Here is your humble narrator, age 2. She is dressed (by her mother) for Halloween. Note the skirt. My mother was very fond, in later years, of showing it to anyone who would hold still long enough. It was all of 12 inches long, and my mother never ceased to marvel at how it came to my ankles. I was such a tiny, tiny child.

Anyway, except for the scuffed mary janes, my wardrobe is today, some 50 (very) odd years later, almost identical. I still wear too much jewelry, hangy-downy earrings and maxi skirts. Also, not so much with the do-rags. But basically, this is still me.

Happy Halloween.

Did you guys miss me? I missed you. All of you. Both of you. Terribly. I had no idea how much I am tied to the world by my laptop, my blog, my twitter feed, until my laptop died. Right after I posted my Project Runway recap two weeks ago, the hard drive in this machine went belly up.

I had to buy a new hard drive and bribe a Mac Genius with home made pie, but we were able to recover all my data and so here I am, and with SO MUCH to say.

First up, though, I must get the code set for RJ’s Great Halloween Tweet. I have a little something for you.

Miz Shoes is feeling a bit dyspeptic since this week’s Project Runway.

Previously, on Project Snoozefest, we saw an episode entitled “On the Blue Bore-you” where-in Irina is replaced by her evil twin and wins and Louise emotes blankly into oblivion.

But that was then and this is now, and we see bacon and Logan, and women applying make up. Something for everyone. Carol Hannah is sad because Louise is gone. Gordana came to America with nothing and now has everything. Evil Twin Irina gloats that she’s won twice and no longer trusts anyone, so no matter how nice they are to her face, no telling what they’re saying behind her back. In case you wondered, Logan interviews that now that Irina has won twice, she’s full of herself. Logan is not yet aware that this is the Evil Twin.  Christopher recognizes that he has to step up his game, and Miz Shoes takes her first shot in the “Drink to Cliches” game.

Heidi announces the challenge: New Models. Women who can still fit into their wedding dresses, who are now divorced or in the process of becoming so, and who are eager to have new design mistakes made from the ones they made when they bought them, however long ago. Mistakes of youth, Miz Shoes says, are quite excusable, especially in the areas of bad clothing and bad first husbands.

Irina gets the first pick and grabs the one with the absolute most yardage: something between a George Washington Milkmaid and a “Southern Belle”. There is mileage, not yardage, of shiny white lace. You know Nicolas was jealous. Epperson gets second and goes for a nicer fabric. Logan grabs something that reveals to be pulling a twelve-foot train. Nicolas, Carol Hannah (clouds of tulle), Gordana nabs the hippie (of course), Althea grabs the appliqués and Shirin is stuck with a short woman wearing a sleeveless, white column dress. There is nothing to work with and Shirin knows it and won’t shut up about her handicap for the rest of the episode, so forgive your author if she sums the general content of Shirin’s endless rants (“OMG! Like, LIFE is so not fair. I have 2 yards of polyester and a psycho client and no clue and no time and OMG!! Wahwahwahwahwah”) in all future references as Wah-Wah-Whaah.

Just to twist the knife, winner will get immunity…the last one of the season. And they have till midnight. It’s another one-day challenge. In come the gay divorcees. Gordana is planning on going punk. Well, we’ve moved to the late 70s. Shirin’s client wants to be a Half-Breed Cher Barbie with a peacock feather headdress. Again, Miz Shoes is inclined to forgive as, when she was 30 and had the chance to commission a mask from the then-president of New Orleans’ Maskmakers Guild, asked specifically for a crest of peacock feathers. And got them. Nicolas meets his

his client, who demands crunchy-granola, animal-crueltry-free fabrics only. At Mood, the final blow: they can buy only 2 yards of fabric total, and whatever findings, trims, thread, etc. they need.

