There are fifteen beautiful designers before me, but only… wait. Wrong show. It is a bilious yellow green morning in LA, which looks no better in that color than 7th Avenue did with the mannequin in the middle of the street. In the girl designers’ room, Althea didn’t expect Ari to be gone so quickly. I can’t imagine why she didn’t. Where the boys are, Mitchell is just jazzed to still be in the contest. Logan is this season’s shirtless guy. Works for me. I like them long-haired skinny, bare-chested boys. I admit it. I’m not proud, but you know that somewhere, there is a ratings wonk turning to his co-worker and saying, you see? I told you it hits the demographic. Right. I digress.

On the runway, Christopher is reminded that he has immunity, and Heidi announces the next challenge. They will have to design this week for a real star of big and little screens, and a former super model,  and the designers get all twitterpated and think they’ll get to design for Heidi, but no. They will be designing for (remember, this show was filmed two years ago, or so it seems) a very pregnant with twins Rebecca Romijn. She tells them that her routine hasn’t changed because she’ pregnant, so they can design an outfit for any occasion: lunch with friends, dinner with the hubs, business meeting, party. Only caveat: it must show off the belly and be chic.

Back in the work room, Tim is waiting with a pile of fake bellies. Christopher puts his on his mannequin sideways, as though he’s got no clue what a pregnant woman looks like. Oh, right. Chris is this year’s “stupid, twee hat guy” and that’s one stereotype I wish they’d quit casting. I can live with the bitch and the bully and the clueless, but please, for the love of all that is holy, can we stop with the stupid twee hats? The baseball cap two sizes too small and perched at a rakish angle to one side? The little pork pie hats. The little pork pie hat worn over a do-rag coughSantinocough The ladies with the fascinators and Bettie Page bangs. Enough. Except, can I just say that this hat in particular is offensive? The badly crocheted, ear-flapped, green/brown camo version of Janye’s hat? I particularly never want to see its acrylic face again. But I digress.

They have a budget of $100 and 2 days to sew. Half an hour to sketch, half an hour to shop. Logan is clueless and says that babies scare him. Malvin says that he got from his critique last week that the judges want to see a combination of design and construction technique and that he can do that. Malvin seems to be the smartest designer we have.

Sherin is going to do a dress and a coat. Seems ambitious. Hannah Carol says that she’s designed a maternity dress before. For a bridesmaid. Let’s not open that can of worms. Her words. Qristyl is stressing out. Ra’Mon says he’s going to go tailored and refined. Althea is doing a ribbon bodice with a jersey skirt. LouiseBrooks is going to do a (this is a stylistic leap here) 1920’s negligee-inspired cocktail dress, and is hand-dying some lace. Malvin is conceptualizing eggs, and birds in nests and is using ivory burlap again. Ra’mon, having said not three sentences ago that he’s going the tailored and refined route is having a crisis of faith and is now as clueless as Logan. Mitchell is just agonizing over being safe and to hell with creative. So he’s doing kicky shorts, a t-shirt and a jacket. Oh hell no, he is not sending another naked model down the runway. As God as his witness. Althea is eager to see Malvin’s chicken/egg.

Mitchell, who says he’s designed for pregnant women before is working on his shorts. To say they are, at this point sans waistband voluminous is an understatement. Two of the girl designers climb in the shorts, one in each leg. Much hilarity ensues…among the designers who haven’t been there long enough to start having the giggles. At the end of day one, Shirin has finished her dress.

Day two begins with Tim coming for his walkabout. Althea says that she’s designing for a business luncheon and Tim arches his eyebrow, looks at the long train on this and says gurl, please. Don’t even try to sell it as day wear. Louise is doubting herself and asks kindly professor Gunn’s advice. He says if her viscera is telling her no, she needs to listen. In my low-brow world, that means listen to your gut.

Tim and Mitchell share a laugh over last weeks fiasco. Shirin’s dress is praised, as is her choice of materials for her jacket, and Tim warns her that she has to have the right jacket. Malvin explains about the chicken and the egg to Tim, who listens thoughtfully. Malvin then takes over channeling the aliens from Ari and says that he’s going to make jodphurs to go under the birds nest, cradled eggywegg top. Jodphurs with really exaggerated hips so that they will look like uncooked fryer chicken thighs. Tim suggests, ever so gently, that maybe pregnant women don’t want to wear exaggerated chicken thighs. Malvin says he doesn’t want to bore Nina. Oh, you won’t Tim assures him.

As quickly as he can, Tim sidles away and over to Ra’Mon, where he finds a color-blocked cocktail dress. The color blocking is done in great swoops and swashes along the line of the belly, tucking under into an almost straight skirt. Tim tells him not to play safe, but also not to worry, as coo-coo has already been taken. His words.

Malvin has second thoughts. Mitchell innocently mentions to Ra’Mon that his lines have succeeded in looking like a bowling ball, and for some reason, that just flattens Ra’Mon. He has to take walk. Mitchell follows, attempting to cajol Ra’Mon back into good humor. It’s gaggy enough to make me sentimental for Santino or the Pencil Necked Shmoo. Get a room, girls.

