We open in the Atlas, where Korto is brushing her teeth in the kitchenette sink. Ewww. Not nice. And I love Korto, but still. In the kitchen sink? Leanne offers an interview wherein she says that Kenley should have been gone a long time ago, for her stank attitude, disrespectful demeanor and all around general rudeness to the world. And because she can’t design, either.

Kenley, however, interviews that Leanne is a bitch who threw her under a bus in the last challenge by not working/selling her garment on the runway and making Kenley look like a fool. The Number Three Surrogate Daughter and I agree that Kenley can do that just fine without any help from anyone. Kenley uses the word sabotage, even. Sabotage, from the French sabot, for the wooden shoes the mill workers threw in the machinery during the Industrial Revolution, to break the mechanical looms and retain their jobs. This ends today’s language lesson.

Jerell is sitting on the floor in what used to be the boys’ dorm, alone except for his Tim Gunn bobble head doll, and the two apples he’s named Joe and Suede. He holds the Suede apple and talks in the third person: “Suede wants you to do well today, Jerell.” As he leaves, he reminds the fruit not to rot on the counter while he’s gone. Oh, Jerell.

At Parson’s there is another model swap non-event, as Korto keeps Katarina and Seveera is sent away in her slip. Tim is waiting for the remaining designers in the lobby, as there is yet another (or last) field trip. This one finds the designers in the New York Botanical Garden, where they meet Collier Strong, lead makeup artist for Loreal Paris. He tells them that the textures and colors of nature are the inspiration for some line of cosmetics or another, and that their final challenge will be to design an evening gown inspired by nature. Specifically, the nature in the New York Botanical Garden. They get a digital camera, and an hour.

Jerell wanders around and finds a bed of purple and fuchsia roses. He’s happy. Leanne wanders around surrounded by bees. She’s not happy, but she takes lovely photos of out of focus lavender flowers. They aren’t Lavender flowers, they are merely the color lavender. Korto finds a spot that has flowers that reminds her of her mother’s garden in Africa. The flowers are spiky and range in color from cadmium orange to lemon yellow, all on the same spike. She says that she’s going to win this challenge for her momma. Kenley declares that this is her challenge because she is all about color (and ugly floral prints). She crows and caws her usual line of drivel about being the best.

Back at Parsons, the designers have 30 minutes to pick their inspirational photo. They will have 2 days to sew, and a budget of $250 to spend at Mood. Korto is using her Flamenco flower, and Jerell his roses. Kenley alone has chosen something that is not a flower. She’s focused on a purple coleus, and has a photo of a cluster of leaves. At Mood, she bolts off looking for tulle (of course) and then finds what she says is the “perfect” fabric to represent her leaves: a fuchsia fake lizard skin. It is a literal depiction of the texture in the coleus.

Korto is sweating because she has no background in evening wear. Well, she never made men’s pants before she won with her punk look for Suede, so take heart, Korto. Leanne is sketching a tiered effect using a softer, more draped version of her flaps and noodles. Kenley panics when she realizes that she left her bag of tulle at Mood. Tulle. Who the fuck uses tulle except wedding dress makers and ballet costumers? Kenley. Kenley uses it like bad cooks use salt: everywhere and in everything.

As it happens, both Korto and Jerell have tulle that neither of them is going to use. But, you know? Karma is a bitch, just like Kenley, and neither Korto nor Jerell have any intention of letting Kenley get her hands on a square inch of it. Jerell amuses himself by leaving his piles of tulle on clear display on his work table.

DAY TWO

Jerell comes into the girls’ dorm to say hi and ask Korto to give him a smokey eye. In the workroom, Kenley asks Jerell if his tulle is for sale, and he grins and says nopey. Tim discovers Kenley’s shortage, and tells her that she can hot foot it back to Mood on her own time to get her tulle, if she needs it. But for now, it’s models and fittings. We see Leanne and her soft periwinkle blue fabric. Kenley is using her faux snakeskin to make a basic tube dress.

