Today is a but first day. You know, you have things to do that you want to do, but first, you have to do something else.

This is what I want to do: spin up these batts that I made last week when FiberNinja came to play.

But first, I have to make my way through this mess; sorting, storing, tossing and filing so that there is enough room to pull out the spinning wheel. Sigh.

And I also have to visit my mummy. And in the afternoon, I have an appointment to get my hair cut. I think I may have found someone who understands me when I say I need Roger Daltrey at the Isle of Wight. Oh, just Google it.

Bile green LA morning: Althea and Irina are no longer speaking. Irina is a smug bitch. Christopher is the last boy standing and says it’s strange. Agreed. Gordana wants to represent. This is the last challenge. Tim is going to take them to an iconic place with priceless views. More green smog. The Getty Museum. The mayor of LA claims that LA is the creative capitol of America. Miz Shoes weeps for the death of creativity. Thirty minute tour. Sketching. Mood. Models as assistant muses. Althea is inspired by the architecture of the museum itself. Carol Hannah is overcome by the French decorative arts and what appears to be Marie Antoinette’s bed. It is a turquoise and gold brocaded rococo confection with swoops and swags and ostrich feathers. Irina is seduced by a faux-Orientalist semi-Pre-Raphaelite women languidly lolling around in diaphanous togas. Gordana weeps at the sight of one of Monet’s cathedrals in dawn light. And Christopher. Ah, weeping, prayer-handed emo boy is overcome by the beauty of algae on rocks in an outdoor fountain. Oh, Christopher, you are so edgy…not.

Mood. Irina finds a sheared goat pelt. Christopher finds acid green. Carol Hannah is panicking. So far, so much of the same as every other episode this season. To the workroom, where Irina is a bitch and talks smack about the other designers, Carol Hannah fumbles around and Christopher continues to be a tool. Gordana says it would be sooooo disappointing to make it this far and not go to Bryant Park. Six seasons of watching, and the dismal reality of this season, lets us know that is a sure sign that Gordana will NOT be going to Bryant Park. Thank you blatant foreshadowing.

Irina is a bitch, who is now Gordana’s pal, having burned Althea. Carol Hannah is now Christopher’s pal, since Logan is gone and forgotten. Tim comes in for his walkabout, and tells Carol Hannah to lose the diagonal swash across the bust, Irina to lose the goat fur road kill and warns Althea about the puckering on her strippy, cross hatched piecing. (Which is exactly the same as her Bob Mackie challenge dress.) Tim loves Gordana’s dress and the clear inspiration of the Monet. She’s dead.

Christopher displays his only self-awareness this entire season when he confessionalizes that he knows that he’s being portrayed as the wacky kid who never listens to Tim. The designers all talk shit about the others. Everything looks pretty lousy. Morning. Workroom. Stress. Back-biting. Christopher says his dress is dirty and pretty and he’s sure that the judges will finally see his vision. Irina is a bitch about Christopher. Althea’s a bitch about Gordana. Irina is a bitch about Althea. It’s a circle jerk of bitchiness.

Tim gives the last pep talk. Make NinaGarcia’s stilettos blow off her feet and shoot across the room. Yeah, says Miz Shoes from her couch, good luck with that. Heidi tells the designers this is a double elimination. The judges are NinaGarcia, Cynthia Rowley (Miz Shoes loves Cynthia Rowley) and Cindy Crawford. Ho-fucking-hum. Time to see what these guys have managed to produce.

Althea has a sandstone colored dress with a sheer top over a very puckered skirt. Carol Hannah has made a pretty gold gown with some fabric braiding on one shoulder. Christopher has a grey and green sheer drawstring-necked top (Vampire Bride), with a grey corset (paper challenge) and a straight skirt with some really horrible finger painting.

Gordana’s dress is a simple sheath with layers of colors that are evocotive of both her inspiration and a vagina. Irina’s model has a terrible, terrible horse-stomp walk and a floppy green dress that looks like a 1980s disco fever dream. Her model is styled like the muse in that rollerskating movie…Xanadu.

Althea’s dress has an underworked top and an overworked skirt. Heidi calls it a mess fest. NinaGarcia tells Irina that she has styled her goddess gown like an old lady. The length is wrong. The styling is wrong. The shoes are awful. Gordana’s silk organza is beautifully made. Heidi can see the connection to the painting. The judges finally decide that the zipper is badly sewn. Carol Hannah and her French decorative arts: Cynthia Rowley loves the fit, Cindy Crawford doesn’t see the connection. NinaGarcia calls it perfect and safe.

And then there is Christopher. He cries that he IS a rock with algae. Thanks for sharing. Get off the runway. The usual question of why should you go and who should go with you results in predictable answers: Because I WANT it so bad. Because I’ve never been in the bottom three. Because I make beautiful clothes that women want to wear. Because I’m an immigrant with American dreams (that from Irina, by the way).

More filler of the judges pretending to make a “tough” decision. Irina is in. Carol Hannah is in. Althea is in. Gordana and Christopher go home. And that’s a wrap. Miz Shoes is so over this season, that she isn’t even committed to watching the finale. Will the bitch win? Or the little blonde or the big blonde?

Finally, Miz Shoes would like to show Christopher what you do with grey and algae green that looks like water sparkling over rocks.

In case you don’t recognize the detail, that’s Laura Bennett’s amazing grey and acid green gown from season 3. Compare and contrast and learn.

This is the big day, and I have spent the morning culling photos and scanning. I bring you a Shoes Family Halloweens Through the Years. First up is Grandma Shoes On My Mother’s Side. Here we see her modeling a grass skirt, circa WWII, some sailor brought them home for my mom and her mom. Under the coconut trees on Grandma’s front yard (the side facing the river). Check out the coy little ankle.

And then Mummy, probably the same year she dressed me in the gypsy costume. Taken at Seymour’s Inn Halloween Dance, Jensen Beach in the early 1950s. She was something fierce, my mummy.

The fun couple that was my Mummy and Daddy: all taken at Seymour’s. I wish we had a Seymour’s today. A classic road house: a bar and very casual family dining at the foot of a popular fishing bridge, across the river from a popular public beach.

Artist and Majorette

Peter (of Peter and the Wolf, with his popgun) and Mary Mary Quite Contrary.

Little Lord Fauntleroy and Little Bo-Peep

Miz Shoes in Peacock Drag (it was the night that the RLA first told me he loved me)

And Miz Shoes as a wood nymph, loosely interpreted.

Bilious green L.A. Logan and Christopher swap clichés about stepping up game, being on the bottom, getting out of their comfort zones, and Christopher whines that nobody understands him. Over in the female dorm room, they are gloating about how many women are left. Althea and Carol Hannah blow smoke about who will be in Bryant park and comfort zones and something else or another.

The designers are facing away from the runway, listening to rustling noises and getting worried. This is what passes for drama these days, one supposes. When they turn around, Heidi is standing in the middle of a row of dress forms, each of which is wearing one of the remaining designer’s winning garment. In the case of Logan, who has never won a challenge, this is something long and two shades of grey and I have no idea which challenge it was from nor any memory of seeing it. That’s pretty damning for a show about creativity.  In the case of Irina (who has won more challenges than any one else this season and who won’t shut up about it as though this were a season where winning a challenge meant slightly more than squat), this means her giant pile of brown knits that won last week.

The challenge is to make a second look that goes with your winning garment. As usual, there is too little money for decent supplies and too little time for anything of quality or interest to come from this group. In other words, this is another one-day,  make something pretty challenge.

Althea focuses on the paper-bag waist on her original design, which I DO remember seeing, because the model’s boobs were flying around and the short skirt looked like a giant black diaper because it had a paper-bag waist and a bubble hem which combined for something quite unfortunate in shape. Irina, predictably gloats about her Aspen look being the basis of a collection. Gordana has the grey sort of mummy wrap dress from the divorcé challenge. Christopher has his pixie prom dress and decides that it needs to have a matching gown. Logan buys lots and lots of zippers at Mood, claiming that his look had a zipper detail on it somewhere. Christopher finds and buys 30 yards of something shiny and silver. Or white. Irina is making a dress that starts out as a work look and ends up a cocktail dress, which isn’t necessarily a contradiction in terms.