The models come for fittings and all freak out over the fake bellies, except for Althea’s model who has a kid and loves the dress. Ra’Mon’s model stays late and gets a scolding from Professor Gunn. Jonny seems to be doing something nice over in his corner. Nick, aka Daniel Franco Lite, advises the viewers that there is some real crap in the workroom. Neither fitted nor chic, Rebecca, he is certain, would not wear any of it. All we see of his dress is a black ruffled plunging neck line. Could be nice.

Day of the Show

My notes say “boys are weak” but I can’t remember who said it. The RLA? One of the girl designers? Me? The boys are weak. Malvin has doubts, and doesn’t think his egg motif is literal enough. Daniel Franco Lite has a broken zipper and Is Not Happy about having to sew his girl into her dress.Mitchell is feverishly working on those shorts. Ra’Mon accuses Logan of being “Stella, workin’ on yur leathah.” Nope. Self-referential is not funny.

Shirin’s dress is pretty and fits well. The black jacket with the print lining is beautiful. Mitchell’s shorts are ghastly. Qristyl breaks a needle. Oh, the humanity. Louise has tons of hand work to do. Malvin is self-concious. Christopher is still working the Jayne Cobb camo and it still sucks.

On the runway, Heidi recaps the challenge. Our guest judges are Monique Lhuillier and Rebecca. Michael Kors is sitting this one out. Heidi is quick to tell the designers that every one of the judges has been pregnant and unable to find decent clothing, so they have sharp eyes. Let’s start the show.

Logan has made a white billowy top and capris. Nicholas has attached that interesting neck to a plain pencil skirt which is riding up as the model leaves the runway and he sees Heidi throw a squint down at that. Christopher has done a magenta satin bubble top over black leggings. Qristyl has done a sexy draped brick colored top over brown. Could be a tiered dress, could be a skirt and top. Epperson has made a dramatic jumpsuit under a dramatic jacket. It’s all edgy and oversized. LouiseBrooks’ dress is pretty in a high-end nightgown sort of way. Gordana has made leggings and a top, in black with a little grey sweater. It’s invisible. Jonny has made a fun, easy dress that might be a wrap, with a self-fabric corsage. Malvin…well, I’m not sure. It looks a little like a baby sling, but there is some very interesting stuff going on at the same time. He’s paired it with skinny black pants. I could see Angelina Jolie in this. Ra’Mon’s dress is awful and not really made well. Carol Hannah has made a blue dress with a drape supporting the belly. It’s the same concept as Malvins, only better made and more flattering. Althea’s navy blue evening dress is has a deep v back. Real boobs would fall out of the bra top, but the model looks lovely. Irina has also made a blue dress. This one looks like a stretch velvet and it’s more turquoise. It’s another halter top and full skirt, and has about eight inches of satin at the hem. Shirin’s ensemble is amazing.

Ra’Mon, LouiseBrooks, Althea, Malvin, Mitchell and Shirin are left on the runway. We begin with Ra’Mon’s cocktail dress. Monique says it’s too busy, and the construction is sloppy. They all agree that it looks like the racing stripes are pointing to the baby. These women are vicious.

Louise’s pleated bust and tiered slips get high praise for being adaptable to all stages of pregnancy. Althea’s evening gown is called perfection by Monique, and Rebecca loves it. NinaGarcia thinks that Malvin’s egg looks like a baby sling (see?) but they love the way he’s made the black organza look like feathers around the neckline.

Again, they all love Mitchell’s concept. They’d love to go to lunch or the grocery store in this. Well, not THIS. THIS is so badly constructed that they wouldn’t use it to mop the countertop. Heidi calls it a sad, pregnant mess. Shirin’s dress is comfortable. There are no bad angles. They all love the jacket and the detailing.

Then the claws come back out and they run down the list again. Ra’Mon’s construction made the baby bulge look like a bowling ball. Mitchell can’t sew. Malvin had a concept and he went with it. Sherin’s waistline treatment was beautiful, the coat was beautiful and the whole outfit the most wearable of the bunch. Althea had gorgeous draping, color choice and elegant lines. Louise’s dress was fun, but, you know, do you really want to walk around in your lingerie when you’re pregnant? But it was well executed. But, your lingerie. In public.

Louise, Althea and Ra’Mon are in. Shirin is the winner and the judges say that they would all wear it, pregnant or not. Which leaves Malvin and Mitchell. Mitchell’s total lack of sewing skills and time management is called to account. Inexcusable, says Heidi, and then tells Malvin that the whole chicken/egg thing was so heinous, that he has to leave. Aufsie Daisy. Inexcusable has been excused and Mitchell squeaks by to be auff’ed another day.

Next week, they have to work in teams. That’s never pretty.

Somehow, I don’t think this is what Freddie Mercury had in mind. And I wish I could have gotten a shot of the 10 gold hoops running down the side of each ear, the black nail polish and the fact that the red jacket is a NASCAR jacket. Or that the woman is not a young thing. That may even be her daughter over there on the left.

This is the “crime against fashion” post to tide you all over until I can post my Project Runway recap.

An embarrassment of riches.

