Over at the NEW GOTHAM apartments, Kit Pistol and Sweet P are talking. They were sad to see Carmen leave, but well, screw it, more closet space and Sweet P says, you know? better her than me, so wtf. In the boys’ room they are talking about what a Project Runway perfume would smell like: fear and Chinese food. Nice, I can’t wait to see that on the market. We head back to Parson’s and right in to a model selection. Jack can choose to stay with his girl or take someone else’s. So he does. He takes Ricky’s model. This means that Ricky now has Jack’s former model. Ricky manages not to cry. Heidi tells the designers to head to the workroom where they will find Tim and some old friends. True to reality shows everywhere, the designers immediately hit upon the totally wrong solution to the puzzle. OLD LADIES!!! We’re going to design for geriatrics! Whee! Actually, no. They find Tim and NinaGarcia and a bunch of photos from old Elle Magazines that display some of the most egregiously ugly fashion trends of the past. One of them is overalls. Jillian is wearing overalls and there is a moment of sweet embarrassment for all concerned.

Tim tells the designers to choose an ugly trend, and out comes the button bag to determine order. Jack as last week’s winner goes first. He chooses Brittney Spears on cracked out pleather. The rest of it goes like this: Victorya/underwear as outerwear; Christian/a Zoot Suit (playing to his strengths as a Vivienne Westwood drone); Rami/Poodle skirts; Kit/fringe; Elisa/cut outs; Jillian/overalls; Ricky/neon; Kevin/70’s elephant bell bottoms; Chris/Joan Crawford shoulder pads (oh, come on, could you please be a little less of a drag queen cliche Chris?); Squinty/dance wear as day wear; and Sweet P wonders if her button is glued to the bottom of the bag, that she’s always last as she takes the baggy, oversized sweater.

The challenge will be to update the look. The twist is that the designers have one minute to organize themselves into teams of three, and the three bad trends must be combined into a collection. They will show together, and they must use all three trends in all three looks or figure out some other way to make the three pieces into a cohesive collection. They must choose a team leader. They have $250 to spend and two days to work. Your minute starts now. When the dust settles, the teams are: Kit, Christian and Jack (fringe/zoot suit/pleather); Rami, Kevin and Jillian (poodle skirts/bell bottoms/overalls); Ricky, Victorya and Elisa (neon/underwear as outerwear/cut outs}; Squinty, Sweet P and Chris (dance wear/baggy sweaters/shoulder pads). I have bolded the team leaders.

Christian names his team “Team Star” because they are all FABULOUS!? There is the usual scrambling at Mood, with team leaders making bad choices and worrying about time and money. Ricky chooses duchesse satin for his team. Chris picks some horrible beige knit. Jillian’s team is into denim and Liberty of Londen tiny floral prints (also with a beige base). Christian’s team is working the black and white pattern on pattern to death.

In the work room, Sweet P is going for a sack dress to update the baggy sweater. Chris is doing some little bolero/shrug with what looks like black and brown upholstery cloth all the while telling SquintySteven that “Girl, this jacket is going to be fabulous!” I hereby request a moratorium on the word “Fabulous”. Ricky interviews that he isn’t concerned about working with Elisa because he used to be a dancer, and so he has lots of experience in talking to people who sound like they just smoked an ounce of sensimilla. You just have to speak to them in a language that they can understand, he says, and promptly does, talking about centering to Elisa and showing her how to mark her fabric with a pin as opposed to spit. She has a Helen Keller “water” moment, and it is a beautiful thing.

Over in Jillian’s corner, Rami is doing a denim dress, Kevin is making bell-bottom, high-waisted hot pants (Hey! I think I had those in the 70s!) and Jillian is being a nag about fitting the muslin to the mannequin and time management and whispering shit to Rami about Kevin. Don’t you miss high school sometimes? I know I don’t. SquintySteven does a Tim impression that lacks the spot-on tonality of Santino, but has better text: “Designers?” he says “I’m here to tell you that you are all screwed.” I howl. I love SquintySteven. He’s Miss Personality this season, at least for me, and it isn’t some toxic, evil thing like The Pencil-Necked Shmoo or Satan-ino.

Victorya is up and interviewing that her team decided to put all three looks into each piece. And she is micro-managing Ricky, her team leader, in a passive aggressive manner that we all can agree is inappropriate and annoying. Tim comes in to give the designers 30 minutes with their models. When she sees her design on her model, Victorya hates it, decides to completely redesign and redo, and dissed Ricky all at the same time. She neglects to tell him her choice to redo, and since he’s the team leader and will have to take the hit if everything goes wrong, this is rude and bad form. Jillian doesn’t think Kevin is working fast enough. She doesn’t say anything to him though, she whispers away in Rami’s ear. Since this requires her to lean up against those yummy arms of his, who can really blame her, except me, who thinks that if you have a problem with someone on your team the most efficient way to manage it is to speak to the team member in question. Rami inviews that Jillian should have been pushing Kevin harder. Maybe you should have said that to her instead of the camera and instead of nodding your head and continuing to whisper in the corner with her. What do I know?

Over at Team Jillian, the look is coming together nicely. It all looks like something Jillian herself would wear. Is this a good thing? Discuss amongst yourselves.

At Team Ricky, nothing looks finished or refined. Victorya is telling Tim that she’s decided to change the sillouhette. Tim asks her why she’s making these decisions when Ricky is the leader. So then there is a scene where Ricky and Victorya are talking, and Victorya is saying that she ‘s glad that Ricky’s the team leader, she just thinks that he sucks at it. Nice. They continue to bicker over his leadership skills.

And it’s Runway Day.  Ricky and Elisa are finished, but Victorya went ahead and changed her design (see above) and is now doing final fittings on the bodice. It’s flat. Ricky steps in and with his expertise in lingerie, adjusts the whole thing. The model says it feels better. Everyone in the room can see it fits and looks better. Victorya says that she likes it flat, despite all opinion and evidence to the contrary. Then she sulks about it for a while and until she finally admits that Ricky helped. Kevin is still working on his bell bottom hot pants and saying that he has to pull a magic rabbit out of his

hat. With two hours for hair and make up, we see SquintySteve worrying about Chris’ bolera jacket, which, it must be said “Girl? Is not so fabulous.”

