. The commercials range from merely mediocre to dismal. Hannah wins, inexplicably. For her troubles, she’ll get a $1 thousand dollar gift card for Wal-Mart (you can get rifles and plaid flannel there) and have her ad on the Wal-Mart web site.

Back to the Hamster House, where Tyra Mail asks “Who’s suited to be America’s Next Top Model.” There is debate as to whether this means swim suits or business suits. Nobody asks about the possibility of birthday suits. We then cut to Elina talking to Brittney and Joslyn about how much she hates her mother, because she was a bad mother. Brittney asks Elina where she lives. With her mother. Who feed you? My mother. Brittney rightly calls Elina an ungrateful little bitch, and we head to another Big Whitney commercial.

When we return, Analeigh is having a hard time posing in front of a mirror. The other girls try to help her. I think typing those two sentences just lowered my I.Q. In any event, the girls are hauled off in the bio-bus to a huge beach house in Malibu. It looks like it will be the swimsuit edition. Russel James (who shot Tyra’s famous Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover) will be shooting. “Supermodel” Susan Holmes (I never heard of her) is also a super swimsuit designer, and it’s her suits the girls will be in. Mr. Jay leaves the hamsters in the capable hands of Russel and Susan, who will art direct this shoot.

Analeigh can’t pose any better in the water than she can in front of the mirror. Hannah has crazy eyes. Brittney is stressing over being pretty and shows no range. Samantha is beautiful. Elina is gorgeous, and not your typical swimsuit model. (Partly because of all of her tats, I guess) Marjorie is flawless, and Isis is difficult to shoot. All too soon we are back at the Casa De Marmotas where Analeigh is nervous about the morrow’s judging.

In the judging room, Susan Holmes is the guest judge. Tyra imparts this wisdom to the little model-ettes: You must master the swimsuit. Meh, it’s no “short, shiny and tight is the fastest way to look cheap”, but then Tyra is no NinaGarcia.

Sheena tells the judges that she was “smiling with her eyes.” This means that she’s watched an episode or two. Analeigh’s arms are scary. Clark has a skinny mouth, and needs to remember to keep them soft. Hannah is European sexy, to Nigel, but she only has one pose. Tyra thinks Lauren Brie looks like CariDee. But without the dread heartbreak of psoriasis. Brittney is absent in her photos and M’Key looks like Linda Evangalista. Hot!! Isis gets mixed reviews, Marjorie didn’t do enough, and Samantha was pretty good. Elina gets all sorts of raves, and Paulina tells her that body tats are bad for modeling, but then the photo they choose for her is just a head shot. Which is bullshit, because everyone else is being judged on a full-body pose.

The girls are dismissed and the judges rip them up: Sheena was too soft (which I guess is an improvement over too hoochie). Analeigh is too dull. Clark is not photogenic, and she’s a bitch. Lauren Brie photographs well. Brittney is just pretty, and not a model. Samantha is loved by the judges and the cameras. Hannah needs to get messy. Isis is stuck. M’Key is amazing. As they debate the pros and cons of the hamsters, I realize that Susan Holmes looks like the illegitimate love child of Janice Dickenson’s second face and Hillary Swank. That’s a lot of jawline, is all I’m saying.

And Elina gets the first photo. See? Bullshit. There’s no bathing suit anywhere in the shot: it’s all face. Photos are handed out to the rest of the girls in order: Lauren Brie, Samantha, M’Key, Sheena, Joslyn, Majorie (who is no longer getting the cheesy accordian music, at least), Clark, Isis and Hannah.

Analeigh and Brittney are left waiting for the other spike heel to drop. Brittney is pretty, but she just doesn’t photograph well. Analeigh used to be a figure skater, and so should know how to pose, (I don’t know, I thought figure skaters moved, but what the heck do I know) but is sort of blah. Who goes? Who do you think? The pretty girl, who is still whining about being pretty as she leaves the Casa des Marmotas.

Next week? The cat walk. Let’s see who’s never had on a pair of heels before. My money is on Hannah. I bet Isis can work it.

We open on the Atlas, where the usual suspects are doing the usual things. Suede is being an ass and interviewing in the third person that Suede will be clawing and scratching all the way to Bryant Park. As the boys head out, we see the final goodbye from Oompa-Loompa-Licious “I will miss youlicious” and I realize that against all odds, I will, in fact, miss the little orange troll. He was, in the final analysis, sort of sweet, if not deluded about fashion.