The little Casita des Zapatos is old. It was built in 1954 (same as yours truly) and many of my trees date back that far, or close. As good as a year as this was for the mangos, the avocado tree is out to compete in the ridiculous amount of fruit olympics. This tree was a graft, way back when, and the main trunk produces pear-shaped fruit of good size, with thin skins that zip off like a banana peel, small seeds and thick, delicious meat. But at some point in the past 55 years, a sucker came off the root stock, and nobody ever cut it down, so the tree has a second, also good-sized trunk. On that side of the tree, the fruit is small, and almost round, with thick, crumbly skins and giant seeds and thin meat. It is equally delicious, though.

This year the root stock side of the tree has borne fruit like never before. There must be hundreds of avocados, growing in clusters like grapes. One branch was so loaded that the RLA built a crutch for it, to keep it from snapping under the weight. The nice thing about avocados is that they don’t ripen on the tree, so you can pull them off as needed, let them ripen in a brown paper bag on the window sill, and have a never-ending supply of guacamole. The nice thing about guacamole is that you can freeze it (just don’t put the onions and tomatoes in before you do; add those after you defrost it) and it lasts forever.

Here is my Tex-Mex guacamole recipe, exactly as written for me 30 years ago by my TINY friends (TINY, for those who aren’t old enough to remember, were Texans In New York, a very large population in the late 70s, when The Lonestar Cafe was the toast of 5th Avenue, with its giant iguana on the roof, red eyes glowing in the night.)

2 big avocados cut in 1/2 inch chunks

1 chopped up big onion (green onions are great too)

1 big handful chopped serrano chili peppers (green)

1 chopped green pepper

1 big tomato cut in 1/2 inch chunks

salt and pepper and lime juice

Just mix these with a big spoon. DO NOT MASH.

As ever, this is part of the Nature Notes meme.

I got a little note in my e-mail today from my boyfriends record company. Columbia Records was eager to tell me about Bob Dylan’s newest (and 47th) album available for pre-order today. Because I just can’t make this shit up, here’s what they told me about it:

Christmas In The Heart will be the 47th album from Bob Dylan, and follows his worldwide chart-topping Together Through Life, released earlier this year. Songs performed by Dylan on this new album include, “Here Comes Santa Claus,” “Winter Wonderland,” “Little Drummer Boy” and “Must Be Santa.”

All of Bob Dylan’s U.S. royalties from sales of these recordings will be donated to Feeding America, guaranteeing that more than four million meals will be provided to more than 1.4 million people in need in this country during this year’s holiday season. Bob Dylan is also donating all of his future U.S. royalties from this album to Feeding America in perpetuity.

Additionally, Bob Dylan is partnering with two international charities to provide meals during the holidays for millions in need in the United Kingdom and the developing world, and will be donating all of his future international royalties from Christmas In The Heart to those organizations in perpetuity. Details regarding the international partnerships will be announced next week.

Bob Dylan commented, “It’s a tragedy that more than 35 million people in this country alone—12 million of those children—often go to bed hungry and wake up each morning unsure of where their next meal is coming from. I join the good people of Feeding America in the hope that our efforts can bring some food security to people in need during this holiday season.”

I just… I mean… Oh good lord. The thought of that clogged-with-lungers voice gargling out Christmas carols has had me off my feed all day. I just… I mean… Oh good lord. Will no one think of the CHILDREN? What if some misguided Dylan fan pumps that shit into the airwaves at a shopping mall? The sound of Christmas music when well done (and to be honest, I think well performed, or well written Christmas music to be an oxymoron) sends me searching for the nearest gun outlet. I can’t go shopping between September and December 26 anyway. But the BOB??? Doing Little Drummer Boy? Could it possibly be worse than this:

Oh, you know it can. Maybe not as gawdawful cheesy, but worse. I mean… I just… Look, it’s not that Jews don’t do Christmas albums. Think Barbra Streisand. But Bob? His born-again music was pretty fucking dreary, but this? I just cannot wrap my mind around it. And no, i don’t think I’ll be buying it, either. In every sense of that phrase. And yeah, it’s great and all that he’s going to donate the proceeds to feeding the hungry, but really and come on, is this going to sell more than 100 copies? Dude, just break out the checkbook. Sign over the royalties to, I don’t know, Mr. Tambourine Man or something that might bring in enough to buy a 100 pound sack of rice.

Project Runway: Season 6, Episode 1

Designers? Introduce yourselves. Hi. I’m Ra’Mon and I went to med school and majored in Neurosurgery, so the first person who makes the “fashion ain’t brain surgery joke?” dies. Thankew. I’m Logan, and I’m from Seattle. I’m able to rebuild engines and I’m a strong pattern maker and the prettiest one in the room, boy or girl. I’m Jonny, and I have the requisite ugly tats. I’ve tried out before and I finally figured out why I didn’t get on Season 3 or 4. I was a CRYSTAL METH ADDICT! I figured out I’d have to quit that shit if I wanted to be a

fashion designer.

Girl designers, you got anything to beat that? Gordana is from some former Soviet Satellite or another and may have been part of the women’s wrestling team, judging by those shoulders. Malvin has bad hair, and enough androgyny to be included in the women’s group, although s/he’s bunking with the boys. Carol Hannah says she does wood nymphs go to cocktail party dresses and she used to sell for Gordana. Qristyl says her work is plus sexy, not plus sized. Sherin means sweet in Farsi.