Carol Hannah is panicking and gets a Pep Talk From Tim ^TM that inspires her to stay in her comfort zone and make a pretty dress.  Workroom. Irina is cutting the pattern apart on her upholstery fabric to make a brocade. Althea is making trousers that are tight from ankle to knee and then full until pulled in on the high, paper-bag waist. In black, and there is a certain Princess PuffySleeves look about the silhouette.

Montage of designers includes Gordana’s back story: child of Bosnian-Serb farmers. Those of us old enough to remember remember that would have been a shitty place to be 20-some years ago. Logan is a straight gear-head from Idaho. Carol Hannah dithers and wanders off for coffee. Trash talking. Is it time for the runway yet? Tim’s Walk-About ^TM. Tim agrees with Carol Hannah that she does, in fact, have a scary mess. Tim loves Irina’s dress. Tim hates Christopher’s gown and says that it looks like the first dress’ dowdy, white-trash mama. Althea’s pants are scary. Logan is focusing on his color palette and zippers.

The zippers and the collar Logan is making. Irina and Althea make a big whispering mean-girls stink about Logan being a cheat and an idea thief. Then Irina turns on Althea and talks about her behind her back in the same terms, with a side of ridicule thrown in for not even seeing that she’s just the same a Logan. Rinse and repeat this scenario several more times randomly through the remainder of this review, and you will have the entire episode. Your humble narrator will now skip ahead to the runway and the judging.

Logan puts on his magic silver pants for good luck. Good lord, but that boy is bow-legged. Is he also a barrel racer? Heidi comes out in something so fucking hideous that she must have lost a bet or let her daughter pick things at random from the closet. She is wearing silver leather Burmuda shorts, a ruffled, flowery chiffon blouse in a hot pink print, and a black waiter’s jacket. I am frightened. Our judges tonight are NinaGarcia, Uncle Nick from Season 2 and Kerry Washington whose Wikipedia page tells me is an American actress who has been in movies I’ve seen. And I saw Logan’s dress, too, but same amount of memory has been expended in both instances, which is to say, exactly none.

Carol Hannah’s cute dress is cute. Althea has made a strappy-backed white tank to go with the scary pants, and a giant grey fuzzy knit wrap-bolero-thing is thrown over that. Logan has made a nice top with all those zippers, and a skirt that looks like a goth brothel lampshade. I know I used that phrase before, but this is the boudoir lamp, and the other one was from the public space. Irina has made a huge cocoon wrap out of that brown sweater knit and tossed it over her cocktail sheath. There is some very weird shit happening on the hip and hem, and nobody says a word about it. Gordana has made a sort of deconstructed jacket with tons of detailing at the waist to create the fit. It’s very interesting and I can see the same woman who would wear the grey mummy wrap in this.

Christopher is doused with ice water, verbally: proportions off, parade float, bedskirt, totally unrelated pieces. Irina: up-town chic, Kerry would call for it after seeing it on a runway, and NinaGarcia is aware that the empress has no clothes, but the other judges have drunk the kool-aid. Gordana is kicked in the teeth, verbally: old, drab, sad, Soviet-era dreariness, dated, office worker in Poland. Carol Hannah is delicious and Logan is a self indulgent student.  Judy Jetson, Nick calls it. Althea’s suit gets the love.

Moment of under-bus-throwing between Althea and Irina (see note above).  Deliberating. And Carol Hannah and her cute little dress are in. Althea is the winner and she better keep one eye open tonight when she sleeps (coughIrinacough). Christopher, for reasons unknown to all intelligent life in this galaxy is in. Logan and Gordana get a final reaming from the judges and then the magic is spent from Logan’s silver pants and he goes home. Gordana gets to stay and suffer under Heidi’s obvious hatred for another episode.

See, when I was young and in summer camp, I had a friend whose brother had (accidentally, he said) broken her nose. She was allowed to take the bandages off to go to camp, but she had to spend like ten minutes out of every hour pressing her deviated septum together. She’d forget, and then spend an hour with her fingers clamped on her nose, and say she was catching up on it, which became, when overheard by someone unfamiliar with the state of affairs, ketchup. So to this day, when I am behind, I think of the ketchup on it. So this is my Project Runway Ketchup On It.

Episode Nine

Christopher HAS to make it to Fashion Week, and Shirin deserves to be here. Carol Hannah thinks that she can win by staying in the middle of the pack.

The challenge is to meet the “Sultan of Sequins”, Mr. Bob Mackie, review his retrospective and produce an extravagant stage costume in his style. He remind the fashion hamsters that this isn’t fashion, it’s costume. It’s Glamor. It’s for Christina Aguilera (and Miz Shoes couldn’t pick her out of a line up, let’s be up front about that now. I only know of her from her frequent appearance on the pages of Go Fug Yourself).

Needless to say, Miss Nicolas is absolutely famischt at being in proximity to Bob Mackie, and has to fan herself. The hamsters have half an hour to sketch, $300 and half an hour at Mood and a gracious two days to work. There are the usual clichés about inspiration and icons and the usual running around Mood with no clue. Evil Twin Irina trash talks everyone. Christopher is going back to punk (ho-fucking hum to that). Carol Hannah is clueless. Logan admits that he doesn’t follow Xtina, which is to say, he has no idea who she is, but he hopes she likes fur. Nicolas is twitterpated. Gordana is disgusted with her fabric, which is shedding beads like a cat sheds fur at the veterinarian and cursing that she’s going to have to rely on her immunity, which, thank the lord, she has.

Day Two

Gordana starts over. Shirin decides that 1940s Hollywood glamor is the way to go. (Miz Shoes says, or not. Can you say done to fucking death this season?) Carol Hannah talks trash about Shirin. Tim comes for his walkabout.

Christopher, you think you have a big reveal, but both pieces look like cheap trash from the 90s. Althea, you are also doing something black, boring and with no wow to the reveal. Good lord, Gordana, that looks matronly. Are you insane? Nicolas, have you dragged your winning snow queen out for inspiration? No? This is new? Oh, are you sooooo lucky that Michael and NinaGarcia haven’t been here to see this particular trick pony before, because they would nail your ass to the wall for do overs. Carry on. Carol Hannah? This could be sexy. Maybe. Skip the reveall. Shirin, you have made a mash up of Guinevere and Vampira, it looks like bad student work and I hate it.

Evil Twin Irina talks trash. Shirin freaks out. Carol Hannah and Logan “flirt”. If you want to call it that.

Runway Day

Shirin continues to freak, Nicolas continues to twitterpate. Althea is confident and Evil Irina is a bitch. So far, everyone is sticking to the script. Carol Hannah is worried about all the raven wings she’s sewing on her dress. Nicolas says that Irina is a really good designer whose only problem is being a bitch. Fair enough. Christopher has made a bustier and sparkle panties. It’s worse than it sounds.

Our judges today are Bob Mackie, NinaGarcia and Xtina A.

Althea has made a silver dress with a black bolero and a long train. Logan has made a mini dress of black and silvergreen sequined zebra print. It has a black monkey fur ruff and a pathetic trio of little chains across the back. Thin chains. Shirin has made something long, shaggy and it looks like something Stevie Nicks would wear prior to rehab. Christopher’s model whips off the black mini dress to reveal a black bustier and striped, sequined, badly made boy shorts. Nicolas has made a silver and white (of course) mini dress with feathers and sequins and it actually does look like something Bob Mackie might sneeze out after a day in the sequins and feathers.Gordana’s dress is still awful. Irina has made a bulky jacket over mini-lingerie and Carol Hannah’s black dress has all sorts of black feathers and textures and some of it’s shiny and some of it’s matte.

Irina is sent away, safe. Gordana is told to be very grateful for her immunity and also sent away.

Xtina says she could see herself wearing Carol Hannah’s black thing. NinaGarcia calls it glamorous and Mackie loves all the different textures. Heidi calls it wow.

Shirin is told her dress looks like an upscale Halloween witch. Xtina points out that she couldn’t actually move in it. Althea worked the back side of the sequin fabric against the front to create her own matte and shiny stuff. It’s nicely made. Christopher can’t keep his trap shut and yaps about channeling Cyndi Lauper and NinaGarcia tells him that he’s made a cheap knockoff of Xtina’s Lady Marmalade costume, and Bob Mackie says it’s so trashy he wouldn’t put the corset on the back row of chorus girls.