Cut to Christian being a queen about his collection. I L-U-V it so mush. I L-U-V our collection. In all honesty, he says, Ricky’s is awful and Chris’ not much better. He may have a point, but that doesn’t mean I have to like hearing it from him. And cut to the runway where the guest judge is (without any ado or fanfare) Donna Karan.

Team Jillian goes first and they have put all three bad things into each piece. All three are made with the same denim/Liberty combination. The Liberty print is used as binding/finishing on the denim ho-down dress that is Rami’s interpretation of a poodle skirt. The high-waisted bell bottom hot pants are coupled with a shirt that looks like Daniel V’s blouse from his taken-from-nature challenge. (Remember the weird, poufy collar?) And Jillian’s overalls are adorable. High waisted, bell bottomed and with a sort of v-collared bib. In my youth, I either had them or would have worn them. If they were age appropriate, I’d still wear them.

Team Chris has chosen to unite the collection with their fabric choice. There is a wonderful sack dress from Sweet P, an Asian-inspired tunic over leggings from SquintySteve and a long dress with the awful bolero from Chris. Not so much a collection as three things in the same fabric coming down the runway at the same time. Meh.

Team Star (Christian) is a forgettable melange of black and white and stripes and nothing.

Team Ricky is a mini-ballerina tutu with a very nice boned bodice from Victorya, a hot mess from Ricky and a simple black sheath dress with neon splashes looking like cut outs from Elisa. Worse than meh.

The judges don’t even waste time on toying with the designers. The clear winner is Jillian’s team, since they had a vision, cohesion and well made garments. Done and done. The only thing left to do is to savage the crap from the rest of the designers. Christian escapes with his team. While there was no there there, there was also nothing to make Donna Karan or Michael Kors lose their lunches. Unlike, say, the designs of Team Chris and Team Ricky. With Team Chris, the pieces were seen as sort of OK, but not from the same show. There was a clear discrepancy of visions. The dance wear wasn’t fluid enough, the shoulder pads not modern enough, and hello? A bolero/shrug should be tight? Donna loved Sweet P’s dress, as well she should, because it looked like it came from one of her own collections; drab beige and black and knit and slouchy.

As for poor Team Ricky, NinaGarcia thought the concept was good, but badly sewn. Victorya actually stepped up and gave the credit for her fit and design to Ricky. Elisa jumped in to Ricky’s defense as well, saying that if his garment was poorly made, it was because as the leader, he had spent so much time helping and guiding her. But then it is the “Who goes home” question and Victorya gladly pushes Ricky under the bus. Elisa offers to sacrifice herself (of course) because that’s just the way she is. And Ricky glares at Victorya and opines that the workroom would be a better place without her passive/aggressive behaviors. Over on Team Chris, Steve says that Chris should go because he was the leader, Chris says he should go because he was the leader and Sweet P tries to take a pass. When pressed, she sort of squeaks out that Steve should go, but I forget why. Because he turned on Chris? Because his garment was weak? Because he squints?

The judges don’t like Victorya’s attitude (neither does Miz Shoes). They say that Chris failed as a leader by not making the collection cohesive, while Ricky failed by making bad choices and making decisions that made the challenge more difficult (Hel-lo? Duchesse satin? Are you mad?). Michael tosses out the Mother of the Bride insult for the millionth time and we hear the judges verdict: In are Sweet P, Elisa, Steve, Victorya (boo) and Ricky (who manages not to cry, which brings the total to two shows with and two without, weeping). Which means that Chris is out. Well, we’ll always have the salad dress.

He’s not a stray, he’s Ming the Merciless and he’s 14 years old. He is my beloved little Siamese and three days ago he stopped eating. He’s throwing up. He’s lost weight. He hasn’t pooped in two days. I’m waiting for the vet to call and tell me why. They wouldn’t let me stay with him, I had to drop the little fuzzball off. I’m crazy with apprehension. I just know that despite my watchful eye and care to close the door to my sewing room/studio, that Ming has gotten in there and eaten thread. I just know that he has an intestinal blockage and will require surgery, if that can even save him. I’m fretful and stressed and waiting for the phone to ring.

Think good thoughts, and help me get my shtinky puddin home safe and healthy.

UPDATE: Yes, it’s an intestinal blockage. No, he isn’t in mortal danger. We’re bringing him home overnight and he’ll go back in the morning, and most likely have surgery. Thank you for the good thoughts.

DEC. 9 UPDATE: He had surgery yesterday. The good news is that there wasn’t a tumor, scar tissue or a lump of thread. The bad news is that there was no reason for him to have had that blockage. The good news is I have the best vet in the world. The bad news is that he doesn’t know why Ming got sick, or if this will have gotten his intestines moving again. They just stopped. Lack of motility. The thing that has scarred me forever is that prior to the surgery, they gave Ming an enema. Now all of you cat lovers out there know how nigh onto impossible it is to give a cat a pill. The very thought of going in through the other end of the cat has me hiding under the bed in terror. One friend suggested that perhaps they knock the cat out first, but I don’t know if even that would help. Four paws full of claws, even clipped ones and an angry head full of teeth at the other end? I just can’t imagine the process, and every time I try to think about it, my mind skitters away like a droplet of water on a hot frying pan.

Oh, you people think that the only thing I do is watch Project Runway and ANTM, don’t you? Because I have been so very, terribly lax about posting these past couple of months. But you are wrong, wrong, wrong. I do so much more than that. For instance, I surf the internet aimlessly, I knit and ravel (un-knit) and I cook. Some of these things make for a nice synergy along the way.