Speaking of delusional, Kenley is tossing her fascinator and declaiming to the cameras that she has NO IDEA how she ended up in the bottom two last week, because she was the only one who EVEN CAME CLOSE to being avant garde and she is the shit and everyone else is the pits. Flounces all the way to the Parson’s runway where we meet up with Heidi and the next challenge.

Heidi has special ladies for the designers to meet. Out come a bunch of middle-aged and none too stylish women. The designers begin to choke and freeze. HA-HA! sez Heidi, gotcha AGAIN!!! These are not the women you’ll be designing for, these are their mothers. You will be designing interview/work clothes for their daughters, each of whom has just graduated from college and is about to go out into the work place for the very first time. This is a Trésemme make-over challenge, and their hair will be done for them, too.

The magic button bag comes out and the designers and daughters are paired up at random. There is a $100 budget, a half hour to meet with the clients (both mother and daughter are the client) and two days to sew.

Kenley is delighted to discover that her girl (Anna) has just gotten a job as an accessories buyer, she delights in vintage clothing, and has no discernable taste: she’s JUST LIKE KENLEY!! Which means that Kenley is going to make another of her 1940’s frocks. In a ghastly floral pattern. Quel surprise, non?

Korto has confidence that she can relate to her model, because she (Korto) is a “hip mom”. Her girl is Megan, and she works in a bio-lab. She likes green. Jerell finds out that Caitlin is a designer, and is tall and thin and prefers to dress androgynously, just like him! It’s another match made in heaven. Leanne’s Holly is off to be an elementary school teacher, and she needs to look older than her charges. Her mother is a tough, critical bird and tells both Leanne and Holly that Holly wants a dress.

Avital is a photographer, and she wants Suede to make her something she can wear to work and then out to play: pants. Suede says that pants are not Suede’s thing. Avital does want something a little femme. Our last girl is Laura, and she’s working with Straight Joe. She doesn’t have a job, yet. She wants something that will suit the office, but still be sexy. She’s one of those.

Korto tells us that she’s going to pick up some “leatha” at Mood, and that now that Stella is gone, she, Korto, is the queen of leather. Suede tells us that Suede wants to find a Pucci-esque print, but in purple. Then Suede tells us that Suede DID find purple pucci print. Oh My God!!! Suede needs to find a new schtick before MizShoes finds out where Suede lives, is all Miz Shoes is saying.

We find out that Straight Joe’s first job was as a stock boy at Gucci, and that’s where he got bitten by the fashion bug. And then we have a commercial for Top Design, where former Project Runway contestants are involved in some form or another. I had the sound off, so I don’t know what way. Look! There’s Andre. And Sweet Pea, awww. And there is Jeffrey-the-Pinheaded-Shmoo, and even though I never thought it would, in a million years be possible, he is more heinous than ever. He’s wearing a mod haircut (and by mod, I mean fucking 1960’s Carnaby Street shaggy do) and has grown a porn ‘stache that looks like he stole it from Frank Zappa’s dead body. It is a particularly creepy sort of Fu Manchu. I am prevented from stabbing myself with my knitting needles by the quick reflexes of the Number 3 Surrogate Daughter. Pass the eye bleach then, child.

Back at Parson’s, Jerell is excited by the challenge and the girl he’s working with. Jerell’s first job was as a fry boy at Mickey D’s. He got lots of free food, and bad skin from working the fryer. I’m growing quite fond of Jerell. Suede is making a jacket first, because Suede does not want to make pants.

The clients come in for a look-see and Suede’s girl and her momma think that Suede’s work isn’t edgy enough. Straight Joe’s girl hates on the men’s wear pinstripes he bought. But it all fairness, it would look flawless on Tim Gunn. Kenley is so busy telling her client how fabulous her work is, and how utterly charming the raggy old fabric is, that we can’t tell how her client feels. But Kenley is happy, so all is right in Kenley’s world.

Jerell endears himself to me a little more by interviewing that Kenley can make a hell of a 1950’s dress, but that her talent starts and stops right there.

Leanne’s mother daughter pair aren’t happy with Leanne’s work. They are quite vocal and clear about that. Like, start over again, kind of clear. Suede is making a dress, not pants, and he is just going to sell it to his client, because Suede doesn’t do pants. (Doesn’t or can’t?)

Kenley then starts trashing Straight Joe’s suit, to his face. Jerell piles on a little, when Joe says that the girl can accent with pocket squares. Who the hell has pocket squares (other than Tim Gunn?). Kenley gives Joe a little rag of her floral and she and Jerell just fall over from the hilarity.