Collier comes in and discusses the models’ makeup designs. Kenley wants a dark, dramatic eye. Jerell gets to use lime green on the eye, and purple on the lips. Korto is going gold and glowy, and Leanne delicate and flower-like. Sweet. Jerell and Korto are nose to nose and toes to toes, giggling and sharing a moment. Kenley is sitting by herself. She interviews that she’s alone. The other designers are bonding, and she’s all by herself. It’s been like this her whole life. She doesn’t know why.

Hey, Kenley? The reason it’s been like this your whole life is because you are the nastiest, meanest, rudest little snot-nosed bitch to ever grace reality teevee. Really. You make Puck look like a saint.

Kenley goes on to say that her daddy was a tug boat captain, and she spent her childhood out at sea. Raised by sea wolves? Anyway, she says, she can’t help it. “I am who I am.” You know? Sometimes, it’s just too easy. My notes say: “Insert Popeye joke here.” I’m guessing that Swee’ Pea turned out to be the bastard child of Olive Oyl and Bluto, and now she’s here on Project Runway.

Tim comes in for his walkabout, and begins with Korto. Talk to me about the lace. It’s all sleek and 2008 in the front and Catherine the Great in the back. Resolve the lace, Korto.

Kenley announces that she loves her dress. Tim is so over Kenley. He says that the bottom looks like fish scales. Kenley is delighted to hear that. Tim reminds her that this was a botanical challenge and not an oceanic. Kenley hears “blah, blah, blah, Kenley, blah, blah, blah” and is thrilled that Tim has praised her work so highly.

Jerell’s dress has the potential to knock everyone’s socks off. But it needs refining and work. Of Leanne’s dress, Tim says, and I quote: “Blerg.” He calls it Hello, Dolly. As he leaves, he tells the remaining four that he’s immensely proud of them and to work, work, work. Instead, they all cry, cry, cry. The pressure has finally gotten to them all. Leanne’s crying over how much work she has left to do. She’s wanted to show at Fashion Week since she was 12.

DAY OF SHOW

We see Jerell ironing his clothes, and dress in a towel. Now he’s crying. Korto is praying and crying. The only one not crying is Kenley, and that’s because she’s too busy saying that she hates everyone else and their work sucks, too. In short, her opinion is that she doesn’t like anything Korto does. Jerell throws a bunch of glamorous shit together and it looks like crafts projects and Leanne does pleated details. Hofuckinghum, seen it all before.

Whereas, nobody’s done retro WWII dresses, ever.

Leanne is still sniveling that this isn’t going to be her best work. Korto is stressing. And with that, we hit the runway. Tonight’s guest judge is Georgina Chapman, founder and designer for Marchesa.

Korto’s dress is, well, uh, boring, actually. Leanne’s lavender is interesting and asymmetrical, but the dark blue fishtail in the back looks like an afterthought. Jerell’s dress is draped and fitted in the front (albeit frighteningly low across the bust) and has a sac back. There are layers of color in the front. Kenley has stuck a little black patent leather belt around the waist of her dress. It is a simple, skin-tight tube with cut-away armholes. At the bottom are layers of flaps with satin edging. It looks a lot like my Barbie doll’s Solo in the Spotlight dress.

Beginning with Leanne, the judges are impressed with her work. The bodice is great, says Chapman. NinaGarcia says that it’s feminine and soft. Michael Kors is distracted by the dark blue bustle (See?) and Heidi says that the dress is pretty.

Korto’s flamenco flower dress is dismissed as “pageant” by Michael and Heidi. NinaGarcia thinks that it’s overworked, and not sophisticated. Korto tried too hard to impress the judges, and lost her taste.

Jerell’s dress makes Heidi want to jump up on the runway and hike the girl’s bodice up about 4 inches. NinaGarcia finds it “messy but youthful”. Chapman asks what Jerell would have done with extra time to make the workmanship better.