Take for example, the aimless surfing and the food. When I was but a little shoe, my parents bought me a subscription to the Time/Life Foods of the World series for my birthday present. They were a wonderful introduction to the techniques and flavors of world cuisine. They were full of pictures and narrative and I still have every one of them, albeit a bit sticky, dog-eared and in some cases, a little water damaged. In one of the volumes about America, there was a two page photo spread on apples. I don’t remember what the title was in 1969, but today it would be heirloom apples. They may have been described as antique or lost varieties, or maybe just regional, but there was one apple in that spread that captured my imagination: the Sheepnose apple. It was longer, and somewhat more conical than a Red Delicious. It resembled, in fact, the nose of a sheep. Living in South Florida, there was no option of going around from orchard to orchard until I found one. Even today, with heirloom foods a major foodie trend, and boutique green grocers popping up, I have never seen a Sheepnose. BUT! In my aimless wanderings around the interwebs a couple of weeks ago, I Googled “Sheepnose apple” looking for pictures. Instead, I found Apple Source, a little, family-run business that sells varietal apples and ships them anywhere in the US. The lovely lady owner convinced me that I really didn’t want to eat a Sheepnose, because they are a fruit which is better in theory than in practice. She allowed as how one could find a really great Sheepnose, but only rarely, and then they don’t keep or travel so the only way to really and truly enjoy one would be to find an orchard having a good season, pick it and eat it right there. Sigh. But I did order a box of mixed heirlooms and the RLA and I have been doling them out like treasured jewels. And I ordered a box for the GirlCousin. And another for the David Lee Roth clone that is my brother-in-law. And now that the season has gone on and the varieties are changing, I may order another box for me.

Real apples. The smell alone is enough to make one swoon. The variety of tastes, and textures and colors is mind blowing. They are tart and sweet and tangy. The skins are rough (russets) or smooth. They are green with a rose colored blush, dark red, pale cardinal, yellow and green. Some of them are crunchy and others more mealy. None of them have been anything less than delicious. The RLA, who grew up in

Rochester, New York tells me that this has unleashed memories by the bushel. So go visit Jill and order yourself some apples. You’ll thank me.

The raveling and interwebs have intersected here at Ravelry.com. Ravel and unravel, like flammable and inflammable would seem to be opposites, but are actually synonymous. Anyway, you need to sign up for Ravelry (sounds like revelry, not to be confused with reveille) before you can get sucked in to the endless delights for yarn junkies. I have never seen a greater (in every sense of the word) time suck than Ravelry. I have entered my knitting needles and crochet hooks into a data base. Why? I can look over at the jar on my desk and see what I have. I’ve uploaded photos of my knitting, I’ve created a library of my reference books, even though they are on a shelf to my right (see WHY? above). I’m surfing patterns and yarns and looking for yarn junkie friends and looking at other people’s stashes. Yeah. I know. It’s yarn porn.

But there it is, and here I am, stuck to my laptop like a leech.

And then there is my love/hate relationship with “Tin Man”. And the never-ending garage sale plans. And a few bits of sewing that have yet to be finished, and did I mention that I’m heading to Disney World at the end of the week? Must commune with the mouse. More later, I think my boss has noticed I’m blogging and not working…

Project Runway, Week Three

Open on the interior of the boys’ apartments, where Jack is being hott, buff and mostly naked. He is using an inhalator and sorting through a wealth of medications, as he voice overs that he’s been living with HIV for 10 or so years and has never felt better. I think I speak for all of us in the audience, gay and straight, when I say he looks just fine. In the kitchen area Chris and Kevin (who would like you to know, before we go any further, that he is straight) are discussing the auffing of Marion and opining that nobody would have cried if Christian had been auffed. Christian is standing there, but somehow, I am not offended by the dissing of him to his face. Christian says, in his annoyingly valley girl way, that after almost being auffed? he’s not as confident? as he was before? And we’re out the door (they need more V-8) to Parson’s.

On the runway, Heidi tells them that there will be no model selection, because they will not be using their models this week. The designers are headed up and herded out for a field trip to Rockefeller Plaza, where they end up in the studios of the Today Show. Waiting for them are Tim and Tiki Barber. For those of you who don’t follow professional sports (every one of the designers except Kevin (who would like to remind you that he is, in fact, a straight man) is included in that group), Tiki Barber is a former NY Giant running back, played in three Pro Bowls and in 2007 was voted one of the best dressed men of the year by Vanity Fair. Squinty Steve delivers up the following comment, and endears himself to me forever: I don’t know much about sports, except that it’s probably the only time that spandex is acceptable. Miz Shoes is now officially on the Steve love train.

The challenge this week, a PR first, and one that is easily the hardest ever, is to design something for Tiki to wear on air. Tiki says that he likes dark colors, texture and depth. He also is not afraid to wear pink or other pastels. Kevin asks, and Tiki answers, that he likes details. There is the usual 30 minutes to draw, and 30 to shop and the budget is $100. They will have the rest of that day and all of the next to work.

Panic at the Workroom

Back at the workroom, it soon becomes apparent that practically nobody has any idea how to design menswear. Sweet P is already sweating. Kevin says that he has done menswear, and will make a suit. Rami of the Heavenly Arms opts for a sport jacket. Kit, who has done on-air clothing, goes for British School Boy Khakis. Ricky, who amazingly does not shed a single tear this week, decides that as a lingerie designer, he has to step up and design a whole 3-piece suit, just to prove himself. Christian has designed a jacket and pant. Carmen is lost, lost, lost and keeps turning to Jack for help. Jack asks Tim if they can use existing pieces as design guides and Tim says yes. This means that Jack drops trow, and cuts up his pants to make a pattern. which he graciously shares with Carmen and Victorya. This causes much sniffing and tut-tutting and someone (you know by now that I take lousy notes and don’t own TIVO, so I don’t remember who, but I would guess Chris or Christian) says that oooooh, jealousy will bring out the ugly. Sweet P knocks over a mannequin and yells “MAN DOWN!” Why I found that so funny, I cannot say. But I laughed out loud.

Chris observes that people are starting to figure out that sewing up a man’s suit takes a lot more time than they have been given, and Christian chirps that he is a speed queen. Well, actually those are my words. His are just that speed is his greatest asset. It sure isn’t his haircut or his speaking style. Chris says that he is completely self-taught, starting in 4th grade when he snatched the pants away from his mother and said he’d hem them up himself. He also says (and again, I can’t tell you why I found it so funny) that he loves pants, because pants are just two big sleeves sewn together. Rami of the Heavenly Arms and suddenly pissy attitude models his muslin, which, he says pointedly, he DRAPED, and did not TRACE. And they do fit beautifully.