Day Two

The girls come in without their Mommies, and things go better for the designers. Korto’s jacket, which is a sort of hempy/burlapy fabric, is tailored to within an inch of it’s life and it works over a green floral that has overtones of a Diane von Furstenburg wrap. Holly (without her mother badgering on about it) loves Leanne’s dress. Avital loves that ugly purple disco frock that Suede has made. It has braided straps across an open, asymmetrical back, and it’s snug.

Miz Shoes used to work in a commercial photography studio, did you know that? Yes. And I worked as the photographer’s assistant on shoots. Hauling equipment cases, tri-pods, light stands, reflectors, film bags, and camera bags. Let me just tell you right now, the only thing you wear as a commercial shooter is jeans. Or overalls. Or leggings and a giant shirt. You do not wear a fucking dress. There is no way you can scramble over the equipment, haul, tote, tug, carry, crouch and crawl in a fucking dress. Unless, to speak ill of the dead, you are Linda McCartney (nee Eastman) and you are shooting Warren Beatty while wearing a mini-skirt and you have chosen to go commando that day. Or so the old rock and roll rumor goes. Avital is no Linda Eastman, either.

Gather round! says Tim, and the designers all groan. It seems that they think that it is never a good thing when Tim asks them to gather round. But in this instance, it is merely Jeannie Syphu, the lead stylist for Tresemme, who is going to work with the girls on the hair portion of the make-overs. And guess what? The winning look will get a photo spread in Elle magazine. Whoo-hoo!!!

Now it’s time for Tim to do his walk around. Suede’s jacket is whackadoodle, to use Suede’s own word. The sleeves are not the same length, and the pockets aren’t even. And it’s fugly all the way around, but Tim doesn’t really go there.

Tim thinks that Straight Joe has made something for a lawyer, not a designer, but Joe says eh, a job interview’s a job interview, and doesn’t listen to Tim. There is a sudden out break of eye-rolling and sighing in the Casita des Zappatos.

Tim has nothing to say to Jerell except that the look is stunning and to be careful with the excess fullness in the jacket. Then he moves on to Kenley. He picks his words carefully with her, and tells her that it’s a cute enough dress (even though we’ve seen it before) but that maybe the tulle that is sticking out of the bottom about 5 inches deep all around could be NOT sticking out?

Kenley flounces into a confessional where in she says that Tim Gunn does NOT understand her design aesthetic. She is not gonna listen to that. She has never and will never change one damned thing for Tim Gunn. Hummph.

Straight Joe has daughters, you know, and he is on Project Runway to show them that you can live your dreams, blahblahblah. He also has an insight into the mother/daughter dynamic: it’s the 8th wonder of the world, he says. You will never, ever, ever get them to agree on anything. (Not true. Mummy had exquisite taste, and always bought me things that were divinely flattering and taught me how to dress myself to accentuate the positive. She was a fine clothes horse and the daughter of another, my Grandpa the tailor.)

Back in the dorms, Suede is waxing rhapsodic about his boogie nights dress to the other boys, and Kenley is holding court on the girls’ side with her wisdom and opinions about Suede: he’s a poseur. He has no talent. He has no right to be there. Suede’s particular problem, she feels, is his inability to bend his design sense to meet the challenges. “He can’t change.” A-hem. Miss Pot? I’d like to introduce you to Mr. Kettle. I think you’ll find you have a lot in common.

Runway Day

Joe’s girl likes the suit once she puts it on. So does Joe. That makes two and that may be the total number of votes for the pin-stripes. The fit is not flattering, to say the least. Kenley has given on of her fascinators to her client. Loud retching from the vicinity of the Casita des Zappata’s couch.

Jerell is wearing a huge acorn cap on his head. Or a bunch of dead leaves. Or a portrait hat made of velvet petals. I’m not sure. He says that Suede’s dress looks like 1992, and “that is going to work against you, my man.” I can’t stop staring at the thing on Jerell’s head.

Pop quiz: who said this: “I’m confident and I’m not impressed with anyone else’s work. I’m going to be in the top three for sure.” If you guessed Kenley, you probably find her as obnoxious as I do. On the runway, Heidi looks ravishing in a dark green Rami-of-the-Heavenly-Arms short, tight but not shiny dress. Our guest judge tonight is Cynthia Rowley. She’s wearing a necklace of leather oak leaves. She and Jerell must shop at the same forrest.