And then there’s Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong. Georgina says that it isn’t organic. NinaGarcia says that it looks like a reptile (and as Kenley interrupts to say thanks for the compliment, you get me, you really get me) NinaGarcia continues her sentence with “and not in a good way. It is not young or hip or cool at all.” Michael Kors tells Kenley that it’s clichéd and she tells him it isn’t. Heidi remarks that the dress isn’t very elegant, and Kenley snarls that “I wasn’t GOING for elegant, HEIDI.” It is truly an amazing performance. The amount of self-satisfaction combined with complete and utter incapacity for criticism and knowing one’s place is stunning.

So. Heidi asks the final question of each designer: Why you, and who else do you think should show at Bryant Park? Jerell is up first, and cries and cries and gets all twitterpated, and finally arrives at the answer that he should be joined by Korto and Leanne because the retro thing that Kenley does is old. Kenley interrupts him to bitch at him and Jerell stops crying long enough to tell her to stuff a sock in it and she’ll get her own turn to speak. Yeah for Jerell.

Leanne promises not to be boring and wants to see Jerell and Korto with her, because they are at the same level of talent, unlike Kenley who only has the same old same old. Korto wants to show because she’s the oldest of the designers and she wants to prove that it’s never too late to achieve a dream and she wants to show a little of her cultural heritage. And yeah, Leanne and Jerell are really sweet human beings with really fine designs and should be the other designers in the tent.

Needless to say, none of this sits well with our little nest of vipers, and Kenley shits on Korto the most, saying that her work is boring and although she would personally, rather not see any of the others at Bryant Park, if forced to choose, she’d grudgingly accept Leanne and Jerell.

The judges agree that this was not the best show of the year. NinaGarcia makes a face that matches the “blerg” Tim uttered in the workroom. Georgina Chapman says that she would like to see more of Leanne’s work, and that she finds Jerell’s work intriguing. There are concerns about his finishing techniques, but his point of view is young and exciting.

Korto’s final dress was too pageanty and clichéd, but her workmanship is impeccable. Her color sense is also applauded. Kenley? Not so much. Chapman says that she saw nothing of Kenley’s promise or the style that the other judges swore she had. And then Miss Kors delivers. Forget what her clothes look like, he says. She’s rude. Can you imagine her if a buyer said he didn’t like a sleeve? What would she do? Take a knife out and kill him?

With that we cut to the last freaking Bluefly commercial of the show and I truly, deeply hope that smug bitch gets some clothes before next season.

Heidi tells the designers that this was the closest runway they’ve judged in 5 seasons. Only three will compete at Fashion Week. Leanne and Jerell had the highest scores, and Jerell squeaks by with the win. All four designers must go home and create a collection, and all four are still in the running. The final three will be determined when they come back to New York for Fashion Week. This means that Jerell can still be eliminated.

Backstage, Tim calls for a group hug. Kenley interviews that it’s annoying that the other designers hate her, but it just makes her want to beat them into the dirt. This attitude may be why they (and we) hate you so, Kenley. You are a rude, insensitive, self-absorbed skank bitch. And your designs suck, too.

One last preview shows Jerell, Korto and Leanne sitting together in the hotel as they return for Fashion Week. Kenley is heard in voice over saying that it isn’t worth even talking to the others, because she’s never going to see any of them ever again.

You know? Probably not so. For sure you’ll be trotted out together for reunion shows, and guest appearances. And if, as you all so deeply desire, you make it in the fashion world, it’s a pretty small circle. Most likely scenario is that you will see them and they will cut you cold. Like the flounder you are.

Next week? It’s Erev Yom Kippur, you idiots! I’m going to have to go to RJ’s as soon as services let out, because she’s the one with TIVO.

That Sarah Palin is an unmitigated idiot, a Stepford Veep, a fem-bot with her logic chip impaired, this video should dispel all doubts. Compare and contrast, muthafuggers.