Nicolas says that his friends call him the Feather Prince, and not because of his blondish Daniel Franco hair, but because he designs with chiffon, feathers, unicorn farts and fairy dust. Mitchell makes no impression whatsoever. Epperson has a set of magnificent dreads, and children as old as his fellow contestants. Christopher is self-taught and from Minnesota. Ari Fish makes transformative clothing. Which is not to say her works transform the viewer or wearer, but that you can wear it to dinner, and then take it off and use it as a tent in the park where you sleep because you are homeless. Althea is another blonde, Irina isn’t and Louise is channeling Louise Brooks to the best of her ability.

Champagne on the Roof

Althea lets us know that she did her time in the Alexander McQueen/Vivienne Westwood slave galleys. Christopher says that he always told himself that someday he’s be amazing, and that today is that day.

Tim hauls the kids off to the Disney Theater to see the red carpet where the Daytime Emmys will happen. This is to get them to think about red carpets and red carpet looks, and how many red carpets there are, with how many different audiences, but in the shallow gene pool that is Hollywood, any red carpet appearance can make or break a designer. Off they go to their new work room at the Fashion Institute of Design and Marketing, where they have 30 minutes to sketch, and 30 minutes and $200 to spend at Mood (LA). They’ll get till midnight and all the next day to create the look. The winner gets immunity. All good so far.

Christopher sketches anime style. That’s uh, interesting. Ari doesn’t sketch at all, she does a headstand against the wall. That’s uh, guaranteed to get you air time. When she stands up, she says that she will make a “bulbous tessellation” that catches the light. Is it just me, or does the word “bulbous” not sound like a good idea?

At Mood, Qristyl buys a pair of scissors and cuts her own fabric because time is of the essence and Mood only has one cutter. Wait, are they at the Jo-Ann’s down the street? Sherin is going to make something totally rare and totally new: Old Hollywood Glamor. Ra’mon is crying in the confessional and I don’t know why. Over in the work room, Jonny drapes, then changes, then drapes, then changes his design several times. Then he decides he’s overwhelmed and goes off to take a nap or something. The something is have a crying breakdown. He didn’t know it would be like this. Tim comes in and lets him cry and then gives him a little pep talk. You can do it. Hugs. Jonny goes back to the workroom and says he’s done bein’ the fool. That remains to be seen.

Work Day

Malvin is doing something with – burlap? Ari says she creates her own texture, she doesn’t buy it. Jonny says that he’s feeling better now, thank you. Christopher reveals that he’s another self-taught designer, and that he has no idea what smocking is or a godet. Tim comes around and says that whatever Christopher is making it looks funky and young and punk and if it’s styled wrong on the runway, it’ll look like a cruise line cocktail waitress.

Ari is making a hooded geodesic dress. Tim says it might look like a hooded diaper. Ari says it won’t.  Mitchell is creating a very heavy Victorian feel with tons of hand smocking out of an ombre sheer. Qristyl is piling color on ruffles on bustles on other colors. She asks Tim if it’s too dramatic. The length of the pause before he formulates a response is, that’s for sure. Qristyl understands that if Tim doesn’t answer fast, then the answer is not good news.

The models have been randomly preselected for the designers, who have been working off the models’ spec sheet. The real models come in for their fittings. Ruh-roh. Mitchell’s girl has lied, lied, lied and she is about six inches bigger than her card says. He has to start all over, and child, he does not have any fabric left except some sheer, nude-color lining materials. He is fucked in the ear with no oil, and that is a fact. We get a brief glimpse of something voluminous and burgundy on a back table. It is Epperson’s gown.

Runway Morning

Ari thought she’d have to fight for her point of view. It turns out nobody cares enough about it to challenge her. She is wearing a loud print…well that doesn’t do it justice… a cacophonous print that is a hoodie and a onsie combined. The length appears to be variable, as we see it now ending at her knees, and later, bunched up into diapers. It is beyond gawdawful.

Mitchell is still bitching about his model lying about her size. The accessory wall is from Macy’s. Meh. Still, better than Blow Fly and the smug, naked skank. Ari does her model’s hair and it is as awful as you would anticipate. Mitchell sews something onto his model. You can see through it, but she is technically covered from ankle to nape. It’s an x-rated burqa.

Judging

Our first runway, and our first guest judge is Lindsey Lohan, who comes up to Heidi’s Teutonic armpit and who is introduced as being a designer in her own right. She is wearing leggings. One suspects they are from her designer line of leggings. I can’t believe I just had to type those words together like they made sense. Designer. Leggings.

Althea leads off with Old Hollywood Glamor. Gordana sends out something bright aqua with an interesting bodice of folds, like origami. Malvin’s burlap is meh. Mitchell’s dress is there. The only thing he could salvage from his original was the high, tight, smocked neck. Louise Brooks has done something in two-tone, but it’s grey and greyer and the contrast isn’t very strong.

