We open as the hamsters return to their Upper East Side cage, and Sandra sees herself (and Celia cropped out) on the big digital display. Her reaction? “Wow! I look so hot!” She then opines that winning the last challenge shows that she is so much better than the rest of the girls, and she’s sure that they all know that now.

Except for Tahlia, who’s getting positive feedback, and is regaining her confidence.

Suddenly, the door bell rings! Who can it be now? It’s Tocarra, the formerly plus sized model from season back in the day. She brought Mira Kelis sleepwear for everyone, and they are going to have a slumber par-tay! She’s also there to make the pitch for having a plus-size personality. Aminat is down with that. She says that she’s loud and that’s OK. Kortnie the Pit Lizard says that she’s an old male comedian stuck in a model’s body. Some of the other girls say that Kortnie is always on, and it gets real old, real fast. (Wait. Real old, real fast, isn’t that Celia?) Either way, there has been no evidence in the aired footage that Kortnie is trying to be funny, or just trying.

Tocarra gives a quick run down of what she’s been up to since she got tossed off ANTM. She’s been the first Black and plus-sized model ever on the cover of Italian Vogue. She’s a correspondent for BET. She’s been working. She omits her two stints on Celebrity Weight Loss Challenge. Sandra and Aminat have a little cat fight over nothing. The next morning, Tocarra says that this crop of girls is so bland and boring that even after spending a night with them she can’t tell them apart. How do you think we feel, Tocarra? At least you got paid for your suffering.

Celia says that Tocarra was a wake-up call, or that Tocarra couldn’t wait for her wake-up call, and that she, Celia, needs to really show what she’s made of. In the event, and I don’t think this is giving anything away, what she’s made of is bitch.

TYRA MAIL! If you can’t move to the music, it might pose a problem. Must mean the return of Benny Ninja and posing classes. The girls head off to Marquee, where they do, in fact, meet Benny and Sky Nellor, who used to be a model, and is now a DJ. (Isn’t everyone?) Sky Masterson will be playing music to motivate the posing. Benny tells the girls to pay attention to what they are hearing, and to let the music move them accordingly.

In a shocking! development, the girls are nearly universally unable to rock out. Or move in any way related to the various genres of music presented. LondonComeToJesus is marginally better at heavy metal than Sandra, who is deemed clueless. Neither AllisonKeaneLemur nor Natalie can shake it to rock and roll. Wind In Her Face is somewhat less pathetic than Fo at interpreting country music into poses. Kortnie and Celia pose off to hip hop, and Celia beats Kortnie. In the words of Benny Ninja, beats her BAD. Aminat and Tahlia try to work it to jazz, and Aminat gets it, and Tahlia gets another beat down for not having any confidence.

AllisonKeaneLemur admits that she’s shy and posing for Benny Ninja scared her. I sense a new drinking game coming on. Whenever AllisonKeaneLemur says she’s scared of something, take a shot. Might be fun, might be alcohol poisoning.

The next day, the girls have to take their new-found (or, you know, never-found) posing to music skills and participate in a pose-off at Mansion, which is populated by the meanest queens in New York City. Benny tells them to be out loud and free with the cat-calls, hoots of derision and any possible praise. The hamsters will be modeling sparkly, shiny clothes from the house of 2 Blondes. Dave and Phillipe Blonde will be in the audience, and the winner gets to keep what they modeled. The girls are all given long blond Barbie wigs, and stripper heels and sent out like lambs to the slaughter. AllisonKeaneLemur is scared, Celia is stoked and Talhia is overwhelmed and unsure of herself. Oh, good lord. No wonder Tocarra couldn’t leave fast enough.

Annnnnd, AllisonKeaneLemur gets booed. Wind In Her Face gets love. Kortnie and Sandra hear the boo birds, but Celia is a drag queen’s dream and gets major love. Aminat, LondonComeToJesus and Tahlia all get booed. Natalie and Fo get loved. Natalie and Celia have a pose off and the fag hag wins it all. (That’s Celia, for those of you who may be unsure.)

Back in the hamster cage, Tahlia has lost all the confidence she got at panel and whines to AllisonKeaneLemur about wanting to go home. Celia says that Tahlia is too timid for this business.