Nicolas wins accolades from all of the judges, Heidi loves the short tight and shiny, Xtina says that she could shake it up in that little number and Bob Mackie calls it a great stage piece. Nicolas can die and go to heaven. Logan wanted to do something Xtina had never done before and so he lined his little Wilma Flintstone dress with hot pink, which can’t be seen. The judges rightly point out that he should have taken bigger chances and really played with the magenta against the Victorian collar and sequined zebra skin.

So. The judges deliberate a little more with Xtina talking about shaking her hips, and Bob Mackie calling Christopher’s outfit a sad little costume from a road company tribute band of the Pussy Cat Dolls. Logan’s dress was too short to be long and too long to be short and Mackie says something about putting a diamond on the crotch and you’re golden.

Althea is in. Carol Hannah and her dress of bird wings wins. Nicolas is in. Logan is in. Shirin and Christopher are lectured about doing cheap knockoff of cheap costumes and BORING Nina, and for reasons that nobody will ever know or understand, whiny Shirin gets sent home and Mr. One-note Christopher stays. Boo. Hiss. Boring. Next week we are promised both Michael Kors and NinaGarcia in the judges seats, so maybe there’s hope for this season yet.

Episode Ten

There is the usual blahblahblah about who’s gone and who’s in it to win it. Heidi tells the seven remaining designers that Tim is taking them on a road trip to Rodeo Drive, to the store of a world-renowned designer…who turns out to be Michael Kors, seemingly doing a guest appearance on his own freaking show. Quality, taste and style are his signature elements, and today he’s going to treat the designers to a slide show of some of his favorite places and inspirations, and they are going to have to try and find some of that same inspiration.

Carol Hannah picks Palm Beach, Nicolas opts for the Greek Islands, Althea goes for a St. Tropez tan, Gordana grabs New York City (it’s grey, a-freaking-gain), Evil Twin Irina jumps on Aspen for the fur and outerwear possibilities, Christopher accepts Santa Fe and Logan gets stuck with Hollywood. Thirty minutes to design, $150 at Mood and one day to crank out American Sportswear.

We hear what the designers imagine their locals to be: Palm Beach is relaxed, but put together. (HAHAHAHAHHAHA. No, it’s bad plastic surgery and too-bright colors) St. Tropez is seen as an old fishing town that just happens to be full of rich people on yachts, and Gordana says that New York is Park Avenue, sophisticated and independent. Logan is, as usual, lost. Evil Twin Irina is complaining that $150 is not enough money to buy fabric for a winter look. Miz Shoes would remind ETI that Aspen is also famous for its summer music festival and art show and oh, why bother.

Logan buys leather and is going to make a boho look with comfy, but skin tight jeans. Nicolas has fantasies of a tomboy in Greece. Carol Hannah doesn’t have enough fabric. Irina trash talks the other designers. Give it a rest. Nicolas is working on his details so as not to be on the bottom. Irina is making a faux fur vest and a sweater with a giant cowl neck. Miz Shoes would remind Irina that Mork and Mindy lived in Boulder, not Aspen and that Mindy’s sweaters were cute in the early 80s, but only barely. Gordana is working in grey. Althea did her whole piece in muslin first to make sure of the fit. It’s man-tailoring for women. Isn’t she always doing that? Over it.

Irina trash talks Christopher, who is making some Mary of the Prairie turquoise and brown chiffon thing with a big belt. Carol Hannah has done a halter top, flowy patterned maxi dress that looks like the fabric that Epperson used in the beach challenge. Nicolas says he’s designing for a fashion-forward young woman, but Tim is doubtful. Logan is designing for “young Hollywood” with a big top over his tight jeans. Irina’s done ski pants with a sweater with bat-wing sleeves and an enormous cowl neck. Tim tells her to watch her proportions. More trash talking on all sides. Nicolas doesn’t want to go home. Althea is smelling Bryant Park. That may just be the stale water in the steamer.

Runway Day

Carol Hannah isn’t feeling her dress. Nicolas had a freak out last night, but he’s feeling better now. Althea is confident. Logan is making last minute adjustments. Irina is trash talking the other designers. Christopher has made his Mary on the Prairie into a mini dress and thinks that solves his problems. It doesn’t. Gordana has made a dress to go with her ornate necklace of crystals and frayed chiffon. It is a simple little A-line with some squiggles of applique to create shape and interest where there is really none.

Our judges today are Michael Kors, NinaGarcia and Milla Jojovich, who actually has some really great stuff in her clothing line.

Logan sends out his tight white leather jeans with black suspenders. Althea has made burnished gold metallic leather shorts and a sheer top over a tank, Nicolas has made some interesting pants and a wrap top in jersey that evokes the sails of the windmills on the Greek Islands. To Miz Shoes, but apparently to nobody else on the planet. Carol Hannah’s halter dress is boring. Christopher is extremely proud of his nothing dress. Irinia has made snow-bunny clothes. The sweater is revealed to have a stupid vee-shaped cutout for no reason in the back. Gordana’s grey dress is pretty and the necklace is cool.

Althea leaves, safe in her mediocrity. Michael Kors loves the Irina does Aspen thing and says it isn’t a too literal interpretation of the 1980s. Christopher claims to be inspired by the colors of Santa Fe and is immediately taken to task for using washed out colors and no taste. Milla says she likes the 1983 vibe she gets from the belt. The judges go wild for Carol Hannah’s print. Milla says she’d live in the dress. Miz Shoes says that she already does, but that it’s made out of polyester jersey and she bought it early in the summer at Marshall’s for like, twenty bucks. Nicolas is told his inspiration is not Greece, but Grease. Milla points out that the top is cool, and if he’d made it into a dress, he could be a winner. Gordana’s necklace is loved, as is her little grey dress. Yes, it is very New York. Logan’s Hollywood is declared Hollywouldn’t, and NinaGarcia tells him that his styling is all wrong. Michael Kors says: They’re clothes, not fashion.

Irina’s pieces had, says MK, runway power, but too much brown. Gordana hit the right tone for up-town Park Avenue, but she personally lacks confidence. Carol Hannah totally looks like Palm Beach. Christopher’s dress is sad and unwearable. Nicolas’ idea could have been great, but it wasn’t. Logan’s outfit is summed up as belonging on Project I Didn’t Mind It.

Carol Hannah is in. Irina is the winner, and no doubt will be even more insufferable next week. Gordana is in and given a lecture about confidence. Logan is in. Christopher and Nicolas are forced to hear that they missed the mark and had no sense of place. Nicolas is aufsie daisy and Christopher gets

to stay. Milla cries and says that she doesn’t know how Michael and Heidi do it every week. Michael just smirks, and you know that the auffing is their favorite part of the show.

Next week? More boring shit, more nastiness from Irina and more clueless, talentless crap from Christopher.

Entry two for the Great Halloween Tweet

My parents loved Halloween, too. I remember them dressing up and going to some dinner dance every year, and working on their costumes. My father dressed as Little Lord Fauntleroy and my mother as Little Bo-Peep one year and I still have parts of Mummy’s costume. This picture is from long before I was born, and it hung over my father’s desk in the back room of the store. It’s still one of my favorites. That’s Daddy in drag, and my Uncle Irving in the zoot suit.

Here is your humble narrator, age 2. She is dressed (by her mother) for Halloween. Note the skirt. My mother was very fond, in later years, of showing it to anyone who would hold still long enough. It was all of 12 inches long, and my mother never ceased to marvel at how it came to my ankles. I was such a tiny, tiny child.

Anyway, except for the scuffed mary janes, my wardrobe is today, some 50 (very) odd years later, almost identical. I still wear too much jewelry, hangy-downy earrings and maxi skirts. Also, not so much with the do-rags. But basically, this is still me.

Happy Halloween.

Did you guys miss me? I missed you. All of you. Both of you. Terribly. I had no idea how much I am tied to the world by my laptop, my blog, my twitter feed, until my laptop died. Right after I posted my Project Runway recap two weeks ago, the hard drive in this machine went belly up.

I had to buy a new hard drive and bribe a Mac Genius with home made pie, but we were able to recover all my data and so here I am, and with SO MUCH to say.

First up, though, I must get the code set for RJ’s Great Halloween Tweet. I have a little something for you.

Miz Shoes is feeling a bit dyspeptic since this week’s Project Runway.