Straight Joe’s suit comes first, and again, the fit is awful. Leanne has made a cute little jacket to go over a darling little dress with a flippy skirt. Jerell’s high-waisted skirt and over-sized cardigan are amazing. Tilda Swinton would kill for this. Korto’s jacket is a masterpiece, and works nicely with the green print dress. Suede’s 1980’s disco dress and sloppy jacket, meh. Kenley’s poofy-skirted, tight bodiced same old same old is belted a wide pink belt that looks like the girl’s skin. Kenley says that it’s perfect.

Heidi calls up Kenley for the first review, and just laughs and laughs that Kenley has gotten herself a little “mini-me to dress.” I’m thinking that Heidi likes Kenley about as much as I do. NinaGarcia rather unenthusiastically agrees that in this instance, it is a cute look. Michael Kors says that it’s a case of the right dress and the right styling for the job of an accessories buyer.

Straight Joe’s interview suit does not go over as well. Cynthia asks why a suit? Miss Kors says that it looks like a 60-year old’s idea of what a girl should wear to an interview and Kenley loudly guffaws at Joe’s discomfort. Charming gal. The suit is just too clichéd, the judges all agree. They also agree that Korto’s work is solid and stylish and perfect for a 21-year old. Cynthia Rowley loves the jacket (as well she should) and NinaGarcia points out how well made it is.

Leanne isn’t getting the love from the judges, at all. They demand that the jacket come off, and then the dress is approved. They hate the jacket and call the look matronly. But Jerell’s androgynous separates are back in the love column. Cynthia finds the whole look perfect for the girl’s body type. There is much, much love.

And then there is Suede’s photographer. Michael Kors just about topples out of his director’s chair when he hears that she’s a shooter. Cynthia says if you want something that goes day to night in that profession, you need to go home and change your clothes. Woof. NinaGarcia just says that the awful jacket is the merest tip of the iceberg of the problems inherent in Suede’s work.

Jerell, Kenley (dammit) and Korto are the top three, Joe, Leanne and Suede are in the bottom. The judges allow that Kenley’s design worked even though it was looking backward, stylistically, but for who and what she was designing for, it was deemed appropriate. Korto’s work is (as always) perfectly tailored and expensive looking. Jerell’s is the perfect expression of sophistication for a 22-year old girl.

Over in failure-land, Suede’s look was from another decade. Leanne’s dress was frumpy, and Joe’s was out of a time-capsule from the day of “Working Girl.”

Korto is robbed of yet another win, and sent backstage with a “you did well, and you’re in”. Kenley is in and completely pissed that she didn’t win, and sweet Jerell and his acorn cap are the winners. Jerell is over the moon, and says that it’s doubly sweet because it’s two in a row. Leanne is in because she’s good. That leaves Straight Joe and Suede in the spot lights. Joe took a beautiful girl and aged her 25 years. Suede made something impractical, overworked and dated. Joe goes home to his wife and daughters, proving once more that fashion is no place for a straight guy. Suede gets to stick around and annoy us for another week.

Next week we hear Kenley say “What does Tim Gunn know?” Here’s hoping that’s the last thing she says before she leaves.

In Nazi Germany, a Jew Catcher was a Jew who, in exchange for a little food, or a few months or years of life, would turn in their fellow Jews to be sent to the death camps. The most famous Jew Catcher was Stella Goldschlag.As inconceivable as her story may be for some, for others it was just survival… survival at the cost of her fellow man, but you know, survival. In her defense, she originally worked for the Nazis to save her parents. It didn’t work, they were eventually deported and killed, as was her husband. And she ultimately committed suicide in her old age, but you know…

I believe that Sarah Palin is the feminist equivalent of Stella Goldschlag. She would use her position as a woman of power to prevent other women from ever getting that power. She would help overturn Roe vs Wade. Why do I believe this to be true? Her politics and her religion. Here is an excerpt from an essay about that religion. You can find the whole article here.

Palin enjoys the enthusiastic backing of the Christian right because she is blindly obedient to the male hierarchy. She does not question. She submits and obeys. Her views on abortion and marriage, on the Middle East, on gays and the war against Islam are precooked. They are handed to her by men who claim to speak for God. And in power she would be the perfect conduit for an ideology that seeks, in the end, to eradicate individual moral choice and replace it with subservience to a terrifying Christian fascism.

On another note, this came over the transom yesterday, and I think it’s a wonderful idea. I pass it along to you, now and encourage you to make a donation.