TYRA MAIL! says that models aren’t the only ones who migrate to NYC to make their dreams come true. This leads us to a photo shoot on Ellis Island, where Brian Edwards will be shooting the girls, a grab-bag of child models and Benny Ninja as very on-trend immigrants. Well, immigrants, whose native dress has been updated to BoHo chic. These are yet more group shots, and this time the girls have to try and stand out among children and a posing queen. They have some hard work ahead of them, is all MizShoes is saying. The additional twist to this shot is that they will be using an antique box camera that uses 8X10 sheet film, and requires that they actually hold a pose.

Sandra leads off, albeit stiffly, and Mr. Jay tells us that Sandra is his biggest disappointment, because she started strong and gets weaker every challenge. Fo immediately gets into character, and becomes a fierce Spanish dancer. Since I never saw the movie, I have no idea why she and Mr. Jay say that she was straight out of “Titanic”. LondonComeToJesus also does some far-away look and feels the immigrant experience. Natalie claims that she’s channeling her Croatian immigrant ancestors. What ever. Wind In Her Face is good, but Kortnie struggled and took too long to find a boring pose. Tahlia continues to blow hot and cold, as she owns the shoot as a Gypsy and Mr. Jay fawns all over her, calling her impressive and telling her that she’s growing in leaps and bounds.

Celia acknowledges that her posing is not as strong as her runway, and flails about looking stumpy. Aminat is all body and no face and no neck. AllisonKeaneLemur looks like a Walter Keane painting of Heather Graham pretending to be Chico Marx in a striped shirt and a cone-shaped felt hat. And with that, thankfully, it is all over but the judging.

In confessisonals, Sandra says that she knows she could have been better, but that she isn’t going home, that’s Tahlia’s fate. Tahlia is on the up side of her mood swing, and knows that she’s doing fine. Celia and Natalie, mean time, are organizing a lynching. If Tahlia doesn’t get booted at panel, Celia tells the other girls, then they need to step up and tell Tyra that Tahlia has said she wants out, and demand that she get that wish.

At judging, Sandra is wearing black tights, a blue shirt, bloomer shorts with suspenders, and bright red Mickey Mouse shoes. The gang on the couch is unanimous in its derision and demand that the shoes alone are enough to have Sandra thrown off the show.

Benny Ninja is the guest judge and Miss Jay’s bow tie is almost as wide as his face. Now, maybe it was because Benny Ninja is in the house, but for what ever reason, our host today is Jive-Talkin’ Tyra. Fo’ shizzle.

Wind in Her Face has the story in her eyes, and is captivating and romantic. LondonComeToJesus looks like she’s only a foot and a half tall, and it’s not a great shot on top of that. Sandra is looking off into an imaginary sunset, and Nigel points out that she seems to only work in profile. Benny Ninja says she looks like a deer in the headlights…in Mickey Mouse shoes. AllisonKeaneLemur gets Nigel praise: he says this is the first shot where she actually looks like a model…and also one of the children, so… maybe not so good, after all.

Aminat is told that she is a natural poser (not poseur) and that she completely sold/told the story. Paulina tells Fo that this is her least favorite shot to date. Natalie has paid the judges to say that she resembles Keira Knightly in her shot, because there is no other explanation for why they would think that. Kortnie is SOUR! says Benny Ninja, which seems to be gay-speak for not so hot. She has no tension in her poses and she’s underperforming. I guess she needs a tune up in the pit.

Tahlia is astonishing. Nigel says WOW!!! and better than exquisite, and of all the girls, is the only one who looks somehow related to the children. On the other hand, she is wearing her hair in a rather small-town and tragic fashion at panel, and Nigel tells her that the “There’s Something About Mary” hair has got to go. Celia is schlumpping into her body, and looks like a piece of luggage dumped into the photo.

The judges deliberate and Benny Ninja says that Kortnie is not model quality. Paulina loves Fo, but sees nothing in today’s shot. Celia is giving the same pose she gave Nigel in his photoshoot, and is totally lost among the children, Benny and the luggage. Natalie is dull and not at all inspirational. Wind In Her Face is a model. She gives sweet. She gives sour. She’s sweet and sour. The Number Three Surrogate Daughter remembers that there is, in fact, some hot and sour soup in the kitchen.