Previously, on Project Snoozefest, we saw an episode entitled “On the Blue Bore-you” where-in Irina is replaced by her evil twin and wins and Louise emotes blankly into oblivion.

But that was then and this is now, and we see bacon and Logan, and women applying make up. Something for everyone. Carol Hannah is sad because Louise is gone. Gordana came to America with nothing and now has everything. Evil Twin Irina gloats that she’s won twice and no longer trusts anyone, so no matter how nice they are to her face, no telling what they’re saying behind her back. In case you wondered, Logan interviews that now that Irina has won twice, she’s full of herself. Logan is not yet aware that this is the Evil Twin.  Christopher recognizes that he has to step up his game, and Miz Shoes takes her first shot in the “Drink to Cliches” game.

Heidi announces the challenge: New Models. Women who can still fit into their wedding dresses, who are now divorced or in the process of becoming so, and who are eager to have new design mistakes made from the ones they made when they bought them, however long ago. Mistakes of youth, Miz Shoes says, are quite excusable, especially in the areas of bad clothing and bad first husbands.

Irina gets the first pick and grabs the one with the absolute most yardage: something between a George Washington Milkmaid and a “Southern Belle”. There is mileage, not yardage, of shiny white lace. You know Nicolas was jealous. Epperson gets second and goes for a nicer fabric. Logan grabs something that reveals to be pulling a twelve-foot train. Nicolas, Carol Hannah (clouds of tulle), Gordana nabs the hippie (of course), Althea grabs the appliqués and Shirin is stuck with a short woman wearing a sleeveless, white column dress. There is nothing to work with and Shirin knows it and won’t shut up about her handicap for the rest of the episode, so forgive your author if she sums the general content of Shirin’s endless rants (“OMG! Like, LIFE is so not fair. I have 2 yards of polyester and a psycho client and no clue and no time and OMG!! Wahwahwahwahwah”) in all future references as Wah-Wah-Whaah.

Just to twist the knife, winner will get immunity…the last one of the season. And they have till midnight. It’s another one-day challenge. In come the gay divorcees. Gordana is planning on going punk. Well, we’ve moved to the late 70s. Shirin’s client wants to be a Half-Breed Cher Barbie with a peacock feather headdress. Again, Miz Shoes is inclined to forgive as, when she was 30 and had the chance to commission a mask from the then-president of New Orleans’ Maskmakers Guild, asked specifically for a crest of peacock feathers. And got them. Nicolas meets his

his client, who demands crunchy-granola, animal-crueltry-free fabrics only. At Mood, the final blow: they can buy only 2 yards of fabric total, and whatever findings, trims, thread, etc. they need.

Epperson is clearly dazed and confused, glassy-eyed, even. Logan grabs two yards of the widest tweed he can find, heedless of color, drape or quality. Shirin: Wah-Wah-Whaah. Carol Hannah says that she makes her living making wedding dresses and this is like cannibalism, cutting one apart. Evil Irina finds the concept of shredding the mistakes of the past quite empowering. Gordana dyes fabric (steel grey/blue/plum) in the lady’s room, in a Styrofoam cooler, then calls her kids, only to talk to the answering machine, and cry. Epperson thinks that the challenge is to use the least amount of wedding dress possible. Did Epperson take a blow to the head and we were not shown the footage? Shirin: Wah-Wah-Whaah

Tim’s walkabout begins with Christopher. Tim and Christopher agree that the client’s taste level is non-existent, her (apparent, but perhaps unfortunate genetics) plastic surgery bad, and that she is just asking to be dressed like a cliché cougar. Does that qualify for a second shot? Irina has managed to dye her poly into a sort of toast or strong tea color. Tim tells Epperson to use the damn wedding dress, fool. Logan is going back to his design well for a: wait for it: suit. Tim fears the sheer quantity of the trouser fabric. But, whines Logan, she didn’t want a dress.

Gordana’s doing a sort of mummy wrap dress, fitted to the body, a gorgeous shade of grey, and with all the visible seam edges frayed. Tim tells her that her mantra must be “I’m going to win.” Shirin: Wah-Wah-Whaah. Tim: Get it together. Throw away this mess and focus. Eyes on the prize. That woman isn’t going to be here next week, and if you listen to her, neither will you be. One last reminder to Epperson that the wedding dress had to be the core of the design, and our Mr. Gunn is gone.

Epperson comes to from his walking nightmare to discover that he never was asleep. This isn’t a dream, he screwed the pooch on this challenge and he’d better start over. Logan starts over, too. Shirin, inspired by Mr. Gunn, does the “As God as my witness” soliloquy from Gone With the Wind, followed by an encore of Wah-Wah-Whaah.

Enter the gay divorcees for their fittings. Nicolas is seen briefly showing off a beige vest that appears to be basketweave, or quilted stripping, or something pretty cool. Shirin’s client asks what she’s been up to all day that this is what there is to show for it. And we cut from must certainly devolve into a fist fight, to the next morning where the designers are preparing for runway day. Shirin: Wah-Wah-Whaah. Epperson is still walking around like zombies ate his brains, and yet his client is delighted with her dress and tells Epperson that he gets her style. Althea and Gordana also get the love from their clients. Christopher is doing something with sheer over a black body garment, cinching in the waist with a little bit of black lace. She looks like a lamp shade from a Goth brothel. As Nicolas’ little lady raves over his garment, Nicolas admits that the piece has become a travesty, but it is a travesty that makes his client happy and hopefully, won’t send him home.

The ModelsoftheRunway try to teach these women to stomp a catwalk. Not pretty. Backstage madness: Shirin’s dress’ zipper gets stuck. Wah-Wah-Whaah.Logan is ready to cry because even he can tell that his suit is a disaster of Ishtar proportions. Evil Twin Irina talks trash about everyone else.

Heidi intros the judges: Michael Kors, Z-named Marie Claire person, Tamara Mellon (founder of Jimmy Choo). Irina’s dress is a kimono, and it has dyed up very pretty. Shirin’s dress is short, fitted, and has a surface pattern made of machine embroidery in black thread. It’s nice enough. Logan’s pant suit is awful. Carol Hannah has made something strapless that looks flapper-ish, with the sort of self-fabric flappy fringing that whatever his name was from that other, entertaining season loved to attempt and fail. Althea has made blue. I guess she was still thinking about last week. This was not a do-over. There is a lot of princess seaming showing. Nicolas has made olive green pants to go with that vest. By the time he added all the wickety wack on top of the basic shape, you can no longer see what had looked to have such promise.

Gordana’s mummy wrap is great, even paired with black hooker boots, which is how Gordana styled her. You can take the girl out of Eastern Europe, but… Christopher’s client is completely unaware of how ludicrous she looks and takes that runway like she owns it. It is embarrassingly short for a woman of her age. Rode hard and put up wet, as we say. Mutton dressed as lamb. Epperson sends out a bolero over a full skirt, with a tight bodice and scoopy neck. The bodice is criss-crossed with Epperson’s signature strippy appliqué/layering. Miz Shoes loves the silhouette. Miz Shoes has owned that very dress as often as possible. It is the perfect look for a woman of Miz Shoes shape: narrow in the waist and full in the hips and bust. You accentuate that waist for all you are worth. Ask Mae West or Dolly Parton.

The judges send Carol Hannah, Nicolas and Althea away and turn to the remaining designers. Gordana’s strapless dress was made only from the lining fabric of her wedding dress. It is edgy and chic, says Michael Kors. Shows the woman’s shape. Christopher, though… Christopher explains that his client is an actress (Phoebe Price, meet your future) and needs this dress to go to parties and network. This evokes cries of “Oh, honey, no. Do NOT go to an industry party in that” and “Only if you want to end up on the worst-dressed list” from the judges. MK manages a feeble disco hefty bag insult before they round on Epperson.

Oh, Epperson. Miz Shoes would wear that dress. Miz Shoes would rock that dress, despite it being white. Miz Shoes has in the past rocked that dress. Miz Shoes would have given you high marks for that dress. Alas, Miz Shoes was not a judge. Heidi shrieks that it reeks of Oktoberfest, and someone else says it looks like a pirate wench. Shirin’s client says that she thinks that the dress is too safe, and it wasn’t what she wanted and Wah-Wah-Whaah. When Tamara Mellon says that she likes it, Shirin’s client begins cooing that it IS fabulous.