Dear Friends:



We may have thought we wanted a woman on a national political ticket, but the joke has really been on us, hasn’t it? Are you as sick in your stomach as I am at the thought of Sarah Palin as Vice President of the United States?

 

Since Palin gave her speech accepting the Republican nomination for the Vice Presidency, Barack Obama’s campaign has raised over $10 million dollars.  Some of you may already be supporting the Obama campaign financially; others of you may still be a little over the primaries. None of you, however, can be happy with Palin’s selection, especially on her positions on women’s issues. So, if you feel you can’t support the Obama campaign financially, may I suggest the following fiendishly brilliant alternative?



Make a donation to Planned Parenthood. In Sarah Palin’s name. And here’s the good part: when you make a donation to PP in her name, they’ll send her a card telling her that the donation has been made in her honor. Here’s the link to the Planned Parenthood website:



http://www.plannededparenthood.org

You’ll need to fill in the address to let PP know where to send the “in Sarah Palin’s honor” card. I suggest you use the address for the McCain campaign headquarters, which is:



McCain for President

1235 S. Clark Street

1st Floor

Arlington, VA 22202



Feel free to send this along to all your women friends and urge them to do the same.

And finally, a little perspective on the Republican spin from a viral e-mail that I haven’t gotten yet, but found here:

If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you’re “exotic, different.”

Grow up in Alaska eating moose burgers, a quintessential American story.



If your name is Barack you’re a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.

Name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, you’re a maverick.



Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.

Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you’re well grounded.



If you spend 3 years as a community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate’s Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran’s Affairs committees, you don’t have any real leadership experience.

If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then you’re qualified to become the country’s second highest ranking executive.



If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising two daughters, all within Protestant churches, you’re not a real Christian.

If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you’re a Christian.



If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.

If , while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state’s school system while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant, you’re very responsible.



If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family’s values don’t represent America’s.

If you’re husband is nicknamed “First Dude”, with at least one DWI conviction and no college education, who didn’t register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.

Before I begin with the ANTM re-cap, I need to say that I am the shit. I’ve been on a roll in the kitchen, and Sunday I made a batch of the yummiest ever molasses raisin cookies. They are nice and chewy. Then last night, I came very, very close to the right recipe for my Grandma Dorfman’s potato pierogies. Just need to revise the dough recipe a little more. Maybe one less egg and roll the dough even thinner? But using the Cuisinart and the pasta roller made working the dough very easy. And they are tasty.

ANTM opens with Nikeysha interviewing that she needs to shut up. The award for most obvious statement of the season has just been won, folks. Tyra Mail arrives to much squealing: “Would you bend over backwards to be a top model?” Must be posing lessons with Benny Ninja, who is much less fabulous now that he’s a regular, but you know, familiarity and all. And yes, it is. Sheena is very bendy. The hamsters have to pose in sheer fabric tubes. It’s awful. Hannah tries hard and fails, Nikeysha has no neck and looks like she’s in pain. The girls are told to go home and practice. Instead, they go home and play Truth or Dare in the hot tub.

Sheena discusses her overt hoochiness and how she tries to hard to play it down. The award for most disingenuous statement of the season has just been won, folks. Clark is dared to kiss Elina, and she does. Elina loves it. Hannah is offended by the excess of sex and sex talk and sexy, and thinks cold showers all around would be better than the hot tub. Isis makes the mistake of getting too near Hannah, and Hannah gives Isis a shove. She then interviews that she’d never hang around someone like Isis in real life, you know, a transgendered person. Hannah’s from Alaska, right? I’m just sayin’. (CoughcoughPALINcough)

Back in the hamster house, Britney and Sheena are all over Hannah for being racist, or at least prejudiced against transgendered persons. Then they gossip about her behind her back. Someone who doesn’t have issues with Isis is Analeigh, who helps her with her hormone shots and says that she was touched and flattered that Isis would trust her to help. That’s more like it.

Oh, well. Time to go to a photo shoot. This is an audition for Tarina Tarantino, who is an accessories designer and who is wearing Britney Spears’ old hot pink wig. Nikeysha walks on to the set and announces that if she pisses herself while modeling, it’s all in the line of duty or something, because she has to go wicked bad. This does not go over well with Tarina or Benny Ninja or Mr. Jay. Or with the folks out here in TeeVee land. Good lord, they just get classier every season. Speaking of which, Sheena attempts to do high fashion by being very bendy (i.e.: her ankles behind her head) while on a settee, and placing the hot pink purse in her exposed crotch. Now, not to be too erudite or anything, but “purse” has been a euphemism for twat for a few centuries now, and someone like Sheena, who appears to have no small amount of experience in the sex trade, should maybe know that, yeah? In any event, it is an appalling exercise in bad taste and even worse posing. Yeesh.

