And frankly, without NinaGarcia and Michael Kors, and with the guest judges from the middle of the C list (hell, I’d be happier with the queen of the D-listers, Miss Kathy Griffith as a judge), who even cares? It’s getting harder and harder to watch this mess, and even harder to recap.

But, press on regardless. Hah! MizShoes made a joke about ironing. We begin, as usual with a recap of last week’s loser and a bile green LA morning. Carol Hannah is happy that Qristyl is gone. Johnny swears that he’ll never be in the bottom three again, and Althea must remain on her game. Irina complains that the winning dress shouldn’t have won, and DanielFranco Lite says that Johnny and Irina don’t deserve to be there. That only he deserves to be there. That they should just name him the winner and call it a season, and you know, except for the part about him being the winner, there is some merit to that suggestion.

Heidi is on the runway in a stripey shirt. They have another field trip. The answers to their questions will be in black and white. Gasps! Heidi mocks them for their drama queenyness. Miz Shoes mocks them for that and their general lack of personalities, talent and all around cluelessness. In the van, they make lame guesses as to what black and white might mean. Old movies? No. The Los Angeles Times, where they are introduced to the Times’ fashion critic, Booth Moore. She, or Tim, announce that Fashion IS News. (Ha, in yer fuckin’ dreams) and that the challenge is to use newspaper and/or the blank rolls of newsprint to make a design.

There are five stacks of sections: Image, Sports, Business, News and something else. The designers have three minutes to grab paper. In the studio, there are dyes, brushes, markers and the instructions that they can use muslin as a support structure. They have till midnight: winner gets immunity.

Christian is going to do a fitted bodice and full skirt, just like he does every week. But this will be different, because he’s making it out of paper. Althea claims cluelessness, but doesn’t care because she has immunity. Carol Hannah has an idea. DanielFranco Lite has a lot of bitching to do about the challenge and all the other designers. Irina is going to mix materials and colors and use it so it doesn’t look like paper. Shirin is making something out of papier maché. Logan is over Shirin. She chatters. To herself. Out loud. In fact, everyone is over Shirin. We see the other designers hating on her as she chatters like a magpie.

Johnny is making origami cranes, and they are going to hold up his dress from the shoulders. He’s made a lot of red paper. DanielFranco Lite has an opinion about it. He says it looks like a lot of wrinkled paper covered in pig’s blood. Ra’Mon is inspired by the pattern of words and images on the printed page. Louise is going to make a dress out of headlines. Gordana is going to make two garments. Something about Time 2 Change? Tim says to just make the change.

Irina hates the dress she made and wants to make a trench coat instead. Tim tells her to go ahead and do it. Irina is going to do it with no muslin. Tim is not happy with Johnny’s work. He says that he (Tim) is “woeful”. That it looks like a craft project gone awry. Johnny says that the birds are holding the dress up and Tim says no, that they are attacking it. Tim tells DanielFranco Lite that he has a good trajectory and to maintain. Don’t go costume-y. Christopher wants to make a show stopper and Tim tells him that it could very will be. Tim is inspired by this walkabout, and can’t wait to see the show. Tim and nobody else.

Johnny listens to Uncle Tim and thows away his messy red dress, and starts gluing tiles of paper onto muslin. Irina listens to Uncle Tim and begins construction on a trench coat. DanielFranco Lite tells us that his inspiration is punk rock and that he’s making a punk rock dress. Miz Shoes wakes herself up with a particularly loud snore.

Irina is making a faux Persian lamb collar and cuffs on her little trench coat by crumpling up little bits of plain newsprint and then uncrumpling them and glueing them onto the basic form. It reminds Miz Shoes of the prom floats that we made in high school with chicken wire and paper napkins. Shirin is panicking that she’s made a strapless dress with a heavy skirt. Will it fall off the model as she stomps the runway? We can only hope for that kind of drama.

Johnny hallucinates that he had a steamer accident and that’s why his dress was awful/he had to start over. Or was it that the iron sputtered water while in steam mode? The story changes with each repetition. And Johnny repeats it over and over as the other designers laugh at him and say “Johnny you’re a liar”. (Springsteen reference)  Over morning coffee, we see that Irina and Louise like Althea’s dress, and that they don’t like Nicolas. Epperson graciously says that Johnny has his form under a drape for a reason, implying that there might be something both surprising and good. Someone says the reason is comic relief. So much for that.

Ra’Mon has done separates. Irina is still working the crumples. Tim says “Rally!” Gordana has (as always) made something very well constructed. Carol Hannah can’t get her dress of her mannequin and has no idea how she’s going to get it on her model. Althea is trash talking Irina. DanielFranco Lite is trash talking every one and saying that his dress is full-on punk rock. Johnny says that it’s Stump Rock. Or dino chic.

On the runway, Heidi is in something short, shiny and tight. Is she losing her accent? The judges are Tommy Hilfiger, Zoe Glassner and Eva Longoria-Parker. Ho-fucking hum. Runway goes by in a blur:

Logan’s dress is interesting, fitted and he’s used the paper to create blue trim. DanielFrano Lite has petal-shaped panels over the hips. Christopher’s bodice looks like leather or enamel and the feather skirt is feathery. Ra’Mon has a top and skirt. Epperson has played with volume and shape (again, and why do we not see more of him and his work? PLEASE???) with a portrait collar over a kimono shape. Johnny’s is meh. Gordana has done a fitted top and a pleated skirt. Carol Hannah has a red paper gown. It’s a little rumpled. Shirin has made something very evocative of Leanne’s origami petals. Irina’s trench coat is sharp. The body is made of printed newsprint, and the collar and cuffs out of blank. Althea’s is interesting. And Louise has made something that looks like it came out of the Cirque de Soleil costume shop, in a bad way.

Johnny, Nicolas, Christopher, Althea, Gordana and Irina are the top and bottom designers. Althea’s work is based on a repeat of an image of a building, that she used to make a fitted dress. Tommy Hilfiger calls it genius and well executed. Like he would know. Eva L-P loves it because it emphasizes the model’s ass, and she’s all about the ass.

Gordana’s look was conventional. Heidi says that it is too wearable and average. Irina has just blown poor Eva away. Tommy H says something incomparably stupid about it being Coco Channel meets St. Laurent meets somebody else in the nebulous 60s-70s (which were, snarks Miz Shoes, SOOOO stylistically similar). But there is scotch tape showing and the length is wrong says someone else.

Johnny is clocked for not spending enough time on his piece of shit, and he trots out the steamer story. Heidi says the whole look is a little “working girl” and she doesn’t mean the movie. Johnny says that his first look was absolutely Dior, and Nicolas laughs out loud and says that the steamer story is a flat out lie and Johnny calls him a jerk and ho-fucking hum. I’ve seen better bitch fights on South Beach over a seat at a bar. But then Tommy H says that DanielFranco Lite’s dress is no more punk rock than Tommy is. Christopher’s dress gets the love and the designers are packed off to the green room to scratch each other’s eyes out while the “judges” discuss.

Christopher, Althea and Irina are the top three, with the trench coat called couture. Gordana is too safe. DanielFranco Lite’s dress was fug. They didn’t see the punk rock influence at all. Johnny’s honesty is questioned. DUDE! He’s a fucking junkie. His honesty is by definition questionable. DUH.

Althea, who had immunity anyway, is in. Irina’s little faux Persian lamb is the winner, and she gets applause for risk taking, and immunity for the next challenge. Christopher and Gordana are in. Johnny and Nicolas are the bottom two. Johnny is a liar with a lot of excuses and no discernible talent. Nicolas is a prissy bitch who had an idea that he couldn’t execute, but at least he had an idea, so he gets to stay.

Johnny leaves, and gives an exit interview in which he declares himself lost and empty. He says it was easier to give up crystal meth than to get thrown off the show. He snivels a lot and whines that he wanted to go to Bryant Park. Tim sends him off to clear out his workspace, and the minute he leaves, Tim lets loose with a blast of righteous indignation. “That was preposterous! I can’t believe he tried that steamer crap on the judges! Clutch the pearls!”

If it weren’t for Tim’s twitterpation and fluttery vexation, there wouldn’t have been a show at all this week. Where is NinaGarcia? Where is Michael Kors?? Where are designers with talent? What happened to Project Runway? Is it even worth watching the rest of the season? We’ll find out next week.

It was pouring when we arrived at the show, but we were able to park close to the gate, so when the weather abated a bit, we ran for it. Got in and missed the lottery, but were early enough that we were right behind the fence to the pit, so not so bad at all, and I parked us on Little Steven’s side of the stage.

Here’s the set list from Ft. Lauderdale, September 13, 2009

Working on the Highway

Badlands

Night

Cover Me

Outlaw Pete

Out in the Street

Working on a Dream

(first request) Sherry Darlin’ and Roy, Nils and the new guy all play accordion on it

It’s All Gone

Johnny 99 ( and a righteous rip-roaring version it is)

Working Life

(then Stevie vamps while Bruce collects request signs from the audience, and arranges them on the stage to review)

Be True

Cadillac Ranch

So Young and In Love

Waiting on a Sunny Day

Promised Land

Backstreets

Radio Nowhere

Lonesome Day

The RIsing

Born To Run

And Then She Kissed Me (another request)

Jungleland

Hard Times Come Again No More

American Land

Dancing in the Dark

Thunder Road

Somewhere around Jungleland, I had my moment of pure grace, where the music poured through me, and the energy in the room filled me with a sense of community. It is a religious experience. It is the church of rock and roll. And so to bed.

And now, the next morning, I can compare this to the typed set list that the security guard gave me:

Working on the Highway

Badlands

Night

Outlaw Pete

St. In the City

Working on a Drew

Atlantic City

Seeds

Johnny 99

Raise Your Hand

?

?

?

Waiting on a Sunny Day

The Promised Land

Backstreets

Lonesome Day

The Rising

Born to Run

Hard Times

Thunder Road

American Land

Dancing in the Dark

Hungry Heart

I need to clarify something here. I love Bob Dylan. I love Bob Dylan’s voice, gargling phlegm, off-key, nasal and all. As for my CousinSteve’s assertion that Mr. Zimmerman hasn’t been musically relevant for decades, I say bah. The Bob will always be relevant. The Bob transcends relevance. The Bob is a singularity in a musical wasteland. The one thing the Bob is NOT, however, is suited for making an album of Christmas music. That is an abomination on all levels.

Besides, we are coming up to the Jewish High Holy Days, and that is where the Bob comes into play. We hear the story of Abraham and Isaac, and Bob wrote about that on “Highway 61, Revisited.” It is what I chant under my breath, and taught all three surrogate daughters to recite every Rosh Hashanna:

G-d said to Abraham, kill me your son

Abe say G-d, you must be puttin me on

G-d say no, Abe say what

G-d say you can do what you want Abe, but

The next time you see me comin’ you better run

Abe say where you want this killin done

G-d say out on Highway 61

See? That’s what the Bob is best at, making the ancient relevant, whether we are talking about G-d and Abraham or musical genres that have passed (see the gumbo-infused blues he’s got on the latest cd, or the Civil War era rhythms and instrumentations on Love and Theft.)

Tonight the RLA and I are going to see Bruce Springsteen and the Legendary E-Street Band. It’s a crap shoot for us, seating-wise, because I coughed up for general admission tix, which means we’re standing for the whole show, somewhere on the floor. Exactly where depends on where we hit the lottery. Not that we wouldn’t be standing (or dancing) for the whole show anyway. I tried not to look at set lists from the tour, wanting it to be a surprise, but caved last night, and discovered that he’s been doing the Detroit Medley and Land of 1000 Dances. He played 8 encores (well, 8 songs during the encore) in Boston in August. (I NEED to find a copy of that show.)

The RLA and I have been watching movies dealing with tradition. We saw 10 Canoes last night, a dream of a movie that tells a legend, or myth, or folk tale of Australian native people. I don’t think we’re supposed to call them Aborigines any more. Two weeks ago we watched Arranged, about two women in Brooklyn, one a Hassidic Jew, and her friend who is a devout Muslim. They are both in the middle of having their marriages arranged for them, and both are having a sort of crisis of faith, wondering if they want a more secular life. They both decide no. It makes me wonder if my own life is too secular, and I long for a routine of going to temple and prayer. But there’s the rub. I don’t find myself fitting in the community at any of the local temples I have attended.

I’m supposed to go to services with Star this weekend, and I am loathe to do so. I did not enjoy last year’s services. CousinSteve may say that one is not supposed to enjoy the service, but I’m not sure. I think that I should. That I should find things to contemplate upon and messages in the sermons that bear deeper reflection. Such was not the case last year, and I doubt that it will be so this year. The temple that I belonged to for many years has a new rabbi, and maybe I would find him a better spiritual leader, but it’s too late now to try to get tickets for services. I can’t find any enthusiasm within myself for Chabbad.

Sigh. Maybe I’ll just listen to the Bob’s version of the story, and trust myself to reflect upon the message.

Open on bile green LA. Recap of Ra’Mon, Epperson and Qristyl bickering, and Mitchell going aufsie daisey. That was fun. DanielFranco Lite says something about having to separate the wheat from the chaff and the hacks are going home. Epperson graciously allows as how last challenge had been hard for both himself and Qristyl. Speaking of whom, we see her whining to Gordana that she is now seen as the B-I-T-C-H. Gordana assured her that this is not so, that she merely failed to stand up for herself…amazingly. Implying that Q may have been quite the bitch in the girls’ dorm.

Heidi is on the runway telling the designers that there are 13 women in the workroom, and to win the challenge, each designer must make one happy. The 13 women turn out to be the Models of the Runway. Now that they have their own show, they are even more anonymous clothes hangers to me than before. The scenario for the challenge is that the MOR are going to an industry event, and must have a dress that shows her style and ability to wear clothes. Upon this dress, a career may lie. I wonder if Diane von Furstenberg paid her to say that?

Logan is nervous. Miz Shoes is happy that he’s getting screen time. This is the first one-day challenge, and they will have 30 minutes to sketch with the models, then $100 to spend at mood.

Jonny is going to do something in deep purple that is not jersey. It will be simple and understated. He says that it is what he would design for himself, were he a “black girl.” Somebody else tells their designer that they want something “Fresh, simple, interesting, body conscious, straight and short.” Uh-huh. I’ve had clients like that. Those are the ones who need a photo of a short, fat, tall, lanky blonde/brunette/grey haired old young man/woman. You kill them and bury the body in your ex’s back yard.

Qristyl and her model want to stand out. Irina’s model is Kelly and she wants something with an open back. Maybe. Possibly. Or not. Irina recognizes that Kelly is indecisive and she’ll have carte blanche, if she can sell it. Louise is fretting that she isn’t happy with her model’s color scheme, but Althea is delighted that she and her model have the same aesthetic, which is why Althea won’t let anybody steal her.

Shirin’s model, on the other hand, wants a royal blue satin jumpsuit with a deep vee back and gold rope trim. She wants to stand out. Yeah. On the corner, you gotta be seen if you wanna make a dollah. Logan is panicking because his model wants something commercial and on-trend: 1950s. He’s showing a little flop sweat.

Epperson’s model wanted something in orange, but all the orange fabric he found at Mood sucked, so he bought browns instead. Louise and Jonny are working side by side in the sewing room and talking about people who have gone home. They are depressed about it. Christopher, no longer working the twee hats (thank you), looks around the work room and notices that there are missing bodies. The truth of being on a reality show is sinking in, it seems. We see DanielFranco Lite channeling That Daniel Franco as he laments that he will be sewing until Tim rips the needle from his bleeding fingers and pushes him onto the runway.

Tim tours the room: Althea is making a skirt and a man’s jacket. Tim says it has a WOW factor. It does? OK, if Tim Gunn says it, it must be true. Christopher’s model is long waisted, and she wants to show it off in something Christopher refers to as “emerald green”, but which is not… it is a sort of electric Kelly green. It’s…bright. Epperson is working under the following art direction: flowy, strong punk, cocktail, tiger. And you know? He’s doing it. It’s brown and body conscious and jersey and matte and shiny all at once. Tim says it is innovative and beautiful, which it is and which is why I’ll take Tim’s word about Althea’s mess.

Speaking of messes, Qristyl is using black and dark brown jersey to sculpt a whirlwind of fabric around her mannequin, or as Tim says, something that looks like the model rolled around in her sheets and wrapped it around herself to go out.

It gets worse as Logan shows Tim something that looks, in Logan’s own words, like a Smurf prom dress. Tim fans himself and tells Logan, Oh, lord, girl, don’t say that word on the runway. Don’t give the judges ideas. It is, inarguably, very blue, with lots of black lace. Carol Hannah is working with a deeply saturated mulberry purple and black. She is emphasizing, per her model’s wishes, the waist, with a close-to-the-body fit. Tim isn’t so sure about the one-shouldered neck line, asking if she is perhaps, robbing her model of her youth? (Translation: a little mother-of-the-bride, non?)

A Tender Moment

Epperson calls his family and cries. Uh-oh, is Epperson getting the loser edit? He sniffs a little that he’d never chose to do this (presumably a reality show) again. Dude. Miz Shoes hears you. Miz Shoes would rather stab herself under the fingernails with the charred ends of bamboo skewers than ever appear on television. Ra’Mon is doing something with cobalt blue leathah? The models come for their fittings and approvals, and Epperson shows his girl all the cheap, nasty oranges he discarded in favor of the browns, and she is completely in love with the dress, so all is well in Epperson’s corner. Jonny’s model is asking for more cleavage, but not any lower in the neckline. He snipes at her that he doesn’t tell her how to model, but then realizes that in fact, he does, and we get to see Jonny try to show his girl how to walk.

Althea and her model agree that their collaboration is more amazing than either of them (or me) envisioned. Logan has dubbed his look “goth Cinderella” and hopes that somebody on the judging panel likes it. DanielFranco Lite is only 85% done and a complete wreck. Qristyl has taken Uncle Tim’s advice and ditched the brown and made a little black dress. Is it too simple, she wonders aloud. Shirin’s model hates her dress. And Logan is looking around at everyone else’s work and worrying that his is different, and not in a good way. The electric green dress which, when last we saw it, was a tight strapless sheath dress with a 1980’s drop waist and a deeply ruffled skirt, now has a matching crumb catcher on the top. It looks like a giant version of the scallions my mother used to make in the 50s for the Thanksgiving relish tray. You know, frayed at both ends, then stuck in ice water to make festive sprays? Yeah. That’s exactly what it looks like.

Morning of the Runway

Logan is shirtless (thank you) and wearing skin tight silver jeans. Really editors, thank you for that. It’s a good thing Miz Shoes does not have tivo, or else she might have embarrassed herself in front of the RLA. Logan interviews that his model, Kojii, has a harder edge than the others, and he thinks that although this dress is not his particular cup of organic green de-caf, it did please his client.

Too late for regrets, Qristyl is questioning her decision to use just black. Gordana has made something beige with a woven element adding interest to the bust. Carol Hannah is confident, which means she isn’t going to win. Irina sniffs that nobody’s work looks like crap, really, but Althea’s would have looked better if she’d just stapled it together. Saucer of milk, Irina? Nicolas says that Epperson’s looks like trash, and Christopher says that if the judges don’t understand Epperson’s style, he’s history. Tim gives a ten minute warning.

DanielFranco Lite has done something fitted, white satin(?) with grey trim. There is are cut-away arm holes, showing off the model’s shoulders and arms, There is some sort of woven element at the high neckline. It is extremely tailored, and is evocative of That Daniel Franco. Jonny has made frayed edges on all his seam lines. Althea still needs more time.

On the Runway

Heidi is wearing something grey, and reminds the viewers of the challenge: to make something for a fashion industry party. Tonight we have a full panel of guest judges: Marc Bouwer, Zoe Glassner (editor for Marie Claire), and Jennifer Rade who is identified as a celebrity stylist/designer. OK, sure. If you say so.

Qristyl’s dress is short, black, jersey with an asymmetrical hemline. Nicolas’s dress is tailored to within an inch of its life. The cut-away neck line makes it almost a bib top, but there is no side boob exposure. Irina has made something that looks like I could wear it to work: a simple printed day dress with a belted jacket with some sort of huge collar. Gordana’s beige jersey. Something very blue. Logan’s black top and blue skirt. Christopher has added black bands to the top and bottom of the fitted center band of the giant scallion. Now it looks like a rather lurid green Christmas cracker. Epperson’s dress is all stripey and stretchy and fitted and raggedy, but not whickety-whack. Jonny’s dress is a whole lot of eggplant purple.

Althea’s model comes strutting down the runway, boobs akimbo, with the jacket open and her grey jersey tank top leaving every movement hypnotically visible. Is is a bubble miniskirt, micro-mini bloomers, a black diaper? Louise’s dress is black. Ra’Mon’s cobalt blue, skin tight dress also has a self-fabric corsage on one shoulder that is going to eat the model’s head. Carol Hannah has made a very sexy purple top with a textured black pencil skirt. When the model turns around, the skirt has a set of pleats in a center gore, almost bustle-like, that moves beautifully.

Louise, Irinia, Christopher, Nicolas, Gordanna, Shirin and Ra’Mon are safe. The others are the top and bottom of the pack. We begin with CH. Marc Bouwer loves her draping combined with the sharp tailoring of the skirt. It’s hard and soft. Logan is called out for making a cheap, tacky prom dress. And then Jennifer says that his dress looks like crap but he’s cute and she likes his pants and sneakers, so she’s giving him a pass, and I fall in love a little with Jennifer. A woman after Miz Shoes own heart. Next is Epperson, and Marc Bouwer is blown away by Epperson’s masterful technique with stretch fabric.  Heidi, on the other hand, says that either the dress or the model needed a lot more support in the bust. The other women agree, but Jennifer gives Epperson a golf clap of approval. She then gets on a roll and tells Jonny that the purse is the most interesting thing about his look, and that even though Qristyl’s model loves her dress, that’s why she isn’t a designer… thank God. Really. Jen? Call me. I’ll pay for the first round.

And then, maybe NinaGarcia left the crack in the judges quarters because they all start heaping the love on Althea’s miniskirt and jacket. (Michael Kors would have deemed it too Studio 54 to be tolerated, but he wasn’t there and mores the pity.) Jennifer loses points with me by saying she wants to leave with it on her arm, so she can dress one of her clients in it. Invisible Marie Claire editor says that it is a suit! And yet, she would wear it. I have no idea what that means. Are suits bad? Too matchy, matchy?

The designers leave the judges to the real work of judging. M. Bouwer says that Qristyl was able to make simple look cheap. Heidi says that the model didn’t look like a guest at the imaginary party, but the girl passing drinks. Ouch. And true. Logan is credited for being too cute to cut and is excused for not making something cool, but something his tasteless model wanted. Jonny is dismissed as having made something too accessible: anybody could wear that, so who cares. Can we keep these judges?

Carol Hannah made something that moved beautifully. Epperson’s dress was sexy and fitted and Heidi says that it needed a bra. But Epperson knows how to make clothes, says M. Bouwer.  And so,

Epperson is in, and Althea is the winner and gets immunity in the next challenge. Her three pieces are so fabulous that they mesmerized Heidi out of noticing the bouncing boobies. Carol Hannah and Jonny are in. Logan and Qristyl are the bottom two. Qristyl made a cheap-looking, boring dress and took no chances. Logan made a dress that stood out for all the wrong reasons: styling and fabric all missed the mark. But he had on skin tight silver jeans and is very, very cute and so he gets to stay (thank you) and the judges, still remembering what a pill Qristyl was last week, send her and her non-existent taste level home.

In today’s Nature Notes, Miz Shoes attempts to illustrate the definitive answer to the age old question: Is it the heat, or the humidity?

The evening before I took the following photo, I saw an avocado on the ground when I came home from work. The squirrels had been eating away at it, and there was a large, clean hole (albeit ringed with tooth marks. The next morning dawned hot and humid, as all summer mornings do in the tropics. When I left for work, the avocado was sporting a festive fur collar, very much like Santa’s fur-trimmed suit. This was the mold growth in 12 hours.

When I reached my office, the heat was up, and the sun was shining in the breezeway of the building, turning the condensation on the windows of the empty restaurant into diamonds. As I turned around to get the shot, I saw where a long-since removed holiday decoration had been. The ghost of Christmas past, in the pattern of moisture on a too-cold window, on a too-hot morning.

As ever, this is part of the Nature Notes meme.

The Tide is High (and so are the judges)

Acid yellow LA morning: Ra’Mon is whining and moaning that one decision could be the mistake that sends him home, and he doesn’t want to go home. The other designers (most notably DanielFranco Lite) are ragging on Mitchell about being the perennial bottom. He grins, boyishly and (he thinks) charmingly and says that he wouldn’t wish the bottom two on anybody else. He’s really sort of simple-minded, isn’t he?

Heidi greets the designers on the runway and tells them that they will be going on a field trip, and to pack the sunscreen. Wild guesses all around as to their destination: the beach, the other beach, or that other, other beach? The thought of seeing an actual ocean gets Christian (Hey, I’m from Minnesota, eh?) all tingly. They arrive at a beach, only to find Tim Gunn in a summer-weight suit and sandals, having forgone the tie at gunpoint. Hah! I made a gun/Gunn joke. Laugh while you can, dear readers, because the only entertainment to be had from this episode is this and all the other snarky recaps on line. Tim has a back-up group of wahinis and surfboards. Mercifully, he does not say “duuuude.” He does, however, announce that surf culture is one of the many LA exports to the design community, and the world at large. There is no surf guitar music in the background, and MizShoes finds that to be an enormous failure.

The challenge will be to design a “fun and fashionable” surf look. They must focus on craftsmanship (coughMITCHELLcough) and style. They will be working in teams of two. This does not make Ra’Mon any happier, and he whines something or another about team challenges. Shirin, as last week’s winner, is the first team leader. The others are named, and then they pick their teammates in the same order. It goes down thusly:

Shirin/Carol Hannah; Logan/Christian; Nicolas/Gordana; Mitchell (who confessionalizes that he chose someone who could “carry me”) picks Ra’Mon, much to Ra’Mon’s continued misery. Althea/Louise; Qristyl/Epperson and a gracious Jonny is happy to be left with Irina. They will have to decide which of their two models to use. They will have 20 minutes to sketch/consult with the wahinis—remember the wahinis?

The surfer dudettes offer blinding revelations about what active girls like: comfort and function over fashion. Tropical colors. Ra’Mon bitches that working with Mitchell is the equivalent of having a target painted on his head. Beats the do-rag, I suppose. Qristyl is already pissed that Epperson is talking to the surfer girl and sketching. Nicolas has no clue what the surfer girls are saying, but he’s game for the challenge.

Off the beach and on to Mood LA, where they have a meager fifty bucks and 15 minutes to grab and go. Qristyl is picking garish nastiness and getting overruled by Epperson. They are not a happy couple. And then, DRAMA!!! But not on Project Runway. On Miz Shoes’ couch, when the power flickers and the cable goes out for a minute. When it comes back, Irina is laughing at Jonny and chanting boho chic, boho chic. Well, duh. That is the obvious answer to this challenge.

DanielFranco Lite is proposing an amazing silhouette, with a wrap around pant. He’s going to hand-dye the white and black print so that it no longer looks like zebra. No animal prints. He and Gordana are going to do a woven/macramé top.

Qristyl and Epperson are fighting over Qristyl’s chosen lime green fabric (remember her purple print barf ruffle? Girl is either color blind, or tasteless, and I’m leaning toward tasteless. Epperson interviews that their tension is just fear of failure based. He’s very calm. Over in the other corner, Ra’Mon is complaining that Mitchell is just floating along and making him be the

captain of the team. They are another dysfunctional TV family, playing it all out for airtime.

Jonny refers to Mitchell as “she”. Is it just me, or is this group more fey and over-the-top out than ever before? It’s a veritable Village Persons of gay stereotypes in that workroom. Tim wanders in and announces that the judges didn’t think that there was enough pressure, so they are requiring the designers to come up with a second look. It should work with the first, but be avant-garde, and both looks will walk the runway. Ra’Mon (who is getting way too much air time to make Miz Shoes happy) bewails their fate: “Capital WTF”, and (excuse me while I look in my thesaurus for yet another word that means whine, complain, or bewail …aha!) snivels that he’s just got his hands full trying to keep Mitchell focused and on-task. There are only 3 hours left in the workday. Tim tells the designers that tomorrow one member from each team will go back to Mood with $200 to buy supplies for the second look.

Now it’s Qristyl’s turn to cry and she does, gnashing her teeth that she’s the captain, dammit and Epperson is acting like he is. She’s insulted and says that he treats her like a student, like she can’t sew, like she has no taste. To which Miz Shoes shrugs her shoulders, remembers that purple nastiness and says to the teevee, “and your point is…?”

Ra’Mon is going to make an avant-garde look based on a wet suit. Mitchell is fantasizing that he has wonderful ideas. DanielFranco Lite comes back from Mood to find that Gordana has almost completed the macramé top, but he’s worried that his avant-garde look might be a little too tranny. Epperson is trying to talk to Qristyl, but she’s all “talk to the hand” and won’t have any civility between them. Mitchell thinks he might try to finish the bathing suit and let Ra’Mon do everything else.

Tim comes in and says that he’s the prophet of doom. The designers are not amused. Carol Hannah’s model has decided to take a paying job instead of coming in for a fitting. This is supposed to be drama. CH is like, fine, I’ll go with one of the other models that was sent home. Buh-bye little model, who was originally Ari’s model and could have been auf’ed with the disco soccer ball, but was apparently saved during an epi of Models of the Runway which MizShoes has not, nor does she ever intend to watch. Buh-bye. Good luck with that career thing.

Gordana is watching DanielFranco Lite do something with lace, and says that well, it’s a bit provocative for her taste, but she’s sure that Nicolas knows what he’s doing (and he’s the captain, so on your shield or with it, fella). She doesn’t sound that convinced, and as we see the lace cat suit with no in seam, just sort of gartered on, neither are we.

Ra’Mon is kvetching about his frustration with the dim-witted, but happy-go-lucky Mitchell, who can’t focus long enough to thread a sewing machine. Nicolas is only too happy to offer to pack Mitchell’s bags for him when he’s auffed, and tells him so.

Tim comes for his walkabout, and sees Jonny’s over-sized macramé avant-garde top in brown. Epperson and Qristyl’s surfer look earns raves, it’s a bikini top with a corselet over a voluminous skirt (that’s sort of Epperson’s thing, we’re thinking) and then the model whips off the waist cincher and Tim gags. It was so nice, as a one-piece he says, and so tasteless as a bra top and wrap skirt. Logan has made a hat, and Tim is impressed. Nicolas and Gordana have created something beautiful with their macramé top. What’s up with the macramé this episode? Why? And why all the brown?

Speaking of brown, Ra’Mon is working on his wetsuit cat suit and we see Mitchell’s surf attire next to it. It is that same brown and blue ombre he was working with the first episode and it’s all floaty and drapey. Tim says that it looks like Greek Goddess meets cartoon super hero and that the two looks need to work together and they don’t. Ra’Mon scraps the jumpsuit.

Speaking of not working together, we see Qristyl and Epperson continuing to loathe each other. More to the point, Ra’Mon resents having to carry Mitchell (who chose Ra’Mon to do just that thing). The RLA asks why we haven’t seen any footage of the other teams. Because they aren’t fighting, obviously.

Morning of the runway show finds Mitchell acting like a little girl while Nicolas laughs at him. Qristyl is being arrogant. Logan and Christian are happy with each other and each other’s work. See? No drama, no air play. Tim comes in and says they have two hours to finish, fit and do hair and makeup.

Ra’Mon id dyeing acid yellow neoprene and having a nervous breakdown in the corner. Tim tells him to man up and that there’s on 35 minutes left, so make some thing to send down the runway. With a mere 15 minutes left, Ra’Mon is not giving up and is stapling his model into something made of blotchy neoprene. Qristyl is rehearsing her speech wherein she throws Epperson under the bus, and she is hoping that isn’t a metaphor. Mitchell comes down off his cloud long enough to realize that he’s been in the bottom two twice already, and there’s only been two episodes. Hmmmm, he thinks, this might be problematic.

Finally, we get to the actual runway, and meet the guest judges. Max Azria of BCBG and Rachel Bilson, who is billed as an actress/designer. We start with Epperson and Qristyl and that green patterned dress, and it is wonderful. The fit is marvelous and the avant-garde look is… a mystery to yours truly, because the power surges and blows the cable again and we don’t get the picture back until Shirin and Carol Hannah send down something that whips off to reveal an ACTUAL BATHING SUIT! I’m so stunned I don’t even care what they call avant-garde.

Althea and Louise have done something with a top similar to Althea’s maternity gown. Their attempt at avant-garde is a blue evening gown with swoopy things. DanielFranco Lite’s “macramé” top is beautiful, the wrap pants boring and too long. I don’t even want to talk about the lace cat suit with the cutout thighs.

Logan and Christian have done super skinny white/gold jeans that may be leatha. The model is wearing the beach hat. Their avant-garde look has an over-sized top with a voluminous skirt (need the thesaurus again) and the top sports an asymmetrical neck/collar and it’s all pretty fabulous, actually.

Shirin/Carol Hannah, Logan/Christopher and Althea/Louise are safe. Off they go. Nicolas/Gordana; Ra’Mon/Mitchell; Epperson/Qristyl and Jonny/Irina are left. They have the highest and lowest scores, and will now be raked over the coals.

Jonny’s sportswear look was sporty. There is a soft sweatery top with a macramé panel in the back to add interest, and a flippy skirt. The companion piece (Miz Shoes cannot force herself to either type avant-garde or grace these garments with that appellation) is brown evening gown with a big old pile of fabric along one shoulder that they all keep referring to as more macramé.

Ra’Mon says that their inspiration was a pile of seaweed that washed up on the shore while they were at the beach, and is promptly clocked by Heidi, who says that he wasn’t the captain, and what does Mitchell have to say. And what, exactly, was it that Mitchell actually sewed? The bathing suit? That nobody even sees because it’s under the dress? Riiiight. NinaGarcia, meanwhile, has been smoking crack in the back room, because she is just blown away by the blotchy, ill-fitting, stapled together neoprene dress.

Qristyl preemptively hurls Epperson under the bus, talks over him on the runway, defends her nonexistent taste level and continues acting like a modern day Battling Bickersons on the runway. The green leaf print dress was gorgeous. The other thing, which is brown with a big lump of Qristyl’s electric green fabric sort of eating one side, not so much.

Nicolas and Gordana get the love for the macramé top, not the floppy pants. The lace cat suit, the less said of which the better, is not classy. So.

Jonny and Irina did work that was solid and the two pieces tied together. Mitchell and Ra’Mon, well, see. There’s the problem. Ra’Mon did everything and Mitchell did nothing and how can the judges judge someone who didn’t sew? Nicolas needs to tame his Feather Princess tendencies, but the swimwear portion of the two looks was nice. Max Azria, who is subtitled, notes that Qristyl was weak, and Epperson took advantage of that. Again, the fit and style of the print dress is remarked upon and that was all Epperson. Qristyl’s being an ass on the runway didn’t win her any points with the judges. Back come the designers.

Ra’Mon is the winner for that monstrosity. Or he got the sympathy vote for dealing with Mitchell. The judges claim that his neoprene dress was fresh and beautiful and closest to the ideal of the challenge. I guess NinaGarcia was sharing the crack.

Irina, Jonny, Nicolas and Gordana are all safe. Qristyl and Epperson are taken to task for having such a bad marriage, but Epperson’s coolness is rewarded with “you’re safe” and he leaves the runway.

Qristyl had zilch in the way of leadership skills, but Mitchell is just a jerk and completely inept. Heidi says that he left the judges disappointed and confused and Never in the History of Project Runway has this ever happened before, but you, the team leader, are auffsie daisy.

Mitchell interviews that gee, maybe he didn’t try hard enough. And thus ends the worst episode of Project Runway, ever. Blergh.