Also beautiful is the bevy of male models who now enter the workroom. Kevin who, as we are all now well aware, is straight, is unimpressed. The rest of us (straight women and gay men) all swoon a little. Squinty Steve delivers another howler, as he says that OK, NOW he gets why straight men are always asking him how he can work with all those beautiful women standing around in their underwear. Jillian has to completely re-cut her pants. Elisa, keeping up her track record of random weirdness, lectures all of us about how she only wants to see her man. She won’t let her model undress in front of her, and she won’t measure him, either. Not even a hand measure… although I have my doubts about hand-measuring a crotch length. Could be fun… And I suppose we should all thank all higher powers that she doesn’t spit mark him, either.

Tim enters the workroom, and calls the designers together. This causes a some consternation, as they all expect another twist to the challenge, and they are already freaking out. But it isn’t a bad thing at all. It is Ginny Barber, Tiki’s wife, and she is there to give the designers a critique and direction. She loves the color and the vest of Jack’s work. She tells Ricky that Tiki loves layering and will like his look, but that there is a lot of work left to do. Kevin is doing a dress shirt, a double-vented jacket and a matching pocket square. Dashing says Miz Shoes. Carmen gets a reality check in the form of Tim and Ginny telling her that her jacket looks too much like a 1980s Members Only. Tim suggests that she recut the pattern, but there isn’t enough fabric, so Carmen is hosed.

As the evening winds down, Kevin is saying that he’s not doing a jacket for lack of time. Jack is focusing on completing his shirt and pants, and Ricky and Sweet P are fighting. Squinty Steve has the final say, and it is brilliant…“What’s that thing that they had on the Titanic before it sank?” he asks the camera. “Oh, yeah, panic. That’s what we have here.”

Show Time

Morning has broken, and Elisa is doing yoga. Sweet P is continuing to panic, as she says she has 3/4 of a pair of pants and no shirt. Jack carries Christian piggy back into the workroom, and the two of them look like some sort of R. Crumb fantasy. Ricky says that if you are going to fall, fall hard on your ass. I don’t think that will make it onto a needlepoint sampler to hang over the fireplace, but it does convey a little attitude. Carmen still needs to make a shirt. There are two hours for hair and make up and then it is show time. We get a quick once over of how far the designers have come. Christian is pretty much finished. Kit has three pieces. Ricky is making his model sew on buttons. Sweet P has made a shirt for a Todd McFarlane toy, with a neck as large as the waist, and other weird and horrible things happening throughout. Victorya says that she has “panic in her veins”, which is too bad, because I think ice water might be better under the circumstances.

Now we see Ricky hemming everything with pins. This is not going to be good. Carmen is looking at her model. The pants fit like shit and she is sewing him into them. There is no shirt, and she tears a swath of blue oxford cloth and wraps it around his neck to simulate a shawl collar and throws the jacket on over. Tim calls time and ends up practically having to drag Sweet P and Carmen out to the runway. Christian looks around and questions that it is going to be hard? to judge? because there is so much that is awful? Yeah. It pains me, but I must agree.

Heidi looks more fabulous than ever as she greets the designers. Is that an Uli that she’s wearing?

As the models come down the runway, Miz Shoes observes that, as impossible as it may seem, the stylists have done worse things to the men than they have yet done to the women. Who is doing hair and make up this year? Jillian’s ensemble is nice, Carmen’s is a hot mess with no shirt. The look on Michael Kors’ face is priceless. Christian has done something with an asymmetric neckline and an awful jacket that reeks of Patrick McGoohan in The Prisoner. Kit puts out a simple, but I think, too short jacket. Rami of the Heavenly Arms has a pair of beautifully tailored pants and a cheesy golf jacket. Sweet P has a mess. Squinty Steven has done a beautiful sweater, pants with a high waist, and an ascot. It is a lovely, retro look. Victorya sends down a white jacket with a black collar. Kevin has a nice vest, and a nice shirt. Kevin contributed the vest to the Bitten design, did he not? And his first dress had a waist cincher on it, sort of a ren fest wench affair. Is this a trend Miz Shoes is spotting? Chris has done a zipper front jacket. Jack has done some interesting things with pattern on pattern. Ricky should, but is not crying over the pinned-together crap his model has on. The model has the presence of mind to show the lining on the jacket, and it is the best part of the whole thing. Elisa has done three pieces: a nice enough shirt, a weird crunchy-granola vest that looks to be made from a kind of fuzzy pleather, and a nice pair of pants.

When The Whip Comes Down

The designers who can flee the runway with their chances intact are: Jillian, Christian, Rami OTHA, Squinty Steve, Victorya, Chris and Elisa. Flee they do. Gratefully, I may add. Kit gets the first critique, and Tiki likes the khaki and navy. The fact that the navy blazer is made out of fleece takes it out of the sleepy/boring place and makes it an interesting combination of textures. Tiki likes to use the word texture.

Sweet P is blasted by Michael Kors, who asks her how she could even send her model out in that crap. He acknowledges that she made a very nice tie…if the wearer was 7 feet tall. Her design is both conservative and messy, a bad combination in everybody’s book.

MK does love Jack’s shirt, which uses stripes vertically and on the bias, and is paired with pinstriped trousers. Tiki loves the pattern on pattern. Nina complains that there are only two pieces, and Tiki counters that they are two perfect pieces.

Ricky feels the wrath of NinaGarcia as she calls his work boring, dull, and held together with pins, as if we wouldn’t notice. Tiki says that it’s sloppy and that there is no way he would/could ever wear it.

Kevin, who is straight, you know, is told by Tiki that although he normally wouldn’t wear a vest, he’d wear that vest. MK clocks Kevin for time management skills and says that he should have left the vest open, rather than pinning it shut. There is a lovely and somewhat snippy exchange between Michael and Heidi when Michael says that Kevin’s look would look good on Seal and Heidi says it most certainly would not, because he would never be caught dead in it, but that it looks like David Beckham’s style. The way she says that is searingly dismissive. The RLA, who happily watches Project Runway with me, almost chokes.