The photos go to: Tahlia, much to the pissy faced reaction of Celia. Wind In Her Face. AllisonKeaneLemur. Natalie. LondonComeToJesus. Aminat. Celia. Fo. The bottom two are Kortnie and Sandra. Kortnie is beautiful in person (albeit a wee bit too tan) but dies on camera. Sandra is (and I quote Tyra) “just restin’ on what the Lord and yo’ momma and daddy gave you.” (See? Jive Talkin’ Tyra.) So, who stays and who goes? Why, that’s an easy one. Kortnie the Pit Lizard goes home, and Sandra the Drama Llama stays. DUH. And then, an ANTM first! Celia trots herself right up to stand next to Kortnie and interrupts Tyra. Celia lays out the facts that she thinks Miss Tyra needs to know: That it isn’t fair to keep Tahlia when Tahlia isn’t sure that this is the best career move she’s ever made. It isn’t fair to keep Tahlia when she doesn’t want it as bad as others. It isn’t fair that Tahlia got the first picture today. It isn’t fair. And Celia wants Tyra to know that.

Tyra fixes Celia with a Look of Death and Contempt and announces that what isn’t fair is Celia opening her yap and assuming to speak for Tahlia. Tahlia didn’t ask Tyra for permission to leave, and she took one hell of a picture this week, so Celia can go back to her place (“under a rock” is implied) and just shut the fuck up until Miss Tyra asks for her advice or opinion. Kortnie is sent home to practice being fierce (which seems to mean squinting) and we are left waiting until next week to see what vengance Tyra throws down on the unwitting Celia.

Great. Two posts, two disclaimers. Yes, Reecie, I really, really, really despise Genesis. Phil Collins is the Cabbage Patch Rocker, and Peter Gabriel is, in my opinion, the poster boy of poseurs everywhere. While I admit to a secret fondness for “Solsbury Hill”, there is nothing else in his oeuvre that I can stand. (And he claims to have been inspired by Bruce Springsteen when he wrote that. Which may explain why I can listen to it, but it bears no resemblance to any Springsteen I’ve ever heard.)

And here I am, titling another post with another song, which, if it were to disappear from the collective consciousness tonight, I would not mourn. But, as I said when I cited “Lamb”, you try to find a rock song that references birds or bird-watching. Oh. “Yellow Bird”. But that’s 1960’s Calypso. Still. Might have been more apropo. But I digress.

Today brought two new birds to the feeders and bath: a female Painted Bunting (olive green above and lemon yellow below) and a Grey Catbird, which had quite a time in the birdbath. This past weekend I saw not one, but two ruby throated hummingbirds. This habitat thing is coming along nicely.

I need to issue a disclaimer. I LOATHE that song. I LOATHE Genesis. But YOU try to find rock lyrics about sheep.

Anyway, I present you with extreme sheep herding:

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, there was much squealing. There were make-overs and freak-outs and Jessica went back to Puerto Rico to think about the difference between being pretty and being a model. Now, though, we are with the hamsters in their pink plaid limo and Wind In Her Face is happily remembering her fabulous photo. Nijah worries about having dead eyes and no discernible personality. In confessionals, Tahlia is off her game, and losing her confidence and Aminat is wearing yet another Mammy-rag. Have these girls no sense of history? Or, in the words of Clerk’s Randal, are they just taking it back?

Tyra Mail gives them the clue of Ps &Qs and the girls deduct that they will be going to runway lessons. This lets Natalie confide to the camera that she’s all that and a side of fries, seeing as how she is already a great model and she’s already been signed with an agency. We cut to the house catwalk, and Natalie is showing the others how to walk. Aminat suggests that perhaps Natalie should “take a slice of humble pie and relax.” Not bad advice. Natalie does not take it.

The next morning the girls are hauled off to Miss Jay’s Drag & Slag Charm School for Dummies. They are told to change, and find cropped chinos, faux pearls and twin sets. And heels. The key words are Grace. Poise. Elegance. And Smooth. Miss Jay sashays down the make shift runway and gives the hamsters a textbook example of a perfect catwalk. OK. I’ll say it. She may be a freak, she may be a queen with no sense of how to dress, but Miss Jay can fucking walk. Celia humps out first and gives a “signature walk” which she claims is essential to a star model. Fo is called a wind up toy. Nijah looks angry (better than dead?) Kortnie has a “certain wiggle jiggle” and needs help. This, translated, means that Kortnie leads with her tits. Tahlia needs help. LondonComeToJesus needs poise and grace. Wind In Her Face elicits an “Oh,dear” but the clear loser of the evening is AllisonKeaneLemur, who needs all the help she can get. She is pigeon-toed. She is schlumpy. She gets a book on her head. Natalie has confidence and Miss Jay loves her. And then, previous

hamsters come out to give the girls some tips. They are…. Binaca of the Stank Attitude and Chantallobotomy. Chantallobotomy tells the girls not to over think things. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! yeah. Cause that was one thing she never had to worry about. At all. Hell, she never even had to worry about thinking at all. Binaca of the Stank Attitude doesn’t say much at all. She’s too busy feeling superior to this lot. And one must admit, she’s looking better than ever.