Logan is dispirited and says that he just did what the client wanted, as if that excuses the pants. Heidi says that the top is another Oktoberfest costume, and Tamara calls the whole thing a tragedy. Even the client has to admit that she wouldn’t wear it on a first date. The love is pouring down like rain upon Evil Twin Irina.

Who did the judges like? Shirina, who didn’t listen to her client, but did something nice instead. They didn’t have to listen to the Wah-Wah-Whaah, or they might not have been so generous. Gordana finally did something edgy and not safe. She can design in addition to sew. Evil Twin Irina’s dress is so sexy, yet age-appropriate, which is Michael Kors code for it looks a little Mother of the Bride, but I like it. Epperson’s dress is called a theme party without a party. Logan did something too matronly, too unattractive and too badly sewn to be tolerated. Christopher’s dress was too much and too short and would be noticed in a bad, worst-dressed list way. (Second time the judges said that, so DRINK)

And, Shirin is in. Gordana is the winner (and about time she got some recognition). Evil Twin Irina is in, and she is not happy to come in second. Christopher, for reasons completely unknown, is allowed to stay, which leaves Logan and Epperson in the bottom two and Epperson gone.

You’re kidding me, right? Epperson’s dress was in no way uglier or more poorly made than Christopher’s. Further, if the argument is that Epperson went to his safe silhouette (volume below, raggedy things sewn down randomly, corselet at the waist) then the same argument could be made about Christopher and his bubbles and ascots/bibs, which suffer from the additional charge of being butt-ugly.

The wrong person went home and Miz Shoes has been dyspeptic ever since. Next week sees the return of NinaGarcia, and a challenge that involves a multi-Grammy winning singer and Bob Mackie. Even Lifetime couldn’t be that obvious, could they? Other than Elton John, who could it be? Cher?

The Set Up

Gordana is comparing Project Runway to the Olympics. Miz Shoes thinks that maybe the steroids are wearing off, and she’s losing her advantage in the dead lift. Logan has to move in with the other boys. Louise is going to take the “judges” words to heart and try to go over the top this week. Do you think we can start a drinking game where every time one of these BORING ASS HACKS utters a cliché we can take a shot of scotch? It might make the hour go by faster, or at least numb us to the fact that this is The Worst Season Ever on Project Runway. Maybe we can change the name to Project Snoozefest while we’re at it. Nicolas (who isn’t talented enough, or entertaining enough to refer to him as Daniel Franco Lite anymore) makes all the boys take a pinkie swear to try and get Shirin thrown off.

Heidi tells the “designers” that this challenge will be colorful. Tim is in the workroom. Despite seeing designers with dye-stained hands in the promos for the episode, there is nothing to do with dye. In fact, we see the same dye-stained hands in the promo for next week’s show, which makes Miz Shoes even crankier than usual. How much mix and match editing did they do with the confessionals this year? Are the comments we’re hearing not even germane to the challenges? Feh. And double feh.

No, the challenge is to create two related, boring-ass looks for the boring-ass house brand of Macy’s: INC. And to make it even more boring, they will have to use blue. The winner will be commissioned to create an exclusive holiday dress for Macy’s and INC. To jack up the alleged drama, this will be a team challenge and maybe two “designers” will be sent home. They are given INC dossiers to review the line, 15 minutes to sketch and then each will pitch to Martine Reardon, the executive VP of marketing for Macy’s. Epperson seems to be the only one to realize that these looks have nothing to do with them as artists, and everything to do with Macy’s being able to slog it to the masses.

Althea pitches a high-waisted, wide legged denim pant. Logan, a sweater dress. Nicolas has ideas about a leather vest. Christopher is going for work-to-happy hour in a men’s shirtdress. Gordana is pitching a 70s revival. Gah. Growing up in a post-Soviet Czech Republic has given her some serious taste issues. Shirin pitches something for work.

Martine chooses her team leaders: Irina, Althea (I like team challenges because I’m always the leader), Carol Hannah, Louise and Christopher. Those five choose their teammates. Althea gets first pick and snatches up Logan. Christopher recognizes, and opts for Epperson. Louise inexplicably goes for Nicolas.  Irina shows her style of leadership by asking which of the remaining two designers want to work with her, and Gordana, not wanting to be known as the girl left on the playground that nobody wanted, says that she’d LOVE to work with Irina. And that leave Carol Hannah and Shirin.

At Mood, they have 20 minutes to buy fabric. Nobody will get immunity this week. Although using solids isn’t explicit in the instructions, nobody chooses a print. Nor do they choose anything other than true blue, baby blue or navy blue. Well, except Christopher/Epperson, who picks up some hideous teal charmeuse, and a shiny striped shirting. Carol Hannah and Shirin, with no clear direction in mind, just grab some of everything. Irina is already regretting Gordana, and Louise is so scatterbrained that she loses the money and her sketches.

Back at the workroom, Irina starts complaining that it’s too much work to be the leader. Louise has directed Nicolas to make a navy blue, fitted dress with ruffles. He hates ruffles. He hates them real hard. They suck, ruffles do. Unlike, you know, cheap white lace and feathers. Epperson and Christopher are in love. They are so happy together. How is the weather?

The Work Room and Tim’s Walkabout

Louise is making bird noises to herself while she works and nobody finds that annoying, like Shirin making noises was annoying. Not annoying is Logan. Althea is happy to be working with Logan. Everybody likes Logan. The straight girls and the gay boys. Gordana and Irina hate working with each other. Tim, on his walkabout, hates leggings. Carol Hannah and Shirin call themselves Team Awesome. Does that qualify for a shot? Tim isn’t happy with the asymmetrical ruffle on the Louise/Nicolas dress. Althea/Logan have made a modern take on a woman’s suit. If Tim says so. Tim says that the “conundrum” with Christopher and Epperson is that the textiles in their two looks don’t go together at fucking all.

Although their model loves the skirt, CH and Shirin assure her that it is way too tight and that she is working a runway, not a corner on the old Times Square. Irina and Gordana continue to whine about each other. Louise admits that she sucks at time management and Nicolas reminds us that ruffles are the work of Satan himself and their only use is to cover flaws. But, he says, WTF. He’s got immunity. He’s not the team leader, and so he’s just doing Louise’s bidding. Irina, not content to bitch about her own teammate, disses the work of Carol Hannah and Shirin, saying it looks like cheap crap at a discount store. Sniff. With the clock counting down to midnight, the “designers” all have a laugh at the departed Ra’Mon, saying this is the hour when he’d scrap his design and start over. True enough.

Fast-forward over the usual last minute rushes, anxieties, prideful gloating and nail biting worrying. Gordana thinks her blouse is good. It isn’t. Christopher thinks they might win; they won’t. Louise isn’t going to get her work finished. It’s all been done and done to death. Let’s just move on to the “judges” and the runway, shall we?

Runway& Judging

Praise the lord! Michael Kors is back in the chair. Zoe Glassner is out and some other Z-named editor for Marie Claire is in. Martine of Macy’s and Heidi round out the numbers. Let’s walk!

Irina/Gordana: a tent dress with a halter-top and color blocking. That awful baby blue chiffon top and a pencil skirt. Althea/Logan: Their little tight skirt keeps riding up the model’s ass, and the slit gets dangerously close to girlybits before she finally exits the runway. Their other look is boring pants and a tank top that doesn’t fit the model. Louise/Nicolas send out two dresses. One is dark with a light asymmetrical ruffle that looks like a misplaces tuxedo shirt bib, and the other is a ghastly ice blue with a navy blue asymmetrical caterpillar of chiffon running from neck to badly-sewn hem. There is also a bow in the back. CH/Shirin have something in with a high waist and two shades of blue. Then there is the tunic over leggings. The tunic is really lovely and there is interest at the neck of what appears to be an over-scale broderie-perse of the same fabric as the tunic itself. Christopher/Epperson have that shirtdress (well-tailored) and some wretched bubble top in that teal. The neck has a double ruffle that looks exactly like the double ruffle that was the back of the neck on the vampire bride outfit last week.