Carmen’s jacket is too short, the shirt is too missing, and Michael calls the crotch “INSANE”. He has a point.

Are You In, Or Out?

Kevin, who is straight and wants you to remember that fact, is in. He had a nice, avant garde look. Kit is in for a unique point of view: doing a traditional blazer in a non-traditional fabric. Jack is the winner. Tiki says that the look was smart, and that Jack didn’t try to do too much. I could wear that tomorrow, says Tiki, and he will in fact, be wearing the look on the Today show. Good for Jack, although, for my money, I would have gone with Kevin. Sweet P remains in, despite having no concept of men’s wear or tailoring. Ricky remains in, despite his work being very badly made and very boring. Tiki even goes so far as to say it looked like his five-year-old made it. And that leaves Carmen. Her look was called unfinished, and that’s being kind. Michael Kors put it best when he said the problem is who would even put those things together? Her model was half naked and everything about her look was off. And now, so is she. Bye-bye little model girl. Bye-bye. Word to Ricky: good on you for not crying this week. But still, loose the little twee hats. They did Marion no favors and I fear for what they will do for you.

We begin our 11th episode with the remaining five bitches and hos in Shanghai. In what I am sure will come as a stunning turn of events for viewers everywhere, Binaca is talking shit to Heather. What were you thinking, when you were in the bottom two? she sweetly asks our favorite mildly-autistic beauty. Miz Shoes was thinking that of all the girls who ever needed a high fashion ass-whupping, it is that relentlessly evil stank ho, Binaca. Chantallobotomy and Jenah both bitch about Heather getting fed her lines and still sucking, and Jenah says that what really sucks is that ANTM has turned into a personality competition, not a modeling competition. And I ask you, is this news? Has she watched the show in seasons past? Someone who has watched is StankHoBinaca, who has been keeping track of the episodes and knows, even before the Tyra Mail is opened, that this is the week for go-sees. She is jumping up and down and squealing “GOSEEGOSEEGOSEEGOSEE!!!!”

Sure enough, the girls are sent to PT Modeling Agency, there to meet Susan Yang, the director. Salacious D is delighted to be going on go-sees, because she says they are the best. Heather thinks that she might have a problem with first impressions. Susan gives the girls their portfolios, their list of instructions, their translators and their drivers and a final admonition to be back by 6 on the dot.

The first whiff of trouble comes when Salacious D says that the drivers drop them off in the area, but not directly in front of their destinations. Binaca is interviewing that she totally has to win this, because she is totally going to be America’s Next Top Model. She is going to win. She has to win. And cut to Heather, wandering around lost…for at least half an hour. Chantallobotomy makes it to her first designer and is handed a sheer white dress. This is nice. She is wearing hot pink and black lace undies, which we and everyone in a five-mile radius can see through the dress. She has forgotten the first rule of go sees, which is to wear nude underwear. The designer is so shocked and appalled that he can barely tell her that she sucks and needs to be wearing nude underwear. She says he was harsh.

We see Binaca, again, and again she is whawhawhaing about going home is not an option. To which I say, fine. Stay in China, and never darken my tv screen again. Chantallobotomy makes it to Flora Zeta’s show room, and is dismissed with the statement that she might be fine for print, but that she cannot walk a runway. The other girls are now on their second and third go sees, and Heather is still wandering around in circles. She is remarkably sangfroid about it, though, unlike last year’s Brittney who would have been shrieking and biting the heads of of small passersby by now. Heather finally wanders in to a show room, and is asked to walk. She does. She is asked to make eye contact. She does not. This is repeated several times. Still, the designer loves her look. Jenah sees the same designer and is told flat out that her walk is awful.

Binaca and Salacious D end up in the same show room at the same time. Binaca was there first, and is just kissing the designer’s ass and throwing down major attitude at Salacious D, who is quietly waiting on the settee. As Binaca leaves, she asks Salacious D where the next designer is located. Salacious D, who has just come from there, smiles brightly and says as how she just has no idea. Binaca heads out and Salacious D snickers that the designer in question is about three floors up from where she is sitting. Binaca finds this out when she goes back to her driver and asks to be taken. The gloves are now officially off, bitches.

Heather is now lost again, to the degree that she has also lost her car and driver. She is terribly worried that she only got to see one designer. Chantallobotomy agrees to try on one more dress, and makes herself late. Binaca is running late, too. Salacious D does not want to be disqualified, and so heads off early to allow for unforeseen circumstances. Jenah is running late, sees Heather wandering around and won’t give her a lift. What a shitty thing to do. Competition or not, leaving someone wandering around lost in a foreign locale (even when that person is accompanied by a film crew) is a shitty, shitty thing to do. Karma’s a bitch baby, but not as big a bitch as Binaca.

In the end, only Binaca and Salacious D make it back to the agency on time. Jenah is 15 minutes late. Chantallobotomy is 20 minutes late. There is much hilarity as the girls discuss Heather, and how they’ve seen her wandering around, lost and without her cab. Ho, ho, ho. Such yocks. Heather, who does finally find her cab, is 40 minutes late. Only Binaca and Salacious D are eligible for the win. They load up onto their bus back to the gilded penthouse, and the other four all tell Heather not to be so hard on herself (that’s their job) and so what if she only saw one designer. Big deal. Bitches. Tonight is their night to go on the town, and I’m sorry that Janice Dickenson isn’t there to show Binaca and Salacious D what a real ball cutter looks like. I’m also sorry that Tiffany isn’t there to pour a beer on a bitch’s weave. Or bare scalp in the case of Binaca. They are dining water-side and taking in the view when Susan Yang comes in to tell them who won. Looking out across the harbor, they see a boat with a huge, illuminated billboard advertising the 2008 Beijing Olympics. There, in all her big mouthed, toothy glory(?) is Binaca. She is happy. Miz Shoes is not. Binaca won, says Susan because although she was stiff and nervous, her pictures were good. Salacious D had the personality, but all her pictures looked alike. I’m thinking that if there had been more than two choices, neither of these two would have won.