Back at the house, the girls are playing a game of Truth or Dare. Someone licks someone else’s nose. For her “truth” question,Natalie gets asked who had the worst photo last week. She thinks that would have been Tahlia. Tahlia takes this personally, and stomps out of the room, and says that Natalie is selfish and that will either enable her to win, or cause her to fail. Tahlia is hoping for the latter. Aminat gives her moral support, or at least says things like yeah, you go, uh-huh.

Tyra Mail! tells the girls that a runway is a terrible place for excess baggage. They immediately recognize this to mean that they’ll be carrying bags on the runway. Wow. Two for two on the Tyra Mail. Someone’s got some brain cells bumping together this season. Before the challenge, though, Wind In Her Face has to get that Jheri Curl taken care of. She comes back looking absolutely the same to me, only with a hairline so far back on her skull that it bears a striking resemblance to Queen Elizabeth 1. She is so far beyond a five head, that she’s basically a twelve-pack head. The other girls gush over the change. Press on regardless.

The girls are going to walk in Jill Stuart’s Spring Runway Show. Walking and carrying shopping bags. And practicing their runway etiquette. This means no body checking the other models with their bags. Ann Shockett, editrix of 17 magazine will be in the front row with Miss Jay and Jill Stuart, evaluating the girls. And we’re off. Celia starts, and, as one would expect, rocks it. Natalie gets half way back up the runway and does a Mary Tyler Moore “She’s Gonna Make It After All” twirl, swinging her bags. Miss Jay and the rest of the front row are horrified. Natalie voices over how confident she is that she just raised the bar on giving good runway. LondonComeToJesus gets into the music and doesn’t even know she’s on the runway. In a good way. For Jesus. Nijah carries her bags in one hand, and Miss Jay just shakes her head. AllisonKeaneLemur says that she’s scared of narrow spaces, and walking on a runway is going to be scary. She clomps her way down and back, and despite her fears, does not fall off. Fo took Miss Jay’s advice from the morning before and radiates energy and confidence. Go Fo.

Backstage, Jill and Ann give the girls their critique. Jill was thrilled to open her show with Celia, who looked angelic. Fo had a huge personality. Wind In Her Face was a leetle bit stiff, AllisonKeaneLemur was cute and quirky. (And, no. She isn’t. She looks like some big-eyeballed bobble head. She’s just a fly and a blood vessel away from being a Big Daddy Roth Rat Fink.) Natalie had a beautiful walk, right up until she twirled and then she sucked. Tahlia needs more confidence. She was a little weak in the walk. And Nijah was pretty and feminine and needs to walk stronger. The prize will be clothes from the collection, chosen by Jill. She decides to give them to Natalie, despite the twirling debacle. Natalie takes this the way one expects from the smarmy, overconfident girl: she gloats. Then she gloats a little more and points out that she won, even though she screwed up, and that has just got to be intimidating to the rest of the poor loser girls.

As a poster-sized photo of Tyra stares disapprovingly from the wall over her shoulder, Tahlia talks on the phone to her sister, admitting that she’s had her confidence shaken and that she’s ready to come home. Tahlia’s sister gives her a pep talk. Be strong. What doesn’t get you thrown out of the house makes you stronger. Tyra Mail! warns the girls to give it their all tomorrow or they might get thrown under the bus. Only if Natalie and Sandra are standing in the back row, if you know what I mean.

Morning breaks over the lovely island of Manhattan, and the girls see Mr. Jay, wearing the weirdest freaking hat, come out of a double-decker sight-seeing bus. I can’t really pay attention to his speech about the shoot because I cannot figure out what the hell is on his head. It is seamless, and looks like the love child of an equestrian helmet and a baseball cap. Is is felt? Is it molded from fuzzy blanket material? It is blue, that’s for damned sure. The Number Three Surrogate Daughter is just as dumbfounded. In fact, the entire population of Miz Shoes living room quits talking and gapes at the blue helmetcapcloche thing. The RLA and his college pal are dumbstruck. The college pal’s daughter (who shall be known from this point forward as The MB-ette, and who has decided to join us for ANTM bashing on a regular basis) just looks at us and shrugs. I got nothin’ she says. The college pal’s son has a glazed look and can’t form words. The blue is really quite contrasty with Mr. Jay’s orange skin.