Christopher’s little dress has soft beige ruffles below, and a bodice and asymmetrical overskirt of bunched black/gun metal grey. He has accessorized it perfectly and it looks nothing like a cocktail waitress. Ra’Mon. Shiren has done something short and sweet with a sort of bustle. It is black. Epperson sends out a beautiful gown in burgundy with a metric ton of volume and maybe an organza shawl or portrait color. It waltzes by fast. Irina has made an ivory dress with a lace bodice and plunging back. It is effortless and Old Hollywood Glamor. Ari’s geodesic hoodie is shown with hot pants. The less said, the better.

Jonny has done something with a red false front/sack dress shape and a plunging back and black beading and I don’t know what all. Carol Hannah’s dress is bronzy-ochre and has heavy quilted boning to shape the bodice. Qristyl’s dress still looks like a multi colored ruffle threw up on a purple dress. Logan has done something stark, clean, with sharp lines and it needs pressing. It may or may not be evocative of Old Hollywood Glamor. Nick.

Epperson, Shirin, Irina, Logan, Qristyl, Ra’Mon, Mitchell and Christopher have the highest and lowest scores. They stay on the runway. The judges start with Qristyl. Which red carpet? The Emmys. Who would wear it? Miley Cyrus or YOU!, Lilo. (In yer fuckin’ dreams, thinks Lilo). The seams are pulling and the back, which is the focal point (believe it or not with the ruffle that ate Kansas City cascading down the front) isn’t going to be seen. Lindsey says that.

I have to digress here. I wasn’t expecting much from Miss Lohan. I loved her as a child, and have followed her tabloid travails and wish so much better for her. But her own fashion sense and the whole leggings thing led me to believe that she wouldn’t have much to offer as a guest judge. I admit this: I was wrong. She was concise and coherent and while maybe not blindingly insightful, pretty much spot on with her assessment of the clothes. Oh, Linds, go to FIT and quit acting. Get a life and a real job and leave this one behind you.

Christopher says that his dress is for the VMA red carpet and it is both hard and soft. While he didn’t love the color, Michael Kors did love the cute/edgy combination. NinaGarcia calls it dark romantic.

Ra’Mon’s is a safe Oscar dress. Lindsey likes the back. Ari is asked which red carpet she designed for and she says, and I quote:”The 2080 VMAs and then later that night, she’ll go pick up her Nobel Peace Prize.” Michael Kors calls it a disco soccer ball. Lindsey says (see? listen to this) “You can like it all you want, but someone else has to love it more and want to wear it.” True that.

Jonny says he’s designed a dress for a 20-something starlet obsessed with the 1920s. Uh-huh. Kors says if it was black and lacking all the whicketywhack that it would be an interesting silhouette. NinaGarcia calls it seductive, wonderful and easy. I say it looks like you could smuggle a miniature pony in there, but then, I’m not a guest judge.

Mitchell has made a Grammy dress. Kors says that he likes where he was trying to go, but let’s be real. It is completely sheer and completely unwearable, except by the fireplace with a snifter of brandy.

Lilo says that Ra’Mon’s dress was the closest to an actual red carpet design. But safe. Jonny’s dress had a cool shape. Heidi says that she’d wear Christopher’s design. She calls it elegant, sharp and with a bit. Qristyl has her taste level questioned. Ari… Is she serious or not? Is she hosing us with that shit, says Michael Kors, or are we just not smart enough to get it. Heidi says it’s like talking to someone from another world, and Lilo snickers into her hand. Mitchell screwed up by believing his model’s card. So.

Jonny did a good job and gets to stay. Christopher wins the challenge and immunity. Ra’Mon is in. Qristyl is in. Ari, we didn’t know what was going on and we don’t think you did, either. It’s one thing to aim outside the box, and another to miss completely.

Mitchell, you should know all models lie. There are no excuses. Your dress was unwearable, but at least you aren’t insane like Ari over there, so you can stay.

And we are done with episode one. Whew.

PR All Stars

We open on the same old same old: Jeffrey, the Pin-Headed Shmoo, who allows as how even though he won his season of Project Runway, he’s only remembered as being the guy who made someone’s mother cry. Awww, Jeffy, that’s not true. We all remember you as an insufferable asshole with some ugly ass neck tats, and an enabling mother and girlfriend (who is the mother of your son, and whom you dumped as soon as humanly possible after winning.) He shows us his new girlfriend (skanky Patti Smith wannabe) and his new band and his same old ugly neck tats.

Daniel V comes next and says he was the first runner up. He also says that when he got to the room and saw Jeffrey, the Pin-Headed Shmoo standing there he had mixed emotions, because he liked him…as a designer.

Korto! shows off her line of very cool purses and talks about her jewelry line. (Miz Shoes is wearing one of Korto’s necklaces to show support, and her own exquisite taste level.)

Uli reminds us that she was the quiet one who used loud prints. She’s still in Miami, doing small boutiques and private commissions. Chris March finished fourth in his season. He’s still doing costume design. He did Beyonce’s tour costumes, got to cast her body and also did some work for Prince.

Mychael Knight is looking urbane and good in the P Diddy mold. Jeffrey, the Pin-Headed Shmoo says that when he saw Mychael’s collection he didn’t think it was worthy of being in the finals. Thank you. We’ll file that with all your other profundities, asshat.