Althea and Logan leave, safe in their mediocrity. Louise and Nicolas; Christopher and Epperson have the lowest scores. Irina and Gordana; CH and Shirin have the highest. Really? Really. Carol Hannah and Shirin are given the love over their separates of boring. Irina pulls out all the bitch stops and even though she and Gordana are in the top two, tries to toss Gordana under the hackneyed bus by saying that she didn’t do a good enough job on the blouse, working with no direction. Heidi and Michael Kors both love the blouse though.

Louise is just jazzed to be on the runway getting personal and extended critiques. That changes to tears when Michael Kors calls her dress a bad bridesmaid with a shower loofah ruched up the center. Snerk. Christopher is reduced to tears within the first three sentences from MK. He calls the shirtdress 1979 librarian. Miz Shoes, while she is partial to the dress, has to admit it looks like one she had in 1976, which may or may not have been a Diane von Furstenberg wrap-dress knock-off. MK goes back to the well for his standard put-down: the teal charmeuse looks like a disco pumpkin. Miz Shoes is beginning to think that as much as she adores him, MK may have spent a few too many nights at Studio 54.

The designers are sent away to consider their fates as the “judges” decide who will stay and who will go now. After hearing a few lusterless lines about hanging well on the floor (and truer, but more unintentional words were never spoken, since most of the time when Miz Shoes goes to Macy’s at the Falls, half the garments are on the ground and not the racks, because apparently the floor staff at this Macy’s never had the retail mantra “if you aren’t actively waiting on a customer, you are straightening the stock” drilled into their heads. That vague seismic shiver? That’s just my dad and my grandfather, spinning.)

Shirin is in. Miz Shoes suspects that she’s the one responsible for that broderie perse. Irina is the winner of the challenge for her uninspired tent dress. Gordana and Carrol Hannah get a “good job” pat on their respective heads and are sent away. Epperson is in, thankfully. Nicolas gets a few harsh “you have no idea how lucky you are that you came into this challenge with immunity because we the judges find you as annoying and unlikeable and uninspired as the entire viewing audience” words from Heidi and a fish-eye from Mr. Kors and is sent off. Louise and Christopher are left. Christopher is told that the only thing his two looks had in common was cluelessness. Louise is told that her retro aesthetic is lame and even that is done with no eye to style or wearability and that she needs to take her stupid Louise Brooks bob and go home. Christopher gets to stay and cry another day.

Let’s make this quick: Ra’Mon is glad that Johnny’s gone so he can focus on design, not comforting Johnny’s neuroses. Nicolas is not here to make friends and he’s doing a fine job it. Nobody out here in the blogosphere likes him. Gordana was SHOCKED! to be in the bottom three. Speaking of the blogosphere, it is the general consensus out here that the judges all heartily dislike Gordana. Irana wants to win again.

Heidi on the runway tells the designers that they’ve been in El Lay long enough to see what the town is really all about: MOVIE MAKING!!!! Off they go to a sound stage and find Tim, Collier Strong and the magic velvet button bag. Their challenge today will be to chose a film genre, (Sci-Fi, Western, Action/Adventure, Period, or Noir) and to create a character. They must work with the make-up department to make their character come alive through wardrobe and make up.

Irina, as the winner, gets to chose her genre first. And in what is this reviewer’s first of many complaints, they are not forced to chose blindly, but can take what they want. Or at least the first few designers can. After Irina has carte blanche, there are two cards for each genre.

Irina goes for Noir, Logan takes Action/Adventure; Carol Hannah does too, saying she’s going to make a sexy assassin (ho-fucking-hum). Ra’Mon is a self-identifying Trekkie, so he leaps on the Sci-Fi. He’s stoked. Louise goes for (another SHOCKING development) Noir. As does Althea. Nicolas happily grabs the other Sci-Fi card and tells us (wait for it) that he’s always in Fantasyland, so this is a natural for him. Gordana grabs Period, as does Christopher, Shirin takes Western and poor, always last Epperson shrugs with defeat and takes the other Western card. I love Epperson. Have I said that before?

Shirin is going to make the best darn saloon girl in history. What a conceptual leap for a western character. Epperson considers his options and creates a story. Logan and Carol Hannah have side-by-side work tables and CH says that Logan is a huge distraction for her, being so hot and all. Logan doesn’t seem distracted by CH at all. They compare their sexy assassin wear.

Althea is going for a femme fatale. Another cliché from filmdom. Irina has immunity but wants to do something marvelous anyway. At Mood, there is half an hour and a mere $150 to spend. Christopher wants brocade, but it’s $30 a yard and he needs 7 yards. DanielFranco Lite wants to be experimental and daring. Good lord, do these people ever think outside of the box? I’m so bored with them all.

Wait! We are treated to A Minute with Epperson™. He says that he wanted period, was handed western, but with thought, figured out a way to treat a western as a period piece. He has created a character whose husband has gone off to war (Civil, one supposes) and is left to take care of the land. She has to toughen up. Gordana, with the entire history of the world at her disposal (period piece) has decided to do a flapper.

Today’s workroom drama is “who is stealing the bobbins?” Louise can find neither her bobbin nor a story line. She’s floundering around. DanielFranco Lite, on the other hand, has his story completely fleshed out. There are three sister queens who live on the stars in Orion’s belt. They watch over Earth. But one of them has decided that she wants to rule the entire universe. (That’s his girl.) The other sisters defeat her and send her to live in the ice caves of Planet Hoth. Ra’Mon has his story down, too. His character is a human slash lizard alien hybrid. He’s back to dying fabric green in the men’s room. More bobbin stealing. Oh NOES!

Trash talking in the work room: Logan says there’s still a lot of talent. Nicolas has lots of appliqué to do. Irina says Gordana can’t design. Tim comes for his walkabout and questions Christopher’s period piece (which, with the story line involving a vampire bride, has morphed into period sci-fi). Ostensibly a 19th century love story, the dress is sleeveless wedding dress, and Tim is concerned about the correctness of the style. Epperson has gone all Annie Get Your Gun and Tim is loving it. He is seduced by the denim ruffles. Ra’Mon is making either something sublime or a big hot mess: which exactly remains to be seen. Louise has completed an underslip. She shows her black fabrics to Tim who applauds her subtlety and nuance and then reminds her that these are not assets which show well on the runway.

DanielFranco Lite is using white for a villain. How mold-breaking! How daring! Tim tells him to go bigger and not to be safe but ambitious. This allows Nicolas to talk trash about Ra’Mon and opine that Sci-Fi is about beautiful women, and not Godzilla. Except, you know, it is. Ra’Mon, taking Tim’s criticism to heart, decides that his ensemble looks like Kermit the Frog gone bad, and not in a good way. Remembering that the last time he pulled something out of his ass at the last second he won the challenge, Ra’Mon decides to try that strategy again, and throws away his alien life form, certain that he can do something fabulous in two hours. Logan cocks an eyebrow at that. Nicolas is all OMG!!! Shirin is gonna make the best little saloon dress in the history of trite saloon dresses. Louise stitches right through her finger, and proving that she is, in fact an emotionless cyborg deadpans an “ouch” and keeps on sewing.

The morning of the runway dawns, and Logan is sure that he’ll get love from the judges, even though he’s wearing a shirt and the silver jeans are nowhere to be seen. Ra’Mon is sure that he’ll be in the middle of the pack. Gordana is making her own accessories, saying that they are the key to the flapper look. Epperson is gracious about everyone sticking to their genre and doing good work. He doesn’t think he’ll be sent home. As Tim calls time, Irina is sewing her model into some Frederick’s of Hollywood vamp costume. And we’re off.

Guest judges today are John Varvatos, Zoe Glassner and Arianne Philips who, the credits tell us was nominated for an Oscar for her costumes on something or another. Irina’s dress leads off the runway, and it’s long and black and has lace panels on the sides. Action/Adventure vinyl catsuit from Carol Hannah, with a sort of gold harness dangling off the hip. Shirin’s boring can-can dress that you could buy at any Halloween costume shop. Christopher’s bare-armed vampire bride in ivory and pink? With a blackish-tweedyish bustley thing. Nicolas’ silver and white evil ice queen from the planet Zardoz (her make up is astounding, though). Althea’s showing a pencil skirt with a sheer white bat-wing blouse over a black bustier or bra. Must be a film noir siren. Ra’Mon has a green leather lizard dress thing. Louise has made a black flapper dress, but it isn’t really. Epperson has a tattered western lady with leather and denim and boots and it’s gorgeous and Miz Shoes wants it. Gordana’s flapper is pitch perfect and gold. Logan has another black vinyl catsuited assassin and that’s a wrap.