Anyway. They will be taking the bus around Manhattan, stopping in iconic places, and doing shoots pretending to be creatures who would naturally inhabit those places. The photographer is Mike Rosenthal, an ANTM semi-regular. Again, and this seems to be a trend this season, the girls will be doing shoots in groups. First up: Wall Street and Fo and Aminat are (power) brokers. They are propped with a lap top and a cell phone. They both get into it, role play and bounce off of each other. It’s a great shoot. Heading north, we go to SoHo, where Kortnie and Nijah are supposed to be Artist and Muse. Which is a joke, because I don’t think working artists have been able to afford SoHo in about 20 years. It’s also a joke because the two of them can’t interact to save their lives. Nor can they pose. They are lame and lamer. Nijah later confessionalizes about the shoot and wearing an American flag do-rag. What is it with head gear this season? Everybody seems to be sporting the do-rag.

Further up town, we have Sandra and Celia and a pram, as the two blondes portray overly-fabulous nannies. They, too, have some chemistry between them and work well together. AllisonKeaneLemur and LondonComeToJesus are supposed to be snotty Upper East Side frenemies. AllisonKeaneLemur is wearing a black sequined leather bar cap, perched in/on her hair. It is not a good look.They are supposed to be telling a story. Neither one can come up with anything. Together they are flatter than, well, they are almost as flat as Kortnie and Nijah. Then we see AllisonKeaneLemur confessionalizing with what seems to be a giant, knitted, baby pink and blue Easter egg on her head. It might be a Rasta knit hat, but it isn’t flopping down filled with dreads, and it isn’t being worn back off her forehead, and it isn’t red, green, black and yellow. It is a HUGE, pink and baby blue conehead dome. I have no idea what she was babbling about, either. The #3SD and the MB-ette both look to me for words of comfort and wisdom. I shrug. I got nothin.

We end at Times Square, where Natalie, Tahlia and Wind In Her Face will be posing as tourists. This should be a slam dunk. It isn’t. Wind In Her Face has a giant pretzel. She takes a bite out of it. Mr. Jay tells her to lose the mouthful, and instead of swallowing, she spits it out. Big, gooey, wet, chewed up pretzel blargh goes over the high side and probably hit some Japanese tourists. So much for poise, grace and elegance. Tahlia was the star of the shoot, and Natalie trash talks her for it. Of course. With that, we are ready to go to judging. AllisonKeaneLemur is scared of judging. Of course. And narrow spaces. And she wishes she had nose bleeds. This child is odd.

Our guest judge today is Jill Stuart. Since they took group photos, they will get group critiques. We begin with Kortnie and Nijah. They did not tell the story of artist and muse. They had nothing about them that said SoHo. Nijah, in particular, sucked. Fo and Aminat are called up and Paulina declares that they both look like models at panel today and that this has now made her happy, as has their most excellent shot. Celia and Sandra are next, and before anyone can go anywhere, Miss Jay tells Sandra that her knees are ashy, and she should spit on her hand and shine them up a little. Their photo garners some raves. So editorial! So NOT nannies, and that’s a good thing. Nigel loves Sandra.

Tahlia/Wind In Her Face and Natalie failed the Times Square Tourist shot. Natalie just phoned it in and was Not In The Moment. Wind In Her Hair has nice teeth, and you could see all three hundred of them, all the way to her tonsils. LondonComeToJesus and AllisonKeaneLemur did not fare well either. Paulina tells AllisonKeaneLemur that she “looks like a hung over Olsen twin.” Schnort. Good one, Paulina. Worthy of La Dickenson herself. LondonComeToJesus gets the damning praise of looking “pretty.” We see a commercial of which former contestant is actually working, and it’s all about Binaca of the Stank Attitude. Apparently she’s the new face of Barbados tourism, or some other Caribbean island. Good for her. We also see that, despite bitching a blue streak when Tyra cut off all of HER hair, she is still working the shaved head full time. Hah. And snap.