Epperson is clearly dazed and confused, glassy-eyed, even. Logan grabs two yards of the widest tweed he can find, heedless of color, drape or quality. Shirin: Wah-Wah-Whaah. Carol Hannah says that she makes her living making wedding dresses and this is like cannibalism, cutting one apart. Evil Irina finds the concept of shredding the mistakes of the past quite empowering. Gordana dyes fabric (steel grey/blue/plum) in the lady’s room, in a Styrofoam cooler, then calls her kids, only to talk to the answering machine, and cry. Epperson thinks that the challenge is to use the least amount of wedding dress possible. Did Epperson take a blow to the head and we were not shown the footage? Shirin: Wah-Wah-Whaah

Tim’s walkabout begins with Christopher. Tim and Christopher agree that the client’s taste level is non-existent, her (apparent, but perhaps unfortunate genetics) plastic surgery bad, and that she is just asking to be dressed like a cliché cougar. Does that qualify for a second shot? Irina has managed to dye her poly into a sort of toast or strong tea color. Tim tells Epperson to use the damn wedding dress, fool. Logan is going back to his design well for a: wait for it: suit. Tim fears the sheer quantity of the trouser fabric. But, whines Logan, she didn’t want a dress.

Gordana’s doing a sort of mummy wrap dress, fitted to the body, a gorgeous shade of grey, and with all the visible seam edges frayed. Tim tells her that her mantra must be “I’m going to win.” Shirin: Wah-Wah-Whaah. Tim: Get it together. Throw away this mess and focus. Eyes on the prize. That woman isn’t going to be here next week, and if you listen to her, neither will you be. One last reminder to Epperson that the wedding dress had to be the core of the design, and our Mr. Gunn is gone.

Epperson comes to from his walking nightmare to discover that he never was asleep. This isn’t a dream, he screwed the pooch on this challenge and he’d better start over. Logan starts over, too. Shirin, inspired by Mr. Gunn, does the “As God as my witness” soliloquy from Gone With the Wind, followed by an encore of Wah-Wah-Whaah.

Enter the gay divorcees for their fittings. Nicolas is seen briefly showing off a beige vest that appears to be basketweave, or quilted stripping, or something pretty cool. Shirin’s client asks what she’s been up to all day that this is what there is to show for it. And we cut from must certainly devolve into a fist fight, to the next morning where the designers are preparing for runway day. Shirin: Wah-Wah-Whaah. Epperson is still walking around like zombies ate his brains, and yet his client is delighted with her dress and tells Epperson that he gets her style. Althea and Gordana also get the love from their clients. Christopher is doing something with sheer over a black body garment, cinching in the waist with a little bit of black lace. She looks like a lamp shade from a Goth brothel. As Nicolas’ little lady raves over his garment, Nicolas admits that the piece has become a travesty, but it is a travesty that makes his client happy and hopefully, won’t send him home.

The ModelsoftheRunway try to teach these women to stomp a catwalk. Not pretty. Backstage madness: Shirin’s dress’ zipper gets stuck. Wah-Wah-Whaah.Logan is ready to cry because even he can tell that his suit is a disaster of Ishtar proportions. Evil Twin Irina talks trash about everyone else.

Heidi intros the judges: Michael Kors, Z-named Marie Claire person, Tamara Mellon (founder of Jimmy Choo). Irina’s dress is a kimono, and it has dyed up very pretty. Shirin’s dress is short, fitted, and has a surface pattern made of machine embroidery in black thread. It’s nice enough. Logan’s pant suit is awful. Carol Hannah has made something strapless that looks flapper-ish, with the sort of self-fabric flappy fringing that whatever his name was from that other, entertaining season loved to attempt and fail. Althea has made blue. I guess she was still thinking about last week. This was not a do-over. There is a lot of princess seaming showing. Nicolas has made olive green pants to go with that vest. By the time he added all the wickety wack on top of the basic shape, you can no longer see what had looked to have such promise.

Gordana’s mummy wrap is great, even paired with black hooker boots, which is how Gordana styled her. You can take the girl out of Eastern Europe, but… Christopher’s client is completely unaware of how ludicrous she looks and takes that runway like she owns it. It is embarrassingly short for a woman of her age. Rode hard and put up wet, as we say. Mutton dressed as lamb. Epperson sends out a bolero over a full skirt, with a tight bodice and scoopy neck. The bodice is criss-crossed with Epperson’s signature strippy appliqué/layering. Miz Shoes loves the silhouette. Miz Shoes has owned that very dress as often as possible. It is the perfect look for a woman of Miz Shoes shape: narrow in the waist and full in the hips and bust. You accentuate that waist for all you are worth. Ask Mae West or Dolly Parton.