Sweet Pea tells us that she’s the nice girl who makes pretty dresses. And then

Santino blows in and tells the know universe that he was the Break Out star of Season Two, that he lost but you wouldn’t know it from his current fame, fortune and world tours. Not a day goes by that people don’t stop him on the street to laud his genius (or spit in his face, thinks Miz Shoes). He sums himself up thusly: “Project Runway didn’t make me, I made Project Runway.” Then he orders Mychael to go make him a drink.

And we’re off to the roof for champers with Heidi and Tim. Heidi is enormously pregnant during the filming of this, so she’s drinking apple juice or something, and makes a point of telling the viewers that. Daniel V is sweet and cozies up to Korto to ooh and ahh over her jewelry. Jeffrey, the Pin-Headed Shmoo claims that he was everyone’s friend until he won, and then nobody would talk to him. I think your timeline might be a little flawed there, sport. Everyone hated you from day one. And then you won and dumped your long-suffering girlfriend. Asshat.

The All Star Challenge is to create a mini collection of three looks in a week. The designers need to show who they are today, how they’ve grown since their season. Winner takes all: the prize is the same as the regular show $100,000.

Day Two

We open on Satanino sleeping in his stank clothes. Chris is in his bathrobe, as ever. Sweet. I love Chris.

Next, they are off to their new workspace, at Cult Studio. Uli wants to live there. The accessory wall is no longer sponsored by Blow Fly and the naked bitch; we have come up in the world to a HALSTON accessory wall.

Of the three looks, one must be for the red carpet. They have a $1,200 budget. Chris is sleeping (and snoring) sitting at his drafting table. Uli asks if anyone else is making all dresses. Off to Mood, where they will have 45 minutes to grab fabric and cut. Jeffrey, the Pin-Headed Shmoo and Satanino try to bolt off early. Tim calls them back. Uli is grabbing up solids. Tim is perplexed and chagrined.

With five minutes left, Pea and Uli have a mix up at the cutting table. They’ve picked up the same colors and leathers. They each see the other as their biggest threat, because their aesthetics are so similar. I guess. What ever.

In the work room, we are “treated” to a five-minute montage of Santino’s greatest hits. He mocks/mimics Tim Gunn. He is loud and rude to all the other designers. He’s insulting and insufferable, and full of himself for no reason. Korto! says that he’s just a fool. She can’t call him childish, because her child is better behaved. Snort. Daniel blandly points out that Santino can be distracting. Santino confessionalizes that he is faster, smarter, bigger and funnier than anyone else in the room. We are subjected to more Tim Gunn impressions and abusing the other designers. OK. Are his fifteen minutes up yet?

No, they are not. Santino is designing leggings in stretch latex? silvery something. Daniel V calls it and Santino vulgar, and there is no arguing that point. Daniel V says that the biggest competition in the room comes from Uli, Jeffrey, the Pin-Headed Shmoo and Korto! Santino says that Pea’s work looks like a home-ec project.

Tim Gunn comes in to remind the group to make a red carpet dress, then hauls them out to the break room to watch some TV. It’s Nicole Kidman! She’s going to wear the red carpet dress to a premier of her new movie “Nine”. Well, that’s a prize worth fighting for. Bitch is an excellent clothes hanger, and I say that with all sincerity and respect. Daniel V and Chris are both flabbergasted.

Tim does his walkabout and starts with Uli, who is doing something with a beige fabric and complicated construction. Tim is disappointed that it’s beige. Korto! is doing something fall/outerwear. Tim doesn’t say it’s good, which to Korto! means she has to work harder. Santino has a rat’s nest of fabric on the table. Santino proclaims that his taste level is the highest in the room. If by that he means that he’s higher on drugs or self-satisfaction and delusional egotism, then yes, he has a point. Sweet Pea is working on a gown of pastel lime green and pale blue and it looks a little matronly and home-sewn to Tim. To us in the Casita des Zapatos, it looks a little like Kate Greenaway. Tim tells her to lose the bottom ruffle.

Next we see Chris, working with grey oversize plaid. He’s doing something with an enormous portrait collar/capelet. He calls Mr. Gunn “Timmy”. Daniel V doesn’t do “gowns” and he’s got something going on with white side panels. Tim is “surprised”. Jeffrey the Pin-Headed Shmoo is doing something with a lizard-like sequin or mylar. Mychael cannot explain his color story to Tim because it was random and he just grabbed anything. I’m thinking that pressure is not Mychael’s friend. Tim is not pleased and tells Mychael to “make it work”, but you can tell that Tim’s heart isn’t in it.

Model Casting

Chris falls asleep at the casting table. Do we think he has narcolepsy? Just like the fabric and leather, Pea and Uli fight over the models.

Santino breaks the serger (needed for sewing knits). Jeffrey the Pin-Headed Shmoo offers to lend Santino a pair of tweezers to pull out the broken needle, and Santino replies with his usual level of class and taste by asking if Jeffrey the Pin-Headed Shmoo uses the tweezers for his dick.