Back in the judging room, Paulina says that Kortnie may have more potential than she originally thought, and Nigel says, prissily, that for a shot that was supposed to represent Artist and Muse, it was neither artistic nor amusing. Oooooh, Nigel has his bitch pants on today. You go, Nigel (call me). Nijah is a pretty yawn. Fo, Aminat, Sandra and Celia are all great. Natalie, Wind In Her Face and Tahlia get a pass, but there is some major hating on Natalie. LondonComeToJesus is called pretty and AllisonKeaneLemur is called disappointing. She can do better. She can?

Eleven girls, ten photos. Sandra gets the first photo, and it will be displayed in the house with Celia cropped out. Mean. The rest of the pictures go to Aminat, Tahlia, Fo, Celia, Kortnie, LondonComeToJesus, Wind In Her Face (Tyra says the hair is better now, and so it must be), and Natalie. Ha. Close to the bottom, there, ego-girl. Nijah and Allison are called up for their final dressing down. Nijah is so beeeyoutiful, but she gets lost on film. Allison is a fucking freakazoid, but when you photograph her, she looks like nobody or nothing special. So who goes and who stays? Nijah goes home for being bland and pretty, and AllisonKeaneLemur gets to hang on until Tyra is tired of trying to make this sow’s ear into a silk purse.

Next week, the return of the Drag Queens, Benny Ninja and Celia plots to kick someone off for not wanting it enough. Who would have thought that Celia would be the ringleader of a backstabbing?

Surrogate Daughter Number Three on the couch? Check.

Wine poured? Check.

Brocolli rabe simmering in olive oil, garlic, lemon juice and white wine, waiting to get tossed over pasta? (Carbohydrate loading is important when viewing anorexic girls) Check.

Why, it must be time for the bitches and the hos! And we open on a view of NYC at night. Really, I cannot play a drinking game while watching ANTM, or I’ll die of alcohol poisoning. I can’t even keep track of the cliches. Let’s just assume that it’s all trite, and move along. AllisonKeanetheLemur is confessionalizing about something or another. I couldn’t tell you what, exactly, as I was utterly mesmerized by her beige mummy wrap which she had spiraling around her head. In the kitchen, Sandra and Animat are having a throw down over breathing each other’s air, or something equally inane and pointless. Sandra is wearing a Mammy-style head wrap. What is it with the do-rags on this batch of hamsters? Sarah flounces off, saying that she ain’t paying anyone else no nevermind, because “it is all about me.” Huh. Who’d a thunk that?

Tyra Mail tells the girls something about turning heads. They have no idea what this means. As ever. In the morning, they hit the street to find their new ANTM chariot awaiting: it is a pink stretch limo. So much for the going green of yesteryear. One of the hamsters describes it thusly: It’s pink. PINK!!! And it has these lines going all over it. That would be called “Plaid”, darlin’. It’s an old invention. You might want to brush up on some of that technical fashion lingo. In her defense, Miz Shoes would probably have been struck dumb her own self, faced at that wee hour of the morning with a pink stretch limo with lime green and purple plaid, like Lilly Pulitzer on bad acid.

Cut to the Two Jays at Bergdorf Goodman’s. They are engaged in some painful dialog with Miss Tyra over a badly animated i-phone, in which the conceit is Mission Impossible. There are dossiers. There is gaggingly bad acting. There is no need to linger on this memory. The girls arrive for their make overs, and are taken to John Barrett’s salon, somewhere in Bergdorf’s. They are told that they will not know what they are getting until they’re done. OK, let’s go.

Jessica gets edgy, shorter hair with a wave and a little red undertones. She takes another awful picture. Sandra gets her head shaved down to fuzz and bleached blonde. It pains me to say that she totally rocks it and doesn’t bat an eyelash. AllisonKeanetheLemur gets a big blonde weave and looks like a Walter Keane painting of Heather Graham. She says it makes her feel like a mermaid. OK. Nijah, who is really beautiful and doesn’t get any airtime admits that she hadn’t washed her hair in two weeks. The guys at the sink say that they’re going to have to toss the sink. Ick. She gets a long weave. Fo is too cute, so she gets a short, short boy cut. She sobs. Celia’s cheekbones need to shine, so her hair gets chopped into a Bridget Neilson sort of high faux hawk. Someone voices over that her hair was as dry as Gandhi’s sandal. Pretty funny. Animat’s fro turns out to be a weave, and it is cut off. Miss Jay waltzes around the salon wearing it like a bolero. Instead, she is given the Naomi Campbell, Cherokee Nation Cher long, straight weave. It takes her beauty down about twenty notches, and makes her look like the love child between Danielle and TiffanyfromtheHood.