Isis got stuck in her own head (model speak for thinking too hard about posing). Hannah worked the chandelier (I have no idea why she thought a purse in a hanging lamp would be couture. Maybe because she’s from Alaska, and never saw electric lights growing up? Sheena gets called out for having no respect for the purse, and Elina gets the win.

Another day, another Tyra Mail: this one involves climbing ladders to the top. But before we go do that, let’s sandbag Hannah. A house meeting is called for the express purpose of talking about her alleged racism to her face. She sobs in the confessional that she’s just a misunderstood piece of white trash and is NOT a racist. We’ll see.

There is a park. There is a hot air balloon. There is a rope ladder hanging over the side, and the plan is to have the girls dangle off the rope ladder, while the balloon hovers about 40 feet off the ground. Nobody has a nervous breakdown over this, so the producers decide to just use a crane, hang the girls about 15 feet off the ground and over a big old cushion. Man, I HATE when the legal department interferes in the creative process. On the other hand, Sutan, over in hair and make up is giving all sorts of advice that the hamsters aren’t listening to.

A quick synopses of the shoot: Lauren Brie looks like Dior. Elina is OH MY GOD an ethereal Angelina Jolie (insert big old ethereal fucking yawn). Sheena is hootchie, hanging on to that ladder with no hands or legs, just with one rung wedged between her butt cheeks. Mr. Jay gets a leetle flustered over that. Isis struggled with her face, and because we still like Isis, we’re just gonna let that slide. Nikeysha was awful (and talky). Hannah looked scared. Samantha had no idea what was happening with the garment, and since you are supposed to be an animated clothes hanger, this is rightly viewed as a bad thing. M’Key changed poses too fast, and by the time the photographer had his shot lined up, she had moved on.

Back at the house, there is Tyra Mail announcing that one girl will be sent home. Sheena tells the other hamsters to start packing their bags, because she is the shit, and she will be the winner. The other girls all stare at her, and even though she may have meant it as a joke, nobody is even smiling. Oops.

Judging! Analeigh has a blank face. Samantha should not wear shiny fabric. Shiny fabric is not your friend. Hannah’s face doesn’t work. Nikeysha is way too skinny. The judges think she has an eating disorder. But her face is stunning! Still, try a burger and fries, girlfriend. Lauren Brie has the broken doll look that the judges all adore. M’Key needs to hold her poses. Isis needs to look like a model at judging: dress edgier! Elina was the challenge winner and is the Angelia Jolie look alike. There is much love. Sheena has the hootchie and just won’t let it go. She’s wearing hot pants and a cropped tank top at judging. The judges tell her to cover it up. Then Paulina asks about the boobs: are they real? Sheena is offended by this and says, they sure are and they’re big and spectacular. Brittney has a career in high-end catalog work. Joslyn is effortless.

The girls are sent out so that the judges can caucus. Samantha needs her hair chopped off in a high-fashion ass whooping make over. Lauren Brie is in the top 5 ever. Sheena is vulgar. (You think?) Clark needs a scrubbing. And an ass whooping. And maybe a sharp blow to the head. Brittney is just a catalog girl. Call the hamsters back in and hand out the pics. Then Sheena interupts to say, well, you know, she lied. Yeah the tits are totally implants and she feels bad for having denied it. She gets praise for fessing up.

Lauren Brie is stunning and gets the first photo. Then Elina, Josyln, Marjorie, M’Key, Samantha, Sheena, Hannah, Clark, Brittney, Analeigh and that leaves Isis and Nikeysha in the bottom two. NOES!!! Not Isis?! And no, not Isis. She stays, and Nikeysha goes. She doesn’t ever shut the fuck up, say the judges, and to prove it, she proceeds to talk over Isis saying thanks. She talks while she’s being shown the door, and she keeps on talking as Tyra tells her to shut it, because this is Isis’ moment to cry and say thank you. Nikeysha doesn’t shut it though, she gives an exit interview that continues on and on and on in voice-over, long after the door to the Hamster House has shut and the credits have begun to roll. Sad, really.

Next week? Makeovers! Our favorite! There will be tears, there will be bad weaves and worse bleach jobs, and! A Top Model FIRST!!! Yeah!!! Meet me on the couch, bitches. I’ll have the martinis on ice.