I’ll be back later with my Project Runway recap, because, you know, all politics and no play makes me more unbearable than Sarah Palin.

OH. MY. GOD. The Rude Pundit has outdone himself, again. I’m having a shitty day here at my shitty job, and the car I’m trying to sell has to have work before I can sell it, and my husband’s run up a dental bill of about $2000 this last month, and the special snowflake that I work with is up my ass so far that if I grind my teeth any harder, I’m going to shatter one or more, but I read Rude’s essay on what Joe Biden should say about Sarah’s readiness to serve, and I laughed out loud. And felt a little bit better for a minute or two.

Previously on Project Runway: Kenley laughed at Straight Joe on the runway, and was six kinds of skank beyotch.

Open on the green Atlas, where Korto and Leanne reveal that they weren’t surprised to see Straight Joe auffed. Suede interviews that Suede needs to step up his game because he’s been in the bottom three times already. Is that all? And with that we are whisked away to Parsons where we have another model selection. At this point there are eight models and five designers, so there’s a large culling of the herd to be done. Jerell stays with Nicole. Kenley steals Joe’s old model Topogigio. Leanne loves her model, but thinks that Suede’s girl is better, so steals his TuhTuhTuhTia. Suede is Very Unhappy. Suede then takes Sephora, and Korta opts for Katarina. This leaves Paulina, Germaine and Karoline out. Karoline is pissed that Leanne turfed her after so many good weeks together, and she leaves the stage looking angry and teary. Hey, lighten up, it’s only fashion.

The challenge this week is to dress each other. The magic button bag works overtime as it reveals that Suede will be designing for Jerell, Kenley will design for Leanne, Korto will dress Suede, Jerell will dress Kenley and Leanne will clothe Korto. The added twist is that each designer is randomly assigned a musical genre and the clothes designed for them should reflect that genre. Got it? The next pairing from the button bag is designer to musical genre and Kenley will be pop music (she hates pop, because she thinks it’s cheesy). Fair enough, and if anyone but Kenley said that, I’d agree. But the Andrews sisters were the pop stars of their day, honey, and I’m willing to bet dollars to doughnuts that they are in deep rotation on your i-pod. If you have an i-pod, and not a portable turntable that only plays 78s. Suede is a punk rocker, yawn. Korto gets saddled with being country music. Leanne is deemed hip-hop, and Jerell gets rock and roll. Jerell thinks that Suede should be able to handle that.

The gang of five gets an hour to consult with each other, $150 to spend at Mood and until midnight to sew. Leanne tells Kenley that she wants to be gangsta. Kenley tells Leanne no. Kenley is going to make a pair of high-waisted jeans, because that’s what hip-hop is to Kenley, and if we know one thing about Kenley by now, it is that she is a stone bitch who will do what ever the hell she wants and is delusional about how right she is about everything. Jerell tells Suede that he wants a high collar and a cape. Neither Suede nor the audience can tell if Jerell is just putting Suede on. I can sort of see Jerell in an Elvis jumpsuit, though. It could be fun. Jerell is loving the idea of Kenley as a pop tart, and takes great delight in telling her that he’s going to turn her into Kenley Spears. Korto and Leanne are working on Korto’s look when Kenley comes over and tries to eat up more of Leanne’s time by having her try on some shoes. Korto tells Kenley that this is her thirty minutes and to back the fuck off. Kenley insists and whines, but knows that Korto could snap her in half and finally backs off.

At Mood, Jerell is still cracking up over what he plans for Kenley: “stretchy, netty and shiny.” Kenley herself has found some more ugly floral prints and argues with Tim about whether or not it’s hip-hop. Tim (and everyone who’s watching) thinks that it is not. Kenley of course, knows that it is. “It looks like grafitti.” Or not.