The judges send Carol Hannah, Nicolas and Althea away and turn to the remaining designers. Gordana’s strapless dress was made only from the lining fabric of her wedding dress. It is edgy and chic, says Michael Kors. Shows the woman’s shape. Christopher, though… Christopher explains that his client is an actress (Phoebe Price, meet your future) and needs this dress to go to parties and network. This evokes cries of “Oh, honey, no. Do NOT go to an industry party in that” and “Only if you want to end up on the worst-dressed list” from the judges. MK manages a feeble disco hefty bag insult before they round on Epperson.

Oh, Epperson. Miz Shoes would wear that dress. Miz Shoes would rock that dress, despite it being white. Miz Shoes has in the past rocked that dress. Miz Shoes would have given you high marks for that dress. Alas, Miz Shoes was not a judge. Heidi shrieks that it reeks of Oktoberfest, and someone else says it looks like a pirate wench. Shirin’s client says that she thinks that the dress is too safe, and it wasn’t what she wanted and Wah-Wah-Whaah. When Tamara Mellon says that she likes it, Shirin’s client begins cooing that it IS fabulous.

Logan is dispirited and says that he just did what the client wanted, as if that excuses the pants. Heidi says that the top is another Oktoberfest costume, and Tamara calls the whole thing a tragedy. Even the client has to admit that she wouldn’t wear it on a first date. The love is pouring down like rain upon Evil Twin Irina.

Who did the judges like? Shirina, who didn’t listen to her client, but did something nice instead. They didn’t have to listen to the Wah-Wah-Whaah, or they might not have been so generous. Gordana finally did something edgy and not safe. She can design in addition to sew. Evil Twin Irina’s dress is so sexy, yet age-appropriate, which is Michael Kors code for it looks a little Mother of the Bride, but I like it. Epperson’s dress is called a theme party without a party. Logan did something too matronly, too unattractive and too badly sewn to be tolerated. Christopher’s dress was too much and too short and would be noticed in a bad, worst-dressed list way. (Second time the judges said that, so DRINK)

And, Shirin is in. Gordana is the winner (and about time she got some recognition). Evil Twin Irina is in, and she is not happy to come in second. Christopher, for reasons completely unknown, is allowed to stay, which leaves Logan and Epperson in the bottom two and Epperson gone.

You’re kidding me, right? Epperson’s dress was in no way uglier or more poorly made than Christopher’s. Further, if the argument is that Epperson went to his safe silhouette (volume below, raggedy things sewn down randomly, corselet at the waist) then the same argument could be made about Christopher and his bubbles and ascots/bibs, which suffer from the additional charge of being butt-ugly.

The wrong person went home and Miz Shoes has been dyspeptic ever since. Next week sees the return of NinaGarcia, and a challenge that involves a multi-Grammy winning singer and Bob Mackie. Even Lifetime couldn’t be that obvious, could they? Other than Elton John, who could it be? Cher?

The Set Up

Gordana is comparing Project Runway to the Olympics. Miz Shoes thinks that maybe the steroids are wearing off, and she’s losing her advantage in the dead lift. Logan has to move in with the other boys. Louise is going to take the “judges” words to heart and try to go over the top this week. Do you think we can start a drinking game where every time one of these BORING ASS HACKS utters a cliché we can take a shot of scotch? It might make the hour go by faster, or at least numb us to the fact that this is The Worst Season Ever on Project Runway. Maybe we can change the name to Project Snoozefest while we’re at it. Nicolas (who isn’t talented enough, or entertaining enough to refer to him as Daniel Franco Lite anymore) makes all the boys take a pinkie swear to try and get Shirin thrown off.

Heidi tells the “designers” that this challenge will be colorful. Tim is in the workroom. Despite seeing designers with dye-stained hands in the promos for the episode, there is nothing to do with dye. In fact, we see the same dye-stained hands in the promo for next week’s show, which makes Miz Shoes even crankier than usual. How much mix and match editing did they do with the confessionals this year? Are the comments we’re hearing not even germane to the challenges? Feh. And double feh.

No, the challenge is to create two related, boring-ass looks for the boring-ass house brand of Macy’s: INC. And to make it even more boring, they will have to use blue. The winner will be commissioned to create an exclusive holiday dress for Macy’s and INC. To jack up the alleged drama, this will be a team challenge and maybe two “designers” will be sent home. They are given INC dossiers to review the line, 15 minutes to sketch and then each will pitch to Martine Reardon, the executive VP of marketing for Macy’s. Epperson seems to be the only one to realize that these looks have nothing to do with them as artists, and everything to do with Macy’s being able to slog it to the masses.

Althea pitches a high-waisted, wide legged denim pant. Logan, a sweater dress. Nicolas has ideas about a leather vest. Christopher is going for work-to-happy hour in a men’s shirtdress. Gordana is pitching a 70s revival. Gah. Growing up in a post-Soviet Czech Republic has given her some serious taste issues. Shirin pitches something for work.

Martine chooses her team leaders: Irina, Althea (I like team challenges because I’m always the leader), Carol Hannah, Louise and Christopher. Those five choose their teammates. Althea gets first pick and snatches up Logan. Christopher recognizes, and opts for Epperson. Louise inexplicably goes for Nicolas.  Irina shows her style of leadership by asking which of the remaining two designers want to work with her, and Gordana, not wanting to be known as the girl left on the playground that nobody wanted, says that she’d LOVE to work with Irina. And that leave Carol Hannah and Shirin.

At Mood, they have 20 minutes to buy fabric. Nobody will get immunity this week. Although using solids isn’t explicit in the instructions, nobody chooses a print. Nor do they choose anything other than true blue, baby blue or navy blue. Well, except Christopher/Epperson, who picks up some hideous teal charmeuse, and a shiny striped shirting. Carol Hannah and Shirin, with no clear direction in mind, just grab some of everything. Irina is already regretting Gordana, and Louise is so scatterbrained that she loses the money and her sketches.

Back at the workroom, Irina starts complaining that it’s too much work to be the leader. Louise has directed Nicolas to make a navy blue, fitted dress with ruffles. He hates ruffles. He hates them real hard. They suck, ruffles do. Unlike, you know, cheap white lace and feathers. Epperson and Christopher are in love. They are so happy together. How is the weather?

The Work Room and Tim’s Walkabout

Louise is making bird noises to herself while she works and nobody finds that annoying, like Shirin making noises was annoying. Not annoying is Logan. Althea is happy to be working with Logan. Everybody likes Logan. The straight girls and the gay boys. Gordana and Irina hate working with each other. Tim, on his walkabout, hates leggings. Carol Hannah and Shirin call themselves Team Awesome. Does that qualify for a shot? Tim isn’t happy with the asymmetrical ruffle on the Louise/Nicolas dress. Althea/Logan have made a modern take on a woman’s suit. If Tim says so. Tim says that the “conundrum” with Christopher and Epperson is that the textiles in their two looks don’t go together at fucking all.

Although their model loves the skirt, CH and Shirin assure her that it is way too tight and that she is working a runway, not a corner on the old Times Square. Irina and Gordana continue to whine about each other. Louise admits that she sucks at time management and Nicolas reminds us that ruffles are the work of Satan himself and their only use is to cover flaws. But, he says, WTF. He’s got immunity. He’s not the team leader, and so he’s just doing Louise’s bidding. Irina, not content to bitch about her own teammate, disses the work of Carol Hannah and Shirin, saying it looks like cheap crap at a discount store. Sniff. With the clock counting down to midnight, the “designers” all have a laugh at the departed Ra’Mon, saying this is the hour when he’d scrap his design and start over. True enough.

Fast-forward over the usual last minute rushes, anxieties, prideful gloating and nail biting worrying. Gordana thinks her blouse is good. It isn’t. Christopher thinks they might win; they won’t. Louise isn’t going to get her work finished. It’s all been done and done to death. Let’s just move on to the “judges” and the runway, shall we?

Runway& Judging

Praise the lord! Michael Kors is back in the chair. Zoe Glassner is out and some other Z-named editor for Marie Claire is in. Martine of Macy’s and Heidi round out the numbers. Let’s walk!

Irina/Gordana: a tent dress with a halter-top and color blocking. That awful baby blue chiffon top and a pencil skirt. Althea/Logan: Their little tight skirt keeps riding up the model’s ass, and the slit gets dangerously close to girlybits before she finally exits the runway. Their other look is boring pants and a tank top that doesn’t fit the model. Louise/Nicolas send out two dresses. One is dark with a light asymmetrical ruffle that looks like a misplaces tuxedo shirt bib, and the other is a ghastly ice blue with a navy blue asymmetrical caterpillar of chiffon running from neck to badly-sewn hem. There is also a bow in the back. CH/Shirin have something in with a high waist and two shades of blue. Then there is the tunic over leggings. The tunic is really lovely and there is interest at the neck of what appears to be an over-scale broderie-perse of the same fabric as the tunic itself. Christopher/Epperson have that shirtdress (well-tailored) and some wretched bubble top in that teal. The neck has a double ruffle that looks exactly like the double ruffle that was the back of the neck on the vampire bride outfit last week.

Althea and Logan leave, safe in their mediocrity. Louise and Nicolas; Christopher and Epperson have the lowest scores. Irina and Gordana; CH and Shirin have the highest. Really? Really. Carol Hannah and Shirin are given the love over their separates of boring. Irina pulls out all the bitch stops and even though she and Gordana are in the top two, tries to toss Gordana under the hackneyed bus by saying that she didn’t do a good enough job on the blouse, working with no direction. Heidi and Michael Kors both love the blouse though.

Louise is just jazzed to be on the runway getting personal and extended critiques. That changes to tears when Michael Kors calls her dress a bad bridesmaid with a shower loofah ruched up the center. Snerk. Christopher is reduced to tears within the first three sentences from MK. He calls the shirtdress 1979 librarian. Miz Shoes, while she is partial to the dress, has to admit it looks like one she had in 1976, which may or may not have been a Diane von Furstenberg wrap-dress knock-off. MK goes back to the well for his standard put-down: the teal charmeuse looks like a disco pumpkin. Miz Shoes is beginning to think that as much as she adores him, MK may have spent a few too many nights at Studio 54.

The designers are sent away to consider their fates as the “judges” decide who will stay and who will go now. After hearing a few lusterless lines about hanging well on the floor (and truer, but more unintentional words were never spoken, since most of the time when Miz Shoes goes to Macy’s at the Falls, half the garments are on the ground and not the racks, because apparently the floor staff at this Macy’s never had the retail mantra “if you aren’t actively waiting on a customer, you are straightening the stock” drilled into their heads. That vague seismic shiver? That’s just my dad and my grandfather, spinning.)

Shirin is in. Miz Shoes suspects that she’s the one responsible for that broderie perse. Irina is the winner of the challenge for her uninspired tent dress. Gordana and Carrol Hannah get a “good job” pat on their respective heads and are sent away. Epperson is in, thankfully. Nicolas gets a few harsh “you have no idea how lucky you are that you came into this challenge with immunity because we the judges find you as annoying and unlikeable and uninspired as the entire viewing audience” words from Heidi and a fish-eye from Mr. Kors and is sent off. Louise and Christopher are left. Christopher is told that the only thing his two looks had in common was cluelessness. Louise is told that her retro aesthetic is lame and even that is done with no eye to style or wearability and that she needs to take her stupid Louise Brooks bob and go home. Christopher gets to stay and cry another day.

Let’s make this quick: Ra’Mon is glad that Johnny’s gone so he can focus on design, not comforting Johnny’s neuroses. Nicolas is not here to make friends and he’s doing a fine job it. Nobody out here in the blogosphere likes him. Gordana was SHOCKED! to be in the bottom three. Speaking of the blogosphere, it is the general consensus out here that the judges all heartily dislike Gordana. Irana wants to win again.

Heidi on the runway tells the designers that they’ve been in El Lay long enough to see what the town is really all about: MOVIE MAKING!!!! Off they go to a sound stage and find Tim, Collier Strong and the magic velvet button bag. Their challenge today will be to chose a film genre, (Sci-Fi, Western, Action/Adventure, Period, or Noir) and to create a character. They must work with the make-up department to make their character come alive through wardrobe and make up.

Irina, as the winner, gets to chose her genre first. And in what is this reviewer’s first of many complaints, they are not forced to chose blindly, but can take what they want. Or at least the first few designers can. After Irina has carte blanche, there are two cards for each genre.

Irina goes for Noir, Logan takes Action/Adventure; Carol Hannah does too, saying she’s going to make a sexy assassin (ho-fucking-hum). Ra’Mon is a self-identifying Trekkie, so he leaps on the Sci-Fi. He’s stoked. Louise goes for (another SHOCKING development) Noir. As does Althea. Nicolas happily grabs the other Sci-Fi card and tells us (wait for it) that he’s always in Fantasyland, so this is a natural for him. Gordana grabs Period, as does Christopher, Shirin takes Western and poor, always last Epperson shrugs with defeat and takes the other Western card. I love Epperson. Have I said that before?

Shirin is going to make the best darn saloon girl in history. What a conceptual leap for a western character. Epperson considers his options and creates a story. Logan and Carol Hannah have side-by-side work tables and CH says that Logan is a huge distraction for her, being so hot and all. Logan doesn’t seem distracted by CH at all. They compare their sexy assassin wear.

Althea is going for a femme fatale. Another cliché from filmdom. Irina has immunity but wants to do something marvelous anyway. At Mood, there is half an hour and a mere $150 to spend. Christopher wants brocade, but it’s $30 a yard and he needs 7 yards. DanielFranco Lite wants to be experimental and daring. Good lord, do these people ever think outside of the box? I’m so bored with them all.

Wait! We are treated to A Minute with Epperson™. He says that he wanted period, was handed western, but with thought, figured out a way to treat a western as a period piece. He has created a character whose husband has gone off to war (Civil, one supposes) and is left to take care of the land. She has to toughen up. Gordana, with the entire history of the world at her disposal (period piece) has decided to do a flapper.

Today’s workroom drama is “who is stealing the bobbins?” Louise can find neither her bobbin nor a story line. She’s floundering around. DanielFranco Lite, on the other hand, has his story completely fleshed out. There are three sister queens who live on the stars in Orion’s belt. They watch over Earth. But one of them has decided that she wants to rule the entire universe. (That’s his girl.) The other sisters defeat her and send her to live in the ice caves of Planet Hoth. Ra’Mon has his story down, too. His character is a human slash lizard alien hybrid. He’s back to dying fabric green in the men’s room. More bobbin stealing. Oh NOES!

Trash talking in the work room: Logan says there’s still a lot of talent. Nicolas has lots of appliqué to do. Irina says Gordana can’t design. Tim comes for his walkabout and questions Christopher’s period piece (which, with the story line involving a vampire bride, has morphed into period sci-fi). Ostensibly a 19th century love story, the dress is sleeveless wedding dress, and Tim is concerned about the correctness of the style. Epperson has gone all Annie Get Your Gun and Tim is loving it. He is seduced by the denim ruffles. Ra’Mon is making either something sublime or a big hot mess: which exactly remains to be seen. Louise has completed an underslip. She shows her black fabrics to Tim who applauds her subtlety and nuance and then reminds her that these are not assets which show well on the runway.

DanielFranco Lite is using white for a villain. How mold-breaking! How daring! Tim tells him to go bigger and not to be safe but ambitious. This allows Nicolas to talk trash about Ra’Mon and opine that Sci-Fi is about beautiful women, and not Godzilla. Except, you know, it is. Ra’Mon, taking Tim’s criticism to heart, decides that his ensemble looks like Kermit the Frog gone bad, and not in a good way. Remembering that the last time he pulled something out of his ass at the last second he won the challenge, Ra’Mon decides to try that strategy again, and throws away his alien life form, certain that he can do something fabulous in two hours. Logan cocks an eyebrow at that. Nicolas is all OMG!!! Shirin is gonna make the best little saloon dress in the history of trite saloon dresses. Louise stitches right through her finger, and proving that she is, in fact an emotionless cyborg deadpans an “ouch” and keeps on sewing.

The morning of the runway dawns, and Logan is sure that he’ll get love from the judges, even though he’s wearing a shirt and the silver jeans are nowhere to be seen. Ra’Mon is sure that he’ll be in the middle of the pack. Gordana is making her own accessories, saying that they are the key to the flapper look. Epperson is gracious about everyone sticking to their genre and doing good work. He doesn’t think he’ll be sent home. As Tim calls time, Irina is sewing her model into some Frederick’s of Hollywood vamp costume. And we’re off.

Guest judges today are John Varvatos, Zoe Glassner and Arianne Philips who, the credits tell us was nominated for an Oscar for her costumes on something or another. Irina’s dress leads off the runway, and it’s long and black and has lace panels on the sides. Action/Adventure vinyl catsuit from Carol Hannah, with a sort of gold harness dangling off the hip. Shirin’s boring can-can dress that you could buy at any Halloween costume shop. Christopher’s bare-armed vampire bride in ivory and pink? With a blackish-tweedyish bustley thing. Nicolas’ silver and white evil ice queen from the planet Zardoz (her make up is astounding, though). Althea’s showing a pencil skirt with a sheer white bat-wing blouse over a black bustier or bra. Must be a film noir siren. Ra’Mon has a green leather lizard dress thing. Louise has made a black flapper dress, but it isn’t really. Epperson has a tattered western lady with leather and denim and boots and it’s gorgeous and Miz Shoes wants it. Gordana’s flapper is pitch perfect and gold. Logan has another black vinyl catsuited assassin and that’s a wrap.

Logan, Carol Hannah, Shirin, Irnia and Althea are safe. Gordana gets picked apart first. Yes, she has crafted an exquisite flapper. Ho-hum say the judges. Where’s the vision? Where’s the innovation? Gordana they say, has the hands of a dressmaker, but not the eyes of a designer.

DanielFranco Lite spins the story of the three sister queens, and the judges all say that oh, yes, they saw that the minute the model stepped on the runway. They knew her story from the clothes. Louise says that her girl is actually an actress from the 40s going to a party dressed as a flapper to get a part as a flapper in a movie about the 20s. Lame. And the judges call it a convoluted mess and a snooze fest. There is nothing strong or special, unlike say, Christopher, who is next. Oh, the accolades! Oh, the wow factor. Oh, how film-worthy. Oh, the love. Oh, the fitted bodice and full skirt, says Miz Shoes.

Ra’Mon gives it his best shot and says that his character is named Lola and she has come from Planet Lizard to mate with our Earth men, for whom she has an insatiable appetite. The judges disagree and say that she’s a swamp thing, a hot green mess and shoddily made.

Epperson’s western look is Fabulous! He “thought outside the box” (and he shows them the hidden details, like the thigh holster for her hidden gun. Miz Shoes wants that too, but for her flask.) There is bravado. There is a contemporary twist. Epperson has created something new from a tired genre, and it wasn’t even one he wanted to work on.

The judges caucus. Gordana is boring, Louise disappointing and Ra’Mon a shambles. They are sympathetic to his desire to create something new in only two hours, but tough titties. Nicolas finally used his favorite white and lace to great effect. The judges say that it would look better on film than on the runway, which makes Miz Shoes ask how teevee is different than film because it looks piss-poor on my hi-def set. Epperson was great. His model worked the dress. He paid attention to details. He worked within a genre he never wanted. He’s toast. Christopher was “perfection from every angle.”

Gordana is in. Epperson is in and robbed of his rightful victory. DanielFranco Lite is the winner and gets immunity for next week, alas. Christopher is merely in. Ra’Mon missed the mark entirely and Louise had no drama (even sewing her finger) and no sense of costume. Her skills and Ra’Mon’s lack thereof result in her staying for another week, and him going home. Tim is much more kind and loving when saying goodbye to Ra’Mon than he was to Johnny-the-Liar.

Next week they work in teams, do something involving dye and praise the lord, Michael Kors is back to take these clowns to school. Now. If only NinaGarcia would come back, too, we might have a show worth watching. And just so you know? Epperson wuz robbed.

Today started out badly, with me leaving my i-phone on the counter in the bathroom, and not noticing that it wasn’t in my purse until I was almost at the train station and it was too late to turn back and get it. That meant that I was subjected to the noise of the common crowd. And crowd it was, as the train was late, which meant it was also jammed to capacity.

Sooooo, about two stops in, some guy gets on the train and starts preaching, loudly. In Spanish.

Many years ago, when the then-boss at the then-job demanded I learn Spanish, I determined to learn only useful phrases. Hence, my conversational Spanish is limited to stuff like “go away, I have a gun” (vette, tengo una pistola), “what is your point” (qual es su punto), “another client from hell” (un otra cliente del infierno) and the ever popular “bite me.” Today, I had my vocabulary enhanced with this, which is possibly idiomatic, as the Cuban woman I tried it on didn’t get it, but the Venezuelan knew where I was going before I got there.

La ultima est circa.

The end is near.