Speaking of if there had been another choice, Jaslene comes on to talk about “my life” (note: that’s just My Life, and there is no As A Covergirl). She says what I think is that it is a tradition for the ANTM winner to throw out the first pitch at an Orioles game. Now this is just totally confusing to me. Jaslene is from Chicago. Noxema, who was the first girl to chuck out a baseball, as I recall, was from Detroit. The show is filmed in L.A. So how does Baltimore get the tradition and/or questionable “honor”? Jaslene, despite looking like a tranny, throws like a girl and gets the ball straight up in the air, and no where near home plate. It’s a shining moment. For someone. Somewhere.

Back with the hamsters, there is Tyra Mail. “No lion, it’ll take a lot of pride to get through this challenge.” Ooh, ooh!!! Posing with animals!!! Says one of the dumb blondes. They make it to the location and there is a lot of talk about the noisy bugs. I don’t know why. Except for the sound of the locusts, there is nothing at all to do with bugs. We have a repeat of the silk lion/dragons who announced that we’d be coming to China. And our photographer today is—- NIGEL! WHEE!!! I love Nigel. This is the shot where they have to stand out in a crowd. The example is that wooly-eyebrowed snooze who won in the Bolly-wood shot. What was her name? The one who freaked out over birds? Nicole. Who was from like, Frostbite Falls, Minnesota. Another location with baseball that isn’t Baltimore.

We next see Jenah getting all sarcastic with Nigel. He’s come to talk to her about not being nervous with him because he’s a judge and she just blows him off, fanning herself and saying she’ll try hard not to faint. He makes a snide comment about her sarcarsm. The other hamsters are horrified that Jenah is so rude. Well, it’s no “Is that the stick you pulled out of your ass after the last panel”, but it isn’t good. Out on the set, Nigel tells her that she is a Chinese princess, and that she needs to inspire him and impress Jay. He also tells her that he gets bored easily, so she needs to mix it up with her poses and her angles. Jay says that it just wasn’t in her eyes today. No pop. Unlike Salacious D, who, says Jay, is all confidence.

Backstage, we see Binaca preening over herself and deciding that she isn’t going to smile because it makes her make up wrinkle. I don’t know. I just take notes, people. In front of the camera, Jay tells her to smile, and not look so mean. That, my little orange man, is like asking a skunk not to stink. Chantallobotomy is channeling her inner Carol Channing, and doing big arms, and Diana Ross show girl poses. Jay tells her to stop forcing it. Heather is walking around, psyching herself up. The other girls ridicule her and say she must be thinking about making art with her body. I hate these girls. At least they aren’t all up in her face this time, they are politely out of hearing range. Heather says that she is just going to go with her instincts and intuitions and not think too much. She hits a pose and looks like Uma Thurman in a brunette wig. The other girls are all behind Nigel, watching. And, of course, sniping about how bad Heather is doing. Jenah in particular is jealous of Heather’s outfit and starts showing how she’d be working that shit. Nigel tells her to put a sock in it. Really. Jay says that Heather was second guessing herself, not up to her usual standards.

There is Tyra mail, and once more, Binaca says that she knows she’s good, that she’s not going home and that her shit don’t stink and that she invented modeling. Jenah says that, uh, well, it was a bad week for her and she is nervous. In the judging room, there is barely enough room for both Miss Jay’s afro and Tyra’s ego. They somehow make it work. The guest judge is Susan Yang. First up for individual evals is Chantallobotomy, who, it is duly noted was 20 minutes too late to compete in the challenge and it’s probably for the best, seeing as how the hot pink and black lace underwear was such a glaring faux pas. Tyra and Miss Jay explain how one can rinse one’s step-ins in the hotel sink and still be ready with flesh-colored undies on go-see day. Her Nigel photo wasn’t bad, but every time she got a compliment on set, she’d get giddy and lose it. Lose what? Her composure? Her mind? More on this later.

Binaca was the challenge winner, as two of the three designers would book her. Her Nigel photo is critiqued thusly: body amazing, face awful. Stank in/stank out, I say. She isn’t fluid on the set. She wouldn’t relax and smile. Jenah was 15 minutes too late to compete in the challenge (and nobody brings up how she left Heather wandering around in the street). She has a diverse portfolio and not enough personality. What personality she does have, nobody likes. Be careful with your sense of humor, say Tyra and Nigel. You could offend people. Yeah? Remember Carideemented and the stick? That didn’t seem to hurt her, and I thought that was a hell of a lot ruder than not swooning for Nigel.

Salacious D came in second on the challenge (or last, depending on how one wishes to look at second place out of two). She had a great personality and good pictures. Nigel says she was his favorite to shoot. Miss Jay says that she finally pushed the envelope and looks edgy-ish rather than like a commercial girl who is trying to look edgy with an edgy haircut. She still didn’t win, though. And that leaves Heather, who was 40 minutes late. Her runway walk was seen as a little awkward. Miss Jay asks her to walk for them, right there and she does. Sadly, Miss Jay says that all Heather really needs is a Top Model ass-whooping, but it’s a little too late for that now. Twiggy loves her picture and Susan says that Heather has a great look for China. And off the girls go, to await the decision.

Nigel says that Binaca was his least favorite girl, and Miz Shoes says “Amen and hand to g-d”. Salacious D is on the edge of the steps of high fashion, what ever that means. Chantallobotomy is missing something…like, maybe, a clue. And that, my friends and loyal readers, is why I have been calling her Chantallobotomy since day one. She doesn’t have enough brain cells to rub together to light up a neuron. Jenah is good girl with an awful, know-it-all personality, and Heather has some sort of disconnect. Oh. You think? Isn’t that the Aspberger’s? Still, says Nigel, all she has to do is get in front of the camera and the camera finds the beauty. Everyone, he says, would like her.

And the pictures go to: Salacious D, and in the background we see Binaca just loathing the fact that it isn’t her. There is a forced smile on her face and hatred in her eyes. She gets the second picture and a lecture not to go to sleep this close to the prize. Chantallobotomy is third and told to hold it together. Finally, there are Jenah and Heather, both of whom have the strongest pictures, yet neither can communicate in person. There is some weird, obvious voice over from Tyra, the first time that I’ve ever heard it so clearly. I wonder what she really said… Jenah has a personality that turns off the judges, and yet, she gets the final photo. It is the matter of the go sees. You can’t get the jobs if you can’t get to the casting call. The judges are clearly sad to have to send Heather home, but not as sad as we are out here on the couch.

Heather has the last word, though, and it is classy. “The experience” she says, “was much more than the prize.” I’m sure she’ll do just fine. Unlike a certain bald-headed stank bitch, who we see giving Salacious D a little pay back in the previews for next week.

PROJECT RUNWAY: WEEK TWO

We begin the way all reality shows begin, with the people who remain dissing the person who did not, but in the speaker’s opinion should have, gone home. In the particular, Rami of the Heavenly Arms thinks that Simone le Fang was way better than Elisa. Well, that remains to be seen, doesn’t it? And as quickly as that, we are back on the runway and having our first model selection. Rami, as the winner of last week’s challenge, gets to make the choice to stay with his model (Ashley) or change. He stays. This our second clue that Rami’s judgement is much less developed than his biceps. Chris takes Marcia, Carmen goes too fast, and according to my notes (and why would I actually look this up on-line for accuracy?), the remaining selections go like this: Christian/Lisa; Marion/Charol; Ricky/Blee; Elisa/Vive; Steve/San; Kevin/Amanda; Jillian/Lauren and Sweet P/Katie. You figure that out… I’m too busy trying to remember which designer is which. I can’t be troubled to remember the models, too.

The challenge this week is to create an outfit for a pop culture & fashion icon. Oooooh, who can it be now? Carmen guesses a singer who is also an icon and that would be Madonna. Or Britney, says an anonymous other, who then adds that the poor thing needs some sort of help. Tim comes into the workroom and says “Designers? Gather ‘round.” and introduces (wait for it) Sarah Jessica Parker! Jack and Christopher pretty much swoon. Chris starts crying and says that he moved to New York pretty much because of Sex & The City. To which I say, schnort. And also, who the hell am I to laugh, seeing as it is a known fact that I moved to New York City because of Born to Run? So, bravo to Chris.

The designers are challenged to make a two-piece look for SJP’s clothing line, Bitten. It should go in the fall/winter line and if it’s good enough, will enter into production. Bitten, says SJP, is (supposed to be) high-end American sportswear at an affordable price. That means this look needs to retail for under $40. And that means that the budget at Mood will be $15. To which I say, good fucking luck with that. And to which Chris says, what can we get at Mood for $15 other than toilet paper and scotch tape? The designers are given half an hour to draw. They will then present their sketches to SJP, and she will pick seven designs. The designer will chose a partner, and then they will produce the look. SJP gives everyone a dossier on what is in Bitten’s fall/winter line. Jack jumps on that like a trampoline. Christian goes for a dress and jacket. Ricky goes for the Kleenex box, because he has already started to cry. Oh, for the love of god, man, butch up a little. Maybe if you’d stop with the stupid, wee hats… Jack has some beautiful marker renderings, but we quickly pass over the drawing and thinking and go straight to the presentations.

Chris does a knit turtleneck dress, and my notes say “gush, gush.” They do not say, nor do I remember, if that was SJP gushing over the drawing, or Chris gushing over SJP. I somehow think it was the latter. Elisa delivers up an Angela-worthy blahblahblah about her dress being polymorphic and having a cape with variable flaps. Sweet P thinks that Bitten is lacking in skirts and offers one to beef up the line. Kevin has a “button story”. Kevin, who would like you to know, before we go any farther, that he is straight, is also lacking in social skills. He gets up and bolts off, leaving Sara Jessica Parker sitting there with her hand stuck out in empty air, waiting for a handshake. Oopsies. Gotta work on that, buddy. Christian makes up for it though, by having a “pleating” story and demanding a hug. Kit shows leggings and Ricky has a knit. Jillian does something flirty with a jacket. Victorya shows yet another freaking baby doll dress, and I for one, was tired of that look after seeing her portfolio in episode one. But this one has a vest over it. Quel difference! Marion does a fitted cape, which, I think is some what oxymoronic. Steven, who has that squinty thing going on that made French Stewart so funny on Third Rock From the Sun, even though it never translated to a career, does something in classic black. Rami has a shirt dress and tights and Carmen goes for a Juliette sleeve.

SJP makes her selections for team leaders and they are: Elisa and her Riding Hood Polymorphous Cape; Kit with the knit with low pockets; Victorya and her stupid baby doll with bow; Marion and his fitted cape; Ricky and his cropped top; Christian and his very complicated-looking jacket and Rami of the Dreamy Arms (nobody can resist the arms) gets props for being concerned about different types and styles of women with his shirt dress. Then SJP gets totally giddy and squeals “I’ll see you on the runway!” Can this show get any gayer? Would we care? Would we want it to be less gay? And the answers are: yes, no and no.

Off to the workroom for the excruciating game of “Last Designer Picked For a Team”. Marion of the stupid twee little hats chooses Squinty Steven. Ricky the Weeper opts for Jack, and who wouldn’t? Victorya picks Kevin and is probably the first to go for substance over style. Kit picks Chris, ditto on the skill set. Rami of the Arms of Legend picks Jillian, Christian takes Carmen (matching stupid emo haircuts) and that leaves Elisa with Sweet P. Elisa shows the same sort of class that Chris did in Bryant park and says that she got just who she wanted, ha-ha! and Sweet P wants to kill herself for being forced to work with Elisa.

Next stop: Mood

We see Kit telling Chris that they will be working with fleece and jersey. We see Elisa grabbing all sorts of stuff as Sweet P voices over that Elisa was grabbing all sorts of stuff that had nothing at all to do with the colors used in the Bitten line. Christian says that he’s ready to go, except he’s an awful up-talker, so it comes out “Ready?”“To Go?” And back they go to the workroom, where they have until midnight to cut and sew. Kevin and Victorya discuss shape. Rami instructs Jillian that he wants a loose fit so that all different body types can wear the garment. Squinty and Twee Hat Boy are talking. And talking. And talking. Elisa is trying to figure out how to make her dress with one cut. This is the same strategy she used last week, and it will soon come to light why. What we didn’t see last week, and what we can hope that we never see again, is how Elisa marks the pattern. She spits on it. She calls this “spit marking” and it is not as common a procedure as “hand measuring”. I need to mention that she spit marks the dress while Sweet P is holding the fabric up to her body. Elisa explains that she spit marks the fabric to “imbibe it with energy.” She means to imbue. To imbibe is what I need to do with a bottle of scotch if she keeps doing things like spit mark. Eek. Sweet P opines that she is from Earth and Elisa, some other planet, the happy planet of unknown name.

Ricky is crying again. Steve thinks that the design Marion has come up with is overly ambitious, but since he (Steve) is merely the sewing partner, he isn’t going to say anything, but he really is the one going to have to do all this sewing. Victorya and Kevin are doing fine, ticking along nicely. Elisa is hand-sewing the one seam (see? one cut, one seam. Can’t do a lot of hand sewing, so a minimum of seams is a requirement in a speed test like this.) The designers only have half an hour left, and there is still lots to do. Kit observes (astutely) that while she gets Elisa’s (my note says ‘intrigue’, but that can’t be right, so I’ll say) viewpoint, but that girlfriend is going to have to learn to use a sewing machine. And I say Amen and hand to G-d.

Runway Day

It’s the morning of runway, and now we see Jillian in a stupid hat. I’m telling you, this is stupid hats, stupid tats, stupid hair season on Project Runway. Carmen saunters over to chat with Sweet P, who is struggling mightily to iron the “handmade crap” and make it work. There is one hour for hair and make up. Jack says that Ricky has the “sickest model”, by which he means she is hott. Kit says that their sweater ended up looking a little French, so they accessorized it with a beret. Squinty and Twee Hat have made something greige, and not quite finished and ratty-tatty. It’s getting ugly, says Squinty Steve, and getting uglier, says Miz Shoes. Christian is primping and doing his own makeup in the L’Oreal makeup room. Elisa thinks that somehow, she and Sweet P made a perfect marriage. Kevin (who is straight, you know) and Victorya have made a little racer backed vest over the stupid baby doll and added a huge floppy bow at the neck of the dress. Christian, having finished his eye makeup says that he will be Surprised? If he doesn’t win?

Out come the models: Kit and Chris with their long-ish sweater and 3/4 leggings. Very cute on the model, it would look like crap on me or any other woman larger than a size two. Elisa and Sweet P’s dress is (and it sort of kills me to say this) really, really cute with a bat wing sleeve. The skirt is cut a touch too slim, and the cape is crap, but the dress is stunning. Rami and Jillian have made a meh shirt dress, with meh leggings. They have saddled their model with a purse the size of a Mini Cooper and an Amy Winehouse beehive, held in place by a ginormous head band. The whole look is awful. Twee Hat and Squinty send out their sloppy, floppy, fringed thing which makes me squeak: POCAHANTAS! As it turns out, it made Michael Kors squeak the same thing. Victorya and Kevin send out the sack and vest, and my note says boring/bad. Christian and Carmen have made a jersey turtleneck dress in almost the same color and cut (except for the batwing sleeve) that Elisa made. They have added a 1980s Euro-Trash fitted jacket over it. I notice that the cut of their dress has made their little stick-like model look like she has a poochy belly. Not a good sign. The last dress out is a sweet little scoop necked dress in a gorgeous shade of cranberry, and it was Ricky’s dress. Don’t cry, little emo boy, we love your dress, and we love the way you accesorized it.

Rating the Runway

The following designers represent the best and the worst: Elisa, Victorya, Marion and Christian. Victorya’s design is seen as “interesting” by Sarah Jessica Parker. NinaGarcia says that many types of women could wear it. Miz Shoes says that not many would want to. Twee Hat’s model is asked to remove the belt. This only makes it worse, because the sweater knit now looses any semblance of shape. The proportions are off. SJP says that the sketches look sophisticated. Michael Kors says the actual garment looks like Pocahantas and also, costume-y. It is noted that the arm holes are so huge that you can see the model’s bra, or side-boob. Heidi says that she just doesn’t get the whole thing, and it looks like it came off the basement floor. After the judges have finished flaying Marion, they move on to Elisa. Her dress, she explains, is polymorphic, which means it can be worn in many ways. The judges have been told about Elisa’s “spit marking” technique, and Heidi thinks that maybe she isn’t understanding the English words. Michael Kors looks like he’s going to vomit, at least a little bit. But, say the judges, the finished dress is great looking, and SJP declares the sleeves “stunning.”

Christian is called out for his full-on 1980s Addicted to Love look. Christian just sniffs his little emo sniff, and demands to hear what SJP has to say. What she says is that the dress is much more severe than his sketches, the color is different than what he showed her and that the dress itself is too short and too snug. Asked and answered, Little Emo Boy. This makes Carmen cry, so the judges ask her which designer she thinks should be sent home for this. Before she can answer, Christian steps up and says, I should. It was my design, and I take responsibility. Someone saw how much street cred Malan got for that answer last year, me thinks. The same question is asked of the team of Squinty and Twee Hat, and Marion gives the same answer: I was the leader, I’ll take the hit.

I have some weird notes about Elisa and Sweet P winning the Cape Cup? They took crazy and whining and turned it into something fabulous. I think this is where Elisa told the judges that she comes from another planet…with gifts. And does that mean that she is possessed of gifts? Or that she is coming to give us presents? And how much of how good that looked was due to Sweet P and her construction and pressing skills? Well, it doesn’t matter, because the winner is Victorya and Kevin (who is, you know, straight). It comes down to Marion and his stupid twee hat or Christian and his stupid emo haircut going home. Bye-bye little twee hat. Bye-bye.

And that is the end of episode two. So, week one was won by Rami of the Heavenly Arms, and week two by Victorya of the never ending baby doll dress. Hopefully, by week four, someone will notice a distinct lack of variety in her style.