Now I would have paid good money to see these two assholes face off in a cage death match, or, more likely, a good bitch-slap fight, but Jeffrey the Pin-Headed Shmoo is a coward and a bully, so he takes the passive-aggressive way out, and just shuts up. He later reveals to have not only a pair of tweezers, but several packages of needles for the serger tucked away in his supply box. Santino wastes the entire night because he broke the serger and insulted his only means of fixing it. Not quite the drama we’d hoped for, but satisfying none-the-less.

Next Morning

The models come for their fittings, except for Uli’s who just doesn’t show. She’s left to fit her dress on herself and Chris says she should just model her own work because she’s pretty enough to do so. Pea’s models are late, too. Uli’s back up models are not showing up either. Uli is screwed. Then Tim comes in and tells everyone that they are going to go to the Meatpacking District (which is Very Hot now) and have a magnificent dinner at STK. The designers don’t want to go. They want to stay and work. They all bitch and complain. Jeffrey the Pin-Headed Shmoo says that when he wins again, he can have as many fancy dinners in the Meatpacking District with Nicole Kidman as he likes.

They have dinner, alone in the restaurant. Tim comes in and tells them that there are two more surprises: the first is that they get an extra day to work because the other surprise is that they have to make a fourth look: one comprised of materials found right here, right now in the restaurant. You have five minutes to destroy the room. GO! There is ripping, and wrecking, and glass breaking and chandeliers coming down and leatherette being ripped off. It is a horror show. At least 25% of the new look must come from these materials, and the look must work with the other three already in their collections.

One Day to the Show

Daniel V and Jeffrey the Pin-Headed Shmoo are talking about Chris. It seems like he goes to sleep and wakes up with his designs all figured out. (They are jealous, even if they aren’t admitting it.) Santino is working with his stretch sequin crap and Jeffrey the Pin-Headed Shmoo keeps calling it stripper wear. That’s the best you got? Puh-leeze, girl.

Hair and make up consult. Tim comes around to look at their 4th looks and sees that half the designers aren’t even started. He reminds them that there is 100 large on the line. Uli admits she’s a little bit screwed. Jeffrey the Pin-Headed Shmoo assures Tim that he knows in his head what will eventually come together. Sweet Pea has fun materials and they go with her other looks. Korto! is doing something with steel wool pads on the shoulders. Could be cool. Could be a freak show. Daniel V is working with some foam insulation tubes. Tim tells him to carry on. Mychael is making a cute mini dress. Or so he says. Tim tells the designers that they are in the Project Runway Olympics and he has complete trust in them, and they have until midnight and then another two hours in the morning.

Korto! is now doing something with black on black. She’s got these lava beads that she pulled out of a vase at the restaurant, and she’s laying down a bed of glue and applying the beads. The other designers are all giving her the stink eye. Santino has pieces all over every work area and none of the other designers can figure out what he’s doing. Pea points out that he only has one look finished.

Back in the Atlas, Uli asks the other women who they think will win, and of course they each think that they will. Uli says that she’s visualizing herself walking into the bank with the Big Check. In the boys’ room Daniel V is saying that he’s just nervous and can’t even remember what he has left to do. He is humble and gracious. The #3 Surrogate Daughter and I agree that he’s just gotten better looking in the last few years, and that he, unlike say, Jeffrey the Pin-Headed Shmoo and/or Santino is a Real. Class. Act.

Morning of the Show

Mychael is numb. Daniel is exhausted. Pea only has to steam one dress. Chris is taking a nap. Tim comes in, looks, shrugs. With an hour for hair and make up, Daniel is in a state of shock and can’t believe how much detail work he has left to do. Korto! looks for scraps of black leather. Chris wanders in. Korto! wants to win so bad she can taste it. Mychael just wants it over with and to find out if he’s in or out. Daniel says that although he’s trying to keep his game face on, he’s sweating like a pig. Santino is gloating that he’s got five minutes left and it’s all falling into place.

RUNWAY!

Diane Von Furstenburg is the guest judge. Michael Kors is not orange. Oh my god, how I have missed NinaGarcia. And we’re off and running

Santino has silver leggings and a sequined top. Something silver. The restaurant dress is white curtains made into an oversized anorak with black sequin leggings. The top is actually nice. A liquid silver evening dress. Glamorous and boring.

Mychael: a blue dress, a white dress with bits of plastic and lemon yellow green bits (restaurant dress) on a model who can’t walk. Blue and lime green separates. A magenta evening dress with a lime green belt and cut outs at the arm syce.

Uli: a short peach dress with flowers and ruffles, a sculpted peach and greige dress, a satin halter top and pencil skirt. The restaurant piece is a coat? made with an open weave fabric and maybe some fringes woven through it? It’s interesting and textured.

Korto! a magenta sleeveless short dress with pockets, slim trousers with a halter top with beading and interest at the plunging neck line. The restaurant dress is AMAZING!! Black placemats have been sculpted into a fitted bodice, the skirt is layers and levels and there are these beaded areas that are patterns. It has movement and interest and works with her mini-collection flawlessly. The final dress is an oversize print, full skirt, pleated bodice. Also has pockets.