Logan, Carol Hannah, Shirin, Irnia and Althea are safe. Gordana gets picked apart first. Yes, she has crafted an exquisite flapper. Ho-hum say the judges. Where’s the vision? Where’s the innovation? Gordana they say, has the hands of a dressmaker, but not the eyes of a designer.

DanielFranco Lite spins the story of the three sister queens, and the judges all say that oh, yes, they saw that the minute the model stepped on the runway. They knew her story from the clothes. Louise says that her girl is actually an actress from the 40s going to a party dressed as a flapper to get a part as a flapper in a movie about the 20s. Lame. And the judges call it a convoluted mess and a snooze fest. There is nothing strong or special, unlike say, Christopher, who is next. Oh, the accolades! Oh, the wow factor. Oh, how film-worthy. Oh, the love. Oh, the fitted bodice and full skirt, says Miz Shoes.

Ra’Mon gives it his best shot and says that his character is named Lola and she has come from Planet Lizard to mate with our Earth men, for whom she has an insatiable appetite. The judges disagree and say that she’s a swamp thing, a hot green mess and shoddily made.

Epperson’s western look is Fabulous! He “thought outside the box” (and he shows them the hidden details, like the thigh holster for her hidden gun. Miz Shoes wants that too, but for her flask.) There is bravado. There is a contemporary twist. Epperson has created something new from a tired genre, and it wasn’t even one he wanted to work on.

The judges caucus. Gordana is boring, Louise disappointing and Ra’Mon a shambles. They are sympathetic to his desire to create something new in only two hours, but tough titties. Nicolas finally used his favorite white and lace to great effect. The judges say that it would look better on film than on the runway, which makes Miz Shoes ask how teevee is different than film because it looks piss-poor on my hi-def set. Epperson was great. His model worked the dress. He paid attention to details. He worked within a genre he never wanted. He’s toast. Christopher was “perfection from every angle.”

Gordana is in. Epperson is in and robbed of his rightful victory. DanielFranco Lite is the winner and gets immunity for next week, alas. Christopher is merely in. Ra’Mon missed the mark entirely and Louise had no drama (even sewing her finger) and no sense of costume. Her skills and Ra’Mon’s lack thereof result in her staying for another week, and him going home. Tim is much more kind and loving when saying goodbye to Ra’Mon than he was to Johnny-the-Liar.

Next week they work in teams, do something involving dye and praise the lord, Michael Kors is back to take these clowns to school. Now. If only NinaGarcia would come back, too, we might have a show worth watching. And just so you know? Epperson wuz robbed.

Today started out badly, with me leaving my i-phone on the counter in the bathroom, and not noticing that it wasn’t in my purse until I was almost at the train station and it was too late to turn back and get it. That meant that I was subjected to the noise of the common crowd. And crowd it was, as the train was late, which meant it was also jammed to capacity.

Sooooo, about two stops in, some guy gets on the train and starts preaching, loudly. In Spanish.

Many years ago, when the then-boss at the then-job demanded I learn Spanish, I determined to learn only useful phrases. Hence, my conversational Spanish is limited to stuff like “go away, I have a gun” (vette, tengo una pistola), “what is your point” (qual es su punto), “another client from hell” (un otra cliente del infierno) and the ever popular “bite me.” Today, I had my vocabulary enhanced with this, which is possibly idiomatic, as the Cuban woman I tried it on didn’t get it, but the Venezuelan knew where I was going before I got there.

La ultima est circa.

The end is near.

And frankly, without NinaGarcia and Michael Kors, and with the guest judges from the middle of the C list (hell, I’d be happier with the queen of the D-listers, Miss Kathy Griffith as a judge), who even cares? It’s getting harder and harder to watch this mess, and even harder to recap.

But, press on regardless. Hah! MizShoes made a joke about ironing. We begin, as usual with a recap of last week’s loser and a bile green LA morning. Carol Hannah is happy that Qristyl is gone. Johnny swears that he’ll never be in the bottom three again, and Althea must remain on her game. Irina complains that the winning dress shouldn’t have won, and DanielFranco Lite says that Johnny and Irina don’t deserve to be there. That only he deserves to be there. That they should just name him the winner and call it a season, and you know, except for the part about him being the winner, there is some merit to that suggestion.

Heidi is on the runway in a stripey shirt. They have another field trip. The answers to their questions will be in black and white. Gasps! Heidi mocks them for their drama queenyness. Miz Shoes mocks them for that and their general lack of personalities, talent and all around cluelessness. In the van, they make lame guesses as to what black and white might mean. Old movies? No. The Los Angeles Times, where they are introduced to the Times’ fashion critic, Booth Moore. She, or Tim, announce that Fashion IS News. (Ha, in yer fuckin’ dreams) and that the challenge is to use newspaper and/or the blank rolls of newsprint to make a design.

There are five stacks of sections: Image, Sports, Business, News and something else. The designers have three minutes to grab paper. In the studio, there are dyes, brushes, markers and the instructions that they can use muslin as a support structure. They have till midnight: winner gets immunity.

Christian is going to do a fitted bodice and full skirt, just like he does every week. But this will be different, because he’s making it out of paper. Althea claims cluelessness, but doesn’t care because she has immunity. Carol Hannah has an idea. DanielFranco Lite has a lot of bitching to do about the challenge and all the other designers. Irina is going to mix materials and colors and use it so it doesn’t look like paper. Shirin is making something out of papier maché. Logan is over Shirin. She chatters. To herself. Out loud. In fact, everyone is over Shirin. We see the other designers hating on her as she chatters like a magpie.

Johnny is making origami cranes, and they are going to hold up his dress from the shoulders. He’s made a lot of red paper. DanielFranco Lite has an opinion about it. He says it looks like a lot of wrinkled paper covered in pig’s blood. Ra’Mon is inspired by the pattern of words and images on the printed page. Louise is going to make a dress out of headlines. Gordana is going to make two garments. Something about Time 2 Change? Tim says to just make the change.

Irina hates the dress she made and wants to make a trench coat instead. Tim tells her to go ahead and do it. Irina is going to do it with no muslin. Tim is not happy with Johnny’s work. He says that he (Tim) is “woeful”. That it looks like a craft project gone awry. Johnny says that the birds are holding the dress up and Tim says no, that they are attacking it. Tim tells DanielFranco Lite that he has a good trajectory and to maintain. Don’t go costume-y. Christopher wants to make a show stopper and Tim tells him that it could very will be. Tim is inspired by this walkabout, and can’t wait to see the show. Tim and nobody else.

Johnny listens to Uncle Tim and thows away his messy red dress, and starts gluing tiles of paper onto muslin. Irina listens to Uncle Tim and begins construction on a trench coat. DanielFranco Lite tells us that his inspiration is punk rock and that he’s making a punk rock dress. Miz Shoes wakes herself up with a particularly loud snore.

Irina is making a faux Persian lamb collar and cuffs on her little trench coat by crumpling up little bits of plain newsprint and then uncrumpling them and glueing them onto the basic form. It reminds Miz Shoes of the prom floats that we made in high school with chicken wire and paper napkins. Shirin is panicking that she’s made a strapless dress with a heavy skirt. Will it fall off the model as she stomps the runway? We can only hope for that kind of drama.

Johnny hallucinates that he had a steamer accident and that’s why his dress was awful/he had to start over. Or was it that the iron sputtered water while in steam mode? The story changes with each repetition. And Johnny repeats it over and over as the other designers laugh at him and say “Johnny you’re a liar”. (Springsteen reference)  Over morning coffee, we see that Irina and Louise like Althea’s dress, and that they don’t like Nicolas. Epperson graciously says that Johnny has his form under a drape for a reason, implying that there might be something both surprising and good. Someone says the reason is comic relief. So much for that.

Ra’Mon has done separates. Irina is still working the crumples. Tim says “Rally!” Gordana has (as always) made something very well constructed. Carol Hannah can’t get her dress of her mannequin and has no idea how she’s going to get it on her model. Althea is trash talking Irina. DanielFranco Lite is trash talking every one and saying that his dress is full-on punk rock. Johnny says that it’s Stump Rock. Or dino chic.

On the runway, Heidi is in something short, shiny and tight. Is she losing her accent? The judges are Tommy Hilfiger, Zoe Glassner and Eva Longoria-Parker. Ho-fucking hum. Runway goes by in a blur:

Logan’s dress is interesting, fitted and he’s used the paper to create blue trim. DanielFrano Lite has petal-shaped panels over the hips. Christopher’s bodice looks like leather or enamel and the feather skirt is feathery. Ra’Mon has a top and skirt. Epperson has played with volume and shape (again, and why do we not see more of him and his work? PLEASE???) with a portrait collar over a kimono shape. Johnny’s is meh. Gordana has done a fitted top and a pleated skirt. Carol Hannah has a red paper gown. It’s a little rumpled. Shirin has made something very evocative of Leanne’s origami petals. Irina’s trench coat is sharp. The body is made of printed newsprint, and the collar and cuffs out of blank. Althea’s is interesting. And Louise has made something that looks like it came out of the Cirque de Soleil costume shop, in a bad way.

Johnny, Nicolas, Christopher, Althea, Gordana and Irina are the top and bottom designers. Althea’s work is based on a repeat of an image of a building, that she used to make a fitted dress. Tommy Hilfiger calls it genius and well executed. Like he would know. Eva L-P loves it because it emphasizes the model’s ass, and she’s all about the ass.

Gordana’s look was conventional. Heidi says that it is too wearable and average. Irina has just blown poor Eva away. Tommy H says something incomparably stupid about it being Coco Channel meets St. Laurent meets somebody else in the nebulous 60s-70s (which were, snarks Miz Shoes, SOOOO stylistically similar). But there is scotch tape showing and the length is wrong says someone else.

Johnny is clocked for not spending enough time on his piece of shit, and he trots out the steamer story. Heidi says the whole look is a little “working girl” and she doesn’t mean the movie. Johnny says that his first look was absolutely Dior, and Nicolas laughs out loud and says that the steamer story is a flat out lie and Johnny calls him a jerk and ho-fucking hum. I’ve seen better bitch fights on South Beach over a seat at a bar. But then Tommy H says that DanielFranco Lite’s dress is no more punk rock than Tommy is. Christopher’s dress gets the love and the designers are packed off to the green room to scratch each other’s eyes out while the “judges” discuss.

Christopher, Althea and Irina are the top three, with the trench coat called couture. Gordana is too safe. DanielFranco Lite’s dress was fug. They didn’t see the punk rock influence at all. Johnny’s honesty is questioned. DUDE! He’s a fucking junkie. His honesty is by definition questionable. DUH.

Althea, who had immunity anyway, is in. Irina’s little faux Persian lamb is the winner, and she gets applause for risk taking, and immunity for the next challenge. Christopher and Gordana are in. Johnny and Nicolas are the bottom two. Johnny is a liar with a lot of excuses and no discernible talent. Nicolas is a prissy bitch who had an idea that he couldn’t execute, but at least he had an idea, so he gets to stay.

Johnny leaves, and gives an exit interview in which he declares himself lost and empty. He says it was easier to give up crystal meth than to get thrown off the show. He snivels a lot and whines that he wanted to go to Bryant Park. Tim sends him off to clear out his workspace, and the minute he leaves, Tim lets loose with a blast of righteous indignation. “That was preposterous! I can’t believe he tried that steamer crap on the judges! Clutch the pearls!”

If it weren’t for Tim’s twitterpation and fluttery vexation, there wouldn’t have been a show at all this week. Where is NinaGarcia? Where is Michael Kors?? Where are designers with talent? What happened to Project Runway? Is it even worth watching the rest of the season? We’ll find out next week.

It was pouring when we arrived at the show, but we were able to park close to the gate, so when the weather abated a bit, we ran for it. Got in and missed the lottery, but were early enough that we were right behind the fence to the pit, so not so bad at all, and I parked us on Little Steven’s side of the stage.

Here’s the set list from Ft. Lauderdale, September 13, 2009

Working on the Highway

Badlands

Night

Cover Me

Outlaw Pete

Out in the Street

Working on a Dream

(first request) Sherry Darlin’ and Roy, Nils and the new guy all play accordion on it

It’s All Gone

Johnny 99 ( and a righteous rip-roaring version it is)

Working Life

(then Stevie vamps while Bruce collects request signs from the audience, and arranges them on the stage to review)

Be True

Cadillac Ranch

So Young and In Love

Waiting on a Sunny Day

Promised Land

Backstreets

Radio Nowhere

Lonesome Day

The RIsing

Born To Run

And Then She Kissed Me (another request)

Jungleland

Hard Times Come Again No More

American Land

Dancing in the Dark

Thunder Road

Somewhere around Jungleland, I had my moment of pure grace, where the music poured through me, and the energy in the room filled me with a sense of community. It is a religious experience. It is the church of rock and roll. And so to bed.

And now, the next morning, I can compare this to the typed set list that the security guard gave me:

Working on the Highway

Badlands

Night

Outlaw Pete

St. In the City

Working on a Drew

Atlantic City

Seeds

Johnny 99

Raise Your Hand

?

?

?

Waiting on a Sunny Day

The Promised Land

Backstreets

Lonesome Day

The Rising

Born to Run

Hard Times

Thunder Road

American Land

Dancing in the Dark

Hungry Heart

I need to clarify something here. I love Bob Dylan. I love Bob Dylan’s voice, gargling phlegm, off-key, nasal and all. As for my CousinSteve’s assertion that Mr. Zimmerman hasn’t been musically relevant for decades, I say bah. The Bob will always be relevant. The Bob transcends relevance. The Bob is a singularity in a musical wasteland. The one thing the Bob is NOT, however, is suited for making an album of Christmas music. That is an abomination on all levels.

Besides, we are coming up to the Jewish High Holy Days, and that is where the Bob comes into play. We hear the story of Abraham and Isaac, and Bob wrote about that on “Highway 61, Revisited.” It is what I chant under my breath, and taught all three surrogate daughters to recite every Rosh Hashanna:

G-d said to Abraham, kill me your son

Abe say G-d, you must be puttin me on

G-d say no, Abe say what

G-d say you can do what you want Abe, but

The next time you see me comin’ you better run

Abe say where you want this killin done

G-d say out on Highway 61

See? That’s what the Bob is best at, making the ancient relevant, whether we are talking about G-d and Abraham or musical genres that have passed (see the gumbo-infused blues he’s got on the latest cd, or the Civil War era rhythms and instrumentations on Love and Theft.)

Tonight the RLA and I are going to see Bruce Springsteen and the Legendary E-Street Band. It’s a crap shoot for us, seating-wise, because I coughed up for general admission tix, which means we’re standing for the whole show, somewhere on the floor. Exactly where depends on where we hit the lottery. Not that we wouldn’t be standing (or dancing) for the whole show anyway. I tried not to look at set lists from the tour, wanting it to be a surprise, but caved last night, and discovered that he’s been doing the Detroit Medley and Land of 1000 Dances. He played 8 encores (well, 8 songs during the encore) in Boston in August. (I NEED to find a copy of that show.)

The RLA and I have been watching movies dealing with tradition. We saw 10 Canoes last night, a dream of a movie that tells a legend, or myth, or folk tale of Australian native people. I don’t think we’re supposed to call them Aborigines any more. Two weeks ago we watched Arranged, about two women in Brooklyn, one a Hassidic Jew, and her friend who is a devout Muslim. They are both in the middle of having their marriages arranged for them, and both are having a sort of crisis of faith, wondering if they want a more secular life. They both decide no. It makes me wonder if my own life is too secular, and I long for a routine of going to temple and prayer. But there’s the rub. I don’t find myself fitting in the community at any of the local temples I have attended.

I’m supposed to go to services with Star this weekend, and I am loathe to do so. I did not enjoy last year’s services. CousinSteve may say that one is not supposed to enjoy the service, but I’m not sure. I think that I should. That I should find things to contemplate upon and messages in the sermons that bear deeper reflection. Such was not the case last year, and I doubt that it will be so this year. The temple that I belonged to for many years has a new rabbi, and maybe I would find him a better spiritual leader, but it’s too late now to try to get tickets for services. I can’t find any enthusiasm within myself for Chabbad.

Sigh. Maybe I’ll just listen to the Bob’s version of the story, and trust myself to reflect upon the message.