Back in the Parson’s workroom, Korto tries on a pair of hot cowboy boots and suddenly becomes Shania Jenks at the CMAs. This sets off a round of “what’s my musical name” and Jerell says that Leanne is L’il J Blige. It was a lot funnier when he said it. Korto and Jerell do a little bonding over the fact that Kenley has got absolutely no clue about what hip-hop is. Jerell says that there is nothing hip-hop in Kenley’s bag of 1950s dresses. That’s pretty funny when he says that, too.

Jerell is fawning over the two mannequins with his winning designs and asks Korto to give it up for him a little. She puts him back in his place, promptly. Undaunted, Jerell says that he wants to win three in a row, and he’s hoping that his fishnet minidress with rhinestone cuffs will do it. Kenley says that getting sexed up by Jerell is scary. Honey, you have no idea. Suede shocks us all by saying that the blue mohawk is just for show. Actually Suede is a trained classical cellist. My mind explodes a little. Suede is making stretchy jeans with a super-long leg that will scrunch up at the ankles. Did I already say yawn? Where’s the cape and the Superfly collar? Meanwhile, Jerell is still laughing at Kenley and her aversion to his sexy little pop star dress. She did NOT want to try it on, or come out from behind the dressing screen.

With four hours to go, Tim comes in for the walk-about. He starts with Jerell. He loves it. It’s a beautiful silhouette, but Tim isn’t sure about the cobalt blue fake fur that Jerell intends to make into a mini vest. Of Leanne’s C&W, he says that it might be too subtle, and tells her to watch the proportions. Leanne takes his advice, and turns a purple trapeze blouse into a sleeveless classic cowboy shirt. Korto’s punk look for Suede is deemed to stereotypical. Tim tells Korto to push it more. He tells Suede the same thing: rock and roll should be over the top, and he needs to ramp up the visuals. I love the fabric that Suede chose for the shirt. It is very much Jerell, a sort of muted purple and brown tie-dyed charmeuse. Kenley sneers at Tim that her designs of a micro leather jacket and high-waisted jeans are totally hip-hop, and that when he thinks oversized, he’s thinking 80s hip-hop. She omits making a big “L” sign on her forehead, but the tone implies it. Tim tells her to remove the sarcasm, and that although she might think he’s being “snarky” (Yes, our Miss Gunn used the word snarky), he is merely attempting to give her advice and direction, which she would do well to take (if she weren’t an insufferable know-it-all bitch). OK, he didn’t say the last part out loud. But I heard it clear as a bell, especially when Kenley interviews that (and I quote) “What does Tim know about hip-hop, anyway?”

With one hour left to sew, Leanne tries on her hip-hop jeans. They are awful. The crotch does not, by any stretch of anyone’s imagination, fit. Kenley says that she’s thinking Alicia Keys. Even your reviewer here, the impossibly white Miz Shoes is aware that Miss Keys is not hip-hop. She is R&B, and Soul, and hot beyond all sensibility, but she is not hip-hop. Korto and Jerell try to tell Kenley that Alicia Keys is R&B, and she tells them that they are wrong. I bet she wouldn’t have told Terri she was wrong if Terri tried to tell her who was or was not hip-hop.

Korto is frantically bleaching Suede’s jeans. Seude’s getting nervous. Jerell admits that he did think about sabotaging Suede… it IS a competition, y’all. Kenley makes her weekly prognostication: “I’m confident. I LOVE my outfit. It’s the bestest. I’m going to win! I’m not changing anything ever, ever, ever for Tim “what-the-hell-can-he-tell-me” Gunn!” Speaking of which, her jeans still fit Leanne like crap. Jerell and Korto are watching as Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong digs her own grave, styling Leanne with ever more inappropriate items. This is hip-hop, right? she asks. Oh, yeah, say Korto and Jerell, and roll their eyes. It’s the finest moment yet, this season.

Suede isn’t happy with his neon extensions. Kenley looks, in her own words, like Brittney Spears-The Good Years. She does, actually.  It’s sort of scary, in fact, how much she does resemble our favorite train wreck. Once more, Kenley announces that she totally nailed the hip-hop look for Leanne and she is going to win. Or, maybe not, because it turns out that no less a hip-hop royalty than LL Cool J is the guest judge tonight. This, the RLA and the Number Three Surrogate Daughter agree, is going to be good.

Korto comes out and is country. Kenley Spears is flawless as a pop star. Leanne comes out and is embarrassed to be there. Kenley voices over that she’s furious with Leanne, because Leanne is NOT SELLING IT. (Because it sucks, sweetheart.) Suede works the runway. Who knew? He’s throwing devil horns and sticking out his tongue, and slouching all over. The distressed jeans fit beautifully, even though Suede does not have a model’s willowiness. Jerell, who does, gives us the most lack-luster walk of the evening. Jerell used to be a model, remember? Well his catwalk is a textbook example of how not to do it. But the outfit Suede made for him fits like a glove. Is this Jerell’s sabotage, after all?

Korto explains her look: punk, metallic denim that she bleached. LL says that this is right on the money. NinaGarcia says that Suede looks like Marilyn Manson, and that the pants fit well. Korto can tailor, that is a certainty.

Suede designed a rock and roll look for Jerell. Jerell says that his idea of rock and roll is Aerosmith. While the judges love the vest, they agree that subtle doesn’t work for the stage. LL says that you want to keep the audience interested and surprised throughout the entire show. And I agree, but idiot little rocker girl that I am, I thought that the best shows were the ones where it was the music, not the costumes that did that. Take for example, Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band (Bruce turned 59 earlier this week. Happy birthday, Bruce). The Boss and the entire band dress in black. Oh, maybe Little Steven will have on a dark purple paisley gypsy shirt, but by and large, the guys (and Patti and Suze) wear black. Black jeans, black shirts, black vests. They are almost invisible on the stage, and what hits you is the power and the glory of their music. Even that fop Tom Petty wears a pair of jeans under that plum velvet blazer. Rock and roll is about the music, LL. Unless, you know, you suck and only have theatrics to prop up the show, like KISS. But I digress. Heidi makes the astute assessment that Jerell looks like Jerell, and not a rock star. True dat. But everything fits.

Jerell has made a pop tart out of Kenley. Kenley is clearly uncomfortable in her little fishnet mini with the built-in rhinestone bra. But she looks totally pop. Sexy, not vulgar, exposed but not naked. Michael Kors loves it. And everybody sees that Kenley looks just like Brittney Spears. There is something so delicious about this. Almost as delicious as what comes next: Kenley defends her hip-hop look. I made a classy, expensive hip-hop outfit she announces. After a moment of stunned silence, Heidi says “Those are the worst pants I have ever seen.” Someone utters the dreaded “mom jeans”. Kenley looks to LL for expiation, and pleads, this is hip-hop, isn’t it? And LL Cool J says, flatly: NO. Sweet.

Leanne has gone for a vintage Dolly Parton with a modern sensibility. Or something like that. NinaGarcia says that the country look needed more glamor. Michael thinks that it looks like Korto is going out for a plate of ribs. ? Heidi says that the skirt fits like a glove, and LL leers appreciatively at the junk in Korto’s trunk.

The judges have their final confab and agree that Jerell nailed the pop look, as did Korto and the punk. It felt authentic, according to LL. Kenley’s outfit looked like a bad mall purchase, and Suede’s rock and roll was a grocery store run. Leanne made something good, but too quiet. So. Does Jerell go for three? Nope. Korto finally gets a win (although I think she should have won for any of a number of other challenges, and not this one). Jerell has his third win stolen, but gets a pat on the head for doing well. Leanne is safe. Kenley and Suede are the bottom two. Kenley is told that she had no glamor, no bravado and missed hip-hop completely. Delusional bitch. Suede played it safe, and that is the one thing that rock and roll is not. Suede is out. Suede delivers his final monologue in the third person, and finger guns it that “Madonna, I’m ready to dress you up in Suede.” With that groaner, we cut to previews where we see Kenley sneer at Heidi. I’m thinking that isn’t going to go over well at all.

A moment of silence for Paul Newman, please. A fine actor, a fine human being and a fine looking man. I got to see him race once at Limerock. He was a fine driver, too.

In other news, it seems like Senator Obama actually read the Rude Pundit’s play book regarding the first debate. At one point, I even high-fived the RLA for the way Obama made McCain get a little squirmy.

Finally, regarding America’s Next Top Model: with the departure of Isis, the show has lost all appeal for me. Sorry, gentle readers, but there will be no further Miz Shoes Reviews of that show. You’ll have to get your laughs from Potes on Television Without Pity, instead.

We start our week with confessionals: Brittney is sad because she is just too damned pretty, and not high fashion. This is a trial for her, because she hates it when people call her pretty, and they do, all the damned time. Analeigh thinks that she needs more personality. This may be true, because I didn’t know who the hell was whining.

And then, just like in a fairy tale, Tyra appears in the living room of the hamster house. She has ordered pizza (which looks to be very old and very cold) and there are goodie bags and plastic tiaras all around, which is exactly the sort of party every gang of women over the age of, oh, say, six wants. Needless to say, TyTy has a giant tiara, and it’s probably real. The hamsters have little baby princess tiaras. Tyra tells the girls how when she started to grow booty, her mama ordered pizza and refused to let her starve herself skinny. Instead, they reinvented her career from runway to cheesecake Victoria’s Secret model.

What follows is an embarrassment to everyone involved: hamsters, the Two Jays, Tyra, the camera crew and editors, and us, the poor viewing public. I refuse to acknowledge the scene. Suffice to say that Number Three Surrogate Daughter and I marked the calendar as the Day ANTM Officially Jumped the Shark. Hell, they didn’t just jump it, they beat it to death.

The next day, the girls go to the salon to find out what Tyra’s vision has decreed for their new looks. It has to be a surprise for all involved, so the mirrors are covered. Marjorie loses her Agnyes Deyn and goes chestnut brown. She’s still cute. Joslyn gets a wavy weave. Elina gets the Ruh-Roh edit as she confessionalizes that she is very careful about her image. Drab, uber-serious animal liberation activists are Serious like that. Samantha gets a short blonde boy-cut. Hannah gets straight bangs and a bob. She’s no Anna Wintour. Clark gets dark brown hair and LaurenBrie goes blonder. Sheena gets highlights like Tyra. Analeigh gets blonde layers. Elina says that she doesn’t want any sort of drastic changes. Ruh-roh. Foreshadowing, thy name is ANTM. Elina says she’s skerred, and Miss Jay says she should be. Then he tries to comfort her by telling her that the Weave Master of the known universe is here to work on her head, and says that this is the Most Dramatic Makeover Ever in Top Model History. It’s a giant red Bozo weave, and it looks a lot like Brittney-Who-Had-Brain-Damage. Remember her? She lost it on go-sees and cursed like a longshoreman?

M’Key gets an awesome short, black do. Isis gets long Cher hair. Brittney, who is just too catalog, gets a heavy, wavy black weave. She cries to Miss Jay that she hates being too pretty. He tells her to try harder. Yeah. See, people who don’t get called “pretty” day in and day out, we don’t have sympathy for the hard life of those who do. Go cry on someone else, bitch.

The hamsters arrive home, only to discover Tyra mail, telling them that they’re going to have to work the night shift. At Wal-Mart. They are met by Big Whitney’s Cover Girl display, Sutan and Mrs. Nigel Barker. Mrs Nigel is on hand to give them instructions: they’ll have to ad-lib a 30 second commercial for Cover Girl right after they do their own make up. The commercials range from merely mediocre to dismal. Hannah wins, inexplicably. For her troubles, she’ll get a $1 thousand dollar gift card for Wal-Mart (you can get rifles and plaid flannel there) and have her ad on the Wal-Mart web site.

Back to the Hamster House, where Tyra Mail asks “Who’s suited to be America’s Next Top Model.” There is debate as to whether this means swim suits or business suits. Nobody asks about the possibility of birthday suits. We then cut to Elina talking to Brittney and Joslyn about how much she hates her mother, because she was a bad mother. Brittney asks Elina where she lives. With her mother. Who feed you? My mother. Brittney rightly calls Elina an ungrateful little bitch, and we head to another Big Whitney commercial.

When we return, Analeigh is having a hard time posing in front of a mirror. The other girls try to help her. I think typing those two sentences just lowered my I.Q. In any event, the girls are hauled off in the bio-bus to a huge beach house in Malibu. It looks like it will be the swimsuit edition. Russel James (who shot Tyra’s famous Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover) will be shooting. “Supermodel” Susan Holmes (I never heard of her) is also a super swimsuit designer, and it’s her suits the girls will be in. Mr. Jay leaves the hamsters in the capable hands of Russel and Susan, who will art direct this shoot.

Analeigh can’t pose any better in the water than she can in front of the mirror. Hannah has crazy eyes. Brittney is stressing over being pretty and shows no range. Samantha is beautiful. Elina is gorgeous, and not your typical swimsuit model. (Partly because of all of her tats, I guess) Marjorie is flawless, and Isis is difficult to shoot. All too soon we are back at the Casa De Marmotas where Analeigh is nervous about the morrow’s judging.

In the judging room, Susan Holmes is the guest judge. Tyra imparts this wisdom to the little model-ettes: You must master the swimsuit. Meh, it’s no “short, shiny and tight is the fastest way to look cheap”, but then Tyra is no NinaGarcia.

Sheena tells the judges that she was “smiling with her eyes.” This means that she’s watched an episode or two. Analeigh’s arms are scary. Clark has a skinny mouth, and needs to remember to keep them soft. Hannah is European sexy, to Nigel, but she only has one pose. Tyra thinks Lauren Brie looks like CariDee. But without the dread heartbreak of psoriasis. Brittney is absent in her photos and M’Key looks like Linda Evangalista. Hot!! Isis gets mixed reviews, Marjorie didn’t do enough, and Samantha was pretty good. Elina gets all sorts of raves, and Paulina tells her that body tats are bad for modeling, but then the photo they choose for her is just a head shot. Which is bullshit, because everyone else is being judged on a full-body pose.

The girls are dismissed and the judges rip them up: Sheena was too soft (which I guess is an improvement over too hoochie). Analeigh is too dull. Clark is not photogenic, and she’s a bitch. Lauren Brie photographs well. Brittney is just pretty, and not a model. Samantha is loved by the judges and the cameras. Hannah needs to get messy. Isis is stuck. M’Key is amazing. As they debate the pros and cons of the hamsters, I realize that Susan Holmes looks like the illegitimate love child of Janice Dickenson’s second face and Hillary Swank. That’s a lot of jawline, is all I’m saying.

And Elina gets the first photo. See? Bullshit. There’s no bathing suit anywhere in the shot: it’s all face. Photos are handed out to the rest of the girls in order: Lauren Brie, Samantha, M’Key, Sheena, Joslyn, Majorie (who is no longer getting the cheesy accordian music, at least), Clark, Isis and Hannah.

Analeigh and Brittney are left waiting for the other spike heel to drop. Brittney is pretty, but she just doesn’t photograph well. Analeigh used to be a figure skater, and so should know how to pose, (I don’t know, I thought figure skaters moved, but what the heck do I know) but is sort of blah. Who goes? Who do you think? The pretty girl, who is still whining about being pretty as she leaves the Casa des Marmotas.

Next week? The cat walk. Let’s see who’s never had on a pair of heels before. My money is on Hannah. I bet Isis can work it.