Chris puts out a collection. A real collection of sportswear that looks like it just stepped out of Bryant Park. Oversized jacket/cowl/hood thingy in that black and grey plaid over bright orange leggings. Another hood/legging shape. The restaurant challenge dress is a bodice of black placemats that looks like an oversize bow on a swing skirt made of silver crocodile leatherette. It moves. The evening dress is an over the top couture piece with sticky outy parts, and swoops of fabric and just drop dead.

Daniel V’s collection is sporty. He leads with a sort of bicycle racer top in cobalt and white over a black leather mini bubble skirt. Or it might be mini bloomers. His restaurant dress has those black tubes running vertically along the midriff, looking like a suicide bomber. The next look is in my notes thusly: FAIL. And then there is his red carpet dress. It is the textured black shiny stuff, and white stretchy insets on the sides under the arms, and they’ve gone from straight to swoopy and details with hobnail studs along the seam line. It’s hot, but it’s not red carpet.

Jeffrey the Pin-Headed Shmoo leads off with a vulva-length lizard sequined mini skin-tight tunic, follows with something that has an asymmetrical hem cut up to the cooch, an awful magenta and black fringed something and a jumpsuit that is equally bad.

Pea’s first look is a pretty little dress in butter soft pale shimmery green leather. Next is a diaphanous negligee with fleurchons at the hem and shoulder, the restaurant challenge and her evening gown. Yep. Kate Greenaway come to life. Sweet, but ho-hum.

As we break for the last commercials, we think it will probably be Korto! for which we are chuffed. Could go to Chris. Maybe Uli.

The designers come back. The judges speak: Mychael, you know how to dress women. DVF likes everything but the one-sleeved t-shirt. Uli surprised them with no printed and a more constructed style. Too bad, because the judges think that she lost herself. They WANTED the prints. Jeffrey the Pin-Headed Shmoo’s work was messy and not the Jeffrey they remembered. Maybe they had head injuries, because he was exactly the talentless asshat the viewers remembered. (Laura was right: he couldn’t sew.) Santino’s evening gown is dismissed as looking like the model was searching for a disco swimming pool (Michael Kors, we’ve missed you.) DVF thinks that maybe it was a leetle vulgar.

Santino, Uli, Jeffrey the Pin-Headed Shmoo and Mychael are out. Santino, speaking of himself in the third person, assures us that “Santino Rice is always in”. Miz Shoes would amend that to “Santino Rice is always insufferable.”

This leaves Pea, Korto!, Chris and Daniel V on the runway. The judges start with Chris, and he gets all weepy. You like me! You really like me! Michael Kors lauds Chris’ work as being pure American sportswear. The collection showed a real thread. The restaurant piece fit into the line seamlessly. The red carpet look was a bit tooo dramatic, maybe, says NinaGarcia. DVF calls his work elegant, dramatic, consistent and the best of American Sportswear.

Daniel V showed clarity and confidence. Michael Kors says that he got a clear idea of the woman Daniel was designing for. Korto! gets heaps of deserved praise for her restaurant dress and her use of color and print. Kors loves her asymmetry in her work and that she designs dresses that look good on real women, and that women would want to wear. The two women on the couch in Miz Shoes living room concur.

DVF loves the sweetness of Pea’s line, her only negative is that it looks a little home made. Heidi says she wouldn’t wear it, but that there would be customers for that combination of hard and soft.

Heidi says that Chris surprised everyone: there were no drag queens or carnival floats. NinaGarcia agrees that his work was sophisticated and not overdone. Michael Kors was blown away by the restaurant dress.

Daniel’s first look is criticized because the model wasn’t wearing a bra and she was all floppy. His restaurant dress was said by Mr. Kors to show a “modernist sense of humor” and that the mini-dress was a modern way to look at evening wear. DVF says that “one dress is all it takes to make you famous” and she would know. coughwrapdresscough. The judges think that he grew the most.

Korto!’s work is more polished than what she showed in her season. Heidi calls it wearable. Crafted well, cut well and not mundane. DVF says that the restaurant dress blew everyone away, and that Korto! designs around the real woman’s body.

Sweet Pea has a message, a story to tell that is romantic and sweet. The judges allow as how there is a customer for that look. Michael says that she’s a biker chick who does girly and romantic. (And the problem with that, buddy?)

So. Here it is. Chris: we saw a real evolution and strong point of view. Thanks. You’re out. Pea, your story is clear, romantic, charming and feminine. See ya. Pea says that having DVF love her collection was high accolades.

Daniel, something has changed in you: you have new confidence. Your collection left us wanting more. Korto! we see great talent in you. How far you have come: everything you make is something a woman would want to wear. So of course, you are out, and Daniel is the winner.

Korto rolls her eyes and says, Number Two again. Daniel delivers some gracious speech or another, which, frankly, nobody in Miz Shoes living room hears, because all of us, the RLA included, are jumping up and down and shrieking “KORTO WUZ ROBBED!!!”

And that’s OK, because it means that for the present, I can still afford her work, and she’ll still answer my e-mails. But she was robbed. Sweetiedarling, in the fans’ eyes, you’ll always be the number one PR All Star. Not as good as the big check, I know., but that and $150 bucks to buy another necklace is all I got.