plus

equals

Kortnie is too tan, so she gets red hair. It actually looks good. LondonComeToJesus gets some short, yellow blonde Twiggy cut, and rocks it for Jesus. Natalie has a melt down and cries and cries and says that she can’t let them cut her hair and has a freak out and then, GOTCHA!!! They weren’t going to cut her hair at all. Or dye it. Or do anything at all to her, they just were testing her desire and trust levels. Creepy. This pisses off the rest of the hamsters who don’t get why Natalie is considered “perfect” as is. Teyona gets a slick Jeri Curl weave. Tahlia gets a lion’s mane big blonde weave and it sucks.

Sarah trash talks Fo for crying over her hair. Then Fo gets in the confessional with yet another freakin’ do-rag and sobs and sobs and says that she’s never felt ugly a day in her life, even when she was living on food stamps in a shelter with her moms, but now, she has to hide her hair to feel pretty. Miz Shoes just wants to know how these girls have all managed to get to this point in their lives without ever having a bad hair cut. If Miz Shoes had cried over every bad hair cut she had as a child, she would have been dehydrated until she was 18 and in college, when the shag first reared its choppy head. It is the shame of Miz Shoes’ life that the shag, in all its variations, including and particularly the Roger Daltry in the 80s version, has always been the best hairstyle she’s ever worn. For the shag alone, Miz Shoes is accepting of the 80s revival.

The Challenges

Then Jessica confessionalizes that there isn’t anything that anyone could do to make her ugly. Except, one supposes, film her egocentricism and broadcast it for the world to see. That seems to be doing it for me. Moving on, we see Sutan (who’s looking good this season) and Elyssa Starkman, the Cover Girl liaison. They explain to the eager little hamsters that since there isn’t a WalMart in Manhattan (thank you Jeebus) they have brought the Cover Girl/WalMart make-up display to the girls. Their challenge will be to wander around in whatever part of town they have created this display set, grab a total random stranger who embodies the Cover Girl gestalt, and drag her in and sell her the new line of eye-color enhancing mascara. Which, to my further shame, sound interesting enough to try. The girls are broken into teams, and the winning team will get a photo shoot and ad somewhere. I don’t know where, because the pasta water was boiling, and the brocolli rabe needed stirring, and I was in the kitchen. The teams are Sandra, Animat and Celia, and there is surprising little drama in that combo. Fo, Kortnie and Wind In Her Face; Jessica, Tahlia and LondonComeToJesus, who have the best make up skills, but Sutan tells them that this isn’t America’s Next Top Make Up Artist and their sales skills were dismal. The last group is AllisonKeaneLemur, Natalie and Nijah. They are critiqued as taking the make up to the girl, not dragging the girl to the make up display. If you’re paying attention, this means that the Sandra/Animat/Celia team is the winner.

Next is the obligatory dinner out scene. They go to an African restaurant, which means that Sandra is lording it up. Animat is of legal drinking age, and wants a glass of wine. This prompts warnings from Sandra not to get drunk, and devolves into yet another Aminat/Sandra girl fight about class: who’s got it, who don’t. It’s sort of a draw, in that Sandra is saying that Animat is all trashy, which is blatant. A classy girl would just sniff that Animat is “interesting, bless her heart.”

Tyra Mail: How many girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb? All of them, because none of them have the slightest clue what this might mean, other than another photo shoot. They head off in the ghastly pink plaid Barbie Limo to a dark alley. There, Mr. Jay throws a light switch and tells them that the shoot will be all about lighting. They will have to light and direct themselves. The photographer is our own Nigel Barker (call me). He tells them that it’s a rock and roll theme, which means big hair, Trash and Vaudeville clothing, and a lot of eye make up. The girls are handed light bars (technical note: they are slave units, which means that when Nigel shoots, they are triggered by photo sensors which detect the main strobes going off) and told to work it. They will be shooting in groups. AllisonKeaneLemur is up first and Finds The Camera.

Nijah is disappointing to Nigel, because she has no passion. Jessica is underlighting herself. Mr. Jay explains it as holding a flashlight under one’s chin to make a horror face when telling ghost stories around the camp fire. She continues to do it, anyway. Nigel says that she didn’t understand the concept and couldn’t feel the light. (The pasta was done at that moment, and #3SD took over the notes). Animat takes risks and gives a crotch shot. (NICE. Missed that) Celia is in the background, and upstages Animat. Sandra stands smirking in the background. Celia understands the concept and how to work the lights, and does the best so far. Sandra (of course) is overthinking and looks bored. She needs more attitude, but ends up giving more character.?

Kortnie bores Nigel to tears, and he rips through the required number of shots without comment or direction or feeling. LondonComeToJesus complains that having to light oneself is Not What Models Do. Wind In Her Face is a genius and throws down some amazing poses. Fo is too nervous, and has completely lost her mojo with her hair. She actually cries on set. Mr. Jay asks Fo if without the sassy do she feels like a Plain Jane, and she says no, that she feels like Plain Jane’s brother! Sting! Natalie takes beautiful shots and gets lots of compliments all around.

Panel/Judging

Prizes. Judges. The guest judge today is Nole Marin who used to be a judge back in the first couple of seasons. He does not have his little dog with him today. Miss Jay’s schtick this year is going to be her stupid bowtie. It’s going to get bigger and have more layers each time a girl goes home. Good lord. No. Please. Just. No.

Fo is up first and given a beat down for letting her make over get the best of her. Tyra explains that only girls with beautiful faces get short hair. Miz Shoes will let that slide, and not review every slag she’s put into a boy cut. Nole tells Fo to step it up and swallow the tears. Kortnie lit herself poorly and wasn’t feeling it. Maybe she needs a pit crew. Nijah is wearing a pink blouse that Nigel/Tyra/Miss Jay and Nole all gag over. She’s told that she looks like she’s wearing her nightshirt to panel. Then they tell her that she has dead eyes in her photos. LondonComeToJesus is “willing to go there” whatever that means. Ah. It means her photos are good.

AllisonKeaneLemur is the poster girl for looking like an alien is beautiful. If they say so. Her photos aren’t bad.

Paulina gets her licks in at Sandra, whom she states “radiates dullness.” Schnort. There is no tension in her poses. Tyra demonstrates tension. Celia works it, displays tension in her photos and took fierce pix. As much as she’s older than dirt, and sorta smooshy faced, girlfriend knows her fashion shit. She always comes to panel dressed to impress. She knows how to take a picture. She could go all the way, except, you know, she has talent and we don’t much care for talent on ANTM. Jessica gets a put down from Nole who says she may be a novella star where she comes from, but not here. Snap! Tahlia isn’t modeling, she isn’t giving tension, she’s just a girl with… (and here my notes end. A girl with big dreams? A girl with big scars? A girl with a light stick?) Natalie comes to panel wearing a dress with doilies for sleeves. Nole proves that Tyra was wrong when she let him go (and needs to bring him back stat!) when he looks at this and exclaims “Do you girls even look in the mirror before you come here?” Wind In Her Hair totally rocked the shoot, but seeing the Jeri Curl weave, Tyra is not happy, and tells her that the weave will have to go. Animat got lost in the crowd in her pictures.

The judges deliberate thusly: blahblahblah, Paulina is disappointed in how dead Nijah photographs. Sandra has no personality. (Sure she does. It’s just stank.) AllisonKeaneLemur fierce alien. Celia is always on the catwalk at panel. Paulina is not convinced that Tahlia can model. Jessica is a “disaster, disaster, disaster” (that must have come from Nole). Wind In Her Face is fantastic on set. Animat is so awful (that weave, people, it stole her mojo) that Nole can’t even look at the pictures.

12 Beautiful Girls, 11 Photos

Wind In Her Face (Teyona) gets the first photo and the news that the Jeri Curl has got to go. She’ll be looking different next week. Celia. AllisonKeaneLemur. Natalie. LondonCometoJesus. Nijah. Tahlia. Sandra the Drama Llama. Kortnie the Pit Lizard. Aminah (bring tension!!) and Fo and Jessica are the last two. Who will stay? Will it be poor Fo who lost her mojo when they cut her hair and she even (gasp!) cried about it on set? Or will is be the pretty girl who doesn’t translate to film and who relies on pretty? Oh, come on. Like you can’t see this coming a mile away? How many seasons have we been watching this train wreck? Of course the pretty girl goes home to learn humility and fierceness, and the sobbing wreck stays to sack up and make a come-from-the-bottom redemption.

Next week? Miss Jay’s Charm School. One can only imagine.

Previously, there was much squealing, bitch-fighting and bad acting. Now, we are off to New York City with our fabulous final thirteen. Let’s review, shall we: